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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband gone mad

31 replies

lilyiloveyou · 22/12/2012 00:22

Please help anyone who is awake. Husband been a bit violent before but put up with it.
Foregive me, very upset. Tonight he came home and said he's been invited to a work party and i was upset, looking forward to having him here tomorrow night.
Said he was sorry and it was ok. But he was funny all evening and when we got home caught my wrist really hard and agressive. Said he loved me but iwas "always upset about small things". Scared as he has hit me before.
Daughter (9) upset by all this. They have now bopth gone to bed to leave me as i am "upset". Not her fault.
He has gone funny before. So hard to write this stuff...

OP posts:
BabylonElf · 22/12/2012 00:24

Do you and DCs feel safe op?

Lueji · 22/12/2012 00:27

When you are scared of your OH, it's time to leave.

He'll be doing relatively minor things to you that you don't feel are serious enough, but your fear is there.

And what do you mean by a bit violent?

Original poster
lilyiloveyou · 22/12/2012 00:27

foregive me, never posted like this before. Yes, all very quiet upstairs. He is kind of using her against me--lets go upstairs and let mummy calm down. even though I',m realy calm. Daughter didn't know which way to turn

OP posts:
Original poster
lilyiloveyou · 22/12/2012 00:34

I don't know how to leave and i can't leave my daughter. tonight he didn't hit but just got really weird look in eyes and said "mummy needed to calm down".
@babylon-yes feel safe but aware it will happen again

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOne · 22/12/2012 00:37

Are you safe?

You know this is not on dont you? He can't manipulate your daughter like this, it isn't healthy for any of you.

When he has hit you in the past, what has been the outcome? Have you spoken to any one about it?

Hand holding xx

Original poster
lilyiloveyou · 22/12/2012 00:38

a bit violent-took aganst me, pushed me down stairs, really hurt little finger,
but i hit him back in self defence

OP posts:
Original poster
lilyiloveyou · 22/12/2012 00:41

the party thing is--a wrap party for a famous tv dancing thing. I'd been looking forward to him coming home after working late but very guilty for feeling like that...

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 22/12/2012 00:41

Leave. Maybe not tonight, but certainly tomorrow. You shouldn't be frightened of your own husband.

Original poster
lilyiloveyou · 22/12/2012 00:43

holdinghandtightbackonlywantsone. drippingtears

OP posts:
Original poster
lilyiloveyou · 22/12/2012 00:45

I have no-one to speak to about his. Tenuous relationshp with own family. When he's not like this he's FINE. I kbnow how crap that sounds

OP posts:
Lueji · 22/12/2012 00:48

Pushing down the stairs is not a little violent.
It could have had serious consequences.

FWIW, I left my H after he pinned me down by the neck on the floor (first time) and then he slapped me (second time).
I called the police then because I couldn't live with the fear and the knowledge that it could only get worse.

It is still DV and you don't have to wait to go to hospital.

You can make a plan for a quick exit and LTB.

Yes, I scratched him to defend myself from his grip. That was self defense and it doesn't go with a but.
Self defense is in response to violence. It does not excuse it, nor minimise it.

OnlyWantsOne · 22/12/2012 00:54

There is no excuse for it

Being "fine" the rest of the time does NOT make up for it.

women's aid

You do need to leave, with your DC when it is safe to do so - seek help, tell people - do not let this man bully control and hurt you x

Original poster
lilyiloveyou · 22/12/2012 01:00

thanks--I've been on page and don't know quite what to click on through mist of tears

OP posts:
Original poster
lilyiloveyou · 22/12/2012 01:03

goodness that was crap-sorry. think i am going to try and get sleep to power thru tomorrow. Husb taken himself off to other room
other thing is he has never wnated to have sex with me. (i know drip feed but am in such a mess)

OP posts:
olgaga · 22/12/2012 01:05

lily please call the women's aid helpline 0808 2000 247 or alternatively the NCDV on 0844 8044 999 or you can text NCDV to 60777 and they'll contact you.

www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CNDqhqvorLQCFYXLtAodCkoAxQ

www.ncdv.org.uk/contactus.html

Alternatively you can call the police non-emergency number 101 to discuss domestic abuse.

Do it.

Original poster
lilyiloveyou · 22/12/2012 07:56

thanks everybody. It's this morning now. He's "sorry that he upset me". I can't believe this is happening. Very sore throat and coldiness too. But he's gone to work now and (god, how dreadful), I am relieved to have him out of the house.

OP posts:
Lueji · 22/12/2012 08:11

Of course you are relieved.

Please use this time to start on your exit plan.
Check the WA website and get their number.

He's not sorry. It's just to keep you sweet.

Hesterton · 22/12/2012 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doha · 22/12/2012 08:16

Your DD is being affected by this. She is witnessing the behaviour.
If not for yourself you owe it to her to leave without damage to her childhood

trustissues75 · 22/12/2012 21:54

Please leave...pushing you down the stairs, without wishing to sound dramatic, could have killed you. And don't listen to anyone who tells you shit about him not meaning it. The ex once ground hot chips and curry into my face in response to me being sarcastic to him...the police officer basically said I drove him to it! Bullshit.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas · 23/12/2012 02:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jessjessjess · 23/12/2012 02:58

Please please call the helpline above. They can give you loads of advice on how to leave.

cafecito · 23/12/2012 03:12

Please call them. I stayed in an abusive relationship for SIX years and I very much regret that now. That look that came over exP's eyes when he strangled me, or said something nasty, or reached for knives in the kitchen - I know what you mean when you say there's a different look. This can happen and in the end I was terrified. I think I was terrified for a long time but it became normal, he said he 'beat it out of ' me and then I became scared and trapped. I left him about a year ago and IT'S THE BEST THING EVER honestly it truly is. I spent many years half trying to leave, but womens aid really do give good advice.

CordeliaChase · 23/12/2012 03:14

Leave leave leave!!! My mum put up with my dad being violent towards her for 20 years. She stayed with him for us kids. Problem was, he was also violent towards us!! If he can do it once, he will do it again!

cafecito · 23/12/2012 03:17

In fact, 2 and a half years ago I posted a thread asking for help on MN. I received many many responses (different name back then) it took me longer than it should have to act upon the advice and that was very very much to my detriment, but it's done it's past. I now live somewhere he has no idea of the address and his true colours are glaringly obvious now, he has threatened to kill me and DS and is utterly vengeful. but I am away from him- and that is the best feeling. I can come home and know I won't get hit, I know I won't have to endure the emotional abuse, the torture actually. I know there will be no arguments and I know DS won't have to see anything horrible.

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