Dating - where am i going wrong and do i just resign myself to being alone.

[notsuchaspringchicken]

Having just spent my 5th christmas on my own, being on my own forever seems more and more likely.

Im 34. Im divorced and have one child. I work, if part time. I have interests and hobbies and am not unattractive, if on the curvey side.

I go out, though its more meals and activities than clubbing, which i hate. I have not had one sniff of interest from any man in the 5 years ive been single.

Ive done online dating for years and never got anywhere with that either.
Having had a break from it i signed up to several sites yesterday, and ive had no messages, not even from the free sites where its known for being a bit of a meat market, where a while back i was beating them off with a stick. Any views i have had have been from men over 40 who look like there are actually closer to 50. Its depressing.

I dont understand where im going wrong and how come i seem to be so unattractive to men. A new girl started at work, shes not pretty, but is thin. And is just 20. Within 2 days she had been asked out by 4 men. I dont get if its my age, or the fact im a size 16, or am a lone parent? or just not what men want????

Bunny - i do agree, i dont think online is going to work. My plan is to get out there more and see what happens. difficult, but not impossible.

wish you all the best too.

sorry chicken but I have to defend voices point - yes, these blokes wanted to meet a woman - but there are thousands of them. I want to meet a woman who's great for me, but having looked through the profiles online, I want to meet Katie, because she's attractive and quirky and likes making cosmopolitans, then maybe if that doesn't work out I'd like to meet Sarah, who has a big dog and two young kids and regularly talks about politics and does a bad impression of Tony Blair when drunk.

So I go from wanting to meet any woman, to one who sounds interesting (those two were made up, btw) - I don't want to meet Sue, who is lonely this christmas and doesn't want to be hurt again. That's all I know about her, and I don't really want to solve her problems, even though she's 'a woman' I fancy the attractive interesting ones, meet those who I get on with, but I'm careful to screen out the ones who seem needy or boring or who like quoting cliches in their profile. I haven't seen your profile but I daresay it's interesting enough to get men interested in you, not just a random woman. Or if you need, to, talk to them more beforehand to make sure it's you they want to meet.

I'm going to go and whiten my teeth :)

at OldMinnieC's list!!!

MissBoPeep it's a while since I did probabilities but I'm pretty sure your maths is wrong. If the chances of one person fancying and liking another are 1 in 10, the odds of them mutually liking and fancying each other are not 1:20 but 1:100! We may as well all give up now

Men (and women) who are looking for a relationship want to meet someone who's interesting, and possibly right for them etc.

But the ones who don't want a relationship, who are just after sex, or a date, or just email chitchat (lots of those, who vanish into the ether once a date is suggested) aren't putting that much thought into it, and on the whole you can't tell before a date.

I had a date in the summer. We text, we spoke lots on the phone beforehand. We then had one date, and the next morning I got a text saying 'I can't see you again, I'm not ready for a commitment'.

I suspect it was all BS, he never wanted a girlfriend, or a relationship. He either wanted sex (he didn't get it), or to prove to himself he could still get dates, or whatever. There was nothing to suggest that was the case beforehand. But there are a lot of people OD who are like this.

And the idea of wading through 100 of these idiots (Holla I agree with your maths) to find ONE that I might have a chance of a relationship with is seriously depressing...

Actually OP: Congratulations! You are too smart and too sorted to accept any old knobber. Being single is much better for women, in general, than being in a relationship unless that relationship is spectcatularly good. It's well worth remaining single unlessuntil a magnificently suitable man appears. All this advice to simper, paint yourself orange and put on uncomfortable shoes would only net you a man who isn't worth having in the first place.

60, 100 men are really not that many if you consider that in rl you see dozens of men daily but not many catch your eye, let alone would be your match for a relationship, even if they were single. OD is just a very drawn out process wgilch in rl would take much faster if you saw all tese people at a big gathering, festivals/big weddings. It reeally is a slog and some women have freat gut instinct and luck on their side to meet someone quickly, but mostly LOTS of patience is needed!
I want to meet people in rl but it really is hard if you don't take part in a group sport. And I can get OP when she's saying that she fancies younger men - I'm older than OP and it's the same for me, they fancy me too but hardly a r-ship material, sad really. Thankfully there are SOMe older men that I can fancy 0looking back over my life) - agree with a poster who said that age doesn't matter if you really like/respect/find funny a person who is older.
OP maybe try (not hugely) younger guys - they can be very eager and attractive and intelligent - if you don't mind it not being neccessarily permanent, you say you aer fine on your own generally and you have your DD, so sounds like a younger guy may well suit you!

What SolidGold said. Frankly, unless you're going out of your way to be unpleasant to people, you should just keep doing what you're doing.

OP, in case you are interested, there is a specific site for meeting younger men , it's surprisingly quite decent and the men are not all indecently that young, lots are in their late 20s or even older, I guarantee you'll get a lot of messages (looking at your photos).

My tuppence worth on this (but i havent read through all the 11 pages of posts!)

1. use 'good' dating sites (eharmony and mysinglefriend and the sarah beeny one) you pay but so do the men on it who may be looking for something serious with real women
2. maybe you come across as confident as you are and that puts prats off (a good thing) so dont worry about that
3. when speaking to a potential 'good un' be interested in a relationship, if you come across as being 'sorted' that can be offputting

but hey what do i know, i've been with someone 10 years married 7.5 and a couple of months back recall thinking to myself, he better not leave me cos i cant do the 'dating thing'! Good luck! all good things n all.....

Im just not sexually attracted to people who are 10 years older than me. I cant help that

This is one of the funniest things I have read :)

So if Daniel Craig or ( insert name of some other man) tuned up you'd refuse because they were 10 years older.

I think you should rephrase that to " I've not yet been attracted to someone 10 years older."

have it your way- you are closing doors unnecessarily IMO, but there you go.

Yep, im not attracted to him in any way, shape or form. Im just not. He does nothing for me.

Glad you find that amuzing

Like velvet said, those wanting a relationship want someone thats interesting and right for them. Those that are dating for other reasons dont. Its almost impossible to tell via emails and calls beforehand. Unless of course its like yesterdays one and he asks me out on the first message ( obviously im not going)

My profile is interesting, ive had a full and unusual life, i live it to the full. But, if you harp on too much its a bit much and i know its intimidating, men find it intimidating.

MissBoPeep, I'm not sure why you keep arguing with the OP about who she does/doesn't/would/wouldn't find attractive. Radical idea, maybe, but perhaps she does actually know herself.

I think your Daniel Craig example is misleading. I could probably be persuaded to go on a date with Harrison Ford, but since he's literally the only 70-year-old I'd consider from the entire human population and, let's face it, he's reasonably unlikely to pop up on Plenty of Fish any time soon, it wouldn't really make sense for me to include all men of his age in my search parameters.

I'm agreeing with lots of these later posts. In my single years I would have met more than 50 men over a 5 year period (this is only 10 a year) through work, at a pub etc. But I've never met a bf like that. The idea of dating is fun, nerve wracking, but a bit weird too - you're meeting strangers on best behaviour, everyone is projecting their ideal selves rather than their true selves. The men I've really been interested have grown on me over time. I look for personality, humour, lack of fussiness. My idea of hell would be a suit OP! My odd ball DP is 1:1000 sort and took a few years before we finally got together. It was worth the wait.

I would go on a date with a chat show host who is 50. I dont and would never want sex with him, but i just think he would be so much fun.

Johnny depp is the only exception to this, but thats not realistic at all!!

Other than that, no, i dont have sexual feelings for men 10 years older. It freaks me out a bit tbh, makes me feel like they are my dad or something, which is horrible.
I just dont like it.

In the same way, while i can appreciate the attractivness of 10 years younger men, i couldnt seriously be with one.

So its not double standards on my behalf. I just want to date someone my own age range.

Lebfg- i dont like suits either :)
I was just being open minded to different types of men.

I always go for personality, everytime. I think half my problem is so many men are so bland with no interests and have done nothing with their lives. I dont care what they have done, just that they have done something.

I find it impossible to be attracted to man who still lives at home, has been in the same job since he was 20, takes a package holiday to spain and watches im a celeb and thinks its great.

And there is, i suspect, my issue.
That and the fact i dont find 45 year old attractive.

And yes, 50 dates over 5 years is only 10 a year. Not many at all.

Single men in their 30s are single as they're losers, while single women in their 30s are single because single men are losers. Go figure.

Unfortunately that in general is very true. Of all the 'single' guys I know, there's only one guy who I would class as 'decent'. And despite him being quite vertically challenged and virtually no self confidence, he's just bagged himself a stunning Polish girl. So I guess technically he's not single anymore.

It's slim pickings out there once you get 30+. The decent men are already bagged and the ones whom do appear quickly get snatched up.

Back when I was single I didn't just rely on online dating. Don't get me wrong, I had good success on the online dating scene. But it was just one iron in the fire. I also joined different communities I was interested in. For example as a single dad, I joined single parent sites too and became an active member organising meet ups etc. My aim wasn't to just meet someone but totally change my life and meet new friends.

In fact, I met my now fiancee through one of my LP sites. We started as friends, she even babysat for me whilst I was out dating. Then things developed from there.

My point is that the only thing I'd change with your approach OP, is to look at improving your social life in general as well as dabbling with online dating.

You can't have Johnny Depp. He's mine. Gerroffim.

Is the chat show host Jeremy Kyle? Eek.

I agree with the offline socialising, especially in light of your most recent post. Clubs, evening classes, volunteering or something? The men you would meet there would, by definition, be 'doing something' other than sitting around playing on their X boxes while their mums cook their tea.

yes, how did you guess. lol

the social life needs an overhall. i know that. Herein lies the problem. I cant get/ afford regular baby sitters, so evening classes, so any weekdayactivity is out.

I work in school hours and then look after a friends child to help her out ( she has mine while i work)

I have every other weekend free, which i try to see friends, all married, only want to socalise in their houses due to their babysitting issues ( fair enough) and have some time for me, doing housework, errands, or just chilling out.

I did join a local social group, but again, that had 2 male members, both who i had rejected online dating (so, not awkward at all!!!) and the rest were full of, yes, 45 year old women who were a bit lost following the break up of their marriages. I didnt fit in with any of them, which is almost as depressing as not getting anywhere with the dating. lol

I could imagine myself in exactly the same position as you if all went tits up here. I'm sure your only 'problem' is age. When your kids are a bit older and in school you'll have a lot more time freed up to do some interesting things. In the meantime, I would probably continue OD but just be really fussy - don't waste your precious time with time wasters.

niceguy2 - I've got a near identical story of a pretty unattractive short man who has bagged a tall, leggy Dutch girl all of 10 years his junior. Twat also wanted to continue seeing his ex during holidays (an open relationship or something where do they get these ideas?). Perhaps this is the thing unsuccessful men don't realise - hang around single til you reach 35-40 and you shall be rewarded by bagging real bombshells.

My child is in school. but i work in those hours, so it really makes no difference at all.

I think,if im really honest, im as much a victim of circumstance as anything else. I have limited opportunities to meet people, and really thats not going to change for a considerable number of years.

i do interesting stuff all the time, but its not conductive to meeting/ dating. Yesterday i drove 2 hours each way to the o2 to see something with DD. I got chatted up by a nice man while i was there :) but of course, thats not going to go anywhere..... I did see lots of nice men, but they were all with their families. So, nice, interesting thing for me, something fun, something to talk about, something a bit different, had a fab time. Nothing in dating dept. And thats how my life is, i do lots of stuff, in the last 6 months ive been to the albert hall, horse racing, gigs, show in london, day out in london, cinema, meals out, off roading,camping, weekend away. new job and just moved house. I get out and walk the dog, ive gone to farmers markets, vintage markets and just browsing cool shops.... i do stuff all the time. And then i go home, put DD to bed and am stuck in, and its been that way for 5 years now.

AND, in a way, the more stuff i do, the more interesting stuff i do, the more ' different' to everyone else i become, and almost alienate myself from people even more.
I have school gate mums say to my face they cant belive what i get up to, and how i do it, and how they wouldnt in a million years even attempt it. half wouldnt even drive on the motorway.... and these are the ones that like me and are my friends, to the ones that dont like me ive heard they say who the hell do i think i am. which makes no sense, but there you go.

But then i also become less interested in people that dont do stuff, i love having an interesing life and want someone to share it with. Someone whos happy to sit in and do nothing holds no interest to me... and again, men tend to react like the school gate mums and go one way or another with it.

bit of a vicous circle.

'When your kids are a bit older & in school' yes, give it another five years, you'll be 39 & then legitimate arm-candy for septuagenarians....

springchicken
One thing is standing up for me. You said you had a full and unusual life and that can put people off.

I don't know what you did but I have travelled quite a bit, lived abroad and there is no way I could get on with someone who has lived their own life in the same place.
I do realize this is a big generalization but I genuinely seem to get on only with people that have their own 'unusual' life too and generally with people who are comfortable in a very multicultural environment, do not conform to standards.

So it made me wonder, is the issue for you more to do with the type of people you meet, their background etc... rather than an issue about yourself/how you are getting on about dating as such?

oh, yes, ill be able to shoot for the 60 years olds. can hardly wait

xpost.

Yes agree about being unusual and not 'fitting in'.
This makes things hundred times more difficult unless you live in a multicultural area where lots of people have done at least some of the unusual things you've done.