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Original poster

Is this ok to send?

110 replies

LikeATeenager · 26/12/2012 12:14

Hi all.
Have been seeing someone for the last couple of months. We get on really well, sex is amazing and when we are together he talks about how much he likes me, lots of very private things about his business, hopes for the future etc.
However he owns his own business an literally works 24/7. I've never met anyone who works so hard - he has been diagnosed with high blood pressure and knows he needs to calms things down. I've been v understanding about his schedule, it doesn't really bother me when plans get changed last minute etc but it's the frequency of contact between meetings that I struggle with. He never texts me first, phone calls are snatched in the car as he drives between meetings, basically it's all on his terms. I don't want that long term - I want someone who has the spare time to put effort into me as well.
So I was going to send him this - I want to be honest. Is it ok do you think?

Hi - hope you're ok. Think this might be a bit long but didn't want to catch you driving & if I see you face to face I'll struggle to say anything as you're lovely. But I honestly think you just don't have the time or energy to be in any sort of relationship at the mo. Even in these early stages, this time I want to be with someone who makes me feel special - but it's usually me making the effort, texting you first, suggesting we meet up etc. I know your life is crazy busy but even at (a club we went to) you didn't touch me once the whole night which was a bit strange. And that's fine - but just not what I need. I'm definately not a needy or demanding person but there has to be a balance there. So I'm sorry - honestly the last thing I want to do is cause you any more stress but it's better to be honest. You know I'm a bit of a softie and if I carry on this way, especially sleeping with you which is a big-ish thing for me (& ridiculously amazing with you,) I'm going to end up hurt. I'm not asking for much but I still think it's prob more than you can give at the moment. Sorry x

OP posts:
gimmecakeandcandy · 26/12/2012 20:35

I think you need to send the text as YOU want it - it doesn't matter what we think, you know him and what you want to say.
I do personally find such a big age gap baffling but it's up to you - please let us know how you go x

WipsGlitter · 26/12/2012 20:39

Well you need to SAY that. It's totally unclear. Sorry I'm sure your head is melting with the advice! If you don't want to end it then I would try to see him in person.

ShipwreckedUnderTheTree · 26/12/2012 20:41

I think that you are very unlikely to change him, avoid trying to and focus instead on what you want in life.

Personally, I think you should finish it. If he suddenly decides that he has been foolish, all the better...but don't bank on it.

something2say · 26/12/2012 21:00

You can never change a man. Just watch who he reveals himself to be x

I'd stop contacting him and see how long he lasts without chasing you. See how long it takes for him to notice.

Your message read to me as tho you want to create an issue - no excitement or attention so you create some.

Always better to see who a man is without your input as they do tend to revert to type. X

Original poster
LikeATeenager · 26/12/2012 21:22

Thanks ladies - i'll let you know how it goes!

OP posts:
SweetSeraphim · 26/12/2012 22:02

Have you sent it?

Original poster
LikeATeenager · 26/12/2012 22:24

No - in going to send it tomorrow evening when Xmas is over. I took out the part about the club as suggested and also turned it into a question at the end

OP posts:
susanann · 26/12/2012 22:40

I can see a few red flags here im afraid. Sounds like hes a workaholic, his life is manic and cos of that hes making himself ill.(high blood pressure) Sounds like he needs a jolt back to reality, lets hope that doesnt come in the form of a heart attack or similiar. Also I find it strange that hes not lived with anyone at his age. Do you know why that is? Is it because hes always been a workaholic? The age gap is quite big but if youre both ok with that then no matter. But if you do make a go of it and have kids hes going to be a dad at say 50, not an ideal age really. And as someone else said you may end up feeling like a lone parent if he doesnt change his ways. Possibly a case of hes too old to change? I hope you manage to sort this out OP. Good luck

TheSecondComing · 26/12/2012 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzyizin · 26/12/2012 23:21

The likeliehood is that he'll make reassuring noises n response to your text and, when you do get to meet up, you'll be overcome with lust by his gorgeousness and, out of fear he'll dump you or say something you don't want to hear, you won't mention your feeling... until the next time you attempt to stimulate discussion in advance.

Are you always this reluctant to dicuss your expections/emotional feelings/wants/needs/desires with your paramours?

And is there a reason why you intend to text him rather than email?

itsmineitsmine · 26/12/2012 23:33

Take out the "i'm a softie" bit too. It's very 'kicked puppy'

izzyizin · 27/12/2012 00:11

Ditch the reference him driving as he may well be motoring along when he gets your continuous texts, ditch the 'sorrys', ditch the neediness, ditch the mixed messages, and what have you got?

This: "As I'm looking for something more than casual dates, it would seem sensible to call a halt now. I've very much enjoyed knowing you and wish you well for the future"

The above has the advantage of being contained in one concise message rather than an irritating series of rambling texts, and also avoids the use of the dreaded txt speak which is singularly inappropriate in missives of this nature.

If nothing else, it gets your intentions across in a purposeful manner and his response will determine whether he holds you in sufficient esteem to make more effort to woo you than he has hitherto displayed.

If/when he calls you, you can make mention of the content of your earlier drafts.

However, I am still of the opinion that face to face is the proper way to address the issues that are already apparent so early in your relationship with this workaholic.

Feckthehalls · 27/12/2012 00:21

Agree with Izzy, if you want to " talk about us" it should be face to face,
I suspect it's likely he will be pissed off at your text.

I would be.

I do sympathise. He sounds like an old BF of mine whom I adored. Hardly ever saw him, very intense sexual relationship, big shot in business, he was constantly on the on the phone. Looking back he was just not that into me, but I was bloody hurt at the time. I know better now.

He is now a retired millionaire in his late 40s and frankly a bit of a plonker.

Original poster
LikeATeenager · 27/12/2012 17:35

Update - so I listened to you all and didn't send the text.
Instead sent him one saying could we catch up at some point, would be nice to see him and I would kind of like to have a chat.
He rung back and said that sounds ominous and what did I mean...
So I basically said what I said here - the I didn't like feeling that it was always me doing the chasing, texting him first etc.
He said thanks for being honest, that he's dreadful at relationships and it's been such a long time since he's had anything decent that he is now adopting a complete "what will be will be attitude." Also that he has some work probs that he is finding totally overwhelming at the moment.
I basically said that the ball is in his court now.
We then chatted about other stuff for a while.
He ended with " I'll call you over the next couple of days."
So we will see.
Thanks again for all the advice - you were completely right about the text ladies!

OP posts:
ShipwreckedUnderTheTree · 27/12/2012 17:39

Fab!!

On no account phone him.....

It set the tone for the future if you say all this and then cave.

sarahseashell · 27/12/2012 17:51

OP that sounds much better.

I'd delete his number now and just wait to see if he contacts you or not. Men are never too busy to get what they want IMO and they respond more to no contact than they do to 'relationship chats.'

Shift the focus onto your own life, arrange a few nights out with friends and so on and consider going out with other men. At your age you have plenty of time and opportunities ahead of you

Original poster
LikeATeenager · 27/12/2012 17:53

Yep no way I'm going to call him! Out with the girls tomorrow night Smile

OP posts:
izzyizin · 27/12/2012 21:00

Well done you Smile

Twattergy · 27/12/2012 21:26

Hurrah! A rare victory for the anti texters on MN. Think how much better you feel having made that call compared to sending a text...and sitting...waiting...waiting....worrying...posting on MN about having sent a text and dreading the response....

Piemother · 27/12/2012 21:47

Curious to know the outcome of this. The bloke sounds v familiar especially the 'what will be will be'. Been given that spiel recently.

Feckthehalls · 27/12/2012 22:51

well done OP. Hope you are feeling good about this

Original poster
LikeATeenager · 27/12/2012 22:56

I wish I'd been a bit more articulate and clearer on the phone but it was still the best option you were all right!
I will keep you updated - have a feeling it will be the beginning of the end now but probably for the best anyway!

OP posts:
Original poster
LikeATeenager · 29/12/2012 21:23

So still not heard anything from him - think it's time to give up on this one!

OP posts:
ShipwreckedUnderTheTree · 30/12/2012 19:15

Least you know where you stand now and can move onto someone who is actually worth the effort and gives back as much as he gets xx

Hope yours is a great 2013

Piemother · 30/12/2012 19:40

God how pathetic are men when they avoid direct communication of anything negative. How childish and passive aggressive.
Sadly in my case 'what will be will be' translated to 'you do all the running until you have no self esteem left'. So I stopped making the effort and he just disappeared.
Well done op - no point wasting your time Grin