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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mixed messages.......going nuts

326 replies

A1980 · 19/12/2012 15:53

Supposed to be on "a break" with bf. I know I know it probably spells the end.

He has a lot of issue: unemployment, illness etc.

I expected no contact but so far I've had texts every week calling my by his special nicknames for me and most recently a card and present left at my office for Christmas with a note in the card saying lets trust 2013 is a great year.

had enough of mixed messages

wwyd?!

OP posts:

Thisisaeuphemism · 21/12/2012 08:46

Reminder: he's 35 and never left home!

Leave him safe in the bosom of his family. He is not going to grow up for you or anyone.

Original poster

A1980 · 21/12/2012 09:18

He had pretty much recovered by the time I lost my temper. he's capable of work but he just can't play sports. I didn't try leeching attention off a disabled man if that's what you think.

He got a decent redundancy pay out too. so it isn't as if he was penniless. he spends a lot of money on himself.

I just don't think He gets relationships. he hasn't had a relationship that has lasted longer than 4 months before me. he can't fly the nest, he always had to run home & hang out with parents for no reason even before he was ill, and jobless.

It just won't work. who am I kidding.

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AndrewMyrrh · 21/12/2012 13:23

A1980, as I was writing my last post, I thought I may come across a bit critical. I don't mean that at all - but this is possibly the storyline going through his mind at the moment.

I think your last line hits the nail on the head.

Original poster

A1980 · 21/12/2012 15:15

He said a lot of other very hurtful things too about my interests and how I didn't seem to have many when I have a load of them, way more then he does. he forgets things you tell him & we've discussed my interests so many times I've lost count only for him to ask the same questions. lately he's always talking about himself anyway.

I feel like shit today .....so depressed.

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/12/2012 16:01

This is just a duplicate of your other thread,k A1980. You weren't hearing what people were saying to you in that one either. I'm sorry for you, you're going to get so hurt.

Original poster

A1980 · 21/12/2012 16:17

I couldn't.find the old one or I would havecadded to it. it's hard for me to not get hurt when he wanted a break and now won't let me alone. texts cards presents, my nickname, he doesn't know what tenants maybe so it'll be hell for me while he think about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

A1980 · 21/12/2012 16:18

Believe me I couldn't be anymore hurt than I already am.

OP posts:

Original poster

A1980 · 21/12/2012 16:18

Sorry...doesn't know what he wants.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/12/2012 16:30

The only way you're going to stop hurting is if you take control of this yourself and start being stern with yourself. It's over, you know it is. He doesn't want to be with you but is enjoying your devoted angst. That's not nice and you deserve better. Stop replying, ignore him completely - and keep ignoring him until he gets the message.

... and find something else to focus on A1980 because honestly, you're sounding obssessive about this man and he's not worth a minute of your time. Even if he were (and he ISN'T), you should have other interests and activities in your life. I've been where you are, detach yourself and start having a life again.

catsrus · 21/12/2012 16:33

think of it this way OP shitty things happen to lots of people, illness, work problems etc. That's life - none of us are immune from it!

Do you want to be with someone whose reaction to shitty things happening is to push you away? wouldn't it be better to be with someone whose reaction is to work with you as team to get through it?

You deserve better than this. It doesn't matter what he wants - it matters what you want, and you don;t want to be treated like this.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/12/2012 16:35

This is your other thread, A1980... every message on it is supportive of you, just not agreeing with you about the way you perceive this man feels about you. You deserve so much better.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1622303-Think-its-over-need-hand-holding

AndrewMyrrh · 21/12/2012 16:44

A1980 - just saw your last thread too.

I think you are over-investing in this relationship and over-analysing. Just stop now before you lose all self respect, and if they are sick of listening to you, friends too.

Original poster

A1980 · 21/12/2012 16:56

I know and you've all been so kind and I am grateful.

It was just so perfect, I wasn't great either to him but I don't deserve what he did.

I'm just so upset I don't know what to do. I hardly have any family my friends spend Xmas with their own family.

My friends aren't good at keeping up commitments, when my bf didn't want to do something with me I didn't care I would say id go with a friend but they never get back to me. so I have all these interests but no one to share them with. I go everywhere alone now.

He took everything that I was and threw it in my face as reasons not to be with me even my taste in music. I have been dumped for a lot of things, other women etc but never for something as silly and unfair as this. a perfectly good relationship:we had fun never stopped laughing amazing chemistry and its thrown away fosuch silly things.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 21/12/2012 17:19

It obviously really wasn't perfect.

Yes, you will have to pursue all your interests alone for now.

That's a good thing.

Then perhaps next time a relationship goes wrong, you'll be able to walk away without too much clinging because you'll have forged an interesting and fulfilling life for yourself.

See this break up as an opportunity for you!

Thisisaeuphemism · 21/12/2012 17:36

Oh A1980, you sound so sad.

But he is not the answer to your problems. People find themselves single at all ages, and at 33 you are way too young to lose hope of finding someone wonderful.

He is not wonderful. You deserve more than to be dicked around by this one.

Reminder again; he has never left home!

aroomofherown · 21/12/2012 17:49

I echo euphemism.

You are still young and this is definitely NOT your last chance to be happy, have an enriching marriage and a lovely family. I think you've dodged a bullet here. He lives at home, which indicates a much deeper group of problems like being unable to take responsibility for himself etc.

It is shit being alone (I know) but it's a hell of a lot better than being messed around by an immature, self-absorbed, manipulative boy man. It might be worth spending some time working out why you are so eager to please, and define your boundaries a little more clearly.

Dottiespots · 22/12/2012 00:28

Im sorry, I know you feel distraught but your just going round and round in circles. For whatever reasons this man is not in love with you and does not want to be with you. He has moved away and is moving on. You are continuing to go over everything , looking for where it went wrong, what you could have said or done differently etc.....but in the end he just doesnt want to be with you. If he did he would be there with you now. Men are quite simple creatures and if they want you they chase you and if they dont then they move on. Have you ever read the controversial book "The Rules"?? It might seem old fashioned but my goodness does it keep you on the straight and narrow when it comes to men. It makes you step back and see how we make mistakes with men and how we can change the way we behave for the better. And it explains how chasing men is the last thing you should ever do if you want a man. Read it and get your self esteem back on track and next time make sure you choose the right man.

tallwivglasses · 22/12/2012 01:35

Taste in music? Is he 12?

Recently you've had misery. Cut him off and, well, who knows what might happen, who you might meet, what's waiting for you out there? It's exciting, exhillarating!

Or you could hang about for nobweasel and see if things get better.

Original poster

A1980 · 23/12/2012 19:40

One of my friends is about to be left high and dry too. her bf is going home abroad for good and they May not last.

We're planning new courses and stuff to do next year. I'm trying.......

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Thisisaeuphemism · 23/12/2012 19:48

It is good to have single mates. You sound more positive A. I hope so.

Reminder; he has never left home!!

Original poster

A1980 · 23/12/2012 19:52

I'm still suffering as I cannot control my unconscious mind. the vivid dreams are killing me as they're so real and then I wake up alone.........had one last night.

OP posts:

Thisisaeuphemism · 23/12/2012 19:55

It is the worst time of year for a break up. But let the knowledge you've got through this make you stronger. Maybe make some more lovely plans for the new year. Nice holidays, great courses, volunteering overseas, new job? Etcetc

tallwivglasses · 23/12/2012 19:57

They'll pass. It's just your unconscious processing it all - or something. He's a mummy's (and daddy's) boy. That's so unattractive. And he's cruel. That's ugly.

CabbageLeaves · 23/12/2012 20:01

A1980- you're a poster I remember (some posters stick in your mind) as sorted and rational. At the moment you are not (sorry)

This relationship has screwed you up. I was in one like this. I adored passionately which allowed him to behave like an arse and in my obsessive loved up state I excused, allowed....etc. It was like being on a roundabout and being spun around until you have no sense of anything, can't think straight and can't focus.

get off the roundabout

He will whether intentionally, cruelly or just through inadequacy, mess with your head until you forget that you were one day a normal person

Original poster

A1980 · 23/12/2012 20:02

I know. he's totally under their thumb. Most of the time he was unavailable at weekends was because he was doing stuff for them. it won't change in fact it'll worsen as they age.
But it's also a choice he's made. my parents don't fulfil all my social needs.

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