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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trapped. Rock and hard place :(

98 replies

DozyDuck · 20/12/2012 20:08

Ok back story is I have a child who has autism and severe learning difficulties as well as a number of other disabilities/ conditions.

I have been seeing this guy for about 3/4 months but have been friends with him for ages. Have loads of mutual friends etc. I thought it was going to be wonderful because we already get on so well and DS already knows him and has seen him so he could carry on seeing him in a 'friend' context and I could have a relationship with more than just stolen moments when DSs dad pulls his finger out.

Anyway it was all amazing at first, it always is I suppose, but then BF got suspended from work.

Understandably he was gutted and very very stressed. They wont tell him whether or not he is going to get fired (he suspects he will) and have dragged it out for about a month so far.

Anyway I have tried my hardest to be there for him completely. Including taking phone calls from his mates at 1am listening to how much of a bad way he is in and finding a way to get him to mine and basically between him and DS not getting any sleep, forcing him to wash (after not for over a week) feeding him, waiting up all night when he said he needed me etc. I really feel he is getting himself into a rut and he's on a path of self destruction. He's even talked about suicide while he was drunk :(

Anyway being there for him isn't the issue, I'd do that for anyone, I just want everyone to be ok and I will go without sleep to make things a bit better it isn't a big deal.

But then today happened.

Basically I've been holding everything in and putting myself on the back burner to see to him, while I feel like a tidal wave is coming at me in my own life. DS is regressing again, losing all his skills, he has been having a lot of episodes which the paediatrician thinks are complex seizures, as soon as these seemed to stop, the regression happened (he regressed once at 3.5 and we basically lost all of who he was and had to build him up from scratch) this week he has been for scans, the results of which I won't get until January. On top of this it's Christmas, I can't go and visit my family because of his conditions so I'm stuck up here completely by myself and it feels lonely, my dad came to visit at the weekend and when he left I just really wanted him to come back so I could have someone. I do have family up here but they were horrendous about DS during his initial regression and I no longer talk to them. I am skint because last year I had to give up my career i worked really hard for to care for DS and I feel guilty about his second hand eBay presents. Basically everything is going to shit right now for me. But I've been holding it together really well.

That was up until today, I got the letter from his statement review basically putting all my worries about him in black and white. It was the last straw if that makes sense and I completely broke down. I didn't turn to BF about it because I know he's got his own stuff but then he sent a text asking if I was ok and I just sent a massive message telling him how everything felt shit today and telling him why etc.

He replied 'well what do you want me to say? I feel shit myself, I can't be nice to you because I don't feel very nice'

I do understand he's going through shit at the moment I really do, and maybe I shouldn't have text him, but it really hurt to just be turned away like that after everything I've done to support him. I told him I just wanted him to say something nice or come round and give me a cuddle or something and he said 'well I feel shit and now I've got someone having a go at me. I'm going to bed'

I don't think I can do this anymore.

It isn't a long term relationship yet but I don't want to be the bitch who kicked someone when they were down, but I also can't be used as his rock and then pushed away the second I need something.

I can't leave him it would be the final straw for him while he is so fragile.

But I'm completely drained and to be honest, after tonight, completely heart broken.

I should just wait it out shouldn't I? It's bound to get better when he actually finds out about his job? It'll just be all the horrible stress and I can't add to that can I?

This probably doesn't even make sense to anyone.
Sorry

OP posts:

Bluestocking · 20/12/2012 20:13

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this, Dozy. What does your gut instinct tell you about the future of this relationship?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 20/12/2012 20:13

He's a selfish, insensitive shit. If he's been suspended from his job and facing the sack then he has done something to warrant that.... ie. it's his own stupid fault. So any 'poor me' crap stemming from that is entirely self-indulgent and if he is 'fragile' it's all of his own making. You, on the other hand, have no influence over the health of your son. So to respond as he did - I repeat - he is a selfish, insensitive shit.

I wouldn't waste the price of a text back.

Leverette · 20/12/2012 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

DozyDuck · 20/12/2012 20:16

He did do something to warrant it but it was a mistake, just one that comes under 'gross misconduct'

I can't really trust my gut I'm a bit of a sucker for trying to make everyone feel good and never wanting to hurt anyone. It was amazing in the beginning.

I know he's being an insensitive shit. But would that not be because he's depressed or something?

OP posts:

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 20/12/2012 20:16

((( hugs ))).

I disagree. I do not think you should wait it out.

Reading your OP, it seems he is treating you as his mum, not his partner.

You deserve better. Do not worry about losing face.

SirSugar · 20/12/2012 20:16

hes not fragile, hes a cunt. Drop him or he will suck the life out of you.

And he's the one kicking when you are down, his attitude is probably why he was suspended from work in the first place; his own bed and he can go and lie in it

sarahseashell · 20/12/2012 20:17

OP my heart goes out to you. have a

this man is dragging you down after 3/4 months. It's not your fault he has lost his job (not sure why he's been suspended, was it his fault?) He is not your responsibility, or even your main priority, especially not after so short a time.

You have to put you and dc first. Get the mutual friends to see to dp and just cool it right off, focus on being kind to yourself and just do what you can for ds and try not to worry about what you can't do for ds at the moment IYSWIM.

Get any support for you that you can (samaritans if necessary, just so you've got a listening ear.) Don't waste time worrying about this man just take care of yourself and then you'll be stronger for ds.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 20/12/2012 20:17

Btw, I disagree with waiting it out, not with the other posters.

I type too slowly!

Anniegetyourgun · 20/12/2012 20:18

Look, your child comes first (and last, and in the middle) always. You need your energy for him. This... let's be polite, this depressed friend is not able to be there for you and frankly, you can't really carry on being there for him because you have someone else who has first call on your time. By the sound of it the guy needs more help than you can give anyway. I don't think you can say you'll support him until the hearing at work is over because what if it's bad news at the end of it? You'd be stuck supporting him for ever and ever (or until he kills himself with drink - you won't be able to stop him). He's got mates; step back gently and let them do what they can for their friend, which does not include waking his girlfriend up at 1am when she has a child with all sorts of additional needs to care for. This one is not your fight any more. DS is.

SirSugar · 20/12/2012 20:19

He says his gross misconduct was a mistake, work says he commited gross misconduct.

I'm an employer and you don't hand out gross misconduct lightly as it can seriously cost you if you are found to be wrong by an industrial tribunal.

Original poster

DozyDuck · 20/12/2012 20:20

Thank you. That's why I posted here because I know what I think but I also know I can be very very soft about people. It's just with him saying he wanted to kill himself I don't want him to do that if I just leave him

I do have support around me in the way of very close friends, they've just backed off a bit thinking that BF was always there like I was for him I suppose. But I have rang them today (about my own problems not about what BF said) and they've been wonderful.

OP posts:

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 20/12/2012 20:20

Who cares if he's depressed? That was a shitty, selfish and nasty thing to write back to a mother worried about the health of her DC and in need of support. A kind word costs nothing. I'm appalled, frankly.

akaemmafrost · 20/12/2012 20:21

You've got yourself a "taker" there.

I'd dump and not look back but then I am quite heartless after a relentlessly awful marriage to a "taker".

You don't have to mean about it just sob and blub at him whenever he rings or texts, you'll soon frighten him off.

Sorry about your ds. Any way you could move to be nearer your family?

sarahseashell · 20/12/2012 20:22

good that's a good start ringing your friends. If he wants to kill himself then there's nothing you can do about it anyway. Your relationship is very new indeed so none of his problems can be pinned on you. If you carry on with him any longer it will just lead to more of the same. Dump him for your own sanity

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/12/2012 20:23

You need to dump him, he is not your problem.

He sounds like a needy twat - his friends have clearly had enough and are delighted you are in the picture to take him off their hands!

You owe this guy nothing. Nothing.

MerlotforOne · 20/12/2012 20:23

I'm really sorry you're having to go through all this OP. I just wanted to say that YANBU to expect a bit of support even if your BF is depressed.

DH and I have been through times in the past couple of years when we were both really low and stressed at the same time, but we always listened to each other, allowed each other to vent and then had a cuddle, or did something nice that didn't take too much effort, like buying the other their favourite chocolate bar or something. We've had our differences over the years, but really it's when the chips are down like this that you know whether you have a 'keeper'. You can't always be the one giving support and never receiving, it just wears you down.

I hope your DS stabilises again soon.

Original poster

DozyDuck · 20/12/2012 20:23

Thanks, I think if I just back off slowly he will just let me, but then I feel guilty because he says I am the only person he can talk to.

I can't move closer to family without taking DS away from his paternal family (who really really adore him) and his specialist school etc. so I'm staying here. I'm not completely isolated, I do have a lot of very amazing friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

DozyDuck · 20/12/2012 20:24

Wow I was really expecting to be told I was being really insensitive to text him in the first place to be honest

OP posts:

Llareggub · 20/12/2012 20:26

He doesn't sound much of a catch to be honest.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/12/2012 20:27

Why would it be insensitive to text in need of support? You have offered him the same and more by the sounds of things.

sarahseashell · 20/12/2012 20:27

your guilt is misplaced - he'll soon find someone else to latch on to. He's got friends. Spend the energy thinking about nice things you can do for you and ds and forget him

JustFabulous · 20/12/2012 20:28

TBF your son needs you more than anyone and I am sure he comes first with you. While you are wasting time on this idiot you aren't spending time with your son, or taking some time for yourself, so really is it the right thing for you?

Bluestocking · 20/12/2012 20:28

OK. Here's what I think. He sounds like a selfish, manipulative, emotional vampire, who will suck every ounce of joy and light and happiness and ease out of your life. And his friends are no better - what on earth do they think they are doing, ringing you in the middle of the night? You need your energy for yourself and for your DS, not for these useless wasters. People don't get suspended from work for nothing - and it's quite difficult, in most industries, to commit gross misconduct "by mistake". I think you need to cut your losses and get out.

Original poster

DozyDuck · 20/12/2012 20:30

It probably isn't, but I really didn't mind being there for him at first, it was just after today, him turning me away like that. It just felt so shit.

I thought maybe I shouldn't be putting on him if he is already really low or something?

At first it was amazing to be fair. He would make me laugh all the time and he was my time for me. I'd not felt so relaxed in ages. So of course I took the good with the bad and was there for him. I just thought I would get the same treatment

OP posts:

ThePinkOcelot · 20/12/2012 20:31

Wow, he's all me, me, me isn't he?! Selfish tosser. He should be there for you regardless of his (own making) problems. You were there for him regardless of what was going on in your life. Hope your ds is ok. x

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