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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tips for getting over someone

52 replies

XmasKnapsack · 01/01/2013 20:07

Hi, this is a really trivial problem, and I'm sure it's been discussed before, so I hope you don't mind me starting a new thread.

I had a short relationship this summer that felt so perfect, but very long distances were involved. We both very quickly seemed to be so happy, and we were both surprised how quickly we had become infatuated. At the time, the person I was with said they were single. We were together geographically for about 3 weeks, then apart for about 3 weeks. I then visited the person again, and they told me they still had feelings for their ex. They have subsequently gone back to their ex.

Since then, we've not seen each other. We have had a little contact, which I understand is a bit of a no-no, but we had some professional need for contact. I've blocked them on Facebook, etc to try and stop me facestalking, etc. On a few occasions, they've told me that they're still not happy with their partner, that I'm wonderful, but the distance was difficult, they have a lot of heartache, etc, etc.

I keep on going around and around in my head with the thought that if we'd given it a go, we could have been perfect, and knowing they're not happy with their ex, I think there's a chance they'll come back to me. This will make me sound crazy, but I sometimes think that while I'm awake, there isn't an hour where I don't think of our relationship.

How does one get over this? I think I may be crazy to find it so difficult to get over it. I've not had any contact for the last month, so that isn't working. Does one try meditation? See a doctor? I would really appreciate some advice on how to get over someone where I'm practically obsessed.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
XmasKnapsack · 01/01/2013 22:52

Yup, I'm not denying some of the thoughts that go through my head. I completely see how it looks very obvious to others, but when you're in it, it's not so obvious.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2013 23:02

That's the trouble when you've been sold a pack of lies. You'll never actually know what's true and what isn't. He certainly isn't going to tell you. So you either drive yourself quietly nuts asking questions to which there are no answers or you can put the whole sorry mess in a mental box marked 'Experience' stop thinking about it and do your level best to fill your days with something more worthwhile.

Original poster
XmasKnapsack · 01/01/2013 23:08

Thanks, I do try! I notice it seems to come and go - I live alone, and can be quite fine, and then one evening, it can come back again

OP posts:
badinage · 01/01/2013 23:21

Of course he's not staying in an unhappy relationship out of guilt! If he wasn't getting something out of his relationship with this woman, he would leave her. They have got no children (as far as you know) and there are no messy barriers to breaking up like a divorce and splitting finances.

Even when a bloke's married with kids, it's nearly always a lie that he's 'staying for the children' but it's always a lie if he's unmarried without kids.

This bloke has played you both like a fiddle, but at least you've got the good fortune to know he's a cheat and a liar. Pity his poor girlfriend who presumably, does not.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2013 23:26

"I notice it seems to come and go"

Then you're actually making better progress than you think.

weevilswobble · 02/01/2013 08:10

One small point: you said theres thousands of miles between you. How could that EVER work? How did you meet him? Why the distance???

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/01/2013 08:58

(Work-related trip overseas I seem to remember. A variation on the holiday romance.)

Original poster
XmasKnapsack · 02/01/2013 10:51

We spent a very intense three weeks together through work - and we were together every day from 8am to 10pm. I know it's easy to dismiss as a holiday romance, but it didn't feel like that at the time

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/01/2013 11:12

But that's all it effectively was.... You realise that now?

Original poster
XmasKnapsack · 02/01/2013 11:19

No, not entirely

OP posts:
weevilswobble · 02/01/2013 11:29

I want to scream on your behalf! Its a feeling of going round and round and not being able to see the exit. Something will jolt you onto a new path soon.

Original poster
XmasKnapsack · 02/01/2013 11:37

Thanks, I know this is really a trivial problem seeing what people have to go through, and I'm a lot better than I was - it's just I don't "get" that it was just a summer romance, and he was a lying cheat - I know he's not happy where he is, and I could have made him happy if circumstances been different.

Maybe I don't want to admit I was wrong

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/01/2013 11:50

Of course you don't want to admit you were wrong. And you don't even have to do that provided you leave him in the past, put him down to experience and move on with your life. You're fully entitled to sail into the sunset believing it was the Great Romance and you were the Star Crossed Lovers provided it makes you feel better. However, since the delusion seems to be making you feel worse rather than better, you need a different strategy.

GoodGirlGoneBad74 · 02/01/2013 12:52

I enter this thread with trepidation since 2 of these posters have eaten me for breakfast previously gulp... yet, I just want to add a different view from somebody who has been on the other side of this kind of thing.
OK, you may WELL all be right, but I refuse to accept that EVERY man out there is a player and out to cause hurt and wreak havoc. This guy should not have lied (if in fact, he did...he may well have honestly broken up with the on again/off again ex when you 1st met...hard to say for sure)
I found myself involved in an emotional affair this year with somebody I met online and since I am married, it was I who was the scoundrel and cheater! I was, however, totally honest and upfront with the OM all along about my position, etc. What I AM guilty of is selfishness (or you could say weakness and lack of willpower) and I possibly allowed him to get his hopes up that we could somehow be together one day when I knew all along the chances of that were so slim. I guess I just let myself get swept up in the fantasy- it was an amazing feeling to feel so wanted and I genuinely liked making him happy.
Even now that I´ve finally managed to break it off properly (well I´ve just about managed no contact now for 10 days and it´s bloody hard, I can tell you!) I was still unable to tell him NEVER....I guess I TOO am guilty of keeping the door ajar just a smidgeon because I like the idea of a fallback plan should things with my dear hubby not work out!
Selfish TICK, Irresposible TICK....a bad person?? I know some of you will go TICK TICK TICK, but actually I don´t believe I am and neither does my husband who is sticking with me despite knowing all.
We humans- male AND female are complicated.
This man MAY well be a prize shit or perhaps, like me....somebody caught between two people, two worlds and some powerful and confusing emotions.
BUT....just to conclude, despite my making a case for him POSSIBLY not being the antichrist incarnate....he IS no good for you- he´s gone back to her. Take your image of him and you together, be glad of what your shared, seal it away in a mental box, file under happy memories and move on. All this backing and forthing as to whether he was genuine or whether he´s a bastard, just makes you spend more time thinking about him. Draw the line.
Yeah, easier said than done...sorry! Good luck x

Original poster
XmasKnapsack · 02/01/2013 13:31

Thanks.

The conclusion is I do have to move on, but I tend to think that he was genuinely trapped between two emotions - the girl who was there, and me, perhaps the better matched (sorry if that sounds arrogant). But you're also right - it doesn't matter, I need to file it away

He wrote to me just before Christmas to say he was unhappy and maybe he would be better with me - I replied to say if you're having second thoughts, be honest, but don't mess me around. He wrote to say he didn't think the distance would work, and he hasn't changed his mind "yet". He also wrote he couldn't give me any hope "at this stage". I honestly think he's troubled and unhappy.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/01/2013 13:38

I honestly think he's a shiny shit that enjoys tugging at your heart-strings for the sheer satisfaction of knowing that he just has to click his fingers and you're right there, waiting for instructions. Phrases like 'hasn't changed his mind yet' are utter cruelty, nothing more, nothing less. Stop listening to his poisonous crap and PLEASE stop feeling sorry for him.

Original poster
XmasKnapsack · 02/01/2013 13:44

I pointed out those phrases to him, and he was apologetic, and said it was characteristic of how unrooted he is right now (is that a word?)

I've had no contact now for three weeks, and it is feeling better - and Cogito, I do agree you speak a lot of sense, and I'm 90% certain you're right ...

OP posts:
badinage · 02/01/2013 13:49

I'm sure it makes you feel better to believe that you are superior to his poor girlfriend and that he's a lost soul who is bravely staying with a troubled woman, rather than following his dreams......

But it isn't the truth and you'd be better off not deluding yourself and empathising more with women who get fucked around by dicks like this one, because you run the risk of becoming the perennial spare wheel in other couples' relationships. I have a feeling that this won't be the last time you'll be an OW making excuses for why a man doesn't choose to be with you, unless you wise up fast.

Original poster
XmasKnapsack · 02/01/2013 13:49

I just wanted to add as a justification for my doubt, we do hear a lot of women on here who are unhappy - but even with or without children, find it very difficult to leave a partner they know is no good for them - I don't see any reason why there aren't men in similar positions

OP posts:
Original poster
XmasKnapsack · 02/01/2013 13:51

As far as I know, he was single when we met - it's only an assumption that I was an OW

OP posts:
badinage · 02/01/2013 13:53

Actually, you really don't see a lot of unmarried women with good jobs and no children, staying with men who make them unhappy, on Mumsnet or in real life. Especially when there is an alternative man they'd prefer to be with.....

Original poster
XmasKnapsack · 02/01/2013 13:55

I've seen a fair few threads, and I know in real-life, leaving often involves a lot of guilt (this is just for argument's sake)

OP posts:
Original poster
XmasKnapsack · 02/01/2013 13:58

(to add, there's a current thread that seems to be very much that case)

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/01/2013 14:02

You may not have been an OW in the summer when you thought he was single but you're definitely the OW now. All the time he's contacting you saying he's unhappy - but not sure if he can be bothered to do anything about it at the moment, obviously - she could be in the next room. It's tough to romanticise that

badinage · 02/01/2013 14:03

What, from an unmarried, childless woman in a good job who's met the man of her dreams and is considering staying with a man who makes her unhappy? Do link if that's the case!