If you grew up with warring parents who stayed together....

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

... how would you say - positively or negatively - it has gone on to affect your life? Do you wish they'd split or are you grateful they stuck it out?

Just that really. We don't have many terms of reference as kids but we can look back from an adult perspective and judge how wise the idea of 'staying together for the kids' actually was.

Shit, that was long, so sorry!

My parents are still together - 43 years married. I grew up hating my father, because he was a bully and later on, resented my mother for never standing up to him. My mum is so subservient to him, defers to him for decisions, and never steps in to tell him he is being a bastard. He cheated on her, yet felt the need to confess all, putting her through hell, yet she still stayed with him because he made her think she couldn't cope without him. Even now, she doesn't like certain things he does/says, yet won't ever challenge him on them. My dad destroyed my self worth/confidence/self esteem over my entire childhood. The only times I was not on the receiving end of some put down/insult/screamed orders was when he worked abroad at different times. I can vividly remember desparately hoping they would divorce, even though I knew of kids whose parents had divorced and it was always seen as a bad thing for them. There are a few things that stand out in my memory - one was being ordered to weed the front garden while he was at work 'or else'. I was utterly terrified of what he would do, so even though it was pissing down, I weeded the garden. Neighbours thought I was mental to be gardening on such an awful day. To this day, I cannot stand gardening. Cruel/unusual punishments, engineered to cause the maximum pain/suffering - being a parent now myself, I know how inappropriate and cruel his actions were while my mum stood by and let him do it. That realisation has caused me so much heartache, realising how bad that stuff was, and knowing my mum stood by and let it happen. That has damaged our relationship, when previously we were so close. My smile irritated him. I was called all manor of 'bitches' throughout my childhood, and my mum never told him not to speak to me like that. Much later on, my brother got engaged, and my dad thought he was funny in calling his fiance some sort of 'bitch'. She did not take kindly to that, her dad went mental and threatened to 'batter' him, he went grovelling with an apology and then all was well. I can remember thinking 'no one ever stood up for me when I was being insulted like that'.

My dad is an abusive, controlling, fucked up individual who made sure I never stood a chance of making the most of what I had. I've done OK overall, in spite of his efforts, but I do resent the fact that because I have no self belief and no one to lean on, I always seem to fall short when I want to move on with my ambitions. I am working on that slowly, but it takes a lot to undo nearly 40 years of being told you are nothing but a little bitch and you won't amount to anything.

I pity my mum as I know she would have a fab life without him, and it pains me to know that the reason she won't leave him is he's convinced her that she needs him, and that only he can help her with anything she needs help with. The truth is he would be lost without her, she does everything for him, and she's more capable and stonger that he ever has been. If it came down to who would fare best, no question it would be my mum, and yet she doesn't see it at all. I also resent the fact that I had to be the one who stood up to him, and even now I still feel the repercussions of having done that. All I ever wanted was my mum to stand up for me, to tell him he was being a bastard, and to leave him for her sake as well as mine. It took a break down, counselling and therapy for me to get to the point of standing up to him, and for a while I felt fantastic. But, as he's been good at all his life, he slowly chips away at others' strengths, and now I'm the 'family outcast' as all my wider family will happily spend time in their company, and pretend I don't exist.

If I sound bitter, it's because I am. I don't have a family I can lean on/rely on, and it's all down to him and his manipulation, bullying and intimidation, yet he paints me as an awful person. The most painful part is people believe him, and think the worst of me because he is so good at twisting things round to make him seem reasonable. That is hard to deal with at times, especially when I stuggle and need someone to lean on. The rage I feel at those times is overwhelming, and pretty much stems from a childhood spent watching my mum be walked all over by the same bully who made my life hell.

When I was little it was my biggest fear that my parents would split up. They were always arguing and didn't even sit in the same room together etc.

Now that I'm older I wished they had just split up. They did for a bit, when I was a baby, but got back together but they would have been better staying apart, TBH.

My Dad died of cancer when I was 13 and while he was ill they were quite loving towards each other. My mum was his carer.
When he died my mum was devastated but now that the grieving period is over my mum doesn't miss him that much anymore. She says he made her life a misery, which I can see. It's tainted his memory a bit, which is sad because he wasn't a bad person just probably suffering from depression. It's a shame.

Cogito no DV, alcoholism etc in my family just lots of arguing which only involved us DC as we could hear them shouting. My sister has MH issues and was always very sensitive to the shouting whereas it went a bit over my head really and I would just think oh FGS just grow up! DH on the other hand hated his parents arguing and used to cry when he heard them. Overall it was far better for our family to stay together and I think the reason they didn't separate was generational ie they are now in their 80's and not part of the generation for whom divorce was normal

I hated growing up in a single parent household and thought life would be so much nicer if we were a nuclear family with a car, colour TV and orange squash in the cupboard like everyone else I knew.

As an adult now I can see my situation was for the best but I have had issues which its taken me years to address and honestly I think stem from my childhood.

XH grew up in a loving environment, his parents madly in love stable home etc but he is fairly screwed up.

I dont know but reading this thread is making me feel for all the drawbacks and the chopped up way my DC have lived these past 3 years with the one night a week /every other weekend thing maybe it is for the best our marriage ended

It feels like you cant win either way

My parents have been married for 40 years and honestly I don't thi k they've liked eachother for 35 of them!

There was/is no DV or abuse but the low level bickering, sniping, silences, muttering under the breath.... Over the years they have frequently told me seperately how much they want to leave etc etc but it never happens.

It's so stressful to be around them, the constant digs and comments drive me crazy. Especially now I have my own DCs as I don't want them to be around that kind of relationship.

I have no respect for them really, I care about them but I just don't want to hear it anymore. They also do the passive aggressive thing with me and my siblings and fall into the typical middle class stereotype of caring more about what the neighbours think than their own family. I've never been told I was loved or proud of, I think their feelings towards eachother clouded their feelings to everything else, so much bitter resentment.

For me I'm lucky, I met my DH when I was 19 and my PIL treated me as their own from day 1, total unconditional love and support. They have a great relationship and seeing them and how DH was really helped me. 12.5 years on me and DH are very happy and my ILs still are just amazing.

My brother and sister suffered more, a string of failed relationships behind them. They're now settled (ish) - but my brother doesn't always treat his wife well at all, I see a lot of my Dad on him. My sister has struggled emotionally and is now in a relationship with a man my dads age. The age gap isn't a problem as such but she has conflicting feelings about it sometimes.

It has taught me lots in terms of what not to do to my DCs, that bringing them up in an unhappy home is not the right thing to do.

Very positive - from a relatively early age, I knew what to avoid. When I found myself getting arguementative and overly critical in my relationship, I knew the signs and was able to take steps to address it and stop. As a result, I've always been drawn to calm, slightly quiet, decent men and have been in a stable relationship for 15 years.

I read a thread on here once where the OP was agonising that she did not want her children to be from a broken home, and another poster said it was better to be from a broken home than grow up in one. That summed it up exactly for me.

Bunch :(

I'm sure some of you are my siblings! My parents are in their 80s but I really wish they'd gotten divorced when I was younger. Even now my mother bullies my dad, but he believes he should stay because he made a vow.

No DV or alcoholism, but just arguing constantly (well, Mum complaining about Dad and Dad trying to please her, even just typing this is making me cry again ) and Mum threatening to leave. As a young child I remember that not scaring me, just curious about it, almost excited.

I now live on the other side of the world. I am fucked up wrt relationships. I'm single and childless and can't imagine believing that anyone would love me enough to stay with me. I also bite my nails very badly and have general anxiety and lack of confidence. I'm successful on the outside but not at all on the inside.

So nothing serious, but I know it's held me back and I still regularly wish Dad would have the guts to leave her. Even after 57 years.

Namington- your post gave me chills. I could have written that- right down to my mum telling me she was going to leave my dad and picking out a house. She never did- he had a nervous breakdown and then SHE had one...

And yes, I have always been the weird over sensitive one who can't take a joke...

Mum stayed for 10 years through horrific DV. It has seriously fucked up my MH. I never saw my father again which was just dandy as far as I was concerned. Always LTB if he is any kind of abusive. You can choose, your kids cannot.

Oh Christ! where do I start? Mine shouldn't have been together for 1 week
DM met stepf when I was 2 and they remained intent on destroying each other together until I was 27, during which time my 3 siblings were born.

We've all had problems growing up and well into adulthood, I'll speak just about my own problems/feelings: Anxiety, severe depression, nervousness, difficulty forming and maintaining relationships, emotional numbness, never feeling loved or supported. I was SA when I was young from a young age until I was 11/12 (another family member) and even then I knew I couldn't go to either of them about it so locked it inside myself as I knew they'd probably both blame each other and probably enjoy doing so.

There was alcohol abuse, DV and affairs on both sides, they'd argue and fight without drinking but mostly it was alcohol induced. If there wasn't arguing there was ice cold silence between them - a competition to see who would break first, it could go on for weeks (the drunken stuff would restart once the pub had been visited but back to quiet the next morning) it was so confusing to the 4 of us who were wandering around wondering wtf mood we'd come downstairs to. As I was a fair bit older I'd try to ensure the others had food, clean clothes and got to school on time, often having to make myself late so I could take the youngest to school.
I hated xmas as a child - I learnt very early it was another excuse for yet more alcohol and spent all the ones I do remember on egg shells, watching other famillies enjoying it all.
Oh there was periods of kicking out when he wouldn't get a job, we'd all breathe a huge relief - only for him to be allowed back when he'd found short lived work. And so it would continue.
I always swore I'd be out of there at 16 and the first chance I got I was gone - with a controlling, bullying fuckwit, 10 plus years my senior who I shouldn't have been with. (Who after 16 years I managed to be rid of)
I took the others out of there as much as I could but ultimately had to keep taking them back to mayhem :( They still behaved like before until my mum finally left (after finding someone else)
The relationship I have with her is still almost reversed as in I'm the mother she's the child.
I absolutely don't respect any advice she's ever given me on relationships/children - believe me she tries to
I don't have contact with him, siblings still do but not me - that's a whole other fecked up story though.

Reading all your posts has been a real eye-opener - I could have written bits of all of them, and some of them I could have written almost word for word.

My parents' relationship was never violent but they haven't been happy for at least 20 years. My dad could certainly be accused of emotional abuse at times, but my mum gives as good as she gets. I am constantly on eggshells as they both overrreact to each other's comments and as a result there is a constant tense atmosphere. In my adult life I have never pulled them up on it but it does make me think twice about visiting, because I cannot relax around them. My brother and I have both had breakdowns of sorts, anxiety issues (my brother is not working, hasn't been for several years now), depression. My dad has clinical depression and if his AD dose isn't right everyone suffers.

Neither of their parents' relationships were great, and it feels like that's been handed down the generations. I once said to them that they should split, but they stayed together. Then my dad had an affair and moved out briefly, but had a breakdown, got sectioned and made several suicide attempts around the same time, so the affair was lost in all that. I don't know if they ever went to relate; I doubt it. I still have no idea if anyone else in the family knows about that time.

I loathe the constant bickering, the shitty comments from my dad towards my mum, her blaming him for things that are quite unreasonable (I pulled her up on this earlier) or expecting him to be fucking psychic or something. I left my recent ex because his behaviour towards me was so similar to that of my dad towards my mother, and I (with the help of you ladies here) finally realised that this was not a healthy relationship and I would be better off alone. I would rather be single than in another relationship like that, and it has been an eye-opener about my previous dalliances too. I'm rebuilding my self-confidence but I am a people pleaser, hate conflict and am not in the least assertive. I can't deal with arguments and end up taking the blame to resolve the issue and then get really resentful and bitter. I'm generally a happy person but there are definitely a lot of unresolved issues there.

It is genuinely a huge relief (although also desperately sad) to know that I am not alone :)

I wished mine had split. They finally divorced when I was 18, and haven't spoken since. They were incredibly acrimonious and angry, having moved to separate bedrooms during my dad's affairs when I was about 5, they argued daily (or silent treatment) and their blatent disrespect and dislike of each other made any family time very unpleasant and tense. I think it's probably part of why I'm a people pleaser/need to be liked, struggle with critisism or injustice, and am currently separating from my dc's dad - I can't bear for people to think badly of each other and I don't want to end up in a relationship filled with bitter resentment. I'm not blaming them for my behaviour, just speculating in response to how it may have affected me.

Cognito, I grew up in an atmosphere of sniping and knocking of self esteem. They took such pleasure in each others bad luck.
Df began drinking heavily. He was a horrible shouty drunk and they used to shout at each other. I hated bedtime, hated getting up and smelling the beer, hated coming home form school to find the misery, hated going to school as I was so tired from being kept awake crying.

Dm said she couldn't leave him as he might burn the house down, wouldn't cope without her, he bought all my pets /toys and I would have to get rid if we left..
she had loads of excuses. No one ever asked my dad. I knew nothing about him. He was like stranger to me who happened to live in the same house.

I remember being at a friends and her dad was there ( I was around 13) and I was really uncomfortable with him just joining in with family life a normal man- I asked when he would be going out and was horrified when her mum said " go where?" and they all looked puzzled.

It was generally considered within my family I wouldn't marry and have dc as growing up with them would have put me off forever hahahha. Yes, hilarious:(

They should have split. Later, when they were really old They rewrote history for each other and it was sickening listening to their Brady Bunch memories. I used to beg to go to boarding school. They could have afforded it. They preferred me at home.

Yes, I would say its affected me. I have no idea how to argue, just shout, I avoid confrontation unless I get very worked up, and I have no measure for Normal male behaviour. I was terrified to have a boyfriend for years ask was terrified I would get pregnant and have to marry him. I was told and believed marriage was for ever and you could not split up.

I Am not very good at friends either, as I didn't have any when a teenager as a) other parents didn't like mine and I couldn't invite people. B) I was so tired and unhappy at school no one came near me.

I wish I had had a pastoral help or something when younger. It took me about 10 years to get in a position I should, have been emotionally at 18. Maybe more. I left home at 16. I'm a bit upset now and I might not come back to this thread, so happy days your way.

I left home at 16 with the first unsuitable man who came along.

I think this is a very common theme for women who have experienced dysfunction in their own parents relationships. I think it is equally or more common though, in women whose parents have not stayed together, and those who have witnessed a string of unsatisfactory relationships with their mother (as I did.) I spent most of my childhood acting as listener/counsellor to my mother, who never got over my father leaving us for someone else, and as a result I felt rejected and substandard and unlovable.

The motivation is the same though, whatever the circumstances at home - to prove that you can do it differently and make someone love you, and stick around. Sadly, though it is rarely the case, at least not at the first attempt.

Even more scary is the young woman who has a child far too young and with a completely unsuitable man, in the blinkered belief that she can change him if she loves him enough. She wants to provide a child with the perfect example of stability and family harmony that she didn't have. Sadly though, despite her best intentions she often recreates the same situation she grew up with, because she chose the wrong man and the wrong time. Either is tough, both is impossible. And women know this, yet they do it again and again.

I think women who have witnessed happy, loving, mutually respectful long-lasting partnerships between their parents are the ones who grow up with the greatest sense of self worth and self esteem, and who don't need to saddle themselves to the first available, useless bloke just to be able to say they have someone. They are the ones who have faith that a really good man who is worthy of them will be along eventually, and they are not afraid to be alone in the meantime. Those women are blessed.

My parents got on ok but my mother left about five minutes after I finished my last A level. My dad immediately got together with someone who, and I don't say this lightly, hated me. What life would've been like if that had happened when I was 8 rather than 18 is grim. Of course i'm not suggesting she shouldn't have done what she thought best, and I never noticed any terrible fights.

When I left at 16, I was supposed to be doing a levels and expected to go to uni with physics. I couldn't bear the thought of living at home for another 2 years so I sorted myself a live in job at the other end of the country. Left a few days after leaving school. Didn't tell anyone til I was there.

So thankful I didn't get boys then and had no interest in being rescued. Too ashamed for a bf to come round my house and way too uncool to get invited to any dodgy parties to meet boys/ men. Didn't smoke, drink, swear... I was very dull and very much a Grey man. ( woman).

In a way it ruined a potiential career too, as it took at least 12-15 years to get to where I should have been at 21-22.

The Internet and mn would have made a big difference I think, if I had been clever enough at that age to use it.

Part of me thinks I'm glad. I had a secure childhood, didn't realise the extent of the unhappiness till later. I'm glad I didn't have two homes, etc.

But sadly I think a lot of my marriage has been influenced by my childhood.

I grew up with arguing parents. They constantly argued since I could remember. The effect of their fighting on me is profound. I was very depressed, shamed, and scared all the time. I could not invite my friends to my home because I do not know when they would start fight. They also throw cups and plates on the floor. Sometimes, my mom would cry through dinner or lunch and did not cook for me.

I want to form a support group to talk about these past expereinces and hopefully I can get some closure from the horrible expereince I had

Like so many others here, I grew up in a family destroyed by alcoholism (dad) and domestic violence. My dad was, and is, a cunt. No other way to describe it, really. I think my mum had the potential to be a nice person, but dad turned her into a women who lied and became quite selfish. Dad would always be at the pub, come home and hit mum, destroy the house, wreck furniture. He would invite friends home and they would end up in fist fights - seeing your dad beat someone unconscious on your front porch is possibly not a great memory for a child. I was only ever hit a couple of times, but I was always teased. I was always ten-tonne Tessie. I was big as a kid, I slimmed down in my 20s and 30s, but the affect on my self esteem was massive. I am angry that I didn't move out sooner (I was 21). Two reasons I guess, I didn't have the confidence. Mum and dad just mumbled through life (constant money problems, eventual bankruptcy, hiding from bailiffs etc). And I had much younger siblings I felt I needed to protect.

Mum constantly 'borrowed' money from me. She took my last few hundred dollars from me the day I moved overseas. She constantly lied. She was unable to clean the house (this sentence fills the feminist me with dread) we grew up in a filthy house, we didn't always have beds, mattresses dirty. As my three brothers got older, there were fist fights with my dad. Though the usual tactic when he went off was to leave the house and run away for a few hours.

I'm interested to know what others think. But when I had children (oldest dd is 6), I started to get very angry with my mum allowing us to be brought up in such a house. My hostility to her has grown, she blinds it all and thinks we had a nice enough upbringing, though would say dad had a bad effect.

Like others mention, I and my siblings have MH issues. I am the most 'normal'. I went to uni and got decent jobs, brought my own flat before I met dh. I found becoming a mum has made me reconfront my upbringing in a way I never expected. I used to be just glad that I had got away, now I cannot imagine how my parents could have done that to us.

Dad had constant affairs. I remember reading one letter from a women he had an affair with, she threatened to put a bomb under the house and blow us all up. Certain things stick out in my mind like when my dad pretended to hold a gun to my brother and my head and shoot us. Our crime? We were half Australian half Irish, not 100 per cent Irish. I constantly wished he would die. Even now, I've always demanded boyfriends do not come home late when I am in bed and walk around in their shoes. The sound of shoes on wooden floorboards scares me.

Ultimately, my parents have managed to fuck up five more lives (mine and my four siblings) along with their own. My younger sister tried to take her life this year. She is a stripper, has breast implants - self esteem issues??? Her and I are really quite useless without a partner, she got a boyfriend a few months ago and her MH has improved, though superficially I imagine. two brothers still live with my parents. One is schizophrenic, after about 15 years of being unable to work, his medication has reduced a lot of his symptoms and he is able to work. Icannot break contact with my parents because of these brothers, but I do live on the other side of the world.

Jesus imip that is horrendous. Stories like yours make me so angry, and unfortunately I am of the very hard-line school of thought that some people should have their children forcibly removed with no second chances and then be forcibly sterilized. They can fuck up their own sad, seedy, violent lives if they so wish, but how dare they take so many innocent children down into that vile cesspit with them? I know these things go in unhappy cycles and they were probably the victims of abuse themselves, but I DON"T CARE. Too much compassion for things that have gone before only enables and perpetuates the cycle, and it needs to be stopped. I think so many people's awful MH problems can be put down to dysfunctional early childhoods.

I don't have a horrific story like lots of people on this thread, who have clearly had an appalling, scarring time.

My parents split up when I was 12. I was furious and devastated at the time and for most of my teens (my mum was also long term ill so I felt I had to care for her). My dad was eternally unfaithful and basically never did anything at home - no DV but it destroyed my mum's confidence totally. He was very cruel to my mum at the worst time of her life while she was very ill.

It was definitely the right thing to split up. I don't know whether my dad is happier or not as he's not good at discussing feelings. But he seems happy enough with his girlfriend.

And my mum is definitely better off without my dad and has since remarried a man with whom she is very happy. She is still very anxious but has gradually become so much happier, it's lovely.

I think it had a big impact when I was younger. I went out with men who were the opposite of my dad who I could walk all over. Then I worried that I was becoming my dad.

And then I met my DH who is challenging, annoying and sometimes difficult. He is also an amazing parent who adores his son and doesn't slack off at home. He keeps me on my toes but reassures me. Being with him and his faith that we will be together forever and share our lives has helped me put to rest my issues about my parents' marriage.

And if we no longer get on at any point, we will split up as I don't personally believe that children seeing an unhappy relationship does anyone any favours.

So I think really that my parents splitting up was the best thing that could have happened even though I was angry/upset for a very long time. The alternative would have been worse.

Inip, your upbringing was worse than mine but similar in many ways. It's very, very similar to my father's. My fear was that I might grow to be like my father but that has not happened. I find myself hyper vigilant with men - any hint of too much drinking/or other addiction and/or aggression or violence and I'm gone.

I think I may be much older than you (I am 47). I hope I am because I've found it easier to deal with things as I've got older. Grown to like/love myself and be more accepting of the things that made me who I am. I hope this comes to you sooner than it did for me. ((hug))