I think I want to want to leave my DH?

[irresponsible2013]

Have name-changed for this.

Before we met, I was in polyamourous relationships. My previous partner had conviced me to do monogamy, which didn?t go well, so we went back to an open relationship when we should have just split up. About a month after finally splitting, I met DH, had the poly vs monogamous chat, and decided to give monogamy a try because ?he didn?t think he could handle polyamoury? and I was still on the rebound from the ex. (dumb, I know!)

We?ve been together for 10 years, married for 7, and have a child who is almost 4.

Periodically, we revisit the open relationship idea, generally when I get a crush on someone. This typically ends with a chat and a ?no way? from him, though this summer it ended with the question ?what do you hope to get out of it??

Basically, I just want to be single and independent and unencumbered by responsibilities (he would be resident parent, and I?d have our child for a day at weekends, and look after the child the 2-3 evenings a week that he is out doing his hobbies.). I don?t want to be a Mother anymore, it?s hard work and I?m sick of it and sick of being the main parent. He can manage when he has to, but doesn?t often manage to take our active child out of the flat when I?m away for a day or weekend... DD always comes to me, ?mama? is her code for ?I want comfort and/or food? as she knows that I am the responsive parent. We spent a few days with friends over Christmas/New Years, and they commented that when I?m not around, DD wilts a bit and just sits and watches TV or plays on her own; DH does not play with her (he does sometimes at home, but not nearly as much as I do, apparently)

I don?t want to have a DH who wants me to kiss only him (perfectly reasonable and normal for a relationship, but I don?t want that anymore. I don?t want to accept it anymore out of love for him anymore, it?s not enough). I keep getting crushes on people (have had a crush on someone other than DH more often than not over the last 6 months or so.) This happened with the ex, too (it was a distance thing and a few weeks before I was due to see him, I?d start a new fling.) but this time around, I think it might be a sign that things are over?

We did have a talk about me leaving this past summer (which is where the ?what would you get out of an open relationship? Q came from), and the idea of DD staying with him was discussed. I know that I don?t have time for a ?proper? new relationship- but I don?t really want that, I want to have fun. Probably just fooling around, rather than actual sex. I know I prob sound like the ?twattish ex? to a lot of MNers... dunno, maybe I am being one

How do I do this? How do I leave him, when do I...?

Complicating matters is that I am on consultation for redundancy at work, so CAN?T afford to rent a room somewhere until I have permenant employment (in my mind, I'd leave him with the flat and DD). We have a mortguage. A child. Our lives are basically entangled, and I want to loose it for... fun? The ability to be irresponsible? The attempt to seek happiness? Am I being stupid, or just realising that what I've got isn't working for me?

I feel like I?m in a situation where I basically hurt him by going, or hurt him by staying and cheating And I don?t want to hurt him at all! Any advice?

Can I just add, despite all the opprobrium (and really, what else would you expect on a parenting forum?), that by the sound of it, up till now you must have been a pretty good mother. It may feel like a burden at times, but your DD loves you and trusts you to take proper care of her. On the other hand, although of course fathers can be the primary carer and some make an ace job of it, it does seem that your DH is not really that sort of father. If he were tremendously hands-on and your daughter blossomed in his presence then it would not be too horrible for words to let him take the main responsibility for her care while you spent good quality time with her in between. But that "if" just ain't happening here, at least not at the moment while she's small. Walking out of her life - even partly out - isn't the right answer. Having a child does not of itself doom you to a life chained to the kitchen sink, though (just ask SolidGoldBrass!).

ZZZenAgain "The problem is that her dh has been less so. I think this inbalance has caused a lot of the problems they have"

No - OP doesn't want to be a mother anymore. She doesn't want any responsibilties. THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

What did you expect? That your daughter would be able to take care of herself by the time she was 4?

You wanting to shag around is another, far less important issue than a child's welfare. Your whole OP is just about you, you, you. You say you don't want to be a mother anymore, so basically you don't want your daughter anymore, which is so tragic for that little girl. Don't you love her at all?

giveme
maybe it wouldn't have reached this point though

I wonder if you are capable of love op. I mean that seriously and perhaps its something best discussed in counselling because you don't appear to love either you husband or child.

ZZZ plenty of people have crap relationships where one of them does not involve themselves as much in childcare. It does not mean that the other person should suddenly bale out from being a parent. Any why does it always have to be the man's fault, even when it is so stark staringly obvious that the OP is looking for excuses to leave her own child.

Imagine for a moment that what you want becomes reality.

How do you think it will affect your daughter when a few years down the line she stays with mum with a string of boyfriends coming through the house?.....

I'm sure I'm not the only (LP) one who's had times of despair thinking "It's all too much/wish I had more time to do the stuff I want/etc." but the fact is you just get on with it cos THAT'S WHAT YOU SIGN UP FOR WHEN YOU DECIDE TO HAVE A CHILD.

ImperialBlether, giving her away is the one option I literally have not yet considered (am currently trying to get my antidepressants sorted out, and am in councelling to fix my underlying mental issues.).

As for my selfishness, my mother once berated me for ?always taking the broken biscuit and leaving the whole ones for other people? and my councellor doesn?t think I am (but I would say this, wouldn?t I?)

I am rather surprised at how many people don't seem to consider abortion an adequate backup plan to contraception, or who seem to have missed the memo that says you need sperm in contact with your vagina in order to get pregnant- there are loads of great ways of being sexual while still practicing "abstenance". And loads of great gloves, dental dams, and condoms to prevent disseases.

I?m also surprised at how many people seem to think that attacking me is going to somehow make things better for DD, rather than try and, I dunno, offer constructive advice to the fucking selfish bitch of an OP. (some have been, but seriously, this is not AIBU!)

SundaysGirl Thanks for your reply, all of it is quite helpful, but especially ?So one thing I will say is that things change when they go to school. As they get older and become a little more independent things do get easier in some ways, the pre-school years ARE tough and even though my child is my world I did have times when the responsibility weighed on me. I find that now he is a little bit older (6) I find parenting more enjoyable in some ways. It's still hard work but the 'slog' for want of a better word does not feel as present as it did a couple of years ago.?

I?ll talk to the HV about parenting classes (may even try to take DH along).
If we had a 3 bed flat, I?d think about moving into the spare room, rather than just OUT.

ZZZenAgain He was sad that I wanted to leave, and muttered something about ?knowing it wouldn?t work out, it never does?... but then, he stopped being someone who would TALK with me about 4-5 years into our relationship I miss just nattering on like we used to, and having a friendship, rather than a shared existance.

I don't think it is necessarily his fault or indeed always the man at fault. As far as I know, wanting to have relationships outside of her marriage was something that cropped up before the dd was born so commitment is maybe a problem for her anyway. However I see there is an inbalance in parenting intensity, it could be due to working hours I don't know but the inbalance seems to be there atm

OP do you love your daughter?

As everyone is saying, the main issue here is your DD.

My mother and father split up when I was little and I was meant to live with my mother. In fact, I lived with my grandparents for the rest of my childhood, whilst my mother lived with her new lover 100 miles away. She came back to see me every weekend, which she thought made it all right. It wasn't. I grieved for her every week, like a bereavement. It probably made it harder that I would see her again, only to have her leave me after a couple of days. I missed her so, so much.

Your parents are supposed to love you unconditionally. No matter what they say to the contrary, if they act in a way that shows that you are clearly not the most important thing in their lives and they can do without you, that sends you a very clear message that you are unloveable. After all, if your parents don't love you, who can?

It took me years to come to terms with it. Please don't do this to your DD.

That's awful nickname

I dont think people are attacking you, I just dont think you realise how appaling your post read OP

It shocked me, and it shocked alot of other people thats all

if you are already seeing a councillor about depression/underlying mental health issues, could you bring this up in those sessions?

Surely people's reactions should alert you to the fact that what you are seriously considering is out of the realms of our comprehension and your whole OP reeks of selfishness, so there are a fair few of us are just flabbergasted.

If you are in counselling then you either need address these issues with him/her because following through on them would seriously fuck your DD up.

By all means leave your DH and pursue your dalliances with endless men but your DD should always be your priority and you need to face up to the fact that your responsibilities towards her will never end. Ever.

Are you really calling your dd 'the child'?

MardyArsedMidlander, you can also refer them to the very long post on the MH board here where others have similar regrets...

ZZZenAgain seems to have read between the lines correctly, at least!

Thanks for sharing, Nicknamechange I don't want that for my DD, anymore than I want her to have the same issues that my parents left me with. I don't want her to be where I am in 30 years.

Your poor dd, sorry but she needs to come first.

And to think I was feeling guilty for wanting to return to work a few months earlier than originally planned.

My mum decided when I was 15/16 that she didn't want to be a parent anymore despite me & my brother living with her at the time. Our relationship survived but only just & it took a lot of work. I believe I still have self esteem issues because of what happened.

To be honest I found it a very difficult post to read but I hope things get sorted out somehow for the good

I have a friend who made a similar decision to the one you desire, OP. She is now lost. She has realised she cannot 'opt' out of being a full time parent, and is worried about her dcs when she is not there. The other men and 'fun' she sought is not all she wanted it to be.

I would advice caution and trying other ways, as have been suggested here.

I am reminded of a favourite saying

'They change their skies and not their souls
those who sail across the seas
What you seek is here'

Please do go ahead with your plan to ask about parenting classes, and keep going with the counselling. It is the right thing to do: you need to sort out your mental health and work on this urge to run away from the life you have now. You may not want to remain with your husband, but you need to work on an alternative arrangement that won't harm your daughter long-term...and believe me, opting out on responsibility and giving in to the urge to "not be a parent" will cause intolerable hurt. Your daughter needs you and will always need you and you have got to realise that the option to walk away and have some fun isn't compatible with real life.

You may feel that you have had some harsh responses but there isn't a single person here who wouldn't be glad if you tried to sort out your mindset and did your best to be a parent to your daughter, even if you were still struggling.

Op you sound like you could be depressed to me.

Zzen thank you for taking the time to look past your initial "difficult to read" feeling and try to be constructive. I really aprpeciate the HELPFUL people, rather than the ones that just sit back and say "my goodness, what an immature person you are!" (etc). Like hoiking your judgey-pants is going to help.