Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3 4 5

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is this ok to send?

110 replies

LikeATeenager · 26/12/2012 12:14

Hi all.
Have been seeing someone for the last couple of months. We get on really well, sex is amazing and when we are together he talks about how much he likes me, lots of very private things about his business, hopes for the future etc.
However he owns his own business an literally works 24/7. I've never met anyone who works so hard - he has been diagnosed with high blood pressure and knows he needs to calms things down. I've been v understanding about his schedule, it doesn't really bother me when plans get changed last minute etc but it's the frequency of contact between meetings that I struggle with. He never texts me first, phone calls are snatched in the car as he drives between meetings, basically it's all on his terms. I don't want that long term - I want someone who has the spare time to put effort into me as well.
So I was going to send him this - I want to be honest. Is it ok do you think?

Hi - hope you're ok. Think this might be a bit long but didn't want to catch you driving & if I see you face to face I'll struggle to say anything as you're lovely. But I honestly think you just don't have the time or energy to be in any sort of relationship at the mo. Even in these early stages, this time I want to be with someone who makes me feel special - but it's usually me making the effort, texting you first, suggesting we meet up etc. I know your life is crazy busy but even at (a club we went to) you didn't touch me once the whole night which was a bit strange. And that's fine - but just not what I need. I'm definately not a needy or demanding person but there has to be a balance there. So I'm sorry - honestly the last thing I want to do is cause you any more stress but it's better to be honest. You know I'm a bit of a softie and if I carry on this way, especially sleeping with you which is a big-ish thing for me (& ridiculously amazing with you,) I'm going to end up hurt. I'm not asking for much but I still think it's prob more than you can give at the moment. Sorry x

OP posts:

Report

ImperialBlether · 26/12/2012 15:03

I hate to sound insensitive, but do you think your dad's age is anything to do with your desire for an older man? My dad is in his 80s too and the thought is never far from my mind that he won't live forever. I can well understand why the desire for an older man who will take care of you is present at the moment.

LikeATeenager · 26/12/2012 15:20

I've always found older men attractive - my Exh was 16 years older than me (not that it worked out!) I've got a good job, my own house etc so it's not the being paid for that interests me. More that I find them more interesting, charismatic and just generally attractive

OP posts:

MariahScarey · 26/12/2012 15:20

ALL OLDER MEN? Yeah right.

ImperialBlether · 26/12/2012 15:50

Lordy.

Well, as an older woman looking for an older man, I can assure you they are NOT always more attractive! I can see why he's interested in you more than I can see why you're interested in him.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 26/12/2012 15:58

He's 48 FFS not 90. Brad Pitt is 49 and not looking too bad for it - well, except in those weird ads on at the moment.

Although I agree that it doesn't sound great. It's unlikely he'll change that much and I would be concerned about planning a future with a man who behaves like this.

CeilingThomas · 26/12/2012 16:24

If I were him I'd be miffed that you couldn't bring up something as important as this to my face and may question whether a long term relationship would work. If you really can't just talk to him about it then would suggest something simple like "I'd like to talk about freeing up some of your time so we can see each other more often, can we talk about this next time we meet?" it's positive and opens the door to raising the issues you have. It doesn't give him the "we need to talk" message either which can scare people off.

If you honestly don't want to split up then face to face openness and honesty are critical, even if it's hard you should try to do it.

Just my opinion, hope it helps.

ImperialBlether · 26/12/2012 16:55

Ceiling, if he wanted to free up some time, he would. Sometimes you just have to watch what someone does to understand them.

CeilingThomas · 26/12/2012 17:47

Imperial, yes you're right about that I do agree, but I also think that people need to communicate their thoughts and feelings to each other to ensure the relationship grows and remains healthy. If he's been like that from the start then he might be assuming the OP is ok with his working hours.

CeilingThomas · 26/12/2012 17:50

Also the relationship is still young, communicating expectations and boundaries is especially important at this stage. Good luck OP.

LikeATeenager · 26/12/2012 17:57

Thanks everyone - I'll let you know how it goes! Still going to send a message but have made it a lot clearer (I think!)

OP posts:

izzyizin · 26/12/2012 18:55

I suggest you run your revised message by this board before you send it as once sent, it can't be retracted.

LikeATeenager · 26/12/2012 19:05

Ok izzy - I've tried to make it shorter and clearer. I do agree with the consensus that face to face is best - but at least this way I know I'll get everything said that I want to.

Hi. Sorry to text but didn't want to catch you driving & if I see you face to face I'll struggle to say anything as you're lovely - but I honestly think you just don't have the time or energy to be in any sort of relationship at the mo. Even in these early stages, this time I want to be with someone who makes me feel special - but it's usually me making the effort, texting you first, suggesting we meet up etc. I know your life is crazy busy but even at (club name) you didn't touch me once the whole night which was a bit strange. I'm not asking for much but there has to be a balance there. Sorry - I don't want to cause you more stress but it's better to be honest. I do really like you & v much enjoy the time we spend together, but I don't want to get more attached to you if this is the way it's always going to be... Sorry x

OP posts:

Alittlestranger · 26/12/2012 19:08

Remove the final "sorry" at least. Sorry is how you sign off if you're dumping someone. If you're not dumping him then it still makes you look v needy.

WipsGlitter · 26/12/2012 19:11

It's still not clear if you want to break up or this is an ultimatum. I suggest:

Hi, I've been thinking recently and I don't think things are working out. You're so busy with work all the time and there's no time left over for me. I really enjoyed the time we spent together but think its better to end it now. Sorry to do this by text but its the only wy I van keep my thoughts straight.

OR

Hi, I've been thinking about "us" recently, it's great spending time with you and I love the time we spend together but we don't spend that much time together - maybe once a week at most. I know you're busy at work but if this is going anywhere (and I DO want it to) then we need to see more if each other. Is that possible? Will call you [date and time] for a chat.

MN044 · 26/12/2012 19:11

It still sounds like you're dumping him tbh

Back2Two · 26/12/2012 20:01

Hi
Sorry to text but didn't want to catch you driving. I've been trying to figure out what is missing from the time we spend together and I'm honestly thinking that you just don't have the time or energy to be in any sort of relationship at the mo. Especially in the early stages I like someone who makes me feel special - but, in this case it's usually me making the effort. I know your life is crazy busy but even at (club name) you didn't touch me once the whole night which was a bit strange. I'm looking for more of a balance I think; whereas your work seems to be your main focus. I do really like you & v much enjoy the time we spend together. I just don't want to get more attached to you if this is the way it's always going to be.

izzyizin · 26/12/2012 20:14

I can't see that you've taken on board what's been said to you here as you don't appear to made much in the way of alteration to your original draft message.

We can all suggest alternative missives until the cows come home but all that they'll go to show is that this NOT a subject that should be conveyed in a text at this stage of your relationship with him.

It's time for you to woman up, organise your next date, and TALK to the guy face to face. If you still find you can't get the words out, you can at least hint there's something on your mind and follow up by email if necessary.

Feckthehalls · 26/12/2012 20:23

I think it's not good at all. Still comes across as needy. The bit about no affection in the club is a bit of a cringe. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.
And it's still not clear whether you are trying to bin him or get him to up his game

coffeeinbed · 26/12/2012 20:25

That's textbook dumping.

CeilingThomas · 26/12/2012 20:28

Absolutely agree izzy. OP, Your message is very long to send as a text and much of it is open to misinterpretation.

Open the discussion via text, but keep the details until face to face. A potential long term partner deserves to be able to respond to you in 'real time' too.

Talk to him!

izzyizin · 26/12/2012 20:29

Feck is right, honey. It's needy to the point of cringemaking and is further evidence that some matters can only be conveyed face to face.

Get on with organising your next date or get back to the drawing board and decide if you're telling him he's dumped or that you want more than he's offered to date - in which case, keep the message short, sweet, and businsslike.

LikeATeenager · 26/12/2012 20:30

Argh I honestly have taken your comments on board but think I'm past caring now. If I come across as needy then I do - at least I'm being honest to myself and my feelings. Thanks so much for all your thoughts and input though - I really appreciate your time.

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Pooka · 26/12/2012 20:30

I also think the bit about the club doesn't add much to the text.

It doesn't really go with the tone - are you saying that he is too much into his work (you taking the initiative) or that you feel he just isn't that into you (the club)?

WipsGlitter · 26/12/2012 20:33

But it's not clear what you want! Do you want to end it or for him to pay you more attention?!

LikeATeenager · 26/12/2012 20:34

I want him to change his priorities and focus on me a bit more but the more we discuss it the more I think it's unlikely

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.