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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been thinking.

142 replies

FrenchRuby · 28/12/2012 17:02

Hi I posted the other day about my dh hating the fact I'm close to my guy best friend.
If I'm honest it's all gone a bit down hill. I'm just going to write stuff down because its easier than keeping it all in my head.
He outright accused me of cheating on him. No evidence or reason to think this other than my friend texting me saying he was home from work (in the other thread I said about this, he was worried about falling asleep on the bus etc.... Very harmless jokey conversation). Anyway this hurt me more than I expected it to. It ruined Christmas for me, I couldn't look at him without feeling angry, I didn't want him near me or hugging me or anything. He sensed I was angry and said that he was leaving, he'd ruined christmas and he'd phone mil to tell her not to bother coming round. I told him not to be selfish, dd and ds were really looking forward to seeing mil. He said he didn't care and if they came round he would be going out. Then it changed to 'what do you want me to do? Leave or stay' I never said anything about going to him?! So this confused me, why was he making it all down to me?
I've been thinking about the past few years and everything all rolled into one just seems so wrong. When I went out for a night out I had a cigarette (I'd quit for 3 years because he didn't like it) I told him on my way home and he hung up, phoned back 2 mins later and said he'd taken 20 paracetamols and he wanted to die. I came home and found out that that was all a lie. I have no idea why he did this?
When I go out he bugs me about what time I'm coming home. It'll go something like this:
'Are you going to get the half 11 bus home?'
'Provably not that's quite early'
'Can you please just get that bus, I want to spend time with you before we go to bed' (baring in mind I go out on my own maybe once every two-three months)
He will phone and text throughout the whole time I am out to make sure I don't miss my bus, along with asking who's out, who I'm talking to and if any 'hot guys' have hit on me.
I will be honest and say that when he goes out I do ask what time roughly he'll be back, I never tell him a time and I don't mind what time he's back I just like to know if that makes sense? I don't phone him and just leave him to have fun.
He is a good husband and father, he is amazing with the kids, I can't fault him on that. He always tells me I'm pretty.
One thing he does do that really gets on my nerves is that he'll do something for me or buy me something, which is nice, but he'll go on and on about all the things he's bought me and done for me.

Anyway, I'm really sorry that's long but I had to write it down. I know everyone has complaints about their OH, I'm sure he has tons about me. I don't even think there's a point to my post, I just needed to get it out.

OP posts:
Allergictoironing · 01/01/2013 10:29

I get accused of over-analysing situations before they happen, but this might be a good time for you to do that. What aspect of his possible reaction worries you - anger, tears or his power to self-justify? Make sure you're prepared for all of these, then use your current irritation to take one of those openings he's given you to start the talking. Try to stay dispassionate too, or he will use your rage or tears against you!

Selks · 01/01/2013 10:44

Ruby that is such a shame that you couldn't speak to your friend because you were scared how your DP would react..that speaks volumes about the relationship don't you think?
Please don't lose your best friend over this. Maybe you could contact him to let him know why you had to blank him and that you still want to be friends.

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 01/01/2013 10:45

I don't want him to cry. That and I don't think he'll actually go, I think he'll refuse to leave. I don't have anywhere I can go either so I can't just leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrenchRuby · 01/01/2013 10:46

I text him today and he said that he didn't come and say hi because he didn't want to cause agro for me.

OP posts:
Allergictoironing · 01/01/2013 11:11

Remember he uses crying to manipulate you, same as the non-existant suicide attempts. He used his tears as a weapon, and deploys them to control you.

Re him refusing to leave, I'm afraid I don't know enough about the legal situation to be able to help - though I'm sure there are others here who could.
You should probably contact Womens Aid for advice on this, they can tell you about your rights & what you can claim etc. EA is a valid enough reason to be leaving him, and they will be understanding.

Allergictoironing · 01/01/2013 11:11

Oh and Wine for your best frirnd, for being such a nice understanding guy!

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 01/01/2013 11:17

Remember that you don't need his permission to end the marriage. You do not owe him the rest of your life. It's OK to dump a partner. If it hurts the person, tough shit, s/he will get over it. Your feelings are just as important as his, and in your case, your right to be free and live your own life completely overrides his need to own you as though you were a pet or a household appliance.
Best of luck in getting rid. Depending on the housing situation, you can either leave or buy him out or (ultimately) force him out to the extent that you can get the police to come and physically remove him. It hopefully won't come to that, but you are not powerless and you do not have to stay with him.

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 01/01/2013 11:59

He has phoned 3 times today saying he's going to buy me a present, then when I said not to he phoned and told me I was being weird because I didn't want a present. I feel a bit suffocated. I'm going to try and talk to him tonight.

OP posts:
ErikNorseman · 01/01/2013 12:48

He's panicking because he senses you pulling away. Be prepared for him to bring out the big guns when you talk - tears, self harm, suicide threats, the works.

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 01/01/2013 12:53

He's jut phoned an had a go at me for being weird and not letting him buy his wife a present. I feel really sick. I'm sure that we're going to have it out tonight :(

OP posts:
tribpot · 01/01/2013 13:00

Probably best you do have it out. But not a pleasant conversation - and Erik is right to be expect him to dig deep into the bag of tricks to see what it might take if you're serious about separating. He thinks all he needs to keep you in line is constant emotional pressure. Whether 'good' (presents that you don't want) or 'bad' (texting you constantly when you're out).

You will have to be hard, but you can't go on living like this.

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 01/01/2013 13:03

He keeps asking me what's wrong but I don't want to do this over text or phone but he won't stop asking:(

OP posts:
glastocat · 01/01/2013 13:12

Stay strong and bin the loser. He sounds awful.

freeandhappy · 01/01/2013 13:20

I would say you don't need to talk to him. Keep doing what you are doing ie detatching and not engaging. You sound like you are getting clearer minded all the time. Happy new year. Hope it's a great one for you. You are NOT responsible for his happiness. You are responsible for your happiness. When you are in his side you can't be on your own side as he is only about himself. So that's two people making sure e I ok and NO ONE looking out for you. You deserve to be love and honored and if your husband is not doing that then you must love and honor yourself.

freeandhappy · 01/01/2013 13:21

e I = he is

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 01/01/2013 13:47

He made me tell him over the phone :( he's saying he can't live without me, I feel sick and horrible :(

OP posts:
StuffezLaBouche · 01/01/2013 13:50

NO! Do not get sucked in. You HAVE done the right thing. Are you ok?

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 01/01/2013 13:52

No :( he's saying he can't do it. Then he said that he'll have the kids. I don't know how to get it through to him that I'm
Unhappy and I want him I leave :(

OP posts:
StuffezLaBouche · 01/01/2013 13:54

Right - are you renting? Whose name is on the agreement? Brace yourself for the shit he will inevitably hurl at you - you're shagging you mate, how could you do this when he's been so lovely, etc etc. Do you have family near by?

tribpot · 01/01/2013 13:55

How he feels is up to him. You aren't responsible for him and his actions.

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 01/01/2013 13:56

I have noone :( my name is on the tenancy.
He's just not accepting it.

OP posts:
tribpot · 01/01/2013 14:00

You said above he makes arguing hard. So don't do it. You've made your decision, you know from past experience that it will descend into a guilt trip if you try and discuss it with him rationally.

Are you both on the tenancy? One of you has to move out.

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 01/01/2013 14:02

Just me.
He's pleading and begging. I feel like shit :'(

OP posts:
StuffezLaBouche · 01/01/2013 14:04

Don't feel like shit, seriously.
You just need the strength and resolve to get him out. He has to leave if your name's on the agreement. Please dont be manipulated.

Allergictoironing · 01/01/2013 14:07

Of course he's pleading & begging - where else will he find a complacent partner who will put up with his emotional abuse and be controlled?

He's spent goodness knows how long making your life pretty miserable, he has earned being kicked out. Ignore his pleading & begging, the same way he ignored your happiness for so long.

Keep re-reading the thread to remind yourself of all the times he's manipulated you in the past in this or similar ways, and how so many posters here have shown you that it's just part of the standard script of an abuser.