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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tips for getting over someone

52 replies

XmasKnapsack · 01/01/2013 20:07

Hi, this is a really trivial problem, and I'm sure it's been discussed before, so I hope you don't mind me starting a new thread.

I had a short relationship this summer that felt so perfect, but very long distances were involved. We both very quickly seemed to be so happy, and we were both surprised how quickly we had become infatuated. At the time, the person I was with said they were single. We were together geographically for about 3 weeks, then apart for about 3 weeks. I then visited the person again, and they told me they still had feelings for their ex. They have subsequently gone back to their ex.

Since then, we've not seen each other. We have had a little contact, which I understand is a bit of a no-no, but we had some professional need for contact. I've blocked them on Facebook, etc to try and stop me facestalking, etc. On a few occasions, they've told me that they're still not happy with their partner, that I'm wonderful, but the distance was difficult, they have a lot of heartache, etc, etc.

I keep on going around and around in my head with the thought that if we'd given it a go, we could have been perfect, and knowing they're not happy with their ex, I think there's a chance they'll come back to me. This will make me sound crazy, but I sometimes think that while I'm awake, there isn't an hour where I don't think of our relationship.

How does one get over this? I think I may be crazy to find it so difficult to get over it. I've not had any contact for the last month, so that isn't working. Does one try meditation? See a doctor? I would really appreciate some advice on how to get over someone where I'm practically obsessed.

Thanks

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2013 20:17

"they're still not happy with their partner, that I'm wonderful, but the distance was difficult, they have a lot of heartache,"

Maybe start by pruning out the flowers and hearts seeing it how it really was? This man was never really single, you were a handy shag when it suited, and now he's too much of a coward (or too scared because of your reaction) to tell you it's over....

Second... properly drop contact so he can't mess with your head and fill your waking hours with very mentally absorbing or physically challenging activity. Give yourself as little time to mull over the past as possible. If you think you may be depressed (closely related to obsession) then consider talking to a GP.

Original poster

XmasKnapsack · 01/01/2013 20:35

Thanks. The first is the most difficult. I find it really difficult to think that I was just an easy shag - maybe I'm naive, but it almost doesn't compute. I see what you're saying, in that I should try and accept that, but his words and actions seemed to suggest that wasn't the case. It seemed so perfect intellectually, sexually, emotionally, etc. I "know" you're probably right, but it's hard to accept it.

I'm pretty much on no contact now, so what would you say to a doctor?

OP posts:

Smale · 01/01/2013 20:38

Sounds like they're either too scared to tell to you it's over or they're keeping you as plan B.

Agree with Cog, you need to stop all contact, delete phone numbers, email addresses etc and then throw yourself into something time consuming. I've recently been in a similar place (bit obsessed by a non-relationship) it sucks, you have my sympathy.

izzyizin · 01/01/2013 20:39

there isn't an hour where I don't think of our relationship

What relationship? You had a fling with a dirty lowdown lying cheat guy whose affections were, and continue to be, engaged elsewhere.

Surely the simple fact that he duped you while dupng his long term/live in lover should be sufficient incentive for you to chalk him up to experience and move on.

After all, if he were to make himself free to commit to you, what guarantee would you have that he'd remain faithful and that you weren't being maligned as the partner he wasn't happy with when he was off seducing gullible other women?

By definition, infatuations are of short duration. Get out there and put yourself about socially and you'll soon find that thoughts of him will be repaced by infatuations with thoughts of others.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 01/01/2013 20:42

Find something else to do! I got really into the gym/ fitness classes/ running when I was newly single- clears your mind and makes you feel good about yourself at the same time.

Read books that transport you somewhere else. Fill up your social diary, so you don't have time to obsess/ think about it ( as a bonus, you might even meet someone better and more suitable while you are out and about.)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2013 20:43

What would you say to a doctor?... That you're six months on from a short fling but still upset & obsessing to degree that is preventing you from leading a normal life. If there are any specific symptoms you can point to such as headaches, severe weight-loss/gain, sleeplessness, inability to concentrate, frequent crying... it'll all help with a diagnosis.

You've posted about this before, I think. They all say they love you and you're their soul mate when they think you have to go home in a few weeks so it won't matter. 'Turkish Waiter Syndrome'....

Xales · 01/01/2013 20:45

They are still not happy with their partner.

First off how would you like to be with someone and have them saying this to a short term shag about you behind your back? Nice person - not.

Secondly, they are still not happy with their partner but they picked that person over you. Tells you how little they really felt/wanted you. If they wanted a relationship with you they would be in a relationship with you.

I keep on going around and around in my head with the thought that if we'd given it a go, we could have been perfect, and knowing they're not happy with their ex, I think there's a chance they'll come back to me.

You have actually hit the nail on the head in there do you realise that? They are keeping you dangling. You are not good enough to be with but you are good enough to keep hooked with just enough sweet talk for a back up or occasional shag on the side if you agree and they get bored.

See this person for what they are. Someone who didn't actually think you were good enough for a long term relationship but good enough to keep hanging around just in case.

You deserve better.

izzyizin · 01/01/2013 20:48

A man who's in a relationship but claims to be single is out for one thing a practised seducer, honey.

Of course he was 'perfect'; being so attentive/fun/considerate to be around is how he got your gets their knickers off.

There's no shortage of chancers like him around and all you can do is not wear your heart on your sleeve learn from experience who to snog and who to avoid and not make the same mistake again.

Original poster

XmasKnapsack · 01/01/2013 20:55

Thanks, when I see it all written down, I can see that it would seem logically that he was a dirty rotten scoundrel, but I don't "get" it, it doesn't sink in. I can explain everything away

e.g., they chose to go back to their ex, as she was in the same town - I'm thousands of miles away, not because the other person was better for them.

I am trying a lot of things to keep my mind occupied - sudokus are really good to take my mind of it for a short time, I do go out running and cycling several times a week, I socialise a fair bit, I go out several times a week - it's just it never seems to really fade.

I am listening to the advice, it's just hard to actually take on board, if that makes sense

OP posts:

weevilswobble · 01/01/2013 21:05

cognitoergosometimes 'obsession similar to depression' Can you elaborate?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2013 21:42

It's just my observation but I think there are a lot of commonalities between various mental health problems rather than neat cut-offs between each one. There isn't very much separating a depressed person convinced their whole life is hopeless and an obsessed person who has chosen to fixate on something hopeless that creates the same sense of despair. Is the OP depressed because they've been obsessing about an old fling or are they clinically depressed and reacting by obsessing?

Original poster

XmasKnapsack · 01/01/2013 21:57

I wonder whether what will work is to try and consciously stop myself everytime I think of him, maybe that's the one thing I've not really tried

OP posts:

badinage · 01/01/2013 22:04

It would have stopped this obsession in its tracks if he'd been honest with you at the start and the end.

His 'ex' was evidently his current girlfriend; then and now.

He was trying to let you down gently when he said it was just distance that was keeping you apart. The truth is that he prefers her to you and would choose her even if everything was equal.

I'm surprised you're not angry about being duped by such an obvious liar.

izzyizin · 01/01/2013 22:06

You mean you haven't tried to stop thinking about him?

Replacing unwelcome or negative thoughts with positive ones is the basis of CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) and continuing to constantly focus one's thoughts on one person/object can lead to the type of obsession that can be mistaken for depression.

weevilswobble · 01/01/2013 22:07

One thing for sure is working on your own self esteem as though you were working it in a gym has to be a good thing. I can completely sympathise with obsessive behaviour. I'm in a somewhat mad relationship myself atm. Am also in and out of depression while ending my business and dealing with serious financial stuff. Life has become a bit like wading through mud while on a rollercoaster. I wanna be strolling along the beach towards a beautiful cosy beach hut instead.

Original poster

XmasKnapsack · 01/01/2013 22:08

I know you might be right, but I just can't believe that, and that may be what keeps me hanging on - that doesn't mean I'm not listening - when we met, he told me (caveat, it could have been all lies) they'd split, but they'd split up so many times before, that it would never work out between them - the ex was a manic depressive, and she only made him miserable

OP posts:

Original poster

XmasKnapsack · 01/01/2013 22:09

I dont know anything about CBT, so sorry for that

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2013 22:12

Life lesson... men that trash their exes to the new g/f are shiny shits. What is he telling the next one about you right now, I wonder?

Original poster

XmasKnapsack · 01/01/2013 22:14

thanks, I need to accept they're not a very nice person

OP posts:

badinage · 01/01/2013 22:15

Stop thinking she was ever an 'ex'.

She wasn't. She was a woman he was cheating on.

She's probably not a 'manic depressive' either, although she's entitled to be if she's in a relationship with this little prick.....

izzyizin · 01/01/2013 22:24

Absolutely what badinage has said. The other woman is not his 'ex' - you are the ow he cheated on her with.

As hard, or as unbelievable, as this may sound, you meant nothing to him except another notch on his belt.

In short, he conned you into believing he was something he's not. That's what practised deceivers do to get in your knickers what they want out of others.

Put all thoughts of him out of your head and if any stray thoughts pop up whack them with a hammer replace them with thoughts of other things/people.

Original poster

XmasKnapsack · 01/01/2013 22:35

I know the woman is not his ex now. I'll never know whether they were split up, and it's hard to think it was all lies, because for a while, I trusted him.

Is it even feasible to imagine that he actually is in an unhappy relationship - for example, if the genders were reversed (they're not), could it be possible that it would be a woman in an unhappy relationship, but can't leave them out of guilt?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2013 22:41

You mean.... the biggest, oldest, toughest chestnut in the book? 'My wife/husband doesn't understand me' 'we haven't had sex for years' 'we're so unhappy but I can't leave her because she's mentally unstable '.....

That one?

Original poster

XmasKnapsack · 01/01/2013 22:45

yup, I know it's a cliche - is it ever true?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2013 22:48

Still clutching at straws I see.

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