Trapped. Rock and hard place :(

[DozyDuck]

Ok back story is I have a child who has autism and severe learning difficulties as well as a number of other disabilities/ conditions.

I have been seeing this guy for about 3/4 months but have been friends with him for ages. Have loads of mutual friends etc. I thought it was going to be wonderful because we already get on so well and DS already knows him and has seen him so he could carry on seeing him in a 'friend' context and I could have a relationship with more than just stolen moments when DSs dad pulls his finger out.

Anyway it was all amazing at first, it always is I suppose, but then BF got suspended from work.

Understandably he was gutted and very very stressed. They wont tell him whether or not he is going to get fired (he suspects he will) and have dragged it out for about a month so far.

Anyway I have tried my hardest to be there for him completely. Including taking phone calls from his mates at 1am listening to how much of a bad way he is in and finding a way to get him to mine and basically between him and DS not getting any sleep, forcing him to wash (after not for over a week) feeding him, waiting up all night when he said he needed me etc. I really feel he is getting himself into a rut and he's on a path of self destruction. He's even talked about suicide while he was drunk :(

Anyway being there for him isn't the issue, I'd do that for anyone, I just want everyone to be ok and I will go without sleep to make things a bit better it isn't a big deal.

But then today happened.

Basically I've been holding everything in and putting myself on the back burner to see to him, while I feel like a tidal wave is coming at me in my own life. DS is regressing again, losing all his skills, he has been having a lot of episodes which the paediatrician thinks are complex seizures, as soon as these seemed to stop, the regression happened (he regressed once at 3.5 and we basically lost all of who he was and had to build him up from scratch) this week he has been for scans, the results of which I won't get until January. On top of this it's Christmas, I can't go and visit my family because of his conditions so I'm stuck up here completely by myself and it feels lonely, my dad came to visit at the weekend and when he left I just really wanted him to come back so I could have someone. I do have family up here but they were horrendous about DS during his initial regression and I no longer talk to them. I am skint because last year I had to give up my career i worked really hard for to care for DS and I feel guilty about his second hand eBay presents. Basically everything is going to shit right now for me. But I've been holding it together really well.

That was up until today, I got the letter from his statement review basically putting all my worries about him in black and white. It was the last straw if that makes sense and I completely broke down. I didn't turn to BF about it because I know he's got his own stuff but then he sent a text asking if I was ok and I just sent a massive message telling him how everything felt shit today and telling him why etc.

He replied 'well what do you want me to say? I feel shit myself, I can't be nice to you because I don't feel very nice'

I do understand he's going through shit at the moment I really do, and maybe I shouldn't have text him, but it really hurt to just be turned away like that after everything I've done to support him. I told him I just wanted him to say something nice or come round and give me a cuddle or something and he said 'well I feel shit and now I've got someone having a go at me. I'm going to bed'

I don't think I can do this anymore.

It isn't a long term relationship yet but I don't want to be the bitch who kicked someone when they were down, but I also can't be used as his rock and then pushed away the second I need something.

I can't leave him it would be the final straw for him while he is so fragile.

But I'm completely drained and to be honest, after tonight, completely heart broken.

I should just wait it out shouldn't I? It's bound to get better when he actually finds out about his job? It'll just be all the horrible stress and I can't add to that can I?

This probably doesn't even make sense to anyone.
Sorry

I ended up going out last night and seeing him out, he made a massive effort to make it up to me to be honest. Asking if I was ok every 5 minutes and apologising every half an hour or so.

I had a talk with him and told him that while I understood he was going through a lot I wasn't going to tolerate being turned away when I had a problem and I can't be woken up anymore.

He said he woke up yesterday realising how ridiculously selfish he had been and he felt terrible about it.

Also last night my 'cousin' saw me out and tried to talk to me like everything was normal (said nasty things about DS in the past and that side of the family totally isolated me because of not wanting a disabled family member) and then had a go at me when I didn't engage him. I completely broke down and BF was straight there telling him to back off and sorting me out.

I'm really hoping that he's shocked himself out of his attitude, but I suppose only time will tell with that one really. I told him that if it happens again I would be straight out of his life and would never look back.

I'm glad he seems to have seen the error of his ways.

Be alert however to any repeat - it may be that he realised he had pushed you too far and is trying to reel you back in for more of the same.

Please, do work on your boundaries with people - saying 'no' and putting yourself first more. You have to look after your own emotional health for your own sake and your dc's. You're no good to anybody if you let your strength be sapped by users.

Thank you I will definitely be on alert now thanks to you lot

I am hoping it's shocked him out of it all.

Dozy - this is the classic start of a abusive cycle - soon you will have a cocklodging emotion sucking arshole sitting on your sofa permanently and you will feel too emotionally involved to kick him out.

Raspberry is right. Don't give him another chance. He is going to hurt you even more very soon and you are going to start feeling worthless. Get away from him. He is toxic. Hope you have a lovely Xmas.

Yes, remember it is a cycle. If they were unrelenting selfish, it would be easier. But they are nice to hook you in, then nasty.

Please take care.

don't let him be a some hero op.

he really isn't. he's a sack of shit. and will let you down again pretty soon.

I know your religion is about love, compassion and forgiveness and acceptance of all, without wanting to change the person. BUT it's also about being aware of your 'self' and taking care of your needs. Being a soft hearted person does not mean allowing others to treat you like dog poo.

he sounds like a big headed, egotistical loser imo.

You seem to be willing to accept very little in the way of remorse, OP. So he's buttered you up for one evening, and basically being aggressive on your behalf to someone awful. All in all he must have demonstrated about 3 hours' worth of remorse, essentially through easy-to-say words, not real actions.

Take care of yourself and your ds first and foremost. By telling him that 'next time' you will leave you've indicated how far he can push things comfortably to get his own way. Which includes the threat of suicide. Are you sure he is really well enough to be around your ds?

Trib no one was aggressive.

I understand what you're all saying. Is it definitely a cycle of abuse ? Could it not be that he was feeling really low?

Oh telling him to back off = 'I think you need to leave her alone now' said with no aggression at all. We aren't aggressive people.

oh fuck, the royal fuking 'we' - well if we are not aggressive why the hell did one feel intimidated?????? If we are not aggressive why the fuck were we horrible for hours afterwards ???

We can all be prats when pissed but for his behaviour to have caused you as much concern as it did in your op - then you are lying to yourself one way or another.

So sorry wrong thread !!!!! but still think you need to look at the pattern Dozy an

I couldn't have put it better re:

bluebiscuitFri 21-Dec-12 00:02:53

Apologies for the bluntness.

^This creature you are dating is a sick fuck. He's probably been suspended from work because he's done something to deserve it. He needs to pull himself together and sort his life out himself. The fact that he has made you believe he'd kill himself is just manipulation and not your responsibility. Your lovely little boy is your responsibility - do not let an adult man baby steal any of your time/energy/money that should be spent on your son or yourself.

Easy decision- dump, follow up with zero contact.^

I can vouch for Henry Cloud's 'Boundaries' - Fantastic book, life-changing.

Please look at codependency . Have a look to see if there is a group near you.

apologising every half hour? That should be every 30 seconds. On his knees (actually, don't bother. He is a loser and will suck the very life out of you. What he said when in extremis says exactly where he is coming from, despite him making attempts to cover it up now. Get rid of him.)

Dozy, you have been together for 3 or 4 months, and in your words you ' feel like a tidal wave is coming at me in my own life'.

He really should not be leaning on you so heavily at this stage of your relationship. It's a bit late for him to start apologising now that he has finally pissed you off with all of his crap. You are clearly a very tolerant lady, but I really and struggling to see what is in this for you AND your son.

really am struggling

Sorry, Dozy, I agree with the other posters - a couple of hours of asking if you were OK every 5 minutes and apologising every half an hour - easy peasy, no effort at all. He's reeling you back in so he can let you down again. I hope you kept that nasty text he sent you because that's where he's telling you who he really is. Do yourself and your DS a great big Christmas favour and dump the energy-draining succubus today.

a relationship shouldnt be this much hard work at this very early stage. he will suck the life out of you. you cant fix his problems and your son needs you more at the moment. the energy youre wasting on this very new relationship is energy you could be putting into yourself and your son. your boyfriend has shown you how much regard he has for you. do you really want to be with him for the next 60 years? you say thongs might improve when he gets a job but then what about next time something stressful happens?

You were all right. I can't deal with it anymore. I tried so hard over Christmas but have just been used and treated like crap to be honest. Feel like a complete idiot.

Hi

Dozy sorry to hear how hurt you are, its not about who is right on here.
No one is going to say they told you so, the thing is some things have to be gone through for us to see the truth of the situation.

You have done all you can and can walk away with your head held high, please now only use your valuable energy for yourself and your child for a while.
You now know what it shouldnt be like this early on in a relationship, its a valuable lesson to learn, but is hard to lean it all the same, especially at this time of year and with your circumstances.

kick his arse to the kerb now and dont look back hun, he aint worth your time or tears, there are good men out there I assure you, just bide your time.

x

Thanks, I'm more gutted about what this means for my social life to be honest (which is very telling) because I really don't want to be anywhere near him.

No Dozy you are not a complete idiot love. You tried your best and it hasn't worked out. No shame on you--shame on him. I hope he realises what he has thrown away.

No more chances. 2013 is just around the corner. new year new start, Forget him and move on and find someone who treats you well

I'm spending new years eve the way I intend to spend the rest of the year, with my son

Aw Dozy, sorry for the break up. But great that you have done it now and not further down the line. Now you're free to meet someone who will look after you too.

Enjoy new years eve with your wee man