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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who do you talk to

36 replies

JustAnotherLlama · 29/12/2012 23:26

When you can't talk to people involved?

I have a big decision to make, either way I will upset someone, I need to talk it through in detail so that I know i'm doing the right thing. I can't talk to either of the people involved, it's not something I can talk to friends about as I can't trust them to keep it to themselves... So who do I talk to?

OP posts:
VoiceofUnreason · 29/12/2012 23:27

Us?

Original poster
JustAnotherLlama · 29/12/2012 23:35

I guess that would be sensible, its just a lot to get my head around at the moment.

OP posts:
Tortington · 29/12/2012 23:36

listening

HollyBerryBush · 29/12/2012 23:38

Forums are rarely unbiased - everyone wants to tell you their story whcih won't have the same circumstances as yours.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 29/12/2012 23:40

Talk it through here, answer the questions people ask you, and you'll find your own solutions in the answers you give (rather than in the opinions of others iyswim).

abbierhodes · 29/12/2012 23:42

I was once told that when you ask for advice, you aalrready know what you want to hear. That's how you determine whether someone gives 'good' or 'bad' advice- it's whether or not they tell you what you want to hear.

So, based on that- the best person to talk to is yourself. Deep down, you already have the answers.

ImperialBlether · 29/12/2012 23:46

Write it down. I agree with the poster who said on a forum, everyone wants to say their own piece.

Original poster
JustAnotherLlama · 29/12/2012 23:47

I have to choose between my dp and dm. My relationship with my family is very toxic. Dm and I have a good relationship until I step out of line. Dp and I have been seperated for months due to him lying about a flat deposit and dm stepping in and telling me I couldn't be with him. [it all sounds so sad written down, I was very ill after my pregnancy at the time]

If I decide to try at my relationship with dp for out baby and move in with him i'll lose my dm. If I went into full details i'd be here for hours and bore people to tears, but thats what I need. Someone just to listen.

OP posts:
jessjessjess · 29/12/2012 23:48

How about a counsellor of some sort?

ImperialBlether · 29/12/2012 23:49

Are either of them what you want, really? Could you break free of both of them?

HollyBerryBush · 29/12/2012 23:51

I'm always cautious about the word 'toxic' - do you mean she is a poisonous person or do you mean she sometimes says things you don't agree with? Like dissing your partner over a house deposit? is she really 'toxic' or telling you the truth and you don't want to hear it?

What you have written is scant, but you are an adult, a mother yourself - don't ever settle for second best in any relationship - be that your DM or DP

Now you type it all out, as much as you want to tell us anyway.

Original poster
JustAnotherLlama · 29/12/2012 23:52

Imperial - That terrifies me. I love dm to bits, though having a read through the toxic families threads has made me see that actually things aren't quite right.

I think the problem is I keep changing my mind, sometimes I think i'd like to make it work with dp, other times I think I can continue to manage on my own.

OP posts:
abbierhodes · 29/12/2012 23:53

I don't think that counts as choosing between your mother and him tbh. I think you'd be choosing between your mother and your freedom to live your own life. If he turns out to be an arsehole- well, at least you'll know. Your mother. Does not have the right to forbid you from being with him. We have to make our own mistakes in this life.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 29/12/2012 23:53

Who is setting this ultimatum: you, dm, or dp?

HollyBerryBush · 29/12/2012 23:55

If I decide to try at my relationship with dp for out baby and move in with him i'll lose my dm

Is that the right reason to be with your DP? for your baby, rather than for you?

ZZZenAgain · 29/12/2012 23:55

if your mother is fine till you step out of line and then she is toxic, do you think she is the right person to be making decisions about your life?

Do you love this man and does he want to get back together?

HollyBerryBush · 29/12/2012 23:59

sometimes I think i'd like to make it work with dp, other times I think I can continue to manage on my own.

then don't do anything until you decide what is right for you. There is no time pressure is there?

Original poster
JustAnotherLlama · 29/12/2012 23:59

Holly, it is difficult to explain. She says that she would always put her children first, but has chosen her dh over my wellbeing multiple times (various types of abuse which she's known about). If I make any mention of it then I am in the wrong, as long as I play happy families everything is fine.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 30/12/2012 00:01

what was so bad about this man? He lied about money, why did he do that?

Original poster
JustAnotherLlama · 30/12/2012 00:06

Zzz, he blew the money in a casino, if dm hadn't have stepped in I wouldn't have had anywhere to live. At the time I was in hospital after a traumatic birth. He was a complete Bastard about it then lied about having the deposit.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 30/12/2012 00:09

Oh love, they both sound bad for you.

ZZZenAgain · 30/12/2012 00:12

you have had a hard time of it. Don't think you would be better of with him. With a dc, you need a kind man, someone who works with you to get through things. I'm sorry things have been so difficult

Original poster
JustAnotherLlama · 30/12/2012 00:14

It's just a bit shit. I love my dm, even after everything. I still see her - and her dh - regularly, I'd feel lost without her. But at times I wonder how she can still be with him, especially now I have my own child.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 30/12/2012 00:16

did your dm's husband hurt you?

Original poster
JustAnotherLlama · 30/12/2012 00:17

People have worse times of it than me, i'm really not looking for (for want of a better word) pity. I just don't have anyone I can talk to about it. If you knew me you wouldn't have a clue that anything in my life had been less than perfect and that's how I like it.

OP posts: