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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trapped. Rock and hard place :(

98 replies

DozyDuck · 20/12/2012 20:08

Ok back story is I have a child who has autism and severe learning difficulties as well as a number of other disabilities/ conditions.

I have been seeing this guy for about 3/4 months but have been friends with him for ages. Have loads of mutual friends etc. I thought it was going to be wonderful because we already get on so well and DS already knows him and has seen him so he could carry on seeing him in a 'friend' context and I could have a relationship with more than just stolen moments when DSs dad pulls his finger out.

Anyway it was all amazing at first, it always is I suppose, but then BF got suspended from work.

Understandably he was gutted and very very stressed. They wont tell him whether or not he is going to get fired (he suspects he will) and have dragged it out for about a month so far.

Anyway I have tried my hardest to be there for him completely. Including taking phone calls from his mates at 1am listening to how much of a bad way he is in and finding a way to get him to mine and basically between him and DS not getting any sleep, forcing him to wash (after not for over a week) feeding him, waiting up all night when he said he needed me etc. I really feel he is getting himself into a rut and he's on a path of self destruction. He's even talked about suicide while he was drunk :(

Anyway being there for him isn't the issue, I'd do that for anyone, I just want everyone to be ok and I will go without sleep to make things a bit better it isn't a big deal.

But then today happened.

Basically I've been holding everything in and putting myself on the back burner to see to him, while I feel like a tidal wave is coming at me in my own life. DS is regressing again, losing all his skills, he has been having a lot of episodes which the paediatrician thinks are complex seizures, as soon as these seemed to stop, the regression happened (he regressed once at 3.5 and we basically lost all of who he was and had to build him up from scratch) this week he has been for scans, the results of which I won't get until January. On top of this it's Christmas, I can't go and visit my family because of his conditions so I'm stuck up here completely by myself and it feels lonely, my dad came to visit at the weekend and when he left I just really wanted him to come back so I could have someone. I do have family up here but they were horrendous about DS during his initial regression and I no longer talk to them. I am skint because last year I had to give up my career i worked really hard for to care for DS and I feel guilty about his second hand eBay presents. Basically everything is going to shit right now for me. But I've been holding it together really well.

That was up until today, I got the letter from his statement review basically putting all my worries about him in black and white. It was the last straw if that makes sense and I completely broke down. I didn't turn to BF about it because I know he's got his own stuff but then he sent a text asking if I was ok and I just sent a massive message telling him how everything felt shit today and telling him why etc.

He replied 'well what do you want me to say? I feel shit myself, I can't be nice to you because I don't feel very nice'

I do understand he's going through shit at the moment I really do, and maybe I shouldn't have text him, but it really hurt to just be turned away like that after everything I've done to support him. I told him I just wanted him to say something nice or come round and give me a cuddle or something and he said 'well I feel shit and now I've got someone having a go at me. I'm going to bed'

I don't think I can do this anymore.

It isn't a long term relationship yet but I don't want to be the bitch who kicked someone when they were down, but I also can't be used as his rock and then pushed away the second I need something.

I can't leave him it would be the final straw for him while he is so fragile.

But I'm completely drained and to be honest, after tonight, completely heart broken.

I should just wait it out shouldn't I? It's bound to get better when he actually finds out about his job? It'll just be all the horrible stress and I can't add to that can I?

This probably doesn't even make sense to anyone.
Sorry

OP posts:
calypso2008 · 20/12/2012 20:32

You sound like such a lovely person and mother but you also sound like you are nearing the end of your tether. You need to put yourself first here OP, you and your son. You can't take on any more of your BF's problems, it seems to me. Nor should you.

Christmas is a terrible time to be alone - I know.

I am sorry. No real advice but, I really think you should not be with this man.

Sorry OP, for your situation, but you sound strong and wonderful - I am positive you will get through it.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry · 20/12/2012 20:34

i think you need to take stock of your needs and stop being a people pleaser. i would back off from this man for all the reasons already posted - you have enough with one child to look after - you dont need another sapping all your emotional energy.

life is tough with a child with SEN. support should be mutual if you are a couple. He sounds incredibly selfish. id let go. with both hands.

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop · 20/12/2012 20:34

OP he is taking the piss and treating you very badly after a very short space of time. You may find this book helpful. It looks at why it is unhealthy to always put the other person's needs above your own in a relationship and how to get respected by your partner as an equal.

Original poster
DozyDuck · 20/12/2012 20:36

Thanks everyone. DS will be ok if he regresses I will bring him back again, I've done it once, I can do it again! it's just horrible to watch.

I don't like watching BF go all self destructive either though I wish I had a magic potion for both of them.

My exes (from when I was 16, now very good mates) family has been asking me to go to theirs when DS goes to his dads Christmas day, so as long as I'm well (new born baby there) I won't be alone Smile

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 20/12/2012 20:37

So now you know how he imagines the pattern of your relationship should be - you give, he takes.

Not a pretty future for either you or your son, I'd say.

You can do better!

Original poster
DozyDuck · 20/12/2012 20:41

I was supposed to be going out with him
Tomorrow (i rarely go out with money/ tiredness) but a mutual friend rang me and asked me to go out with her (drinks at hers first so very cheap night) I think I might just take her up on her offer and have a night without all the drama but then I feel guilty...

OP posts:
Original poster
DozyDuck · 20/12/2012 20:41

I think I need to give myself a slap. I'd hate it if someone had done that to my friends and I wouldn't dream of turning someone else away

OP posts:
CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 20/12/2012 20:44

Why on earth do you feel guilty? You need support and some fun, your friend has asked you to go out with her and you'll have a good time. Whereas Mr Gross Misconduct's sole contribution to your wellbeing so far has been 'I've no time for you because I'm feeling sorry for myself'.... so give him time to indulge. Lots and lots... and lots... of time.

sarahseashell · 20/12/2012 20:46

do yourself a favour and ditch the guilt. I doubt very much he's sitting there feeling guilty about having been an a*hole. You've only been seeing him a few months! Time to start looking after number one, seriously - you have a special needs ds you really don't have time for guys like this in your life

Original poster
DozyDuck · 20/12/2012 20:51

No he doesn't he's gone to sleep after saying I had a go at him. I didn't at all. I don't think. I've re read my messages and I can't see where I have.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 20/12/2012 20:51

Definitely go out with your friend tomorrow.

Then think another time about your bf.
In my eyes, relationships, if they are going anywhere, should partly be about teamwork.
fwiw, I know a couple who broke up. The woman had been supportive of her partner, but when she needed some,he wasnt there for her. In fact, he was the one that left of his own accord.
I dont think he can barely cope with his own life, so hasnt got anything to give to her when it is her turn.

Original poster
DozyDuck · 20/12/2012 20:56

I think that's it. He keeps saying he is shit and can't cope with any stress. But then I think, my life is full of stress and worry. How will he cope with any of that?

OP posts:
CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 20/12/2012 20:59

At least he admits he's a shit! When he says he 'can't cope with stress' take him completely on face value and understand that he has no intention of helping you with your problems. I suspect you've just been a bit of fun.

Original poster
DozyDuck · 20/12/2012 21:03

Probably Sad I really didn't think he'd be like that though he is a lot older than me (14 years) and he has always been really nice to me until now.

Actually except once but that was my fault. DS had a hospital appointment and he offered to come round and I said no, then changed my mind and he had a massive go at me. But I was being an idiot because of the bad news.

OP posts:
CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 20/12/2012 21:05

A 'massive go' just for changing your mind? Hmm Can I ask how long it was since you'd last had a boyfriend when you got together with the current one?

Original poster
DozyDuck · 20/12/2012 21:11

About 2 years. I had a 2 year relationship with someone who ended up doing a lot of cheating. Then I stayed alone for about a year then started dating a bit but no one really bothered me and I wasn't really interested in relationships so I decided to stay single. Until things developed with BF.

OP posts:
dequoisagitil · 20/12/2012 21:12

No, he's the idiot. He sounds a nasty piece of work, love.

Maybe he was a nice friend, but he is hopeless as a boyfriend, and no, you can't teach him how to be a good one.

If your lover is upset because of bad news, you don't give them shit, you're supportive and patient. You don't have a massive go at them. You don't brush them off with a 'what about me' text. He isn't a nice person right now. All his thoughts are about himself and his own (self-created) pain.

You have enough on your plate already and he is just piling his crap on you as well. At times of stress, everyone needs a partner to be a support, not a drain - he isn't capable of being that for you. When push comes to shove, you need someone on your side - he isn't that man. He's on his own side and will just kick you away.

Original poster
DozyDuck · 20/12/2012 21:14

And previous to that relationship it was DSs dad I was with, we broke up when he was a couple of months old (we were 18 when we had him)

So I've had DSs dad. 2 year ish break with some dating exP for 2 years then a 2 year break with some dating now BF (I seem to like the number 2)

OP posts:
Original poster
DozyDuck · 20/12/2012 21:15

Thank you deq I understand what you're saying and that's the way I would act. Maybe I should start expecting the same of others

OP posts:
dequoisagitil · 20/12/2012 21:23

Yes you should. Expect more, you deserve more.

Original poster
DozyDuck · 20/12/2012 22:38

Thank you everyone you've been really really helpful Smile

OP posts:
Snazzyfeelingfestive · 20/12/2012 23:37

It's not asking a lot of someone to be sympathetic on the phone for a while. If he couldn't even do that, he's not up to scratch.

bluebiscuit · 21/12/2012 00:02

Apologies for the bluntness.

This creature you are dating is a sick fuck. He's probably been suspended from work because he's done something to deserve it. He needs to pull himself together and sort his life out himself. The fact that he has made you believe he'd kill himself is just manipulation and not your responsibility. Your lovely little boy is your responsibility - do not let an adult man baby steal any of your time/energy/money that should be spent on your son or yourself.

Easy decision- dump, follow up with zero contact.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 21/12/2012 00:12

Yep, he's got to go.

What are you getting out of this 'relationship' now?

You deserve so much more.

He's a cunt.

prozacbear · 21/12/2012 01:20

Think about it - how much effort would it have been for him to send a text that said something even vaguely supportive? Probably less, in fact, than his selfish response. The fact that his immediate reaction was to TELL YOU that he cared about himself far, far more than you, is horrid.

Dequois is right - you should expect to be treated with the care and respect with which you treat him. Otherwise you are just an unpaid carer/therapist, and that is not a relationship.