Heartbroken and struggling to cope

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

That's just it really. DP and I have gone our seperate ways. He was perfect in the beginning .. Grew into aggressive, ill tempered and sometimes emotional abuser. It progressed into pushing me, bruises to boot etc. Yet after all this I didn't have the courage to leave. After a horrendous Christmas with MIL and my parents I cracked and told parents extent. Last night they helped me remove everything from our home together. His reaction was empty, infact he ran away.

I haven't eaten, I can't sleep, all I can think of is the love I have for him. I wish it could go , I feel like am in mourning. It goes against everything I believe in.

I am so lucky; everyone rallying round; all I want us to see him, smell him and kiss him. But he wanted to end the relationship; he blames me for awful MIL reaction to Christmas. I can't fathom out what to do. I want this man who never treated me right, I crave and desire him, against the best wishes if all friends and family.

I am really, really struggling.

Don't go back to heartbreak.

Have some time to enjoy being on your own and having 100% control over your life.

I cried so much over idiots and when DH came along I was WTF have I been doing mooning over idiots.

It will happen, just focus, eat and do something new every day.

You know what Chaos? :)

That I can't go back. But I want to, I want to. Shoot me!

Yup, gets worse before it gets better. Pkus you have Tuesday to get to and through and..whatever it may bring...

We're here darling. Just let it out.

Is that because you think it is the easy option?

It isn't though. It is just putting off the inevitable and making you go through this pain twice.

Come on chaos, new week, new you. Come Tuesday you will have news and which ever way it goes it means things will be different.

Because he's acknowledged eveything and has booked us couples and individual counselling (apparently). Am totally thrown by this?

Yes fabulous it would undoubtedly be the easy option, and oh how I'd love to have the old him back, my home, life, our friends.

I totally hear you about pain twice though.

I am scared of being alone and unwanted, partly how i feel

Try it.. Might work

But

You have to not see each other outside of ciunsellling sessions

Thats what I have read

Is that true justfab?

I don't have a clue. I've never had counselling within any relationship.

When I was 19 I was with someone who was 35 and I left him after he hit me. Later I took him back, purely because I didn't want to be alone. It didn't last long, fizzled out, waste of time.

When I was 22 I took back an ex - had left him as he hit me - and I was all over the place with feelings. I had always regretted not going back to a previous ex and did not want another what if/if only situation. In no time at all I knew I didn't even like him never mind love, though I told everyone it was better than ever. I finished it, shut the door after him and never looked back. I was . He kept ringing, send cards, eventually fucked off and left me alone. Didn't regret taking him back as I knew for certain then it was the right thing to do. TBH it would never have worked even without his violence as he didn't want marriage and I did. No idea about kids .

3 weeks later I met DH.

Everyone thought I was mad to take both of them back but my life.

I dumped the LOML so many times because people told me he was bad for me but they weren't there for me when I was heartbroken. Years and years later we looked for each other but too late, both married to other people.

You have to do what you want but do it for the right reasons, not because it is the easy option, you don't want to be alone, etc.

Do these stories ever have a happy ending? I am siding with fabulous who thinks am only delaying the inevitable , even though I want they man so much, he's so handsome and kind , when he's not an arse. Why the Jekyll and Hyde, why?

Well I had one sesipn of couple counselling and I.told him I.didn't love him.

It made me very.honest true to myself.

Go..is my advice.

But do.not be with him outside of sessions.

I do love him. I always stayed as I believed that he is a better person thsn the EA and PA.

I honestly believe in him so much, but aren't my family right? I can't go back

You can get a taste of what counselling might be like and finally see what he really feels but more importantly what you feel.

Some stories do have happy endings but you have to.stick.to the rules.

Oh man, it's such a roller coaster.

I am so embarassed

5 small word chaos---sorry but

Don't be so bloody stupid

Saying how he is better than the emotional abuse and passive agressiveness he dishes out reminds me of what I used to say about the guy I was with who didn't want marriage. (I am sorry if I have got what you meant by EA and PA wrong but I think my point ie relevant).

Living with him without the marriage I wanted was better than not having him at all. No no no. Wrong on many levels. I was kidding myself and I wasn't being true to myself about what I wanted from my relationship.

Your ex isn't better than the EA and PA. He is abusive. He acts abusively. He has done so since you left. He is bullying you now by arranging counselling without presumably discussing it with you first and he is bullying you by not leaving you alone as you asked.

You are embarrassed because you want to take him back?

It is your life, your choice but if you are sure it is what you want why rush? Give yourself some space from him. In a month you might be mrexwho? Just be careful and be honest with yourself.

Yep, too soon. Just give it a few weeks. But keep safe, enotionally, physically and mebtally outside osf sessions. This might be your wake up call. But for me my ex's abuse had already made up my.mind and I just needed to say it was over in a safe envoronment in the first five mins. I didn't realise I.was going to do.that.

Niw I would never allow myself to be abused. No.matter how subtle.

Thanks to individual tberapy which I think.you need x

He has to overcome the EA and PA. Rather like hurdles.
He has to jump them first.
He has to do it himself and want to do it for himself, and work out how to do it, and be committed to doing it. And not allow himself to be stopped by his mother etc.
A tall order.
You cannot do it for him. Or hang around 20 years in case he ever does, meanwhile getting battered and bruised in more ways than 1.

Chaos - you need to read this thread from the beginning.

he's so handsome and kind - you what? He may be handsome, I don't know - but kind? He pushes you, bruises you, indimidates you... he is not kind!!!

And as for handsome - so what? A nice personality is infinitely better than good looks. Are you saying you would take a goodlooking man over a loving one?

Sorry to be harsh, but looks are nothing. Watch 'shallow hal' - it's true (also schmaltzy and oversweet but the underlying premis is right)

Oh and you will not get a counsellor to consult you both (couples couselling) in cases of abuse. He should go to anger management training,and single counselling, if he is serious about getting back with you.

And you shuold insist he does, before even thinking about it.

Chaos, if you decide you are taking him back please don't just never come back to this thread. Lots of people have been supporting you and I think it is only good manners to let people know if you want this thread to finish.

Hi all. Am defo not taking him back, I went back to work today hence silence

Hi captainmummy, thanks for your post. I see it all in daylight today and am angry at his half attempts to do things, never followed through by actions.

Day 1 back and I've realised more than I could hope