I think I want to want to leave my DH?

[irresponsible2013]

Have name-changed for this.

Before we met, I was in polyamourous relationships. My previous partner had conviced me to do monogamy, which didn?t go well, so we went back to an open relationship when we should have just split up. About a month after finally splitting, I met DH, had the poly vs monogamous chat, and decided to give monogamy a try because ?he didn?t think he could handle polyamoury? and I was still on the rebound from the ex. (dumb, I know!)

We?ve been together for 10 years, married for 7, and have a child who is almost 4.

Periodically, we revisit the open relationship idea, generally when I get a crush on someone. This typically ends with a chat and a ?no way? from him, though this summer it ended with the question ?what do you hope to get out of it??

Basically, I just want to be single and independent and unencumbered by responsibilities (he would be resident parent, and I?d have our child for a day at weekends, and look after the child the 2-3 evenings a week that he is out doing his hobbies.). I don?t want to be a Mother anymore, it?s hard work and I?m sick of it and sick of being the main parent. He can manage when he has to, but doesn?t often manage to take our active child out of the flat when I?m away for a day or weekend... DD always comes to me, ?mama? is her code for ?I want comfort and/or food? as she knows that I am the responsive parent. We spent a few days with friends over Christmas/New Years, and they commented that when I?m not around, DD wilts a bit and just sits and watches TV or plays on her own; DH does not play with her (he does sometimes at home, but not nearly as much as I do, apparently)

I don?t want to have a DH who wants me to kiss only him (perfectly reasonable and normal for a relationship, but I don?t want that anymore. I don?t want to accept it anymore out of love for him anymore, it?s not enough). I keep getting crushes on people (have had a crush on someone other than DH more often than not over the last 6 months or so.) This happened with the ex, too (it was a distance thing and a few weeks before I was due to see him, I?d start a new fling.) but this time around, I think it might be a sign that things are over?

We did have a talk about me leaving this past summer (which is where the ?what would you get out of an open relationship? Q came from), and the idea of DD staying with him was discussed. I know that I don?t have time for a ?proper? new relationship- but I don?t really want that, I want to have fun. Probably just fooling around, rather than actual sex. I know I prob sound like the ?twattish ex? to a lot of MNers... dunno, maybe I am being one

How do I do this? How do I leave him, when do I...?

Complicating matters is that I am on consultation for redundancy at work, so CAN?T afford to rent a room somewhere until I have permenant employment (in my mind, I'd leave him with the flat and DD). We have a mortguage. A child. Our lives are basically entangled, and I want to loose it for... fun? The ability to be irresponsible? The attempt to seek happiness? Am I being stupid, or just realising that what I've got isn't working for me?

I feel like I?m in a situation where I basically hurt him by going, or hurt him by staying and cheating And I don?t want to hurt him at all! Any advice?

Honestly, I don't think it is fair or right to stay with your DH. You are hurting him over and over again everytime you bring up wanting an open relationship when he has said several times that he does not want that. So yes, I think you should seperate

You can take steps to becoming single and independant but you can never again be 'unencumbered by responsibilities'. You have a DD and that is something you cannot just walk away from. And if you honestly think that only seeing her a couple of evenings a week and one day at the weekends is the best you can do, then that is breath-takingly selfish.

You will need to sit down and arrange a proper shared custody arrangement, as close to 50/50 as possible, and also start thinking about how both of you are going to help your DD understand what is happening

And I also agree with AfterEightMintyy - make sure your contraception is spot on until you find someone that is looking for the same type of relstionship you are and is willing to be the main carer for any future hypothetical children so you remain as responsibilty free as possible

You,you,you,what about your dd,we all feel like we want to walk away sometimes,but we don't because we have children who depend upon us.
Stop playing at being a wife and mother and then you will grow up,if he is not the man for you,then change the situation,you can't opt out from being a mother.It's not all about you.

What is the problem with asking him to leave? You can share care of DD, meaning he has her anything from 2 weekends a month to 3.5 days a week. You can have free time to pursue other men if you want (nothing wrong with that as long as your DD is not affected) and you don't have to uproot your daughter. What you cannot do, without seriously fucking with her head, is leave and see her a couple of times a week. You're her world - you made her and you are responsible for her happiness. Dumping her full time on an ambivalent father won't make her happy.

You cannot just not want to be a mother anymore. She is not a fucking pet! You are a mother now and all that entails. Either step up or let someone who wants to take over becasue this is shocking

It would be very cruel and unfair to your dh to stay with him, you should leave and give him a chance to find someone who wants the same things as he does.

Right now your issues are finances and your dd seeing you as the main carer. If dh is to become the main carer then you should leave and let him live in the flat so your dd still stays in her home, and in the time whilst you and dh sort out how to seperate finances you and dh should work together to build on the relationship he has with dd so she starts to view dh as main carer and doesn't 'wilt' when you're gone.

Does she really see you as the main carer or is she just wanting a mum?

You're right, Annie. That was very naive of me. you're right. A woman would be thought worse of than a man, by far too many people, for abdicating her parental responsibilities and basically saying she couldn't be arsed to be a parent anymore. somehow, some people seem to think that it's just one of those things when a man can't be arsed to be a parent to the children he created

Whereas they should be thought of the same way. It's equally wrong regardless of gender.

I also agree with aftereight, if you're plan is to go out and 'have fun' without any responsibility then you need to make sure you don't fall pregnant and put another child through this. Your dh may want to take over care of his dd but if you fall pg again and the next guy doesn't then what are you going to do?

*your.

I guess everyone has already said about not being able to just walk away and have a couple of days with your DD.

So one thing I will say is that things change when they go to school. As they get older and become a little more independent things do get easier in some ways, the pre-school years ARE tough and even though my child is my world I did have times when the responsibility weighed on me. I find that now he is a little bit older (6) I find parenting more enjoyable in some ways. It's still hard work but the 'slog' for want of a better word does not feel as present as it did a couple of years ago.

Are you sure you are not depressed as well because that can make people feel like just running away from their responsibilities at times?

However having said all of that if you are the primary caregiver now and she is not as great when with your husband then simply upping and walking off would be even more damaging to her. Can you not sit down with your husband and explain how you feel and try to get more of a balance between childcare responsiblities, get him to improve his relationship with your daughter and maybe you could go for some counselling and / or parenting courses. Sometimes we get so bogged down in the practicalities of rearing children we forget how to relate to them and enjoy them.

Lastly I just wanted to let you know that my dad did what you are proprosing to do. It fucked me up badly. It still hurts now that he wanted booze and a responsibility free life more than he wanted me and my siblings. Basically I think he is a cunt. Is that what you want your daughter to think of you?

ErikNorseman "asking him to leave" - are you mad? Read the post again. OP does not want to be a Mother anymore.

OP you are messing with other peoples' lives here. Frankly, I think you should show this thread to your husband and start planning how he will become the main carer because as you say, you do not want this anymore.

Your daughter will be better off if you and your husband start taking responsibility. If you don't feel able to do that, then your daughter will be better off without you.

I'm just hoping this is a wind-up thread

Ooops generally to everyone - sorry for the swearing that sort of popped out.

OP - As for poly well it can be a fulfilling and valid lifestyle choice for some people, I know some for whhom it works really well. However the way you describe it makes it sound like for you it is more about withdrawing from commitments. Just how it sounds to me.

'I think I want to leave my Dh and Dd' Would have been a more appropriate thread title.

I initially hoped thought this was a wind up. Now not so sure.

Fact is, your daughter will probably be on here in twenty yrs time talking about her toxic other even is you DO stay. Because there ain't many mothers out there who could do what you are proposing. It is infact the antithesis of what most mothers would find appealing. What exactly are you hoping to do with your free time? Just shag about? Nice.

Am I being judgey? Hell yeah. More judgey than I have ever been on mumsnet.

Whiningly asking how you 'grow up'. Are you bleeding kidding me.

I say, leave. Your daughter calls for you at 4 years old because she is insecure. Poor love, let down so badly by her mother. Either be a mother or pee off. Posting such heartbreaking threads on mumsnet makes me wish that social services monitored mumsnet.

This is one of the most depressing threads I have read on MN. And next time someone comes out with the UTTER BILGE about pregnancy 'changing' women and nobody regrets having a child- I will direct them to this.
I don't have children and have never married- that was my CHOICE because I wouldn't want to get older knowing I had fucked up another human being. You chose to have your daughter- sorry but the least you can now do is knuckle down and try to give her at least the semblance of a stable childhood.

Your op reads as one of the most disgustingly selfish things I have ever seen/heard. You had a child but now it's a bit tough? Welcome to the world. I really hope your dh takes this decision out of your hands by leaving you with nothing while providing your daughter with the love she deserves.

Your attitude sickens me.

Do I think you are a selfish arse? Yes. I think that men who do what you want to do are also selfish arses.
I do think you should leave. I don't think staying with your daughter feeling the way you do about her will be good for her in the long term. I wish you'd put a bit of thought into it five years ago.

I don't see why the dh should leave. The OP doesn't want the responsibility of being a parent anymore and doesn't want to be tied to her husband. In her own words; 'Basically, I just want to be single and independent and unencumbered by responsibilities'. She should leave, not the husband and child.

There is so much in the OP but looking at this bit:
"He can manage when he has to, but doesn?t often manage to take our active child out of the flat when I?m away for a day or weekend... DD always comes to me, ?mama? is her code for ?I want comfort and/or food? as she knows that I am the responsive parent. We spent a few days with friends over Christmas/New Years, and they commented that when I?m not around, DD wilts a bit and just sits and watches TV or plays on her own; DH does not play with her"

I think OP has been a good, concerned, involved mother to her dd so far. The problem is that her dh has been less so. I think this inbalance has caused a lot of the problems they have

Yeah, the trouble with having children is that you have to KEEP ON being a concerned and involved mother- not just give up after five years. Life's a bitch innit