I think I want to want to leave my DH?

[irresponsible2013]

Have name-changed for this.

Before we met, I was in polyamourous relationships. My previous partner had conviced me to do monogamy, which didn?t go well, so we went back to an open relationship when we should have just split up. About a month after finally splitting, I met DH, had the poly vs monogamous chat, and decided to give monogamy a try because ?he didn?t think he could handle polyamoury? and I was still on the rebound from the ex. (dumb, I know!)

We?ve been together for 10 years, married for 7, and have a child who is almost 4.

Periodically, we revisit the open relationship idea, generally when I get a crush on someone. This typically ends with a chat and a ?no way? from him, though this summer it ended with the question ?what do you hope to get out of it??

Basically, I just want to be single and independent and unencumbered by responsibilities (he would be resident parent, and I?d have our child for a day at weekends, and look after the child the 2-3 evenings a week that he is out doing his hobbies.). I don?t want to be a Mother anymore, it?s hard work and I?m sick of it and sick of being the main parent. He can manage when he has to, but doesn?t often manage to take our active child out of the flat when I?m away for a day or weekend... DD always comes to me, ?mama? is her code for ?I want comfort and/or food? as she knows that I am the responsive parent. We spent a few days with friends over Christmas/New Years, and they commented that when I?m not around, DD wilts a bit and just sits and watches TV or plays on her own; DH does not play with her (he does sometimes at home, but not nearly as much as I do, apparently)

I don?t want to have a DH who wants me to kiss only him (perfectly reasonable and normal for a relationship, but I don?t want that anymore. I don?t want to accept it anymore out of love for him anymore, it?s not enough). I keep getting crushes on people (have had a crush on someone other than DH more often than not over the last 6 months or so.) This happened with the ex, too (it was a distance thing and a few weeks before I was due to see him, I?d start a new fling.) but this time around, I think it might be a sign that things are over?

We did have a talk about me leaving this past summer (which is where the ?what would you get out of an open relationship? Q came from), and the idea of DD staying with him was discussed. I know that I don?t have time for a ?proper? new relationship- but I don?t really want that, I want to have fun. Probably just fooling around, rather than actual sex. I know I prob sound like the ?twattish ex? to a lot of MNers... dunno, maybe I am being one

How do I do this? How do I leave him, when do I...?

Complicating matters is that I am on consultation for redundancy at work, so CAN?T afford to rent a room somewhere until I have permenant employment (in my mind, I'd leave him with the flat and DD). We have a mortguage. A child. Our lives are basically entangled, and I want to loose it for... fun? The ability to be irresponsible? The attempt to seek happiness? Am I being stupid, or just realising that what I've got isn't working for me?

I feel like I?m in a situation where I basically hurt him by going, or hurt him by staying and cheating And I don?t want to hurt him at all! Any advice?

one thing is your relationship to men and it seems your relationship to this man is not going to work. Another thing is your relationship to your dc for whom you have ongoing responsibility. If your dd is more focussed on you than on her father and as you say wilts when you are not there, I have some problems with your decision to leave her with her father.

Think very carefully before you take steps which are irreversible here.

I think you are being completely unrealistic about dh becoming her main caregiver.

You can opt out of your marriage but you should never opt out of being a parent.

Have you thought about how this will affect your dd long term?

Monogamy vs polyamory is not the issue here.

"I don?t want to be a Mother anymore, it?s hard work and I?m sick of it and sick of being the main parent."

^This^ is your problem.

Your DD needs you. You need to think about her and the effects your actions would have on her.

I don't know, maybe your dd will be better off spending more time with someone who doesn't resent her. Perhaps your DH will rise to the challenge. Be careful though. Once she realises why you've chosen to back away from her your relationship may never be quite the same.

How about you address some of the issues? Get more child care? Share it more. Unfortunately unless your a total arse you can't opt out of being a mother.

Get some hobbies, get more time to do fun stuff - all before you start flirting with someone else.

In short, fucking someone else is not the answer - its just a convenient, immature escape route from responsibility. One commonly chosen by people who are unable to grow up.

Whether you end up leaving your partner and having polyamorous relationships is not the problem, your relationship with your partner may not be the problem either.

It's your inability to have a fulfilling life that is the problem - one in which you have satisfying relationships, satisfying work and good hobbies.

It sounds like you constantly want the thrill of a new crush/relationship rather than what you've got. You have to accept that once you have children your days of being carefree & single are over, you can't just stop being a parent because you don't like it any more. How old are you?

You can walk away from your DH but not your DD & it sounds like you want to walk away from both.

I feel very sorry for your DD. You say that her dad doesn't want to pay attention to her and that you don't want to be a full time parent anymore. That's just so heartbreaking for her.

I think its completely uderstandable to have a change of heart about a relationship, but I'll never be able to make comforting noises to you about a decision to no longer want to parent your daughter. I'm assuming that you played a part in the decision to bring her into this world? Therefore, you should continue to play an equal part in loving and looking after her. Especially if you don't think your husband is up to the job.

I know several women whose mothers left them when they were young and they've grown up with lots and lots of difficult 'issues' and carried feelings of long-term hurt and abandonment into adulthood. By all means, leave your marriage if its not working for you, but think carefully before you leave your DD.

If your daughter 'wilts' when you aren't around, maybe you should prioritise addressing this, instead off backing off from her.

My mother thought she was too cool for motherhood and the result is her resentment and pursuit of her own happiness has left her a very lonely woman

I did have a satisfying carreer, mostly satisfying relationship, and hobbies that I enjoy- then we went and had a child, and I ran out of time/energy to do my hobbies (esp the ones that involve leaving the flat when DH also wants to go out).

I've also worked out that compleatly runnning away would hurt DD very much, but why can't I be the non-resident parent? Would fathers who just want to visit and not be the daily parent be called "an arse" for chosing that, I wonder...?

zzenagain, could you please talk more about "Another thing is your relationship to your dc for whom you have ongoing responsibility. If your dd is more focussed on you than on her father and as you say wilts when you are not there, I have some problems with your decision to leave her with her father."?

Several of you are implying or outright saying "grow the fuck up"- any advice on how to do that?

I think you honestly need to answer the question your DH asked you - what DO you hope to get out of this? Whilst the grass may seen greener on the other side, it rarely is. You also need to look at the bigger picture. How do you think your DD will view you in 10 years time when you perhaps have a change of mind and want to be her parent again. You said she comes to you for comfort and you want to walk away from her. If you are finding being a parent difficult, ask for support & help. Being a parent isn't easy & we all struggle at times. You are putting your own selfish needs above those of your DD.

xp with 2cats2many (and a couple others)- you're right, it's shit for DD

No idea how to make it right for her, though.

Fgs get your contraceptives absolutely watertight so you don't have any more children. I hope your dh finds someone else who will be a loving and present step-mother to your dd.

I think she will be very sad if she is more dependent on you and you are not there. I realise you would be seeing her I think you said 3 nights a week and one day at the weekend but she might struggle to adjust to not having you around on a daily basis. She will be starting school soon which is stressful for her and a big change, the break-up of the family home is a big change, her main carer if you like being absent is a fundamental change - and I am a bit worried about how the whole thing would affect her.

Thanks, ZenAgain. You are probably right that this is too many changes in too short a time period- she DID start to be way more clingy to me after she started nursery a few months back; this has started to calm down and she is now also saying "I want mama AND pappa", rather than a constant "I want mamma". I think it helps that DH has finally figured out that "I want mama" means more than just "I don't want you".

Anyone got any advice on how to get DH to be a better father/husband? There are times when I DON'T think about greener pastures, so I suspect it's not just a case of me being immature...

Fuck-off AfterEightMintyy, this isn't AIBU!

Yes, wanting to be a non resident parent who just visits makes you an arse. Anything less than wanting shared care does.

It's not because you are a woman, it's because you are a parent.

How to grow up? You need to find a way to satisfy yourself, have hobbies, a good job. One of the indicators of having an immature part of self is blaming someone else for how you feel - it is not your daughters or partners fault you feel like this.

You are getting a lot of good advice. Return to work, spend less time with your child and make sure she has good care and worthwhile activities, get some good hobbies - get a babysitter so you can do them - don't let your partner be the excuse for you not doing them.

If your dh is a crap father and husband of course you should leave! But if you're the main carer then dd needs to go with you - you can't make him do shared care - is he really that much if an arse that he won't pull his weight???

I don't know why people who feel like you get married and have children. You describe things as if you had little responsibility in making them happen - your having a child, your redundancy, your lack of financial independence. Obviously the "solution" is for you to take steps to make yourself independent, instead of relying unfairly on other people to put themselves out to provide you with the lifestyle you would like. But I don't think you really want to be independent...you want your cake and to eat it too, by having a husband and family hovering in the background, there to provide you with security should things go pear-shaped.

I'd admire you if you had the courage to make your own life, and be a responsible parent and act as kindly and as considerately as possible in realtion to your DH and daughter. Instead your post is all me, me, me. You can get away with this attitude when unattached, but you would hope that by the time you're old enough to have had a child, you would have developed more of a sense of responsibility.

OTOH I'd also admire you if you had had the courage in the past to say "OK, marriage and kids is not for me, I'm going to live the life I enjoy, be single, but have lots of casual boyfriends".

But this halfway house you've managed to achieve is nothing to admire.

Can you talk to your dh about it? Tell him that the reason you are thinking if leaving is because you feel trapped, you are doing the majority of the child care and uou aren't given time for any hobbies or time to yourself.
I think the polygamy thing is a red herring. If you we're happier at home with your life I think having crushes on other men would be less of an issue...

in summer when you discussed breaking up and leaving dd with him, how did he react?

Have you considered counselling, some kind of family counselling to address issues such as time spent looking after dd, him being more involved, you having time for hobbies and interests outsidethe home? Even if the aim is to leave, perhaps this might be a way of preparing the ground in terms of getting him more involved in the parenting. I don't really have any good advice on how to best go about this, have no experience of it but I would say, perhaps it would be wise if he were a more involved dad perhaps dd is left with him as resident parent IYSWIM

"Would fathers who just want to visit and not be the daily parent be called "an arse" for chosing that, I wonder...?"

Yes, I would call a man who was basically saying he wanted to walk away from being any sort of meaningful presence in his child's life an arse. Gender is irrelevant. I do think men who aren't interested in their kids are revolting. I don't think people would treat you more harshly because you're a woman.

I think they would, actually, Hecate, but they shouldn't. Or more to the point, they shouldn't treat a man less harshly.

I feel SO FUCKING SAD for your kid when I read this OP

its desperately sad, a child deserves more surely than 2 parents that seem to not give a fxxk

you know what do what you want and fuck who you want, its not that important at the end of the day

I am sorry this is harsh, but I feel every so sad for your daughter as you seem to both put her last

Your poor bloody daughter.