If you grew up with warring parents who stayed together....

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

... how would you say - positively or negatively - it has gone on to affect your life? Do you wish they'd split or are you grateful they stuck it out?

Just that really. We don't have many terms of reference as kids but we can look back from an adult perspective and judge how wise the idea of 'staying together for the kids' actually was.

[purplewithred]

Low level but constant bickering, Atmosphere and dutiful resentment with an icing of financial insecurity.

Left me with very low expectations of men and marriage which I carefully replicated in my own marriage.

If they had split would it have been better or worse? I have no idea - it would depend on what replaced it. If my parents had just gone on to repeat the same pattern again with new partners then it would have been worse than if they'd stayed together. If they found healthy new relationships then better. I suspect.

[cronullansw]

Those parents who warred should look at themselves and accept their mistake.

I'm always here saying parents should stay with the kids, as that is their No 1 function, to provide for, care for, to nurture. So what if you don't like the noise DP makes when they chew their yoghurt/whatever, that is immaterial to your No 1 function.

You life is over as being first pick or even second pick in the ''what shall I do today stakes'', you are a parent.

Kids DO take the negatives of domestic troubles onto themselves, they take sides, they try to break up fights, it affects them. And as for the claims that it's perfectly acceptable to have two parents, living apart, sharing parenting blah blah, thats rubbish - the parents should be at home, together, looking after the kids and putting aside their trivial, pathetic little problems to look after the kids.

I'd guess this is anti feminist, but it's my belief.

And I speak as one who was brought up with a parent missing and a succession of temporary replacements.

My DP get's on my nerves occasionally, I've discreetly, a long time ago, strayed from the marital bed. Yet our child is with both his parents, being brought up in a loving happy home, and we have a loving happy kid. My brothers SWT wife left him for another man, (well, several other men. In fact, a constant, never ending stream of other men, sometimes even in small groups), and the daughters aren't best friends with darling mummy these days.

[RubyrooUK]

Cronulla, the way I chew does annoy my DH. That's not a reason he would leave me. That isn't even remotely comparable with domestic violence, abuse or even just someone destroying a person's confidence and self esteem.

I am glad my parents split up. They are happier and my mum and I are exceptionally close. I think she is one of the most amazing people on the planet.

Sometimes the selfish thing to do is to show your child you will settle for an unhappy relationship. I'd rather my son knew that a real partner in life is supportive, fun and helps you tackle your problems.

Plus I am now lucky enough to have a big extended step family which has brought me masses of joy. So there isn't only one answer - parents stay together. You have to do your best, that's all.

[Procrastinating]

There was dv with mine, but I was not aware of until I was an adult. I used to believe the stories about my mother's injuries. What I remember is the shouting. Like others here, it was worse on special occasions would often go on all night.
I still have a jolt of fear if I hear a raised voice and have very few happy memories of childhood. I used to sit on the stairs and hear the shouting, sometimes I would go and beg them to stop but they both shouted at me. Even when there was no arguing the threat of it would be there. I was very lonely and anxious and that feeling has stayed with me.

On the positive side for me it has meant that I could identify an abusive man a mile off, I have never had a bad relationship and I don't think that was just luck.

[coffeeinbed]

If I had a penny for every time my mum said "I'm going to leave your father, I've had it. I'm packing my bags" or after every screaming argument about money - my dad is spectacularly useless with it, I'd be richer than the Queen.
But she didn't.
It left me with absolutely no idea what a healthy relationship is like and just how this mutually respecting malarkey works.

[sweetkitty]

Oh this thread is so familiar. My Dad is teetotal but he was never around, he went to work, came home had his dinner then went out to work again, except he wasn't working he was probably drinking tea and chatting. I can't remember him being at home for a full day including weekends. When he was there all he and my Mother did was argue, scream at each other, throw things, occasion DV. Dad would buy my Mother alcohol and she would sit and drink it on her own whilst he was out, then she would be pissed when he came back. Money was v tight it shouldn't have been but my Dad undercharged for jobs and took 3 times as long to do them, they were crap with money, we would always be in arrears and I would be sent on the borrow. I never knew Dads stayed at home in the evenings and weekends.

My mother totally resented me I think she's a narc and I'm the black sheep with my brother as the golden child. She was very lazy, house was always dirty, she slept a lot and was emotionally abusive to me.

Thy split up when I was 16, she had a suicide attempt (although it wasn't apparently even though she wrote me a note) they got back together finally splitting up when I was 19. She was horrific to me after that I left home at 20.

I've suffered depression and anxiety in my adult life, I cling to DP too much. I still see my Dad, haven't spoken to my Mum in 4 years.

[blueshoes]

Cognito, my parents had an unhappy marriage due to intellectual incompatibility. They married after a whirlwind courtship. My father had affairs and was out of the house a lot for work/golf/leisure.

Therefore, there wasn't much tension at home. I would not have known about the affairs if my mother did not tell me when I was around 11. My mother was unhappy but made it clear that this would not split up the family (and neither would my father despite his infidelities).

I am very grateful they stayed together for our childhood, which was secure and not wanting materially. It was the best thing they did for me and my siblings IMO. Emotionally, they did not provide much support but that was more to do with their personality than the dysfunctional marriage.

Relationship-wise, I have trust issues with men (because of my father's affairs). I would never consider a man like my father for a life partner. I married a gentle and reliable man after spending time to due diligence him properly. All my siblings married late and well.

My parents' dysfunctional marriage taught us to take our time before committing to the right person.

[Feckthehalls]

Most people here seem to be describing childhoods with obvious, traumatic conflict between parents . They are glad they split up, or wish they had.

None of that surprises me really.

Blueshoes your contribution is very interesting. No obvious conflict, yet they were not happy together and you are glad they did not split up.

Food for thought for me !

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Definitely a negative thing for them to stay together.

By the age of 11 I was regularly asking them to get a divorce.

Never had blazing rows, but the passive aggression was breath-taking

Plus the fact I had to listen about the others affairs from both of them. Gave me a pretty warped sense of a 'normal' relationship and had a couple of disasters that mimicked theirs.

Thankfully broke the cycle and have a long term normal relationship now

[imip]

Thanks belle . I am not that far behind you actually. I am 41, however I had four children (actually five, my first dd was stillborn almost seven years ago), in pretty quick succession, so I guess I realised this all later than others. I thought I'd come to terms with my childhood, but seeing how innocent my children are, and actually, how scared my oldest daughter became of me one day when I got really mad at her, made me revisit it all again. I got cross at dd and shouted at her, not great, but it happens, and she was so scared.

I always thought myself and my siblings would avoid addiction. In my 'prime' I had my fair share of drugs and alcohol without getting addicted, all recreational. Was gutted when my sister tried to overdose earlier this year that she was also an alcoholic. I thought we knew better

[gobblegobs]

This thread has been an opportunity fir introspection. I grew up abroad in a culture which prides itself on strong family ties(ha!).
My parents argued constantly, occasional physical violence. Staying together for us was the honourable thing to do, the ultimate sacrifice.

The biggest impact it had on me was that I had no 'safe' place....place of unconditional warmth and security I could retreat to when going got tough! We were sent to best boarding schools, never wanted for anything materially and much much loved by our parents. Despite this their relationship left me longing for a positive role model fir a marriage.

Result: I was always looking for the security. Married early to the wrong man, got involved with a married one as was going through a divorce (re divorce- one understood why I could not accept the finality of a marriage and accept my lot in life). I feel regret at getting married and immeasurable guilt for the affair. corollary to my parents
However have been given a second chance in life.Loving husband and a beautiful son. If I can provide my son with that safe place in life in our home, my life's work would be complete.

[gobblegobs]

Sorry for typos. Posting from the phone

[gobblegobs]

Looming over my rumbling message realised never answered your question, cogito.
It definitely negatively impacted my relationships, thought they are offended if DB or I date suggest that.

Should they have split up? Hard to say considering the financial implications in times when alimony and maintenance were not well defined.
Amazingly, DF has plunged into depression since DM's demise a year ago. Constantly watches pictures and movies of their time together, talks incessantly of her, become a recluse. Some mysteries will never be resolved!

[smileyforest]

Oh yes...my parents marriage unhappy....I ended up marrying too young first time....(thats what my Mum did)...that ended and then married a man so completely different..but ended up to be abusive....now with great man...and Mum is jealous.....because he treats me lovingly and with respect...Mum has always wanted to leave my Dad....they bicker and argue....but actually think they are 'great together'...they are very selfish...not interested in anything I've done...never been active grandparents.....I have struggled with relationships....I do put most of the blame on a stressful childhood!

[aroomofherown]

See, I did the opposite - never married. Escaped to another county and to being a recluse.

[BelleDameSousMistletoe]

imip just ((hugs)) again. x

[Ifyoulike]

My father was unpredictably violent, self-absorbed, and extremely controlling (removing all light bulbs from sockets, turning water and heat off to 'punish' the whole household as an example).

My mother withdrew into a deep depression in her bedroom and hardly ever came out, leaving us children to raise ourselves and duck and dodge our father's insane tempers.

Neither of them worked, all of us children were homeschooled, so the house was a 24/7 pressure cooker.

I used to beg my mother to leave him, as everyone in the house was utterly miserable, and she used to say she was waiting for the youngest kids to grow up. I feel guilty for it, but I hated her so much for that, almost more than I hated him (and I'm another who used to fantasize about stabbing him, just to save us all).

After approximately 20 years of that misery (and after I'd left home), she did leave him.

The children who were raised within the marriage (including myself) = breakdowns, hospitalisations, self-harm, suicide attempts, substance abuse, terrible relationships.

The children who were mainly raised after the split-up = happy, confident, sociable, generally thriving, affectionate relationships

The difference between the two groups of siblings is extreme, and based on my experience at least, I would never stay in an unhealthy relationship "for the children's sakes". It was so soul-destroying, and not only do I still harbour a lot of hidden rage against my mother for not protecting us, I have a hell of a lot of self-hatred for being the 'reason' she stayed.

[dondon33]

imip I can identify with so much that you wrote

The 'lying in bed listening to the footsteps' has just jolted my memory as well as my stomach. I also get cold shivers if I see someone do the 'drunk' thing with their hands - like wringing their hands over and over, my SF used to do it constantly when pissed, usually while he was verbally obliterating my dm or one of us.

I also fully realised and understood the severity of my childhood AFTER I had my own DC and I hated especially Dm for that.

We also have to suffer the complete and utter fabricated and false account of their version of our 'happy' childhood. It's like they've blocked out the reality and instead installed in their own brain, some fucked up version of Mary Poppins - none of us accept this/we all remember the truth.

I'm sorry about your siblings, it's awful and unfair. From 4 of us- there's only one that lives relatively close and that's only because of the type of job that sibling does.

[Signet2012]

Mine divorced when I was 16. I wish they had done so years earlier. Infact when they told me I actually said to them about time!!

There wasn't any abuse so to speak just very angry lots of shouting smashing things etc

It has took me til 30 years old to realise its not normal to argue like that and dp has shown me the best way to communicate. My ex and I pretty much mirrored my parents relationship.

[RockinD]

My parents married in 1940, when my mother was 19 and my Dad was on a three day leave from the army. They basically didn't see each other again until he was demobbed in 1947 and from then on they made the best of it. Their marriage broke down completely in 1961, but they stayed together until my father died in 1993.

I was their only child conceived by accident in 1955. My mother, aided and abetted by my grandmother, tried to abort me, but it didn't work and she was stuck with a child she did not want and neither her or my Dad knew how to care for. She blamed me, very vocally, for the breakdown of the marriage and I carried that guilt into adult life.

After the breakdown, my Dad basically made himself scarce and I brought myself up. There was no support from the family - he had none anyway - and my mother was agoraphobic, OCD, anxiety, depression etc, and completely untreated. She was physically and verbally abusive to me until she stopped all contact with me when I was 33. My father never did anything to defend me.

The damage to me is incalculable. First husband violent, second husband gay, then a long relationship with a violent, abusive, alcohol dependent. I am very lucky to have found my current husband, but I find it almost impossible to let myself be loved and that causes problems between us.

Somehow, despite this, I have reared two happy, secure and confident children. I think that is primarily because I did not stay with their father.

[wonkylegs]

Mine stayed together throughout my childhood (& my 3 siblings) and finally announced they were getting divorced within days of me announcing I was getting married.
Frankly divorce was the best thing ever for our family, together they made selfish & sometimes downright awful parents / human beings. As the oldest I often bore the brunt of some pretty nasty behaviour and it made for a miserable childhood for me, my brother has serious issues to although the youngest two were somewhat sheltered by us.

Since they've split I like them a whole lot more & they have become nicer to everyone. My dad has a new partner & has a new lease of life, he's a joy to be around.
I still can't forgive them for some of the stuff they put us through but I can get on with them now as individuals

[caramal]

My parents were together for 17 years.. 5 of those was arguments, tension, bickering and making us kids choose sides..awful. Best thing they did was divorce.

IMO staying together for the kids sake when the love is gone/can't stand the sight of one another is never going to work

[OnaPromise]

Mine didn't fight too much but as others have described there was a constant, bleak, tension in the house. It was so depressing. In fact everyone probably was depressed, including myself I now realise.

They did it for what they thought were the right reasons, but I've always thought that everyone would have been much happier if they'd split earlier.

I, too, legged it as soon as I could, but luckily for me I had the option of leaving for uni.

My mum left soon after but died only a couple of years later - something I felt sad and guilty about for years because she was just starting to enjoy herself again.

I think it made me into an anxious child, and more of an anxious adult than i could have been. Yes, and desperate to create an affectionate relationship, that rings very true.

[OnaPromise]

There are some sad past histories on this thread. I hope people at least feel a bit of catharsis by writing it down.

[domesticgodless]

Thank you for this thread from the bottom of my heart. I really mean it.

I remember telling a doctor once that everyone in my family was depressed and him laughing in my face (he was a real wanker). It was totally true. My mother ruled the household with hysteria, pointless anxiety and verbal attacks. My father enabled her by plodding around like Lurch from the Addams family serving her drinks and flinching when she abused him, which was often.

Some people are natural slaves and enablers. They take pride in serving an abuser and protesting their love constantly. It used to make me sick to hear my dad talking about what an adoring devoted husband he was and everyone who met my mum and dad telling me what a 'lovely couple' they were and how much my father must love her. I used to pray he'd just stand up to her one time, tell her to stop being such a miserable cow and making us all miserable. But he wanted to keep her a child so he could fulfil whatever sick role he had drawn up for himself.

I was her favourite target as the eldest child and he never stood up to her once. Rather he would turn on me because I wasn't enabling her the way he was.

I remember one Christmas when my sister and I were both adults, our mother threw some stupid strop and walked out of the house. He stayed and we both tackled him about why he allowed her to behave like this and always had. You should have seen his face. Outrage at us for questioningg She Who Must Be Enabled alongside fear and shame because he knew we were too old to take the crap any more.

They remain a 'devoted' couple but radiate anxiety and depression. I'm staying with them now and the atmosphere is awful. As for me I think I became something of an abuser like her- having married a 'safe' man I didn't really love and feeling deeply angry and frustrated. I've been diagnosed since with bipolar disorder which is partly ggenetic I'm sure but partly also to do with growing up in that awful, deadening, abusive atmosphere where bizarre behaviour was rewarded with devotion and feelings were denied and twisted all the time.

Having read this thread I realise leaving my unloving relationship was the right thing to do and my sons will benefit from it. Although I miss the stability and my ex's friendship and I've been very depressed since the split feeling I should not have had a family as I just spoilt their lives. I've always told them the truth as far as I can about why we split and as they get older I will be more honest with them. I told them I still liked daddy but we were fighting too much and no one wants to fight so we decided to be friends instead. Not the whole truth of course :/