Feel I am going to hurt someone who doesn't deserve it.

[ImFINEthanks]

I feel awful about this. I've been with my BF for just over a year. We both have grown DC's. Neither of us was OW/OM. We met online and the chemistry was instant (physically). We also share a sense of humour and many common interests musically and so on. We both have a strong sense of family values. Early on in the relationship he came on pretty strong and was very, very charming, a gentleman - spoiled me rotten in fact. I loved it, apart from my ex h he was my only lover in over 20 years. I went headlong in, as did he.

So. I moved a few months ago. I now have my own house. He moved in bit by bit. He has left his life where he lived, including his family, and his DC's have coped with the changes differently. One is fine. One is ok (ish) and the other's are furious. He has decided he won't waste any more time trying to please them. I try and encourage him not to give up and to stay in contact. He won't be seeing them at Christmas as they rowed when he saw them last.

I work full-time in a demanding and stressful job. He hasn't worked properly since I met him. He is self employed and the work just dried up. His house is just sold and the equity will be divided. He spends all day at home. We spend every day together. If I go to the shop he comes with me. If he goes to the shop he wants me to go with him. We sit, sometimes, in the evening and I am bored to tears. Money is an issue. We don't share the same ways of managing money. Because I know I'm not very good with it I plan, budget, want to save and so on. His is very much a spend it when you have it philosophy.

I am worried that I have made a mistake and I should have slowed things down and given the relationship a chance to grow more naturally. That's what I wanted and I never put any pressure on him to move here (but neither, sadly, did I challenge him enough when he literally turned up late one night with his stuff). I talked with him about this, but it's clear that this isn't going to go away unless I take full responsibility for the finances, and perhaps for other things too. I don't want to.

I know I share in the responsibility for the way things are. There are times when I look at him and I'm so glad we're together and other's (such as now) when I yearn for some space.

He is gradually becoming dependent on you, and rather clingy by the sound of it. It can't help that he is in a new area with nothing to do all day. He needs a job, friends, interests, so that you are not the only thing in his life, otherwise the burden for you will be dreadful.

As it is very difficult for people to change in this way, it sounds like yes, you will probably have to hurt him. You would hurt him anyway over the long term, because your annoyance and boredom would start to show over time. There is no question of him "deserving" it or not, you are not a judge who is meting out a punishment, just a person re-considering a relationship.

How old are the kids he has wrote off?

There are so many red flags waving, I can hardly see anything else.

"I work full-time in a demanding and stressful job. He hasn't worked properly since I met him."

Ding dong! Alarm bells!

"He has decided he won't waste any more time trying to please them."

They are his children. How can he even think this?

"He won't be seeing them at Christmas as they rowed when he saw them last."

They are his children.

"I am bored to tears."

No wonder - he is a waste of space.

"We don't share the same ways of managing money."

In other words you are the only adult and he feels free to spend whatever he has.

"...he literally turned up late one night with his stuff"

Without your agreement, he just turned up?

OP, I can see you were blown away by him at first but really, this was only ever doomed to be a short term relationship. He is immature, idle and selfish.

He sounds like my ex. Quick to commit, lovely at the beginning, clingy, spendthrift, he abandoned our kids and created problems after leaving, a right emotionally abusive knob.

Tell him to sort out his relationship with his kids or move out, he will move out.

Cocklodger

Get Xmas over, and then get him out

Now you know why his marriage/former relationship ended - and I wouldn't be too sure about him not having had an ow.

In short, he's a total tosser, a millstone round your neck, and a cocklodger,

Follow AF's advice and boot him out before the turkey's finished.

Clock lodger, I'm afraid. Get rid after Xmas.

Just turned up with his stuff one night without an invitation to move in? Cheeky fecker. Also sounds like for the most part it must be your money he's spending, is that right? No wonder he doesn't want to let you out of his sight.

Good, he's getting some money from the house sale, that will come in handy when he gets his own place.

Cocklodger, Ffs!

Sounds like my ex and all. This is not healthy.

And it's not about whether he "deserves" to be "hurt". It's about whether YOU are happy and in a healthy relationship.

From your post the answer is clearly no and no.

You have acquired a child, not an adult. It's particularly concerning that he showed up with his stuff late at night - you do not do that without agreement and discussion! My ex did do that, and I wish I had got out at the stage you are at now.

It only gets worse from here, I'm afraid.
He will become more suffocating.
He will spend all of your money.
Please please get out now.

Oh and he isn't seeing his kids because he rowed with them?

For the love of god get rid of this knob.

Oh but he DOES deserve it doesnt he!

what a twat. writing off his relationship with his CHILDREN ?? WTF.

get him out of your house and then tell him to F off and look after himself!

Could you also tell me who he is splitting the equity with?

We both have a strong sense of family values.

Really? Even though he's apparently written his own children off? I think he says he has a strong sense of family values because he knows that's what you want to hear. He spoilt you and flattered you, then got his feet under the table and is hoping you are too polite to kick him into touch. I don't think the whole 'turn up late one night with all his stuff' thing was by accident, I think it was deliberately designed to make it as hard as possible for you to say no to.

Well done for spotting relatively early in the relationship that this isn't working for you in its current form.

Poor you, he sounds awful.

The title of your thread is quite telling - why is it about him? Are you a people pleaser who puts other people's needs before you own? This isn't about hurting him or whether he 'deserves it' or not. It's about you not being happy with the life you have with him.

He turned up with all his stuff and you didn't really know him all that well.

It hasn't worked out.

He's too lazy to even sort out his relationship with his own kids.

Ask him to leave and get on with enjoying your own life, which sounds busy, grown up and pretty sorted.

x-posted with jess

Ah, the lazy little limpet has found his new rock to cling to, and by god he's not going to let go!

It's a good one too - free bed, board and sex, no pressure to get a nasty old job even!

I'm sure this man's children know him well enough to quite rightly despise him.

Glad to see you've realised quite soon what you've actually acquired (hint: it certainly isn't someone with 'family values'

He's a user and a twat, and the I lu thing you are wrong about is where you say that he doesn't deserve to be given the boot. He deserves nothing more!

ONLY thing. Tch fiendish phone

I like the cut of your jib, Jim

Wow thank you. OK:

He was offered work some weeks ago, but he didn't actually do anything about it. I followed it up with him. He did offer a reason for not wanting to take it but in my heart of hearts I think he just didn't want to.

He hasn't written his adult DC's off as such - there is a mix of attitudes within the DC's about his moving away which are still very much about the breakdown of the marriage. There is one DC who is pretty vitriolic (by BF's account) and another has just joined the fray (apparently). He would be there if they ever need him, and I have suggested many times that what they're saying and feeling is all part of the fall out and he should listen more closely to what they're saying to him. But he is stubborn and won't be told (not by me any way).

One of the first things I ever asked him was if he was a faithful H. He said yes. I can't check that out. I am going on trust - however he knows full well my views of infidelity and if he has been dishonest with me about that I'd have no hesitation in ending the relationship.

His views on family are more about gender roles I guess. His exW didn't work and they spent a lot of time at home together. I can't do that.

He turned up late after exW turned up at the house with her stuff saying she was moving back in. No, I couldn't say no but I said we'd talk it through. Then I discovered that she had turned up that morning and he'd had all day to sort something else out. He apologised in the end and admitted he shouldn't have asked to move in on spec like that.

No he's not spending my money - I have a large amount in a savings account which I want to use to buy a house next year. But I pay the rent etc with contributions toward food when he has some cash which is less and less often.

The equity is in favour of his exW.

Cock-lodger. If that's the case then it can't work. But he has plans to start another business when his money comes through. I have been taking a waiting stance to see if we can make this all a bit more equitable.

Yes. I am a people pleaser. I hate confrontation and what tends to happen is I simmer for a bit and then it all comes out. That's not good.
Oh and to clarify my last post exW didn't turn up to reconcile. I haven't yet worked out what that was all about. But she didn't move back in after all.

I don't think you know him at all.

I also suspect his ex wife didn't just move back in. Why do they still own a house together if they are divorced?

I think you were the ow which is why his kids have taken it badly. he isn't communicating with them as that will stop you finding out.

You are going to be waitng until hell freezes over until your savings are gone, honey.

And when he's slowly but surely bled you dry, don't expect him to rescue you in the same way he's been rescued by his dw and countless other women you.

No I most definitely was not OW. I have met two of the DC's. They were separated before we met - truly I was not OW.

He was online dating before we met. Please don't think that.

The house took a long time to sell. One of the DC's was still living in it.