Dating - where am i going wrong and do i just resign myself to being alone.

[notsuchaspringchicken]

Having just spent my 5th christmas on my own, being on my own forever seems more and more likely.

Im 34. Im divorced and have one child. I work, if part time. I have interests and hobbies and am not unattractive, if on the curvey side.

I go out, though its more meals and activities than clubbing, which i hate. I have not had one sniff of interest from any man in the 5 years ive been single.

Ive done online dating for years and never got anywhere with that either.
Having had a break from it i signed up to several sites yesterday, and ive had no messages, not even from the free sites where its known for being a bit of a meat market, where a while back i was beating them off with a stick. Any views i have had have been from men over 40 who look like there are actually closer to 50. Its depressing.

I dont understand where im going wrong and how come i seem to be so unattractive to men. A new girl started at work, shes not pretty, but is thin. And is just 20. Within 2 days she had been asked out by 4 men. I dont get if its my age, or the fact im a size 16, or am a lone parent? or just not what men want????

missing - yep.
ive lived abroad in two different countries, for 4 years...

i dont really have anything in common with someone who is 35 and living at home with their mum cooking them chicken nuggets for dinner. which is sadly more common than you might think.

Probably the type of man id get on with does not frequent dating sites. but im stuck in a bit of a situation where meeting new men is hard and its almost the only option right now.

What about volunteering (so flexible and not too intrusive on your time) on the every other weekend you get free? Something that interests you, obviously, so you'll enjoy it anyway, and ideally somewhere you could meet other volunteers and the public. A theatre, an attraction, charity events, the National Trust or similar?

And I empathise with being the weird independent oddity at the school gates. It still seems to freak plenty of people out that women can just get on with doing things by themselves without a man (or anyone else) to give them permission or be there to do the bloody driving. People often seem to find it either weird or intimidating, or both. I have no idea why. Going to the pictures on your own is hardly climbing Everest.

i didnt even realise, until recently that i was that unusual. Its just been pointed out quite a lot in the last few years or so.

I find it very weird when people say they'd have liked to have done something/gone somewhere/seen a film or play etc but they couldn't because their husband or partner didn't want to. If I suggest they could just go anyway - on their own! - they look at me as if I've got two heads.

i know minnie - it confuses me. One said to me she doesnt leave the town..... weird. ho hum. Mind you, shes married and im not, so....... ???

I could do some national trust work on something... i did one of their ' working holidays' when i was younger, a contradiction in terms, but lots of fun. I am an english heritage member too... so maybe something with that?

Ill become a weird leafy, historian, and segerate myself even more from everyone else. lol
:)
great plan.
:)

Then dating site are prob not the right way to go because you won't be finding the right person on there anyway.

Where do you live? Would you be able to get closer to a more 'multicultural' area? Perhaps have a look at place where 'foreigners' meet up, a 'language cafe' (Not sure how to call them, but they are people speaking another language who meet up just for the pleasure of having a chat in that language).

Seeing that I am finding it hard enough to make friends in that context, I can see how hard it would be to find a decent partner....

Sorry how do you view the OP's profile?

This may sound random but when you are messaging people on dating sites make sure your spelling and grammar is correct. When I was online dating I ruled out anyone who had poor spelling / grammar or used 'text speak' as it makes you sound stupid if you are over 16 years of age (in my opinion).

OP have you tried Guardian Soulmates? That seems to be full of people who have travelled lots/lived abroad. it's also persuaded me that the other type of man single in his 30s is one whose still trying to make it as a photographer/actor/novelist/comic book writer/comedian etc.

Maybe OD isn't for you although I'm not sure who it is right for. Are you political at all, maybe joining the local branch of a party, or some other group? Book clubs?

I really feel for you, it shouldn't be this hard but it does sound like you're looking for a needle in a chicken nugget munching haystack.

croccy - ive hidden it now... :) sorry.

yes, i do discount for that, not typos or crap typing like i do... there is a difference. ( i dont proof read either) but text speak, yes. though up thread i was told i was ridiclous for doing so an dneeded to get a grip.

Croccy we've covered text speak. Apparently filtering out those who don't bother to string a sentence together is one of the many ways that the OP is being too fussy/snobby.

i think the guardian has about 3 men on it in my area. ive looked :)

How far are you from London? I've found a lot of men claim they live in London when they're actually just prepared to travel there or spend a bit of time there. I find it a bit annoying to be honest because I'm lazy and don't want to commute for a shag but if you're quite close and comfortable with it it might be worth a bit of fibbing?

Are you smiling in your profile picture? I had a look at a few womens profiles on guardian Soulmates and it was hard to see if they were attractive/nice people because they were all pulling strange faces trying to look either cool or maybe enigmatic or raunchy - not sure quite which but very strange. In one of the 100 quotes for the new year on Graham Nortons page in the telegraph yesterday was one to the effect of "if you want a happy marriage marry a happy person" perhaps a nice smile is the way to go.

Sounds like you pack a lot of interesting stuff in your life. But I can't think these things are very conducive to meeting people properly. For that you need places you can talk.

Lots of good suggestions already and off the top of my head: clubs (birdwatching, rambling, nature walks etc rather than sporty clubs) and evening courses, trying to avoid obviously female biased things like cake making - furniture making, cookery classes for singles (do they even exist???), wine tasting courses...Other things: salsa evenings at the local wine bar (probably have to hang out around the bar though!), getting involved somehow with the local art-house cinema/bar (always populated with interesting people), universities are great for interesting people (not the students so much as the academics) - at my last uni there was a lovely art centre which had events the public could go to. Final suggestion came from my DH: get your kids involved in something like football or taekwondo were you go regularly and you may meet single dads cheering on their little ones. Just an idea .

That's true - enroll your dd in footy - she does not get a say in this - and turn up every Sunday.

As someone (33 yr old man) looking for pretty similar things as you are in a partner (interesting and intelligent would be a good start), I think you should focus on this, and don't give unsuitable men a 2nd thought.

Where you get saddos chowing down on chicken nuggets at mum's, I get women (too) fresh from dysfunctional relationships with nothing in common with me aside from us both being single.

Its not their fault that their unsuitable or that i'm single, so I politely move on and concentrate on what I want.

Just how rural are you? It sounds as though you're doing plenty right, but if the only men in reach are country hicks with limited life experience then you're unlikely to find anyone suitable.

Again, good luck. Its a jungle out there.

Spring I think you may have something with the life experience thing. I recently asked a couple of people to review my profile and one fed back that I seemed a little too full on, with the things that I liked and did. The trouble is, I had already toned it down.

Why don't you two get together

That's to Bunnykelly and OP.

My sons have done football (for 10 years), cricket, golf, ju-jitsu. There are no single parents other than me!

I thought that too googlenut

Well now that you mention it... would insert smilie if I knew how

As long as Bunnykelly is not a hairy trucker

Hairy truckers might be the way to go...

Sod NotSuchaSpringChicken, ya snooze ya lose.....Hi Bunny!!!(Ike flutters non extended eyelashes at Bunny)