Trapped. Rock and hard place :(

[DozyDuck]

Ok back story is I have a child who has autism and severe learning difficulties as well as a number of other disabilities/ conditions.

I have been seeing this guy for about 3/4 months but have been friends with him for ages. Have loads of mutual friends etc. I thought it was going to be wonderful because we already get on so well and DS already knows him and has seen him so he could carry on seeing him in a 'friend' context and I could have a relationship with more than just stolen moments when DSs dad pulls his finger out.

Anyway it was all amazing at first, it always is I suppose, but then BF got suspended from work.

Understandably he was gutted and very very stressed. They wont tell him whether or not he is going to get fired (he suspects he will) and have dragged it out for about a month so far.

Anyway I have tried my hardest to be there for him completely. Including taking phone calls from his mates at 1am listening to how much of a bad way he is in and finding a way to get him to mine and basically between him and DS not getting any sleep, forcing him to wash (after not for over a week) feeding him, waiting up all night when he said he needed me etc. I really feel he is getting himself into a rut and he's on a path of self destruction. He's even talked about suicide while he was drunk :(

Anyway being there for him isn't the issue, I'd do that for anyone, I just want everyone to be ok and I will go without sleep to make things a bit better it isn't a big deal.

But then today happened.

Basically I've been holding everything in and putting myself on the back burner to see to him, while I feel like a tidal wave is coming at me in my own life. DS is regressing again, losing all his skills, he has been having a lot of episodes which the paediatrician thinks are complex seizures, as soon as these seemed to stop, the regression happened (he regressed once at 3.5 and we basically lost all of who he was and had to build him up from scratch) this week he has been for scans, the results of which I won't get until January. On top of this it's Christmas, I can't go and visit my family because of his conditions so I'm stuck up here completely by myself and it feels lonely, my dad came to visit at the weekend and when he left I just really wanted him to come back so I could have someone. I do have family up here but they were horrendous about DS during his initial regression and I no longer talk to them. I am skint because last year I had to give up my career i worked really hard for to care for DS and I feel guilty about his second hand eBay presents. Basically everything is going to shit right now for me. But I've been holding it together really well.

That was up until today, I got the letter from his statement review basically putting all my worries about him in black and white. It was the last straw if that makes sense and I completely broke down. I didn't turn to BF about it because I know he's got his own stuff but then he sent a text asking if I was ok and I just sent a massive message telling him how everything felt shit today and telling him why etc.

He replied 'well what do you want me to say? I feel shit myself, I can't be nice to you because I don't feel very nice'

I do understand he's going through shit at the moment I really do, and maybe I shouldn't have text him, but it really hurt to just be turned away like that after everything I've done to support him. I told him I just wanted him to say something nice or come round and give me a cuddle or something and he said 'well I feel shit and now I've got someone having a go at me. I'm going to bed'

I don't think I can do this anymore.

It isn't a long term relationship yet but I don't want to be the bitch who kicked someone when they were down, but I also can't be used as his rock and then pushed away the second I need something.

I can't leave him it would be the final straw for him while he is so fragile.

But I'm completely drained and to be honest, after tonight, completely heart broken.

I should just wait it out shouldn't I? It's bound to get better when he actually finds out about his job? It'll just be all the horrible stress and I can't add to that can I?

This probably doesn't even make sense to anyone.
Sorry

He replied 'well what do you want me to say? I feel shit myself, I can't be nice to you because I don't feel very nice'

• when someone tells you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.

What has he been suspended for? Theft? Fraud? Sexual? Covering s/thing up?

And, Dozy, please please please notice your comment - 'he was really nice [whilst all the attention love and concern went his way] up until now' [I made a demand, asked him for his support]. Red flag.

And talking about killing himself [unless you mummy him] - red flag.

being suspended - red flag.

You need to ask yourself: why do you feel guilty? Guilty for having needs? Guilty for saying you are worth having fun? Guilty for wanting to choose someone/something else? Guilty not making him more important than yourself? - those are YOUR issues to work on! [wobbly looks in mirror]. You can't blame him for latching on to, er, those attributes, can you?

Twat: I am more important than you, your time, your needs or your son.
Dozy: yes, I agree with you.
Twat: that's fine then, we are on the same page, I am happy
Dozy: this must be love

until you change the script by having pesky human needs of your own....
THEN you see his real side. Believe that text for its complete honest truthfulness!

Dump him. Fast. Before he gets too much of a foothold. He wont' kill himself but if he does it isn't your problem and you did not cause it. He needs to grow up for his own future good, don't get in the way of that!

He's deep in the land of nod while you're awake and torturing yourself about this - RED FLAG!

Thanks everyone, I know you're all right, sorry I didn't reply last night I decided to go to bed myself

I'm going seeing my friend tonight but will probably end up seeing him out (small town, mutual friends etc) but I'm just going to go and enjoy my night and be pleasant to him and try not to worry about all this until after Christmas, I have enough to think about at this time of year.

You have all really really helped me

Why 'pleasant to him'? That text about having no time for your problems was one of the nastiest things I've read in a long time. Dismissive, selfish, insulting and insensitive ... why on earth would you be pleasant to someone that treats you like crap? Save pleasant for people who actually like you.

Your own innate low sense of self worth and self esteem makes you ideal prey for such lowlifes like this man is towards you.

He is acting like an insensitive shite because at heart he is an insensitive shite.

Raise your own relationship bar and look properly at both how and why you are ending up with such unsuitable men. Another question for you to consider is what you learnt about relationships when growing up.

You are nice and your niceness towards him will break you because he is really thinking you are a complete mug; he needs to be dumped asap.

Wobbly, I wish someone had told me "when someone tells you who they are, BELIEVE THEM" when I was a girl - it would have saved me a couple of decades of heartbreak.

Dozy you sound like a really lovely person who people should be thankful for. To try and help someone when you have worries of your own is a really really generous thing to do.

If he can't cope with his own troubles, do you honestly think he will be there for you when the going gets tough in your life? He sounds very much like a fair weather bf, all charm and delight when everything's hunky dory but the moment when things get a bit shit he's out the door.

I detest when people use suicide as a threat. It's such a devastating thing to do and to throw it into a conversation even whilst drunk is reprehensible.

You sound like you've got good proper friends who will be there for you, just as you'd be there for them. Go out with your friend, have a fantastic time and put him behind you. You definitely don't need someone like that in your or your DS life.

Dozy, I think it might help if you did a bit of assertiveness training or counselling. It seems to me that you might be prone to being the giver in most of your relationships, friendships as well? If you are and you have a tendency to define your worth by how good a friend you can be to someone, at the expense of your own emotional well-being, then you'll be a magnet for emotional vampires and users.

It's ok, it's healthy, to have boundaries and to expect emotional return & investment from the people in your life.

If it's just this guy, scrub that and ignore me . But please dump his arse forthwith.

It isn't really just this guy my last relationship was a bit... Well, he fell out with his housemate in September so I let him move in with me rent free until his contract ended in December (I was a full time teacher then so could afford it) and then said after that he could pay me what he paid in his old house (which would come in very handy for extras for DS) but I never saw a penny and he was here till June when I found a certain affairs dating site open on my PC with the Internet I paid for

I have asked for counselling before to be honest from my GP because I've had a lot to deal with in the past few years but he just said I obviously wasn't depressed and that he would call me back but never did so I just left it.

Thing is if I'm not pleasant it will cause a lot of friction for everybody involved because we have the same circle of friends, and the last thing I want to do is tell everybody and isolate him (which is why I came on here instead)

To be honest my mum had a lot of boyfriends when I was growing up (which is why, bar exDP I haven't introduced anyone to DS as a 'boyfriend' and never will unless I'm planning on getting married or something. DS is quite unaware really and it's useful that most of my friends are guys because he just sees BF as another one of the friends that are here a lot (he did get very attached to exDP but we were very serious, another I had known from being about 13 so thought I knew)

I'm actually quite happy on my own I don't 'need' anyone I just sort of fell for BF slowly and things just happened. Now I think I'll stay on my own again it's much easier

He is acting like an insensitive shite because at heart he is an insensitive shite.

Well said, Attila!

dozyduck,

BACP are good re counselling and do not charge a small fortune to access their services. You may well find them of more use rather than asking for counselling via the GP anyway.

You indeed learnt some damaging stuff about relationships as well when you were growing up, that is precisely why I asked such a question.

Work on your own self esteem and worth; your overall niceness in your first paragraph made you easy prey for that person to take advantage. You did let him move in with you rent free though; you need to think about why exactly you did that.

Because he was stressed and I wanted to help him (that was exDP though not BF)

I'm a bit soft I hate anyone being even a little bit sad.

Can't really afford any more outgoings at the moment because I'm an unpaid carer for DS at the moment and every spare penny goes on his therapies and stuff.

At least I can start planning for christmas evening (when DS goes his dads) instead of waiting for him to say if he wants me or not

Dozy thank you for telling us that. People pleasing is a big problem to a person, because they always put the other person first and are not actually in touch with their own needs.

Could I tell you about two books. One is called Boundaries - When to say yes and when to say No by Dr Henry Cloud. It is christian based, but really does let you know that God who created you WANTS you to take care of yourself and not allow other people to trample over you - in other words, the polar opposite of what you have been taught since you could first remember. I found that very comforting, the thought that I was designed to be unique and my Designer doesn't want anyone to take advantage of that design, and that the bible is very clear on this. A reassuring book.

and the other is... (looking it up) - Where to draw the Line by Anne Katherine. A more demanding book.

But both of them vital for you, if you have a Kindle download now!

You need to develop a calm, impregnable glass wall that is neither cruel nor soft towards these immature users and cock lodgers. Imagine a barrier between you and child man, where you do not identify with his pain but stay calmly in your own space, and that you don't cross the barrier to get drawn into being used by him, for any concern or a listening ear or anything. Practice statements again that are calm but clear you can say, like 'I can't at the moment, my son needs me'. I can't see you tonight, my son needs me. Or even 'I would like some time to myself right now, goodbye'. Practice in front of the mirror many times! It will seem strange at first but Fake it until you make it.

The thing about immature twats, is they dont' take it personally. They try to get you to look after them and do their job for them (which you must remember keeps them stuck so you are not really being kind to them and you are not saving them you are making them worse), and when you calmly refuse, they give up quickly and move on to the next person.

DozyDuck, I know someone really well, who sounds just like you.
And I have realised she wants to rescue people. The trouble is, she cannot very well tell the difference between them all.
There are some people who will never learn from mistakes, so keep repeating the same mistakes over and over.
There are some people who have had a bad start in life, not through any fault of their own. But you do need to be careful with those. Some end up stronger because of what they have been through, and help themselves. But some are somewhat permanently damaged and always struggle.
There are some poeple who seem to be born with a woe is me attitude.
There are some people who like to permanently remain a victim, as it suits them to have others always run around after them, and always give them lots of sympathy.
T

I think, if you are attracted to the group of people that need "rescuing", that you need to watch what they are doing to try and help themselves.

Thank you, I will see if the books are downloadable on the pad (can't have paper books here they get eaten)! I am Buddhist but I like reading about other religious views anyway

I know I like to 'people please' and rescue people. Maybe I shouldn't. It's mainly since my son was diagnosed I want everyone to be ok and the world to be a better place but maybe I should just focus on us and be a little bit more selfish.

I'm generally more of a lurker than a poster but something in your OP made me want to say:

He doesn't deserve you

He will sap all your energy til you have nothing left

He will never really be there for you when you need him

You sound like such a kind soul

He sounds like a selfish idiot

Superb advice from wobbly and attila and others. you deserve far better.

OP you sound so lovely and you deserve much better than this.

He sounds like he has serious issues and I think you could totally exhaust yourself trying to rescue him without seeing any results. You need to put yourself and your ds first and save your energy for that imho.

Thanks everyone. You've really helped me get some perspective

There's no need to describe looking after yourself and your son as "selfish". It's quite the opposite! I do wonder if you need a new group of friends ... if you were my daughter, I would worry about you.

Dozy that 'selfish' mindset (to care about myself, to value myself, is selfish, therefore my needs don't count) is exactly the thing that Henry Cloud's book addresses!

Let me get it:

Myth no 1: If I set boundaries, I am being selfish

How can you set limits on people who need me? A deep fear of being self-centred, interested only in one's own concerns and not those of others. It is absolutely true we are to be a loving people, concerned for the welfare of others. So don't boundaries turn us from other-centredness to self-centredness? The answer is no. Appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others. How can this be true?

First, let's make a distinction between selfishness and stewardship. Selfishness had to do with a fixation on our own wishes and desires, to the exclusion of our responsibility to love others. For one thing, we may not WANT what we NEED. God is much more interested in meeting our needs than he is granting our wishes. Even with God's help, however, it is crucial to understand that meeting our own needs is basically OUR job. We can't wait passively for others to take care of us.

A helpful way to understand setting limits is that our lives are a git from God. Just as a store manager takes good care of a shop for the owner, we are to do the same with our souls. If a lack of boundaries causes us to mismanage the store, the owner has a right to be upset with us. We are to develop our lives, abilities, feelings, thoughts, and behaviours. Our spiritual and emotional growth is God's 'interest' on his investment in us. When we say no to people and activities that are hurtful to us, we are protecting God's investment. As you can see, there is quite a difference between selfishness and stewardship.

Do you see this? Immature Twat has brought all his problems onto himself, and he NEEDS to feel the intense discomfort, in order to grow up and change. So you 'helping' him and 'saving him, are getting in the way of his vital development. He doesn't want to feel like sh*t, but he needs to.

And you? You need to face the pain and admit that that text HURT YOU DEEPLY. You have given to this man, so much in the hope of being loved a little bit back and there in black and white is his message: I dont' care about you or your pain I only care about me and my pain.

So remember your charge to yourself and God: boundaries help you protect yourself from people or things that hurt you, and it is not being selfish to set limits, it stops you from people who don't care about you sucking you dry.

How did it go hun? Did you manage to get rid?

Hope your ds will be ok :) you sound like a fantastic mum :)

If he offers the excuse that he has nothing to give right now - well, neither do you. You have more than enough on your plate without having to try and support him through a stressful situation of his own making.

You have a child with complex needs to care for. Not having bandwidth for someone else is absolutely understandable.