How much sympathy should I have for dp? Long - sorry

[formallyknownasloveydarling]

My dp just cannot see any good in anything. He can barely cope with the kids, hates his job, does no exercise, takes little pride in his appearance, criticises me, complains about very small things, etc.

It is really bringing me down too.

He doesn't sleep well and has been taking sleeping pills bought overseas to sleep. He drinks moderately (regularly but not to excess) and smokes this horrendous skunk at least once or twice a week.

He says he is only happy on his own.

He refuses to take on board my pov that skunk is mind altering and bad news. He says it doesn't affect him.

I am sick of living with a miserable bastard and I feel sad and impotent that I can't help.

He hasn't been to the dr yet but is planning on going after Christmas.i doubt he will mention the weed anyway.

I am sorry for him but so tired of this atmosphere. Aibu to wish he would just get on with it, exercise and stop the weed for all our sakes?

[ChristmasTreegles]

My DH is a lot like yours, except no smoking at all. For him, it's part depression (on meds) and part twat. It's frustrating as hell. The sympathy has long gone.

Never hurts to check with GP.

[shriekingnora]

He sounds depressed. While I agree that the weed won't help it doesn't sound like it's the only cause.I recently went to the doctor about my depression and had to fill in a questionnaire which gave me a shock as I hadn't realised how bad I was feeling. My symptoms include trouble sleeping, loss of interest in everything, desire to be alone doing nothing, lethargy and craving junk food.

Have you tried looking after him? Sounds silly but when I hit rock bottom DH suddenly seemed to realise and looked after me eg ran me baths, made me decent food, took pressure off re responsibilities. It gave me just enough of a boost to mean I could get to the GP. I am now on the right dose of the right medication and am feeling beter than I have in years. And the whole famiy is happier as a result.

[formallyknownasloveydarling]

By the way, my kids are never around his drug taking. He does it out of the house. He would never smell of dope or have red eyes around them. I wonder whether dwelling on the dope so much is a bit of a red herring.

[formallyknownasloveydarling]

Some really sound advice here. Interesting how this is not one of those threads where everyone agrees on the same course if action.
Why do I co sleep with my kids? Still bf the younger one, I like night time cuddles, I think we all get more sleep this way. Dp sleeps in the spare room because I won't let him share the bed when he has been drinking/smoking/taking pills, sometimes he leaves for work before we wake up, sometimes he wants a good nights sleep so he can concentrate at work the following day.
I do think I need to put him/us as higher priority and the kids need to be a bit less the centre of my universe.
It's a vicious circle because quite honestly I would rather spend time/share the bed with my kids, the way he is at the moment, whatever we do he is unhappy with. So I am not really sure how to go about changing it.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

He says he is only happy on his own.

Then I would say he is welcome to his own company. Away from you and the DC.

He certainly sounds depressed, but depressed or not, it remains his responsibility to get help. OP and DC do not need to be brought down with him on his mission of self-destruction. The drug-taking alone is not something that children should be around, not to mention all the other ways in which he is an inadequate husband and father.

In a situation where a person refuses to seek help, the kindest thing can be to show them that you are not willing to tolerate their behaviour any more.

He needs help, yes, but only he can obtain it for himself. The only thing you can do is protect yourself and the DC. I think it's time for an ultimatum. But you need to mean it, OP, and be ready to follow through when he calls your bluff.

[meditrina]

Depression is a condition for which he needs to seek medical advice and follow it. And sympathy is warranted for that, just as it would be for any chronic illness.

But if he's not serious about getting help, and continues to (potentially) exacerbate it by use of recreational drugs to self-medicate, then a tougher approach is the one to adopt. He needs to show he is serious about making the necessary changes, or face the consequences. OP: you perhaps need to be thinking about what those consequences need to be. Letting things continue in a detrimental pattern indefinitely isn't going to solve anything, and could have a significant detrimental affect on you.

[TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat]

I would say start with exercise - if he is depressed it is the thing most likely to help. And he should get fitter in both senses of the word.

Also agree with strumpet.

[SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh]

Even if he is depressed, that doesn't mean the OP has to suck it up and tiptoe round him indefinitely. He gets to choose: seek help, shape up or fuck off. Because the OP and DC are just as important as he is, and if he won't do anything to improve his behaviour then he needs to be put out of the house so the rest of his family don't have to suffer from it.

[greeneyed]

Agree with strumpet entirely. Doesn't sound like an addict, he sounds depressed, shocked at some of the responses you've had.

[DiscretionAdvised]

It's not that simple. I have problems relaxing and unwinding. I am not depressed but do have significant life challenges.


To unwind I awoke weed before bed and frequently take sleeping pills (on prescription). I have a good job, affluent lifestyle and 3 young dcs's). I am far from the image of a stoner. I also drink regularly but rarely (and only socially) to excess.


I would be more worried about the other aspects of his behaviour and whether you can live with those. The negativity, short tempered ness etc. he does sound depressed and as if he's needs tomgetnoff his arse. I would say tough that the drugs are a symptom not the cause.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

OP, why are you co-sleeping with kids and not sleeping with your husband? Is it because you want to or because he wants you to?

Your marriage will never be fixed if you carry on doing this.

He sounds like a nightmare to live with though - a real drainer.

I'm with ledkr on the skunk/weed issue. Anyone I've ever met who's taken it is a boring stoner. I can't bear the stuff and I haven't got much respect for anyone who wants to smoke it. It makes people dull and unsociable. And it really fucks up people's personalities/MH if they smoke a lot when they are young. Ugh.

[joblot]

Some online depression tests can be helpful, google it and see if he'll take one? Might help him face up to it

[formallyknownasloveydarling]

We make all sorts of excuses about sex: tiredness etc but the real reason is I don't fancy this guy - he is not the man I married, neither in looks not personality.
I think we do need to reconnect. I know I have been very over absorbed by the kids. I don't know whether that is normal but I think it is (they ate young).

[SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh]

No, the priority is getting this man to either shape up or fuck off. You don't have to spend the rest of your life tiptoeing round his bad moods and servicing him domestically: give him a time limit at the end of which he either sees the GP or leaves. During that time, do your research into money/housing/benefits etc so if you do choose to kick him out you have your plan in place and know what will happen next.

It's better to be single than to be lumbered with an inadquate man.

[strumpetpumpkin]

i think reconnecting with each other is a priority then. Why arent you having sex with each other?

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

You can't diagnose him. He sounds as though he may be depressed, he needs to get in front of a GP sooner rather than later and, in the meantime, he has to try to help himself by making some lifestyle changes which will include taking the depressants out of the equation i.e. alcohol, drugs, sedatives.

[formallyknownasloveydarling]

Thanks everyone. Interesting to read your views on the skunk. It is awful stuff IMO. But he's done it for a long time and seems to have remained reasonably motivated.
Yeah we've talked about it. He says he loves me and the kids and really wants to make it work. He says it is more than just our relationship - a couple of really great things happened this year and he just doesn't feel how he should about them. He used to have a fantastic body, be quite conscious of it and work out/watch what he ate. Now he just looks tired and old and eats crap.
I think I forgot to mention that we haven't had sex for 2 years. I co-sleep with one or both kids and he sleeps in the spare room.
Could it be some sort of breakdown?

[HollyBerryBush]

smokes this horrendous skunk

I dont care if he smokes it once a week, one a year or once in a life time - ditch the life blood sucking leech. No one needs that shit round themselves or children

[PickledInAPearTree]

Is there a special reason you don't want to accept skunk can possibly be a problem here as this mans own partner thinks?

[strumpetpumpkin]

is there a special reason people keep talking about the ooccasional use of cannabis, rather than the regular drinking??
as i said, you're talking about the symptoms/coping mechanisms instead of the cause. shows a real lack of understanding and empathy about mental health

[PickledInAPearTree]

I've known loads of people who use weed long term.

It's not great on any of them.

One girl I know is on and off. During the off periods she goes out, sees friends, rock climbs.

When she is back on she rarely goes out, becomes reclusive etc.

Only an example but I don't know anyone who could possibly support the ongoing use of skunk in this case where he has depressive issues.

It needs to go in my opinion.

[ledkr]

Well I haven't strumpet and I know many. The ones who do manage to maintain some of their personality are still boring in comparison to how they were previously. One guy used to be hilarious and now stutters and takes long pauses.

[strumpetpumpkin]

ledkr, i have met many people who smoke daily and are extremely motivated and interesting people.
I have also met many who arent and are terribly boring stoners, but it isnt a given that cannabis effects everybody in the same way. Its not ideal, but if hes only smoking once or twice a week, then thats not really a dope head, and i think its clutching at straws to blame that and not really useful here.

You cant cure someone elses depression, and you cant make someone seek help.
He may be depressed because hes in a relationship that he doesnt like, but doesnt have the guts to leave, or he may be depressed for another reason (or indeed no reason at all) , but the fact is, hes feeling shit, and hes not enjoying things and hes trying to blot it out.

You need a heart to heart chat. Does he want to make things work. Is he concerned with how the relationship is going? Is he interested in how you feel about it?
Marching him off to the doctor or insisting he gives up all his coping mechanisms is not going to get you ANYWHERE, I promise you.

What was your relationship like before? has something triggered this, or has he been steadily becoming more depressed over time?

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

You can't separate the one from the other.... he drinks/smokes/takes pills because he's depressed... they make him more depressed.... he drinks/smokes/takes more pills. Vicious circle so, as well as treatment for depression, you have to deal with the depressants at the same time.

[FurryDogMother]

I agree with strumpet - the weed and the sleeping pills are his way of self-medicating for his (from your description) obvious depression (as opposed to the cause of it). The sooner he gets to the doctor the better.

There are online tests for depression, but a visit to the doctor and a frank discussion would be of greater benefit, I feel.