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Original poster

Is this ok to send?

110 replies

LikeATeenager · 26/12/2012 12:14

Hi all.
Have been seeing someone for the last couple of months. We get on really well, sex is amazing and when we are together he talks about how much he likes me, lots of very private things about his business, hopes for the future etc.
However he owns his own business an literally works 24/7. I've never met anyone who works so hard - he has been diagnosed with high blood pressure and knows he needs to calms things down. I've been v understanding about his schedule, it doesn't really bother me when plans get changed last minute etc but it's the frequency of contact between meetings that I struggle with. He never texts me first, phone calls are snatched in the car as he drives between meetings, basically it's all on his terms. I don't want that long term - I want someone who has the spare time to put effort into me as well.
So I was going to send him this - I want to be honest. Is it ok do you think?

Hi - hope you're ok. Think this might be a bit long but didn't want to catch you driving & if I see you face to face I'll struggle to say anything as you're lovely. But I honestly think you just don't have the time or energy to be in any sort of relationship at the mo. Even in these early stages, this time I want to be with someone who makes me feel special - but it's usually me making the effort, texting you first, suggesting we meet up etc. I know your life is crazy busy but even at (a club we went to) you didn't touch me once the whole night which was a bit strange. And that's fine - but just not what I need. I'm definately not a needy or demanding person but there has to be a balance there. So I'm sorry - honestly the last thing I want to do is cause you any more stress but it's better to be honest. You know I'm a bit of a softie and if I carry on this way, especially sleeping with you which is a big-ish thing for me (& ridiculously amazing with you,) I'm going to end up hurt. I'm not asking for much but I still think it's prob more than you can give at the moment. Sorry x

OP posts:
izzyizin · 26/12/2012 13:18

Why does it have to be make or break now can't you wait to discuss what appears to be your different expectations of relationships when you next see him?

His busy schedule begs the question of how often you've seen him during the 'few months' you've been dating him, and I'm also curious as to how you came to meet a man who seems to allow himself so little leisure time?

badguider · 26/12/2012 13:20

I'd go much shorter and sweeter. "I really like you and enjoy the time we get together but your life seems too busy for a proper relationship right now. I don't want to get any more attached if this is how it will always be. Call me for a chat when you've got some proper time to talk?"

izzyizin · 26/12/2012 13:20

He's 48 and has never lived with anyone! How old are you?

freeandhappy · 26/12/2012 13:28

Definitely definately though I know that's not important. Does sound a bit needy tho. Good luck!

freeandhappy · 26/12/2012 13:28

Definitely NOT definately. Sorry!

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 26/12/2012 13:36

It' a really sweet message and you're not asking for much, but as other people have said you need to be clearer about what the text is hoping to achieve.
Frankly I think you should be prepared to break up with him either immediately or very soon.
If he's never lived with anyone at 48 and isn't making time for you now, after a couple of months, when you should be in the honeymoon phase, it isn't going to happen.

PeachTown · 26/12/2012 13:36

If he hasn't got time to take a phone call from you on a bank holiday then it's hopeless. The fact that you think this is a reasonable excuse tells me your self esteem is pretty low.

Please move on and find someone else.

MardyArsedMidlander · 26/12/2012 13:40

I bet he does want a wife and kids- but that doesn't mean he's going to change! You could be the wife acting as a lone parent, complaining on here about your workaholic husband who you never see.

JustFabulous · 26/12/2012 13:40

IMO it is too long and waffly.

ImperialBlether · 26/12/2012 13:45

Freeandhappy, I was DYING to say that!

OP, how often do you see him now? And why is he so busy? What time does he stop working? What sort of job does he have?

He clearly won't change if he's married with children; it would just be a more comfortable base for him.

Original poster
LikeATeenager · 26/12/2012 13:58

Thanks for the spelling - how Blush
I'm 28. I see him about once a week but like I say it's always me arranging it.
I don't want to say what he does but basically he has customers who can ring him any time any day. Evenings are spent at events or taking them to dinner

OP posts:
Original poster
LikeATeenager · 26/12/2012 13:59

I suppose I'm doing that stupid thing of thinking I could be the one he changes for... Silly really if he hasn't until now!

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 26/12/2012 14:03

My grandfather married my grandmother when he was 47 (he'd never been married before, no). They went on to have 7 children. So it's not like people can't change their lifestyes if they want to.

The point is, you've got to make it clear that you want more or you're out.

dequoisagitil · 26/12/2012 14:06

Please don't fool yourself thinking he will change for you.

You need to go into a relationship being happy with what he is, not hoping he'll completely change his lifestyle for you. He's a workaholic. He may be able to adjust that slightly, but it'll always be his comfort zone - so even if he did make room in his life for you, at times of stress or once the novelty has worn off, he'd slip back into it.

freeandhappy · 26/12/2012 14:12

Holy moly you are 28 and he is 48! He should have plenty of time to woo you and if he isnt doing that then he is just not that into you. Sorry. He's too old for you anyway don't you think? Ok for a fling but not for keeps.

itsmineitsmine · 26/12/2012 14:16

Sorry, op. It sounds like he's just not that into you :(

He doesn't act like you're a couple when you're together. He never finds the time to send a quick text.

No matter how hard he works he could do those things if he cared about you enough.

I wouldn't settle for someone who thought so little of me.

RecklessRat · 26/12/2012 14:19

Have you ever been to his house OP? Have you seen him or spoken to him over Christmas?

If it was me I'd begin to wonder whether he was already in a relationship, if the only time he has to call you are snatched moments in the car "between meetings", f his evenings are spent "taking clients out" and if he keeps on changing plans at the last minute. Perhaps thats why he has to keep it "all on his terms".

But then again, perhaps I'm too cynical.......

I wouldn't send that message either, I think it sounds needy and wishy-washy. I'd ask him straight out where it was heading. And give him the flick if he can't give you what you're looking for.

izzyizin · 26/12/2012 14:22

It seems to me that your ill conceived proposed message is little more than a ploy to get his attention.

There's no need for you to send him anything at this point and you're best advised to arrange your next date and raise the topic of your differing expectations of intimate relationships face to face like a big girl .

Original poster
LikeATeenager · 26/12/2012 14:26

No he's single - I always go to his house and the night out was with all his oldest friends and wives.

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 26/12/2012 14:29

He sounds like a workaholic, he's unlikely to change.

MN044 · 26/12/2012 14:37

I know it's not the done thing to comment on an age gap but OP, you're describing the ages of me and my dad and that makes me feel a bit weird tbh. Is it possible he didn't touch you all night because they'e been giving him some stick about the age difference, or he's embarassed by it? Maybe he's worried what people will say?
I agree with everyone else that the message is unclear, but also that, at 28 tbh you don't need this shit. I was dumped this year by a dp only a few years older than me who'd never had a relationship before either. Tbh, after that experience, I'd say that at this age, if he's never had a proper relationship then there's a reason for that. That could be lack of time, lack of interest, any number of things. But I do think you're probably flogging a dead horse. Being on your own (and even I, sat here on my own with 3 poorly dc and the worst head cold I've ever had can attest to this) is better than being with someone who has no inclination to spend time with you. Even if he doesn't do it deliberately, it's selfish and you're not getting what you need from the relationship. If you live an hour away and you can't be bothered to drive there how likely is it to work longterm anyway?

ImperialBlether · 26/12/2012 14:38

OK well I think he's too old for you. I know there will be people on here who married men old enough to be their grandfathers and it worked out for them, but the fact is, he's a generation older. He may have a flashy lifestyle (what there is of it) and plenty of money and I'm sure he's confident etc, but he's your mother's age, not yours.

He's had thirty years (longer than you've been alive) working at a career that takes up every minute of the day. Yes, he may swerve off track for someone he's mad on (sadly it's not you) and focus on them. They will feel the full force of his attraction but then he'll turn it back to the safety of work.

Set yourself free. Don't bother writing to him. If he wanted to see more of you, he would. Once a week at your instigation isn't a relationship. I'm really sorry as you seem keen on him, but I think you're better off finding someone nearer your own age that you can have a future with.

BandersnatchCummerbund · 26/12/2012 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LikeATeenager · 26/12/2012 14:42

Thanks MN and imperial. Really good posts and certainly something to think about. I suppose because my parents were so old when they had me (dad is 82 now) the age gap never seemed an issue - just the other things

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 26/12/2012 15:00

More than the age gap not seeming an issue, do you think the idea of being with someone older is attractive to you anyway?

If so, think about why and go for someone with those qualities. Does he make you feel safe? Cared for? Do you like being with someone who is confident? Do you find men who know what they're doing in life attractive? Does he treat you when you go out and automatically pick up the bill?

It's possible to find someone with those qualities without having to go for someone who's older.

Bear in mind there are downsides of being with someone older. You may be treated as though you're being silly, when you're just having a laugh. You may feel as though you're really ignorant, when you just haven't lived as long. You may enjoy spontaneity when they don't. You may just yearn sometimes for someone who's the same age as you, who went through the same stages at the same time. You may not want to listen to music from a past era. You may eventually not want to listen to stories of his glory days. Just a thought.

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