Feel I am going to hurt someone who doesn't deserve it.

[ImFINEthanks]

I feel awful about this. I've been with my BF for just over a year. We both have grown DC's. Neither of us was OW/OM. We met online and the chemistry was instant (physically). We also share a sense of humour and many common interests musically and so on. We both have a strong sense of family values. Early on in the relationship he came on pretty strong and was very, very charming, a gentleman - spoiled me rotten in fact. I loved it, apart from my ex h he was my only lover in over 20 years. I went headlong in, as did he.

So. I moved a few months ago. I now have my own house. He moved in bit by bit. He has left his life where he lived, including his family, and his DC's have coped with the changes differently. One is fine. One is ok (ish) and the other's are furious. He has decided he won't waste any more time trying to please them. I try and encourage him not to give up and to stay in contact. He won't be seeing them at Christmas as they rowed when he saw them last.

I work full-time in a demanding and stressful job. He hasn't worked properly since I met him. He is self employed and the work just dried up. His house is just sold and the equity will be divided. He spends all day at home. We spend every day together. If I go to the shop he comes with me. If he goes to the shop he wants me to go with him. We sit, sometimes, in the evening and I am bored to tears. Money is an issue. We don't share the same ways of managing money. Because I know I'm not very good with it I plan, budget, want to save and so on. His is very much a spend it when you have it philosophy.

I am worried that I have made a mistake and I should have slowed things down and given the relationship a chance to grow more naturally. That's what I wanted and I never put any pressure on him to move here (but neither, sadly, did I challenge him enough when he literally turned up late one night with his stuff). I talked with him about this, but it's clear that this isn't going to go away unless I take full responsibility for the finances, and perhaps for other things too. I don't want to.

I know I share in the responsibility for the way things are. There are times when I look at him and I'm so glad we're together and other's (such as now) when I yearn for some space.

I pretty sure the situation with the house would have been sorted in the divorce and she can't just move back in.

As she ended up not moving in, why did he stay with you more than one night?

Something is not right. I think he is lying and if you are not ow i wonder what it is.

So if he has such traditional views about gender roles, why is he staying at home whist you work f-t?

He's avoiding work. He is living off you - you pay for virtually everything already. I suspect a 'large debt' may come to light soon and he'll be so distressed about it you'll end up paying it off.

He has plans to start a new business when he can't maintain the existing one? See above for large debt comment.

The 'wife moving in' story is bizarre.

I think you would benefit from some time away from him to clear your head. Could you get away for a week?

I know something is not right. They agreed to sell the house before the divorce as they both wanted to avoid expensive legal costs.

She is getting more of the equity. In exchange he is paying the debts. (all of this is what he has told me).

But if there is dishonesty I can't put my finger on what it is.

"He was offered work some weeks ago, but he didn't actually do anything about it. I followed it up with him. He did offer a reason for not wanting to take it but in my heart of hearts I think he just didn't want to."

He is acting like a child. He is self-employed and should therefore be doing whatever it takes to get work - not just sitting around at home.

"He hasn't written his adult DC's off as such... He would be there if they ever need him"

Do you believe that?
Do his DCs believe that?

Please stop and take a step back. Read your post. You are not happy and for goodreason.

"No he's not spending my money - I have a large amount in a savings account which I want to use to buy a house next year. But I pay the rent etc with contributions toward food when he has some cash which is less and less often."

So he is spending your money, by living in your house, eating your food, and turning down work. But hey, he has plans to start another business, at some point.

OP, I don't know how to scream this loudly enough. This is exactly what my ex was like and you know what? He eventually fucked off with another woman having run up thousands of pounds of debts in my name, having wrecked my credit rating and my self-esteem.

I don't mean to sound like I am attacking you. I am scared for you.

You think you look at him and feel glad you're together.
You don't.
You look at him and convince yourself you're glad you're together. Your last post is full of excuses and rationalisations.

Please please get rid of him while you still have your sanity.

Well, actually I have said I want a holiday in the new year. I really need it.

yes, I do want some space.

And the irony of the gender split thing is n't lost on me either. It's like we have completely swapped roles but that's not what I signed up for!

Why was the split so acrimonious if there wasn't an OW? Maybe the online dating started when he was married.

I can't understand why his kids are so hostile towards him unless he shat on their mum.

So he's setting up a business is he and that stopped him taking a job? Neither good ideas in a recession.

Why could he not do both, anyway?

You mention savings... you have a house/flat already and savings to buy another. That makes you rather a wealthy woman, doesn't it? Just saying.

he is paying the debts

Wonder how long it is before he asks for your help with this.

FFS OP.

NEXT!!!!

NO Im not wealthy. I had equity from the marital home which gives me enough to get another mortgage. I am renting a tiny house in a very expensive part of the country!!

Wealthy? I wish!

I agree cocklodger

and not even bothering to hide it very well

a good friend of mine fell prey to one of these and he fucking sucked every last drop out of her

listen to jessjessjess, everything she is saying is right

It's all relative OP... you have the equity/savings from your marriage, while he has the debts.

If he did ask me for money I'd say no. He is (in my eyes) an adult and if he's been silly with money it's not for me to bail him out.

Likewise if he's lied to me about anything - he will have chosen to do that rather than be real. And I wouldn't bail him out of that either.

I'm not entirely stupid!

You don't have to be stupid, nobody thinks you are stupid. You sound like someone with integrity and a conscience, which puts you at a huge disadvantage

Don't think you're stupid at all and hope I didn't give that impression.

But look at what you said:

it's clear that this isn't going to go away unless I take full responsibility for the finances, and perhaps for other things too

Doesn't make him sound much like an adult, does it?

You're making excuses for him... he's making you miserable, isn't he? Or at least anxious. If you really believed in him you wouldn't have started the thread.

But I do know what I'm going to do now though and that's because of your responses.

I am going to sit Christmas out. Then I am going to lay it on the line. I am not going to avoid all the uncomfortable conversations.

If what you are all thinking is true I may only hear the 'truth' when it's clear I am not going to allow him to be dependent on me for everything.

So, starting from the position of "we both have a strong sense of family values"

moving along via "His views on family are more about gender roles I guess"

taking in on the side that he is currently camping out at yours with occasional voluntary contributions to the catering

we arrive, without too much of a stretch, at a man who believes it is the role of women to provide him with a comfortable life. Of course I could be wrong but... no. No, I'm not.

I think I started the thread, yes, because I am so anxious and because I am losing respect for him. I'd never normally share something like this.

Thank you.

Good luck OP. Re-read all this if you return to your people-pleasing ways. It's easy to do - I do that.

Happy Christmas

That's good OP, you deserve better than this. Just don't worry too much about hurting him, because I suspect he wouldn't afford you the same courtesy!

OP, nobody thinks you are stupid. Hell, I was with a man like this for seven years and I have a Mensa-level IQ. It's absolutely not about you being stupid, but about him worming his way in gradually until you can't think straight any more.

The reason she is getting more equity and he is getting the debt. Because he is a cocklodger and the debt is his.
And she managed to have plenty of paper evidence to back her up.

No I can't think straight. I've been thinking I'm being disrespectful and he is so caring that I'm unfairly judging him.

but apparently not.

That's what happens on MN, OP. It happened to me. It's a shock isn't it, when there's a message consensus of opinion that goes against what you thought before?

That's the beauty of MN!!

massive not message

Why are you being disrespectful, OP?

In what way is he caring?

I don't think you're judging him unfairly. In fact I think quite the opposite.

I hope you get some answers OP but more than that I hope you end it with him as I get a really bad feeling about this one.
Even if you don't get any answers you know that he moved in without your invitation and without being entirely open and honest about it and is now living off you and actively avoiding doing any work which would allow him to contribute.