If you grew up with warring parents who stayed together....

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

... how would you say - positively or negatively - it has gone on to affect your life? Do you wish they'd split or are you grateful they stuck it out?

Just that really. We don't have many terms of reference as kids but we can look back from an adult perspective and judge how wise the idea of 'staying together for the kids' actually was.

[BelleDameSousMistletoe]

I live miles from my family - three hours drive - even though my parents finally split when I was 30.

Christmas was always a really scary time and it's only since having DD that I am starting to enjoy it although I still find it a very tense time. Like I'm waiting for something awful to happen.

[FunnysFuckingFreezing]

My parents argued a lot and occasionally threw things at each other as did DH's parents. I still view my childhood as happy and accepted that that was just what parents did. The consequence has been that me and DH both make every effort to understand each others POV and rarely argue.

I am glad my parents stayed together though as it would have been much worse for us children if they hadn't. We were never caught up in the crossfire really and they were both loving parents, just couldn't get along with each other. In fact they still can't aged 84 and 87!

[OhThisIsJustGrape]

The storming off thing took me years to remove from my mindset when having a row with DH. It was just my automatic reaction to even the slightest thing. So glad he turned me around before I ever put my children through what I went through.

I was just 20 when my mother died and still in a place where I'd never really questioned why she behaved the way she did. I wish she was here now so I could have it out with her - as I said before I adored my mother and miss her every day but there is a huge amount of resentment towards her for being so fucking selfish. The insults she used to scream at our dad should never have been heard by young children, the time she told him she'd had an affair years previously (which was never mentioned again), the time she chased him around the house with a carving knife... The list goes on.

As an adult now looking back I can see very clearly that she had some serious MH issues and I know that certainly in the later years alcohol played a big part in her behaviour.

And deep down I think she just wanted my dad to stand up to her, not meekly take whatever she, quite literally at times, threw at him. I'm angry at him too for not doing something, anything, to protect us from it.

[LilyVonSchtupp]

My experience is similar to many posters here especially ArtVandelay, Muminwestlondon and BelleDame. All my siblings have MH issues, I suffer (to a lesser extent than them) from anxiety and OCD.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

Thanks for starting this cogito, I've just split up with my DD's dad, as i thought it would be best not to grow up with arguing parents.

This thread has really re-enforced the fact i made the right decision.

I was worrying i had made a mistake, so thank you all for sharing your experiences.

[LilyVonSchtupp]

Rethinking this, I'm not sure if our problems stem from the warring parents staying together or the DV, alcoholism and mental abuse from (MH affected) DF. My DM had few options, no job, no money, no family nearby to help. She did divorce him when I was nine but they did get back together for a few years until I was teenager.

DF family b/g is very abusive with depression, mental illness and violence all quite commonplace. It's probably not fair on my DM to characterise her as a warring parent. More someone who had no choices.

[Muminwestlondon]

Yes LilyVS, I think you are right. We should look at the reasons in the first place.

I think though that if my Mum had left when we were little instead of 16 and 15 we would have been a lot better off. She said it was due to having to go into B & B etc, leaving the animals but a lot of other people did it. In the end she "chose" to stay with a violent and abusive husband.

I am sure my father was abused. Sent to boarding school at 7, brought up largely by nannies or his beloved grandmother in school holidays. Both his parents were substance abusers.

My Mum has a lot of mental illness in the family. Phobias, irrational behaviour, personality disorders and schizophrenia. I can see elements of mental illness in my own behaviour and it is hard to stay on the straight and narrow sometimes. Luckily I have a very "normal" DH.

I once read that the children of alcoholics can never really relax and enjoy themselves and that is certainly the case with me.

[GrrrArghZzzzYaayforall8nights]

My earliest memory is my parents having a loud hair pulling knock out fight next to the Christmas tree on Christmas morning. My parents separated and got back together a few times before a separation when I was about 13 and divorced at 15 when my father wanted to remarry (he didn't marry that fiancee but another one 2 years later).

I never remember them being a loving couple, it was always like two individuals who happen to share a house and kids and didn't much like doing either. I don't they stayed together for us at all, I think they did it because they did it because they didn't know what else to do and all the support then was for them to stick it out. Really, there warring was the least of my problems. The major relationship problem with them was the barbed comments from them and their side of the family towards the other. As a kid stuck in the middle, you want the parent there to love you so you don't want to disagree but you want to stick up for the other one as well. To this day, I cannot insult DH in front of the kids and I do not take other people insulting DH and/or I or trying to start age inappropriate debates to them or in front of them lightly, I will shut the whole conversation down to stop it.

If I'd have had a magic divorce wand, I would have wanted them to do it when I was about 10, before we moved. We moved for a fresh start (my father had been working away from home for years so we moved closer to where he worked most of the time) and it went downhill very fast, my brother never really recovered from it and my mother's addictions got worse without the family support she had where we started. I'm not sure it would have made anything for me better - it wasn't better after they divorced for me as neither were fit to be parents alone or together - but I think it would have been better for the family as a whole not to have gone through that for the sake of wanting to make it work.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

Some of these stories are truly terrible and thanks for sharing. Is there anyone that didn't experience the more severe/extreme stuff... DV, alcoholism, psychoses, etc ... but merely endured regular rowing, sniping and general bad-tempered behaviour that wants to comment? I ask because, quite often, women on this board seem to believe that certain behaviour is not quite serious enough reason to get out and disrupt children's lives and that they should simply tolerate and put a brave face on it.

Again, from an adult's perspective looking back, how does relatively low-level unpleasantness & misery in a parental relationship affect kids?

[beckyboo232]

My parents finally divorced when I was 15-it was a massive relief. I grew up in a war zone and have no memories of a time when my parents even liked each other. I wish very much that they had split at least ten years earlier, but stayed and it turned from a situation where they were mutually pretty ambivalent but at least friendly to each other to a situation where my father ended up having multiple affairs and being violent and full of hatred in the end. It wasn't nice to grow up with.
I guess it affected me in that it made me very strong, independent and determined never to settle or stay for my children's sake. It also destroyed my relationship with my father ultimately. It has made me reluctant to trust people, my poor dh had to work very very hard at winning my friendship/trust/love.

[beckyboo232]

Cogito-most of my parents relationships was as you describe low level dislike, disrespect, day to day sniping at each other before it got bad DV affairs etc. it was horrible the consistency of it eroded my feelings and our 'family' far more than the chaotic year when they finally split did, by then the damage for me was done. It was a very screwed up view of what a relationship should be, and it did screw me up for a long while. I hesitate to blame my parents for my adult decisions but there is no doubt it did effect me. With my own dh my experiences have made me determined that it we ever go from love to toleration I would never stay.

[TheArmadillo]

My parents rarely drank (and certainly never got drunk) and although my mother has narc traits there was never any deep mental health problems or similar. They were emotionally abusive (and my father sometimes physically so towards me/sis but at a time when smacking was popular so borderline abusive behaviour).

"regular rowing, sniping and general bad-tempered behaviour" - sums up my parents relationship. There was no violence as such apart from my dad banging his fist down on stuff. They couldn't sit in the same room or have a conversation without sniping leading onto shouting. They never were physically affectionate or said sorry or made up in any way. It was constant.

I find it hard when people assume I had/have an ally in my sister (we are very close in age). Our relationship has always mimicked our parents. We have sometimes been able to have superficial conversations but it never lasted long (think minutes). Partly because of our role models, partly because our parents (mum especially) played us off against each other - divide and conquer I think was their golden rule of parenting. It took me a long time to have a second child because I couldn't see any positives in it for my ds.

The one thing I hated in our house was noone took responsibility for anything - you always had to find someone else to blame it on.

[TheArmadillo]

My dad did throw stuff sometimes but only when everyone else had left the room.

[CuriousMama]

Positively it made me not choose and aggressive partner (like dad).

Negatively it made me not respect my mother as you should. She was far too weak and I never forget her leaving me alone with him. I'd never do that to mine not that they'd be in such an enviroment.

[CuriousMama]

environment

[quanticovirginia]

I wish DP's parents had left each other. By the end they wouldn't even remain in the same room as each other. A lot of mental abuse which came mainly from MIL. Now FIL has passed away this is now being directed at DP and me.

Consequently DP has a very warped view of relationships and refuses to marry me despite having been together 15 years and having two children. he also refuses as a quite conscious decision to ever say he loves me (and never has although as they say actions speak louder than words).

[MardyArsedMidlander]

'but merely endured regular rowing, sniping and general bad-tempered behaviour that wants to comment? '

Yes- and the same as above. I still have huge anxiety issues, can't cope with conflict or people disliking me, terrible choice in men, the belief that sticking with an abusive relationship is what you do...
I also hate social occasions- as they would always have huge rows, storm out, go places but with an 'atmosphere'- particularly if it was a special occasion. I would be DYING for them to just once put a 'brave face on' and save the arguing till later- but they never did
It made me determined I would never marry and have kids- and put them through anything like that.
My mum died very young, and my father was absolutely devastated and died soon after. He thought it was funny that they had what he called a 'noisy' relationship- I didn't.

[ArtVandelay]

This is so sad. Sorry everyone. It does seem like we've all developed some coping mechanisms and skills to get through it (hopeful).

[MardyArsedMidlander]

'The one thing I hated in our house was noone took responsibility for anything - you always had to find someone else to blame it on. '

^^ YY to that. Even now, the phrase 'that's YOUR fault' brings me out in goose pimples...

[GailTheGoldfish]

Although there was no DV as other posters have detailed, the constant fighting and then angry silences have made me a peace keeper in the worst possible way. I will always take responsibility for anything rather than let others take the blame, that way I can control things. I am only just getting to grips with being assertive rather than just keeping quiet to keep the peace. My communication skills in relationships have always been pretty rubbish because I never saw my parents talk to each other and they still don't, they are still together after forty odd years and if there is something I need to tell them I have to tell them separately as they just will not talk to each other. It's ridiculous really and now I am a parent I am determined to break the cycle and show my DD how a relationship should work and how she should have respect for herself and any future partners she might have.

[monstermissy]

As someone a year on from splitting from a 16 year abusive relationship (alcoholic dh), this thread has left me in tears. I have children who will grow up with these issues. I am also guilty of continuing to yell etc cause that's all I know. I've been thinking of counseling and after reading this I'm def going to sort that out. I can't change the past but I can ensure their future is different. My eldest has seen and heard things no child should yet is such a fantastic child he's inspirational truly. Thankyou all for sharing, I really needed to hear it at this time.

[D0oinMeCleanin]

When I was 12 I begged my mum to leave my dad. When she refused I asked her to put me into care instead, she told me she'd 'think about it' , although she never did.

I left home at 16 with the first unsuitable man who came along.

I still adore her. She is my best friend. Although I feel very protective of her. I feel more like I am the parent sometimes and she relies on me heavily for emotional support when things go wrong although I rely on her equally and she offers me a lot of practical support.

I get on better with my Dad now we have found some common ground but I will never forgive him for my childhood and still to this day think I might have made better life choices if I had have been placed in care when I asked for that.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

I think you can take heart monstermissy that these stories are from people whose parents stayed together mostly rather than call time. I'm sure your DS really is fantastic and that he'll thrive now that you have stepped away from the abuse.

[ChristmasKnackers]

My parents split when I was 14. I was a bit sad, but my mum was completely honest from the beginning. She told me about her affair and how she didn't know what to do. I told her to leave.

It was really hard for me to see my Dad so upset, but for some reason that didn't seem as important as my mums happiness. I guess I was much closer to my Mum.

20 years down the line and my Dad is much happier with his wife and my Mum is still with my step dad and I love them all to bits.

I am a happy person and don't think any of this has had too much of an impact on me, but who knows.

[NamingtonChangersons]

Yes, my parents are still at it with the low-level shit after over 40 years of wedded 'bliss'. No DV or any form of addiction, no affairs, but... still.

If anyone tries to tackle them about finding healthier ways of doing things, tell them to STFU or tells them it's upsetting to witness/overhear, then they immediately become the tightest-knit couple ever and protest that they adore each other, it doesn't mean anything, it's 'just how they are', whatever. If you then go on to point out that it's not fair on others to have to tolerate it, and upsetting for their adult children as it was when they were kids, you're either laughed at or shouted at for being weird or oversensitive or you're trying to attack them, you're trying to cause a scene, you're the one making things awkward for everyone... Take your pick.

Basically, neither of them seem capable of realising that they should fucking control their tantrums and stress, much less why they should.

I am very anxious and have felt depressed since I was about 3 yrs old. This is not an exaggeration. Because we never know what could trigger one of the episodes between my parents or when one would happen (one incident could have them going mental at each other, a subsequent, identical incident could have them laughing happily together and hugging. There's never been any rhyme or reason to it all), both my brother and I are incredibly controlling of every aspect of our lives. Until we met our current, lovely partners, I've always picked EA arseholes and my brother has been dumped for being anxiously controlling (not abusively, just being so stressed that it ended up being controlling). I've never made much of my life for various shitty reasons, but one of them is that I've always had to be so hyper-vigilant that I can see every way an idea might fail, and I have no faith that anyone can be trusted, that they could sustain support, being nice, and so on. I expect everyone to dislike me, treat me badly and let me down, although I hate myself the most.

I feel like I don't know who I am very well; my childhood was spent trying to protect myself emotionally from the hurt, from my brother's bullying, which was clearly a manifestation of their crap at home, be responsible for my mother's feelings, try to be the referee and then listen to both of them slagging the other off to me (roles they forced me into, as the oldest child). That didn't leave much room to just be myself, to feel secure enough to develop myself and above all, that there was never enough time (between the rows and horribleness) to relax and get on with being a child.

The happiest time of my childhood was when I was about 14 and my mum told me she was going to leave my Dad. She went into massive details about how she didn't love him anymore and why, which was awful, but the thought that they wouldn't be together anymore made me so joyous that I didn't care. On the way back from swimming practice, she used to point out a little house for sale that she told me she was going to buy for us when she left him. The house was also on the bus route to and from school and my heart would soar twice a day as we went past.

Of course, she never did leave him. And I started feeling sick and on the verge of tears... No, not twice a day but even more than I did to start off with

The very worst thing, however, is that I can feel myself slipping into her patterns of feeling that so many tiny little things my DP does or doesn't do are an indication that he doesn't love me, nay, that he looks down on me, that I am invisible to me, that he thinks I'm inferior, etc. Just stuff like me asking him to change Ds's nappy whilst I go to the loo and then he hasn't done by the time
I get out (because toddlers are hardly easy to change nappies on!). I keep snapping at him now and then in front of DS and it's like I get into a groove and can't stop. I feel like throwing myself to my knees and shouting, "For the love of God, someone STOP ME!". At least being aware that I must stop is a first step.