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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How much sympathy should I have for dp? Long - sorry

41 replies

formallyknownasloveydarling · 22/12/2012 08:17

My dp just cannot see any good in anything. He can barely cope with the kids, hates his job, does no exercise, takes little pride in his appearance, criticises me, complains about very small things, etc.

It is really bringing me down too.

He doesn't sleep well and has been taking sleeping pills bought overseas to sleep. He drinks moderately (regularly but not to excess) and smokes this horrendous skunk at least once or twice a week.

He says he is only happy on his own.

He refuses to take on board my pov that skunk is mind altering and bad news. He says it doesn't affect him.

I am sick of living with a miserable bastard and I feel sad and impotent that I can't help.

He hasn't been to the dr yet but is planning on going after Christmas.i doubt he will mention the weed anyway.

I am sorry for him but so tired of this atmosphere. Aibu to wish he would just get on with it, exercise and stop the weed for all our sakes?

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/12/2012 08:21

He is addicted to his drug and that is affecting everything.

I would tell him to stop or move out.

Lueji · 22/12/2012 08:25

I doubt he'll do anything about his issues unless you leave him.
And even so.

At the moment he's fine and supported, despite his protestations that he's better alone.

Doha · 22/12/2012 08:27

Plain and simple--he has a choice. Stop the drug or lose his family.

The GP can't fix him he has to want to fix himself.

teatimesthree · 22/12/2012 08:38

Completely agree with others. To be brutally honest, it is a win/win for you. Either he stops the drugs and gets help for his depression, or he moves out. Either way, your life - and your children's - will improve dramatically.

Letsmakecookies · 22/12/2012 08:45

YABU. However, you need to take the focus off him and onto yourself. What behaviour can you cope with and what can't you. Where are your boundaries. What are you doing to be nice to yourself. How can you stop enabling his behaviour. Nothing will change if you put the focus on him to change it. But you can change your own life.

He sounds like an addict (skunk, sleeping pills). He probably won't see a GP if he is waiting until after xmas. And even if he does, he needs to be treated for his addiction as well as any depression which is likely to be secondary.

GiveMeSomeSpace · 22/12/2012 08:50

I'm always incredulous when people insist that weed (normal or skunk) is harmless and doesn't affect them. I've seen several lives ruined. My once lovely bright anthusiastic sister has changed for ever as a result of it.
I think as long as you carry on with the status quo, he'll keep digging a deeper hole.

Good luck OP. Hope everything works out for the best.

LaCiccolina · 22/12/2012 08:56

Well u know the answer to this don't u? Hardly bu I must say. He's addicted my luv. He now probs doesn't see the reality at all. Unless he wants to get over this he won't. For a while I think it will get worse. The drug rules u c. He's treating symptoms of his use, not the cause. Without going cold turkey it will just be like this (or worse) always. Not to mention the money and all that does eventually come along.

I think u know really what u have to do. There's help out there if u want it. The question is, do u?

Wishing u much love and luck for 2013. Keep posting. I'm sure people here can help u.

HappyAsASandboy · 22/12/2012 09:51

I the weed doesn't affect him, why does he need to keep smoking it?

I'd start there and see how he reacts, but don't live with it if he's not interested in changing something for the better.

strumpetpumpkin · 22/12/2012 10:51

Hes not that into you but is too much of a wuss to be honest.

Dump him or forever make each other miserable.

Weed doesnt make people act like that. Hes using the weed and the alcohol to block out how unhappy he is.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 22/12/2012 12:38

YANBU. Everyone has personal problems and everyone needs support from their family but there's a limit. He needs to take responsibility, accept things have got very bad and then seek help. If he won't do it voluntarily you're going to have to force his hand and if that means showing him the door, that's what you have to do. Sorry you're in this situation.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 22/12/2012 12:42

"Weed doesnt make people act like that"

When depressive tendencies are already present, weed, sedatives (if that's what they are) and alcohol are going to make them far worse. If he had any sense he would bring forward his GP appointment. And, if you think he won't be honest when he gets there, there's nothing to stop you writing a letter in advance explaining to his GP that he's got substance abuse problems... narcotics, alcohol etc.

Original poster

formallyknownasloveydarling · 22/12/2012 15:38

Does this actually qualify as substance abuse though?
Weed 1-2 x week
Alcohol (wine) 2-3 times per week 2 glasses approximately
Sleeping pills maybe once or less per week

How do you know it is actually depression? Is there a test (sorry to be do naive - hope I haven't offended anyone)

OP posts:

Original poster

formallyknownasloveydarling · 22/12/2012 15:43

And when I say he is addicted he just rolls his eyes and scoffs as if its just me having the problem about him smoking it.
He has an excellent, responsible job which he does well and is successful at. It's not like he is some student stoner unable to get up in the morning.
What I need to work out is this: is he being a selfish twat or is he sick? I can't act until I know this as my actions would differ according to the situation.

OP posts:

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 22/12/2012 17:08

Re substance abuse.... those are the thing/times you know about. The sleeping pills could be anything at all if they weren't prescribed. More importantly, he doesn't have to be addicted to be an abuser. It's the effect it has on his life and the lives of those around him (you...) that determines whether the substances he uses are a problem. From what you describe... it's a problem.

Re depression.... only a doctor can really diagnose clinical depression as opposed to the regular low patches we all experience. However, you might find this NHS Choices article helps.

Ultimately, even if he's sick he has to take the responsibility to do something about it. Means getting to a GP quickly rather than slowly. Means fully embracing clinical advice or any treatment plan. Someone who is sick and ratty and chooses to stay that way rather than seek help...... is a selfish twat.

strumpetpumpkin · 22/12/2012 17:15

if you concentrate on the drinking and smoking, then youre concentrating on his coping mechanisms instead of concentrating on what it is hes trying to escape from.

Do you honestly think that if he stops smoking once or twice a week, things are going to be better??

ledkr · 22/12/2012 17:17

Whether weed is harmless or not I am yet to meet an interesting and motivated dope head.

FurryDogMother · 22/12/2012 17:20

I agree with strumpet - the weed and the sleeping pills are his way of self-medicating for his (from your description) obvious depression (as opposed to the cause of it). The sooner he gets to the doctor the better.

There are online tests for depression, but a visit to the doctor and a frank discussion would be of greater benefit, I feel.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 22/12/2012 17:26

You can't separate the one from the other.... he drinks/smokes/takes pills because he's depressed... they make him more depressed.... he drinks/smokes/takes more pills. Vicious circle so, as well as treatment for depression, you have to deal with the depressants at the same time.

strumpetpumpkin · 22/12/2012 17:32

ledkr, i have met many people who smoke daily and are extremely motivated and interesting people.
I have also met many who arent and are terribly boring stoners, but it isnt a given that cannabis effects everybody in the same way. Its not ideal, but if hes only smoking once or twice a week, then thats not really a dope head, and i think its clutching at straws to blame that and not really useful here.

You cant cure someone elses depression, and you cant make someone seek help.
He may be depressed because hes in a relationship that he doesnt like, but doesnt have the guts to leave, or he may be depressed for another reason (or indeed no reason at all) , but the fact is, hes feeling shit, and hes not enjoying things and hes trying to blot it out.

You need a heart to heart chat. Does he want to make things work. Is he concerned with how the relationship is going? Is he interested in how you feel about it?
Marching him off to the doctor or insisting he gives up all his coping mechanisms is not going to get you ANYWHERE, I promise you.

What was your relationship like before? has something triggered this, or has he been steadily becoming more depressed over time?

ledkr · 22/12/2012 18:27

Well I haven't strumpet and I know many. The ones who do manage to maintain some of their personality are still boring in comparison to how they were previously. One guy used to be hilarious and now stutters and takes long pauses.

PickledInAPearTree · 22/12/2012 18:47

I've known loads of people who use weed long term.

It's not great on any of them.

One girl I know is on and off. During the off periods she goes out, sees friends, rock climbs.

When she is back on she rarely goes out, becomes reclusive etc.

Only an example but I don't know anyone who could possibly support the ongoing use of skunk in this case where he has depressive issues.

It needs to go in my opinion.

strumpetpumpkin · 22/12/2012 22:07

is there a special reason people keep talking about the ooccasional use of cannabis, rather than the regular drinking??
as i said, you're talking about the symptoms/coping mechanisms instead of the cause. shows a real lack of understanding and empathy about mental health

PickledInAPearTree · 22/12/2012 22:18

Is there a special reason you don't want to accept skunk can possibly be a problem here as this mans own partner thinks?

HollyBerryBush · 22/12/2012 22:29

smokes this horrendous skunk

I dont care if he smokes it once a week, one a year or once in a life time - ditch the life blood sucking leech. No one needs that shit round themselves or children

Original poster

formallyknownasloveydarling · 23/12/2012 01:23

Thanks everyone. Interesting to read your views on the skunk. It is awful stuff IMO. But he's done it for a long time and seems to have remained reasonably motivated.
Yeah we've talked about it. He says he loves me and the kids and really wants to make it work. He says it is more than just our relationship - a couple of really great things happened this year and he just doesn't feel how he should about them. He used to have a fantastic body, be quite conscious of it and work out/watch what he ate. Now he just looks tired and old and eats crap.
I think I forgot to mention that we haven't had sex for 2 years. I co-sleep with one or both kids and he sleeps in the spare room.
Could it be some sort of breakdown?

OP posts:

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