I've been thinking.

[FrenchRuby]

Hi I posted the other day about my dh hating the fact I'm close to my guy best friend.
If I'm honest it's all gone a bit down hill. I'm just going to write stuff down because its easier than keeping it all in my head.
He outright accused me of cheating on him. No evidence or reason to think this other than my friend texting me saying he was home from work (in the other thread I said about this, he was worried about falling asleep on the bus etc.... Very harmless jokey conversation). Anyway this hurt me more than I expected it to. It ruined Christmas for me, I couldn't look at him without feeling angry, I didn't want him near me or hugging me or anything. He sensed I was angry and said that he was leaving, he'd ruined christmas and he'd phone mil to tell her not to bother coming round. I told him not to be selfish, dd and ds were really looking forward to seeing mil. He said he didn't care and if they came round he would be going out. Then it changed to 'what do you want me to do? Leave or stay' I never said anything about going to him?! So this confused me, why was he making it all down to me?
I've been thinking about the past few years and everything all rolled into one just seems so wrong. When I went out for a night out I had a cigarette (I'd quit for 3 years because he didn't like it) I told him on my way home and he hung up, phoned back 2 mins later and said he'd taken 20 paracetamols and he wanted to die. I came home and found out that that was all a lie. I have no idea why he did this?
When I go out he bugs me about what time I'm coming home. It'll go something like this:
'Are you going to get the half 11 bus home?'
'Provably not that's quite early'
'Can you please just get that bus, I want to spend time with you before we go to bed' (baring in mind I go out on my own maybe once every two-three months)
He will phone and text throughout the whole time I am out to make sure I don't miss my bus, along with asking who's out, who I'm talking to and if any 'hot guys' have hit on me.
I will be honest and say that when he goes out I do ask what time roughly he'll be back, I never tell him a time and I don't mind what time he's back I just like to know if that makes sense? I don't phone him and just leave him to have fun.
He is a good husband and father, he is amazing with the kids, I can't fault him on that. He always tells me I'm pretty.
One thing he does do that really gets on my nerves is that he'll do something for me or buy me something, which is nice, but he'll go on and on about all the things he's bought me and done for me.

Anyway, I'm really sorry that's long but I had to write it down. I know everyone has complaints about their OH, I'm sure he has tons about me. I don't even think there's a point to my post, I just needed to get it out.

You don't need to bring anything up if you want out. You just tell him, you don't need his permission.

He will tell you you can't cope without him, you need him. You don't.
He will make you feel ungrateful because he's been there for you through XYZ and this is how you repay him....blah blah.

He will say "this is because of (your male friend) isnt it? I knew you were shagging him" etc.

Oooh yes Stuffez, forgot those.

Oh and that you're lucky to have him as no-one else will want you. This despite him getting jealous fits & not trusting you with any other men around, funny how they never see the contradiction in this

Oh and a threatened suicide too, he has previous on that one doesn't he?

He doesn't trust you, wants to isolate you, is insanely jealous and has smashed your confidence in yourself as a consequence. He presumably knows your history, knows your fear of being along, sees you as vulnerable (maybe even selected you for that reason) and is exploiting your insecurity so that he's fully in control.

I'm not going to tell you to leave but experience tells me that people like this usually get worse rather than better. If they can't control you mentally, they'll have a go at doing it physically.

He will become hangdog, unkempt, stop taking care of himself, say he is destroyed, that all he ever wanted was to love you

He will become "depressed" and forget to wash. He will get the gp to ssign him off work and be unable to function without you

All of these manipulations are not a reason to stay, they are a reason to go. And because of them, you must disengage and stop looking at everything from his pov

He has threatened suicide/self harm before, he has cut himself when I've not done something he wanted before (I think it was when I had a cigarette when I was out with him). He will blame it all on best friend, I can bet on it. I expect him to do all of the things you said, apart from saying I can't cope without him, he always makes himself out to be the weaker one out of us both.
My problem is that I will feel so guilty that I'll give him more chances :( it's me that's the weak one.

Don't feel guilt, YOU aren't the one doing any of these things to him, HE is. And he is doing them for one reason only - not that he loves you, but because he knows he can control you that way.

You're not weak. However, he has set out to systematically screw you up, crush your spirit and make you believe that you are dependent upon him... that you couldn't do any better. It's very, very common and often gets going in earnest after the arrival of the first child.

Men like this are often very attractive to someone who is looking for security and love because they can be quite OTT to begin with.... declaring love quickly, wanting to move in together, easily upset if he thinks he might lose you... and it's easy to mistake this kind of stuff for passion. Once they have you roped in and the cage door shut, it flips over into a kind of obsession which is really suffocating and unhealthy.

So you're not weak... but you will be less strong the longer you stick around this man and keep buying his crap...

This is emotional abuse (or as Women's aid would call it - Domestic Violence). Separating you from your friends? Lying about attempting suicide? Over a cigarette?!?!?!? Not giving you privacy? Stalking you on a night out? Throwing is oh-so-very-shallow expressions of love in your face when you don't conform to HIS way of thinking, being and doing?

When are you leaving?

This is the third potentially "suicidal" man I have read about in a matter of minutes.

Is there an epidemic of inadequate losers at the moment, All spitting the dummy out because they are not getting their own way?

*You're not weak. However, he has set out to systematically screw you up, crush your spirit and make you believe that you are dependent upon him... that you couldn't do any better. It's very, very common and often gets going in earnest after the arrival of the first child. "

Oh Cogit - that's right about when my own abuser started...after the birth of our first child.

Bearing a child makes a woman a bit more vulnerable & dependent than they were previously. Women with children will often think they have to try to 'stay together for the sake of the kids' or that they won't be able to cope alone and that can make them more tolerant of behaviour that they wouldn't have stood for previously. A normal man won't take advantage of this whereas an abusive man sees it as a big opportunity to stamp his authority on a woman..... Shocking but common.

I feel really nervous :/ I was just sat last night thinking about it all.
I refuse to do this over my birthday though, I've not had a good history with birthdays (my birth mum told me I was being put in foster care on my tenth birthday, the baby I mc'ed was due on my birthday, it's like a magnet for bad things to happen) so I'm going to wait till after New Years.

Wait a little before telling him it's over by all means but maybe spend the time between then and now doing a bit of preparation and research to make it an easier transition. Big changes to life are always daunting so no need to add to that fear by acting without information. Places like solicitors, Womens Aid, CAB, the www.turn2us.org.uk benefits checker can all give you information that could stop the next phase of your life starting off as a major trauma.

'Knowledge is power'

Thanks I will do that :)

Please please get rid of this abusive arsehole!

You are worth so much more.

Yes i second that, knowledge is power. Clear your history and make sure he cant see what youve been upto. Prepare prepare and prepare.

Honestly, coming out the other side of it, is amazing. Yes i ended up financially shafted but thats a small price to pay for my freedom and the rest of my life. When you find a man that loves you and lets you and more importantly encourages you to fly its incredible.
Good luck, it will be shite (let his parents deal with the suicide threats etc) but so so so worth it. Your young and youve your life in front of you to make your own. xxxx

he is so horribly controlling.
He can still be a great dad even if you seperate, and as grandmother to your kids there is no reason at all why you cannot continue to have a good relationship with your MIL.
Its often better financially to go to Uni as a single parent, you will be entitled to benefits and grants which you would not have before. And I dont believe he will actually let you go if you were with him - or he would make it so much trouble that you wouldnt be able to immerse yourself in the course the way you should - he will have your timetable up on the wall, and any time you are not at home will be questioned - the friends will be suspicious, and study time in the library wont be believed. Or he will text /call when you are in lectures.
If he threatens suicide I think the standard MN response is to call the emergency services and let them deal with it - if he is bluffing he will be too embarrassed to pull that stunt again after they give him a bollocking for wasting their time, and if he is seriousthen he needs some professional psychiatric help, which an admission to hospital will fast track him onto. And best of all, the responsibility is out of your hands.
He will go through the full gamut of human emotions to try to get you back, from weeping and wailing, promising the earth, buying you stuff, swearing love and adoration, to threats, anger, bitterness, nastyness, refusing to see the kids to hurt you, threatening to take the kids/that you are an unfit mother. Just be ready for them all, and if it gets too much see a solicitor and demand all correspondance to be through a 3rd party.
Keep all emails/texts because if he starts to get threatening or wont stop ringing you will need evidence that he is harrassing you, and that can easily be stopped. also threats of suicide need recording as may prove useful when he tries to claim you as unfit or threatens to go for full custody. (he wont want it, but will probably threaten it)

It's been really weird the past few days. On my birthday my friend said she was having problems with her dh and on the way out my dh was like 'that's not us is it?' I knew I should have said something then but I didn't want to ruin my birthday. Sine then he's been so sickly sweet it's getting annoying. He keeps talking about us moving (we were meant to be moving into MILs next October to start saving for a house) and I just don't want to talk about it but when I say that he keeps saying things like 'why don't you want to talk to me?' I know it's bad and I should talk to him but I just can't bring myself to.
I started redecorating the bathroom yesterday, a colour I wanted (really dark purple, looks really nice btw!) and he was like 'why are you doing that? We're moving out soon?' That would have been a good opertunity but I still didn't say anything.
I wanted to do the bathroom by myself, I just wanted a few hours where I could be alone but he insisted for the last hour on sitting in there and talking about New Years resolutions and us moving out and what we were going to decorate our new house like and I just didn't want to talk about it, it was really awkward and I just wanted to get on with my painting. He keeps trying to hug me all the time and I don't want him to, I know I need to say something but I just can't bring myself to.
And the wort thing was yesterday when we were on the way back from town best friend got on the bus (dh didn't notice him, I was sat at the back of the bus with ds, dh at the front with dd) and instead of going to sit next to best friend and having a chat, like most people would, I just shook my head at best friend like 'don't come over' because I couldn't be bothered with the hassle of dh getting annoyed, that's not the right reaction to have when you see your best friend.

You know that you do really need to talk to him FrenchRuby. He's clearly realised that you are emotionally disengaging from him and he's trying to draw you back in. Read all the other EA threads - going super-sweet after an EA incident is part of the script.

Try to think about why you are so reluctant to talk to him about things.

Is it fear of what he might say? Hopefully his words have less power to hurt you now.
Is it fear that he might hurt you physically? I don't get the impression that's in your mind.
Is it fear of what he might to to himself, after his previous suicide threats? Hopefully you've realised that all they are is threats, designed to bring you back in line.
Is it fear of any confrontation at all? He's conditioned you to not confront him in any way, but if you can't now then when can you?
Is it fear of the future on your own without that backup of another person you can rely on?
Is it fear of being a failure, that you haven't managed to save your marriage?
Is it fear that you won't get anyone else if you end things with him?
Is it fear that you may be making a mistake & will regret it later?

Note that all the reasons I've listed start with "fear", I don't mean shaking & terrified, just apprehension or concern. Another possible reason is that you don't want to be the one to do the dirty deed and are hoping that he'll be the one to make that decision and that way he'll be the one to "blame".

Or might it be that you know he'll try to justify his past behaviour, at the same time promise to be better, and manage to talk you into staying. Then all will be fine for a couple of months until it all starts up again.

I think it's all of those things (apart from him being violent, he has never been aggressive or violent). I don't want to break his heart, I don't want to be that person :(

You might want to take each of the possible reasons I've listed, and any more you can think of, and tackle each one in your mind. Think it through as thoroughly as you can, use the comments in this threads and others where people are in a similar situation to help clarify why you have that particular fear.

An example would be the suicide threats - here & other threads so many people have said how unlikely it is that he would follow through, and he's got previous to show you that he doesn't really mean it and just says it to bring you back in line.

If you can reduce the number of reasons to NOT talk to him, you may finally get to that place where you can. And be in no doubt you do need to talk to him, or things will just get worse. If you are determined to leave him, you can't without telling him unless you suddenly pack up & leave & I very much doubt you want to do that. And if you have any thoughts of saving your marriage that can't happen until you talk to him.

I think I'm most worried about how he'll react. He is being so full on atm, it's just making me really irritated.