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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he cheating or am I REALLY paranoid? (Long, sorry)

82 replies

WorriedMummy73 · 04/01/2013 13:17

I've been with DP for almost 20 years and we have 3 dc. He works all over the country and is often away Mon-Fri. There have been several incidents involving his phone and dubious messages from people. As an example, he came home drunk one night and his private messaging kept beeping. He was more or less unconscious and I checked the messaging (wrong, I know) - there was a conversation there between him and someone (with a male name) where the other person stated that they 'were really excited because they were getting to see him tonight' and other stuff along those lines, with lots of kisses, etc. I replied to this person (pretending to be DP) asking 'are you still up, did you have a good time tonight, etc'. They replied and then asked why I wasn't putting any kisses, then said 'is this really you'? I said 'who else would it be?'. They said 'her' (meaning me, I assume). DP woke up looking for his phone and lost his temper - I explained what I had seen and he said the messages weren't meant for him but were 'crossed-messages' between his mate and some girl. There was a similar incident a few months before that (again, he put it down to his friend using his phone to text a girl he was seeing on the side).

Since then, he has passworded his phone (Blackberry) and is constantly on it, texting (sitting right next to me when he's home) but holding it an angle so I can't see the screen. He swears he would never cheat on me, but the whole phone thing is driving me insane. I've told him how I feel, how the previous incidents make me feel, how he spends more time texting his 'friends' than he does talking to me, but he doesn't seem interested. We'll agree to watch a film together when the kids go to bed but he'll be on his phone the whole way through.

I feel that the password indicates he has something to hide - my phone isn't passworded and he knows that. If I ever ask to use his phone (if mine isn't working) he hovers around me the whole time I'm using it.

Would it be unreasonable of me to ask him to show me his messages or am I being over the top?

OP posts:

badinage · 04/01/2013 14:04

Book a solicitor's appt. You're not married and so you're not very well protected.

I hope you're not going to say that you're a SAHM who gave up her career and financial independence.......

Original poster

WorriedMummy73 · 04/01/2013 14:07

Of course I'm worried about challenging him! This is 20 of years of my life we're talking about, not to mention the kids. It could all change in a heartbeat cos if it turns out to be true we're done, end of. I'd never trust him again. It just all seems overwhelming at the moment. Like I said, I wasn't expecting the responses I've got on here because when I've pulled him in the past he's told me (and made me believe) that I was being paranoid. Hence me asking. I've never spoken to anyone about it before as I have no close enough friends to talk to. And he's accused me of cheating on many occasions! Wow...

OP posts:

badinage · 04/01/2013 14:10

But it's already changed - your life, that is.

The only thing that would change is you not putting up with it any longer. Claiming not to know about it doesn't change the fact he's cheating on you.

Do you want to turn a blind eye to this then?

Original poster

WorriedMummy73 · 04/01/2013 14:15

I definitely want this sorted. My biggest worry now is that he'll either refuse to show me his phone (although that must mean guilty as charged) of that there will be nothing incriminating there, in which case I'll feel like the world's biggest idiot.

Also, don't know if this links in and maybe tmi but my last smear test came back as abnormal and I've now had two internal camera exams which have shown a 'patch of abnormal cells' and it's linked to the HPV virus, which I read was sexually transmitted. DP also has warts (tmi, I know, I'm sorry) on the area above his genitals but said the GP said they're not STD related and gave him cream. That was a year ago, the warts are still there. Fuck me, how blind am I? Someone punch me, please!

OP posts:

LoopsInHoops · 04/01/2013 14:16

"the GP said they're not STD related"

Bullshit.

LoopsInHoops · 04/01/2013 14:16

Oh, and google link between HPV and warts.

badinage · 04/01/2013 14:20

Oh no.....what a bastard.

Why would you feel like an idiot if there's nothing on his phone?

It would just mean he's deleted the evidence, like that other poster who's still hiding her phone from her husband has said.....

The only idiotic thing would be for a partner to put up with that.

Apocalypto · 04/01/2013 14:22

The other possibility is that these text messages he doesn't want you to see are between him and mates, and are either about you, or are about something else he doesn't want you to know about.

For example, he may have a mate who has sex with prostitutes, and reports back hilariously to the lads. Or they may be off-colour jokes you wouldn't find funny.

Any of these would be things he might well want to conceal from you; none prove him to be having an affair.

It may be that you have, at some time, expressed the view that you feel entitled to police, or at least be privy to, his conversations with his mates. Perhaps even to censor or veto his discussion of certain subjects, or the expression of certain views. If this is so, and if he disagrees with you about your right to do so, then the obvious course from his POV is simply to conceal the conversations from you. As he sees it, they are none of your business anyway, and this neatly saves him the headache of deleting individual messages. You want to read his texts, so rather than him having the hassle of deleting them, you have the hassle of trying to get past the password protection to read them.

Let's flip the situation, and suppose FTSOA that you swap texts with your best mate about sexual problems, techniques, toys, whatever, and these texts include complaints about how one or other of you isn't getting enough.

Would you agree he's entitled to read those texts? Does his right to read those texts (because he's your partner) outweigh your mate's entitlement to private communication with you?

Could that be what's going on?

I admire the moral courage of those above who've suggested you leave a partner you aren't married to based on the presumed context of texts you've not read.

Apocalypto · 04/01/2013 14:24

Oops, crossposted.

The HPV thing is not good.

When was the previous test done? These things can be dormant for years and not break out, IIRC, but are more likely to do so as you get older (again, IIRC).

BluelightsAndSirens · 04/01/2013 14:26

Oh no. Warts on the genitals are genital warts and they are an std

Original poster

WorriedMummy73 · 04/01/2013 14:26

I wish they were those kind of texts but he tells me things about his mates (one or two of them do use prostitutes - he shares this stuff with me!) and he also tells me off colour jokes from time to time, so I know that's not what it is.

He has full access to my phone and my email/Facebook accounts are open for him to see on the laptop any time he likes. I don't have those kinds of conversation by text and I would be honest enough to say to him 'so and so is having problems, it's private' etc. He doesn't do that, he just has long text conversations. And his mates aren't verbally intelligent people - they're generally idiots, men's men, who don't share problems and issues.

But thanks for giving the other side.

OP posts:

Original poster

WorriedMummy73 · 04/01/2013 14:29

Most recent test was just before Christmas - smear was taken, waiting on results. have just looked up HPV and read that it's passed on sexually, even though it can lie dormant for years. As he's the only person I've ever had sex with I can only assume I got it from him, although it could have come from a previous partner I suppose. If he DID give it to me then I'm glad he has warts!

OP posts:

Apocalypto · 04/01/2013 14:34

Well it sounds like you can eliminate that possibility, in which case the remaining possibility is not great; sorry.

On a slightly positive note, there are strains of HPV that are permanently fixable. The virus lies around dormant for years then pops up in the form of an outbreak of abnormal cells. If these are zapped off right away, then most / all of the viral load goes away with them, and you are then pretty much clear. The problem with being female is that the outbreaks are inconspicuous, and smears can miss them, but in your case it seems this is well under control.

Were you there when the GP said his warts weren't STD related, or is that what he says the GP said? Given the propensity of HPV to lie dormant (and IIRC there's no test for it in men), it may be possible that one or other of you has had it the whole time, making it hard to say who gave it to whom. But these are questions for your GP, especially when we're talking 20 years.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 14:35

"I admire the moral courage of those above who've suggested you leave a partner you aren't married to based on the presumed context of texts you've not read. "

The texts have been read. the other person stated that they 'were really excited because they were getting to see him tonight' and other stuff along those lines, with lots of kisses, etc. I replied to this person (pretending to be DP) asking 'are you still up, did you have a good time tonight, etc'. They replied and then asked why I wasn't putting any kisses, then said 'is this really you'? I said 'who else would it be?'. They said 'her' (meaning me, I assume).

garlicbaubles · 04/01/2013 14:35

Let me ask you this, WM. Thinking about your idea of a sound marriage, does it include one partner sitting on the sofa with his wife while engrossed in a secretive conversation with someone else?

If the other person - presumably a woman, going by the kisses - were there in person, she'd be sitting on the sofa with you. His back would be turned towards you and they'd be huddled; indeed, getting angry if you overheard anything.

If you spoke to her - on your sofa, entwined with your husband - she'd refer contemptuously to you as "her" and your husband would snarl at you for acknowledging her existence!

How does it feel?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 14:37

" Like I said, I wasn't expecting the responses I've got on here because when I've pulled him in the past he's told me (and made me believe) that I was being paranoid. "

This will be the reaction you get this time as well. The only element you can change is your response. His will presumably go down the same well-worn tram-lines.

worldgonecrazy · 04/01/2013 14:38

Glad you're getting proper medical help for the HPV. Sorry to say to add to your troubles, you're also at higher risk of cervical cancer thanks to his genital warts.

The situation you have described does not sound good. He definitely sounds like he is playing away, maybe even with more than one woman if his mates are anything to judge by. You really need to get serious legal advice before you show your hand. If you are unmarried you are in an extremely vulnerable position.

Apocalypto · 04/01/2013 14:38

She's not married, is she?

Original poster

WorriedMummy73 · 04/01/2013 14:39

Well, I have to go and collect the kids now. He's texted to say he's on the train so he'll be home around 5ish. He's out later, so when do I confront him - before he goes or when he gets back? He'll be drinking so probably before is best. Wish me luck.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 14:40

Before he goes out drinking. Good luck

garlicbaubles · 04/01/2013 14:41

Good luck.

garlicbaubles · 04/01/2013 14:43

He definitely sounds like he is playing away, maybe even with more than one woman if his mates are anything to judge by.

I agree, I'm afraid :(

The chances of picking up an STD from a long-term, exclusive affair are fairly slim compared to those associated with multiple exploits, as well.

lisac99 · 04/01/2013 14:44

Before you confront him I suggest you having it clear in your head.

What do you want the outcome to be?
If he admits it, what will you do?
If he denies it, what will you do?

If you DON'T get the 'proof' you're looking for (e.g. he doesn't hand over his phone and lets you look at the messages or keeps telling you you're crazy and paranoid) what are you going to do then?

I really think that before you confront him, you need to be mentally prepared to end your relationship - if you DO find any proof and then end up begging and crying him to stay, what message would that send to him? I suggest you think about these things and perhaps have a friend come over afterwards or on the phone for support.

They say the person who cares the least in a relationship is the person who has the most 'power', please don't allow him to threaten / berate or try and suggest you're crazy. Stick to your guns and get the resolution you want.

Best of luck.

stookiesackhouse · 04/01/2013 14:51

Op, my ex matched this behaviour with his phone exactly - the deflected angle, constant use, password protection etc. One day, completely out of the blue I said pass your phone now, I want a look through because I believe you are seeing someone else. I said you are welcome to do the same because I have nothing to hide!

Unsurprisingly he went into major panic and point blank refused. I tried to grab it, and we had major tussle, he was shaking! And went to the bathroom, locked himself in and wiped the lot. Then spouted some crap about there being confidential work stuff on his phone.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, turns out he had another girlfriend and had done for two years.

I would never put up with phone crap again - it's a major sign he is up to no good. I would bet money on it. Sorry :-(

stookiesackhouse · 04/01/2013 14:51

Slight overuse of the word major there

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