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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been thinking.

142 replies

FrenchRuby · 28/12/2012 17:02

Hi I posted the other day about my dh hating the fact I'm close to my guy best friend.
If I'm honest it's all gone a bit down hill. I'm just going to write stuff down because its easier than keeping it all in my head.
He outright accused me of cheating on him. No evidence or reason to think this other than my friend texting me saying he was home from work (in the other thread I said about this, he was worried about falling asleep on the bus etc.... Very harmless jokey conversation). Anyway this hurt me more than I expected it to. It ruined Christmas for me, I couldn't look at him without feeling angry, I didn't want him near me or hugging me or anything. He sensed I was angry and said that he was leaving, he'd ruined christmas and he'd phone mil to tell her not to bother coming round. I told him not to be selfish, dd and ds were really looking forward to seeing mil. He said he didn't care and if they came round he would be going out. Then it changed to 'what do you want me to do? Leave or stay' I never said anything about going to him?! So this confused me, why was he making it all down to me?
I've been thinking about the past few years and everything all rolled into one just seems so wrong. When I went out for a night out I had a cigarette (I'd quit for 3 years because he didn't like it) I told him on my way home and he hung up, phoned back 2 mins later and said he'd taken 20 paracetamols and he wanted to die. I came home and found out that that was all a lie. I have no idea why he did this?
When I go out he bugs me about what time I'm coming home. It'll go something like this:
'Are you going to get the half 11 bus home?'
'Provably not that's quite early'
'Can you please just get that bus, I want to spend time with you before we go to bed' (baring in mind I go out on my own maybe once every two-three months)
He will phone and text throughout the whole time I am out to make sure I don't miss my bus, along with asking who's out, who I'm talking to and if any 'hot guys' have hit on me.
I will be honest and say that when he goes out I do ask what time roughly he'll be back, I never tell him a time and I don't mind what time he's back I just like to know if that makes sense? I don't phone him and just leave him to have fun.
He is a good husband and father, he is amazing with the kids, I can't fault him on that. He always tells me I'm pretty.
One thing he does do that really gets on my nerves is that he'll do something for me or buy me something, which is nice, but he'll go on and on about all the things he's bought me and done for me.

Anyway, I'm really sorry that's long but I had to write it down. I know everyone has complaints about their OH, I'm sure he has tons about me. I don't even think there's a point to my post, I just needed to get it out.

OP posts:
AnnoyedAtWork · 28/12/2012 17:53

Read the thread about red flags!

This man will not change sorry. Best hope is if you get relationship counselling. You need to realise that his controlling behaviour is not ok and not normal.

Hope you find the strength to change something that you CAN change. I was in a relationship like this for 2 years (accused of cheating, trying to control me going out, isolating me from friends) and through couples counselling and also sessions on my own I realised how crazy the behaviour was and that I was free to leave if I wanted.

StuffezLaBouche · 28/12/2012 17:55

Can I ask how old you are, OP?
Even if you're temporarily alone, does not mean you would be for the rest of your life. And honestly, I do query how people can be at peace with themselves when they hate their own company to the extent they'd rather be abused by some wanker than be alone.
Would you be happy getting to 50, 70, 80 knowing you wasted your whole life with this man who treats you like an insubordinate dog?

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 28/12/2012 17:58

I'm 24. I don't want to go all 'psychology' on myself but I'm fairly sure that I don't want to be alone because I've pretty much been alone my whole childhood, grew up in foster care, moved about a lot, met dh when I was 18, he's been my only constant person since.

OP posts:
sudaname · 28/12/2012 17:59

My dd has just left such a man and as a result of living with him for 15 years and despite her friendly caring nature she has no friends - apart from me obviously, he always managed to isolate anyone who came close - cant drive - again down to him always putting kybosh on it to keep her totally dependant on him imo.

Sound like your Christmas future ?

mcmooncup · 28/12/2012 18:00

You sort of are alone already. You certainly do not have a partner who has your best interests at heart, and who looks after you. It is not a genuine loving relationship.

sudaname · 28/12/2012 18:02

Oh and forgot to mention no workplace skills except cleaning as there was always a reason why she had to leave college or couldnt go in the first place.

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 28/12/2012 18:03

He has been really supportive about me applying for uni this year.
I do feel really lonely most of the time though :(

OP posts:
StuffezLaBouche · 28/12/2012 18:04

The circumstances of your upbringing are obviously affecting the choices you're making now. :(

I cannot claim to have the first clue to start helping you see that constant does not equal good. I have worked in several school though and have seen children grow up in similar circs to yours (from what you've said) who lied, lied and lied to stay with parents who were abusing them because the parents were their "constants." It's chilling.

As I say, I am no psychologist but just remember: You have done nothing wrong by having a male friend - many normal people have platonic friends of the opposite sex. Also, you CAN be alone. You do not need him to function in the world.

How would he react if you told him it was over?

mcmooncup · 28/12/2012 18:05

I think it is brilliant that at 24 you are recognising this behaviour as being wrong.

It took me until I was 35 Blush

Just keep talking, keep reading, keep educating yourself......
You say you don't want to talk about 'your psychology', yet I think you also know there is a possibly a connection between the results you have had from previous relationships (e.g. parents) and the expectations of current relationships.

You know you don't have to put up with this, you know it is wrong, just keep going on that theme. You will get out, and you will be happy. You could have a happy future ahead of you if you start to take the control back.

TurnipCake · 28/12/2012 18:05

French, I can understand you wanting stability based on that, I think anyone would, but the life your living is not indicative of a stable and loving relationship.

I remember when I was 24 and in a miserable relationship, I was crying on the sofa of a friend who I didn't actually know that we'll, but she was kind and that was the time I chose to cry. I said I was scared I would be alone for the rest of my life and she said, "That is just bullshit" and she was right! I had more people approach me the year after I dumped my ex than I ever had because I radiated happiness. And as others have said, having time to yourself is not the worst thing in the world, have a read of the single thread

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 28/12/2012 18:08

If I told him it was over he would cry and probably threaten to do something stupid to himself.
He'd say he'll quit his job (he's said this before when we've had arguments becaus he knows because I don't work we rely on him).

OP posts:
Original poster
FrenchRuby · 28/12/2012 18:09

Thanks for all your advice btw, I honestly am taking it all in. I just feel a bit helpless at the moment and I hate myself for that :(

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 28/12/2012 18:11

If he choses to do something stupid to himself, that is not your problem.

You cannot be forced to stay in a relationship because of this threat - do you see how this is working for him?

You have the right to walk away at any time.

StuffezLaBouche · 28/12/2012 18:14

You're not his keeper though - he may threaten these things, he may do them, but that's his choice. Nothing to do with you.
If he quits his job, fine. That wouldn't matter to you as you would have no ties on him.

Every day, can you do one little thing that reminds you that you are an individual with potential. Maybe day one - look on the jobcentre website, think what you'd be good at. Day two, look on Rightmove or something - look what decent properties you could aim towards. Etc etc.

I'm so aware that I'm only a couple of years older than you and have no right to be "lecturing" but it's the saddest thing to read posts from an obviously intelligent woman being abused and kept in a horrible relationship.

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 28/12/2012 18:14

I know. I think I'm worried about what MIL will think and his family. I get on really well with all of them. I will lose a lot of people, most of my friends are his friend and family.

OP posts:
StuffezLaBouche · 28/12/2012 18:14

you're NOT helpless - of course this is a lot to take in. It's a whole new way of thinking! Just keep reading, reading and thinking.

TurnipCake · 28/12/2012 18:16

Be kind to yourself, as someone else said, it's no easy thing to wake up to. It took me almost a year after I had left an abusive relationship to realise it was abustive

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 28/12/2012 18:16

Ruby, have a chat to WOmen's AId. Your partner is abusive and he's going to get worse. Being alone would be a lot better than living with him, because he is a horrible, inadequate human being. He will start harming your children fairly soon - not necessarily physically, but by manipulating them to feed his ego, and trying to make them side with him against you. This is very bad for children.

Also, whatever you do to try and appease a jealous controller, it's not enough. Not ever. He will progress to controlling what you wear - perhaps to the extent of destroying items of clothing he disapproves of. He may 'accidentally' damage communication devices or take them from you. He may make it impossible for you to leave the house - some men like this lock their partners in.

TeaAndTinselMakeChristmasShine · 28/12/2012 18:22

Being by yourself after living a life treading on eggshells is the most wonderful feeling ever.

Imagine being able to miss that bus and having to worry about getting home rather than worrying about what he has to say about it.

It took me until my mid-30s to act and leave and by then I hadn't been out by myself for 6 years because it was just too much hassle. I wish I done something about it in my 20s. It is my only regret in life.

You will thrive and the decisions you make will be right for your DC rather than based around this man.

JustFabulous · 28/12/2012 18:22

He isn't the only man in the world.

He is just the only one making you unhappy at the moment.

Get rid, have some time for yourself. Let yourself be found by a decent man.

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 28/12/2012 18:26

If I leave what do I do about money? I have no job. A uni interview in feb, I probably couldn't afford to do that. I have about £2000 of debt in my name although around half of that is stuff he's bought.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 28/12/2012 18:28

You need counselling to overcome childhood expereiences which have made you emotionally needy and, as such, a prime target for abusive males such as your h.

You're an adult now with all the rights and entitlements and responsibility that entails, and reaking free of your abusive twunt of an h does not mean that you'll be transported back to the past when you were a powerless child, honey.

As you've got dc of your on to care about it's going to be a very long time, if ever, that you'll be on your own - even when chicks fly the nest they return time and again.

TeaAndTinselMakeChristmasShine · 28/12/2012 18:33

If you have a good enough "profile" and "get up and go" for a uni interview you can get a job if you need.

Go for the interview and research what help you'll get to study. You might be able to manage it.

Don't let any more debt be built up in your name. Whilst you're working out what to do can you get some of the debt paid off?

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 28/12/2012 18:43

I'm working off paying everything atm, dh pays for his stuff that's in my name but I'm worried he'd stop if we broke up, I definitely couldn't manage it on my own monthly I don't think.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 28/12/2012 19:18

you have debt in your name run up by him ?

another red flag

he is financially abusive too

he is supportive of your Uni application because he has twigged it will make you even more dependent on him

my advice ?

defer the Uni for a year...get yourself and your kids away from him, before you have nothing of yourself left

you think I am being overdramatic ? (any lurkers think that, too ?)...well, I'm not. What your inner voice is telling you now is that this is not acceptable in a partner. Give it a few more months, you get tied up with Uni work and running yourself ragged looking after the kids as well as pandering to this inadequate fuck...you will no longer know your arse from your elbow.

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