I think I want to want to leave my DH?

[irresponsible2013]

Have name-changed for this.

Before we met, I was in polyamourous relationships. My previous partner had conviced me to do monogamy, which didn?t go well, so we went back to an open relationship when we should have just split up. About a month after finally splitting, I met DH, had the poly vs monogamous chat, and decided to give monogamy a try because ?he didn?t think he could handle polyamoury? and I was still on the rebound from the ex. (dumb, I know!)

We?ve been together for 10 years, married for 7, and have a child who is almost 4.

Periodically, we revisit the open relationship idea, generally when I get a crush on someone. This typically ends with a chat and a ?no way? from him, though this summer it ended with the question ?what do you hope to get out of it??

Basically, I just want to be single and independent and unencumbered by responsibilities (he would be resident parent, and I?d have our child for a day at weekends, and look after the child the 2-3 evenings a week that he is out doing his hobbies.). I don?t want to be a Mother anymore, it?s hard work and I?m sick of it and sick of being the main parent. He can manage when he has to, but doesn?t often manage to take our active child out of the flat when I?m away for a day or weekend... DD always comes to me, ?mama? is her code for ?I want comfort and/or food? as she knows that I am the responsive parent. We spent a few days with friends over Christmas/New Years, and they commented that when I?m not around, DD wilts a bit and just sits and watches TV or plays on her own; DH does not play with her (he does sometimes at home, but not nearly as much as I do, apparently)

I don?t want to have a DH who wants me to kiss only him (perfectly reasonable and normal for a relationship, but I don?t want that anymore. I don?t want to accept it anymore out of love for him anymore, it?s not enough). I keep getting crushes on people (have had a crush on someone other than DH more often than not over the last 6 months or so.) This happened with the ex, too (it was a distance thing and a few weeks before I was due to see him, I?d start a new fling.) but this time around, I think it might be a sign that things are over?

We did have a talk about me leaving this past summer (which is where the ?what would you get out of an open relationship? Q came from), and the idea of DD staying with him was discussed. I know that I don?t have time for a ?proper? new relationship- but I don?t really want that, I want to have fun. Probably just fooling around, rather than actual sex. I know I prob sound like the ?twattish ex? to a lot of MNers... dunno, maybe I am being one

How do I do this? How do I leave him, when do I...?

Complicating matters is that I am on consultation for redundancy at work, so CAN?T afford to rent a room somewhere until I have permenant employment (in my mind, I'd leave him with the flat and DD). We have a mortguage. A child. Our lives are basically entangled, and I want to loose it for... fun? The ability to be irresponsible? The attempt to seek happiness? Am I being stupid, or just realising that what I've got isn't working for me?

I feel like I?m in a situation where I basically hurt him by going, or hurt him by staying and cheating And I don?t want to hurt him at all! Any advice?

You need to read your posts back in a few days OP. why you are getting a flaming is that it reads like this

'I can't be fucked anymore with this parenting lark, I fancy having fun and getting shagged'

If you had written something along the lines of - my DP is useless, I'm left with all the burden, I'm fed up with being a parent, you would have got more responsive messages. Everyone has had moments days of feeling like they just don't want to it anymore, cos tbh it's a hard slog and more so if your doing it on your own. Considering leaving your DD with someone you acknowledge as being a bit crap with her while you go off and have a bit of fun reads as shocking though, it's just not normal behaviour for women or men.

I would try and separate the different threads you are unhappy with, your DH, your monogamous lifestyle, your feelings about being a parent, and then make a decision. Be aware though, if you do decide to leave your daughter it will have a massive effect on her, and resonate even with her own children. It may also have an effect on your other relationships/ friends etc people often do not want much to do with others who have left their children to pursue their own interests. She may also refuse to have a relationship with you in the future.
Just to echo one of the other posters, your DD will not always be so dependant, parent/child relationship is dynamic and chsnges, children usually detach bit by bit gradually, so it won't always be so intense. If you do decide to leave, make arrangements so that your child has another adult with whom she can have a good reliable bond with, as well as her father.
Is there any SS involvement with your family?

SS has been "notified" about me and the darker thoughts I've had, but aren't investigating or anything.

DD has a great bond with her childminder, and that won't change before she goes to school properly (and even then, she might get to stay with this CM, as everyone seems to get on really well)

Just sit and look at your DD. Look at her little hands, her little feet and her little face. Imagine her little face crumpled in tears because her mother has abandoned her. Seriously, could you do it?! It would break my heart. This whole thread breaks my heart tbh!

I also think you might be depressed which is maybe why your post came across as it did

But I really dont think getting fucked by shed loads of men will solve your depression OP

whatevere you do, try and get help and seriously think through the ramifications of leaving your little DD

good luck

I'm only asking, as SS may provide some help if your struggling atm.
Only you know if your relationship with your DH is over, possibly make that decision first, then make a decision about other issues your DD etc.
If your mental health is a bit wobbly, I'd try and get that stabilised before you make any big decisions.

OP, you're clearly struggling and unhappy, and whilst I obviously don't know you, I do know that it's the DEPTH of relationships that makes people happy. It might be exciting to have a fling, it might be a relief to take time out from parenting, but it's unlikely to help, really, because your relationships with your daughter and partners will be relatively shallow. Yes having small children can be exasperating, but what gets a lot of us through the tough days is that deep, deep bond that comes from being an absolutely central part of our children's worlds, from knowing them better than they know themselves, from watching them change and learn, etc. As for your partner, however annoying they may be at times, or boring, or whatever, really fulfilling relationships evolve over time, and are the result of knowing someone at a truly deep level, having been through good and bad times with them, etc.

I've tried to phrase this as politely and constructively as I can, but I must admit I found it hard to get my head round your post. Not being involved in my children's lives every day would be my idea of hell.

Did you really mean polyamourous relationships, or open relationships, or even swinging?

Asking because I've known polyamourous families and it tends to be 3 (or more) people in a steady family type unit with roughly equal levels of responsibility, rather like the old style polyamourous mormons.

What you've let slip seems more like an open relationship where either partner can screw around if they feel like it.

Hi everyone,

Thanks to all those who reported this thread to us. We've just gone through and deleted some posts which we felt were attacking the OP personally.

We'd like to remind you of our talk guidlines, and that the aim of Mumsnet is to make life easier for all parents.

Im a single mum with very little help from the dad, yes its hard, but never once have i thought about palming her off on her dad, so i can go and fuck about with every Tom, Dick and Harry going.

I havent had a relationship in 3 and half years, so i can dedicate my time of raising my daughter, because im her mother, no one else is gonna do it but me.

You need to get serious help before you walk away from your DD, because she will live to resent you for it.

You have provided a good list of methods of contraception there, so did you decide to have DD? Was it your DH's idea? What I wonder is did you want to be a mum form the start or was this an accident? (still amazes me how they happen in this day and age of contraceptive options, but many seem to do a 'whoops I'm pregnant' )

... what I mean is where you a reluctant mother from the off or was it something you tried (like being married?) that you have fond since you don't like?

DD was a much wanted and planned baby. I did have PPD, but maybe I never got over that? Who knows! I just know that motherhood is much harder than I expected and if I had known better, I would not have become a mother.

Allergictoironing, there are several approaches to being poly (The Ethical Slut describes a good few of them), but you're right- it isn't quite what I have time for, let alone what I may or may not want. So, yes, it's more like a swinging situation. (and possibly not even full-on sex, just the new relationship energy. which is a spark I could probably re-find with DH by experimenting more in bed)

OP, you mentioned mental health issues and I hope that this is the reason you have lost perspective. I think you are making the mistake of thinking that your wants/needs are exceptional or different in some way. They are not.

All mothers get tired of drudgery sometimes. We all sometimes hanker after the care free days

Most women - married or not - have crushes (I have had a couple of huge ones since I've been married). I certainly sometimes wish I was able to act on them as it is PERFECTLY NORMAL to crave the excitement/lust of a new relationship

Everyone gets a sense of having lost their identity at some point during motherhood/becoming a wife or long term partner. It's because for the first time in your life you have to compromise and consider someone else's needs. Sometimes this is good, sometimes you feel selfish and resentful of it

ALL NORMAL FEELINGS

You need to understand that most people experience the urges/desire to escape at times and that what you are feeling is quite a normal part of life.

It's good and important to retain a part of who you are and make sure that you feel fulfilled as a woman and not just as a mother and wife but once you have a child, you have to accept that 'doing what you want' would be selfish and you've kind of missed the boat. Your DD deserves for you to work through these feelings and you may end up leaving your DH but you cannot walk away from you DD just because you are experiencing an urge to go and 'live a little'

And for what it's worth, I think you would regret it hugely if you did (walk away from your DD). Once the excitement of being 'free' again had worn off, you would feel shit, guilty and lonely

Thanks again everyone; clearly this was an immature/dark moment of mine! Not helped by DD being especially trying over the holidays and DH being down with a cold (and thus, obviously, not expected to help much)

I will ask for this thread to be deleted well, I wish I could, but that's immature so I will probably just leave it to be burried by other threads and separate the important issues (my relationship with DD and DH?s relationship with her, and whether or not DH and I should be together) into individual threads as and when I have the energy to think about them/work on these things, as Junebugjr suggested. I?ve already started pulling out the most helpful comments to discuss with my councellor.

Part of me wants to give examples about how I generally uphold my responsibilities, but, given that we are all strangers on the internet and I am a name-changer-starting-over-poster, would any of you actually believe me?!?!