Mixed messages.......going nuts

[A1980]

Supposed to be on "a break" with bf. I know I know it probably spells the end.

He has a lot of issue: unemployment, illness etc.

I expected no contact but so far I've had texts every week calling my by his special nicknames for me and most recently a card and present left at my office for Christmas with a note in the card saying lets trust 2013 is a great year.

had enough of mixed messages

wwyd?!

I have to say, you had me at "he's never moved out of his parents house" At 35?! I don't think this guy is a great catch.
You sound lovely but super willing to please. Listen to aunty cog!

He's super attached to home.

I thank you euphemism I try. I am a kind person, I laugh all the time, I have lots of interests and am outgoing. he ripped my character apart and everything I am. he's knocked the hell out of me and I feel worse than useless and unloveable now.

Sounds like a bit of a knob f you ask me. Whilst you are wasting time on him it means you are not open to any other potential relationships. You could be missing out on an opportunity for meeting mr right. Sounds like you have given too much. Get your interests back, dust yourself down and get yourself out there. Don't let anyone diminish you. And as for a break.,...... Well I'm a bit of fashioned you are either in or not. You can't go backwards too much energy! Be assertive tell him it's over at least you will go with your head held high.

OP, I dated a guy like this. Relationship was perfect, he was hinting at marriage 3 months in, etc. Then one day he tells me all the "fun" had went out of our relationship and how had I not noticed? I think this was about 7-8 months in.

We limped along for a few months until I brought things to a head and he moved out. No contact, clean break for about 3-4 weeks, then he calls me. Wants to meet up. Slowly he starts offering me crumbs and I was so head over heels in love, I took what I could get. This carried on for another year.

I was miserable. I never knew where I stood with him, I was walking on eggshells at all times and I was a shell of my former self.

Then he cheated on me. I caught him out when I went round to his place unexpectedly. Did he ever apologise? Nope. Is he miserable? I have no idea. I've never spoken to him since.

I spent a long time angry at him and angry at myself for allowing him to control me in that way.

You're better than this. You're worth more than he's able or willing to give you.

Go no contact. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Shortly after this toxic relationship ended, I met my DH. I learned what it's like for a guy to be so into you that he makes you his number one priority. I was never that to the ex. And I deserve to be someone's number one and so do you.

He was fine until the problems set in though.

Most relationships are fine when life is rosy and effortless. It's when things get tough that relationships are tested because you get to see what people are really like.

Agree, ignore him completely. Don't text again asking what's going on, just go silent. It's what he deserves - it takes away his control. You need to get some control. Get out and about and meet other people. You deserve better and it will come along when you make space in your life for it.

how serious was his operation or reason to be in hospital? Have you visited him there? I think this could have some bearing as he really changed after that. Could it affect him mentally or caused depression?

'could it have affected'

That's the thing likeatonneofbricks....he was in hospital for two weeks with a bone infection. I did visit him there but again, it has had a lingering affect on him and he won't recover fully for a while. He can't do the things he likes to do now, play golf, go running, play football, he is still in too much pain and the limb too weak.

Not only did his job come to an end, he lost the ability to participate in everything he enjoys. his mood declined very sharply after he left hospital. He just wasn't the same, interestingly enough his tone was flat and lacking in enthusiasm in most phone calls just the way mine is now as I am depressed over losing him.

I took a swipe at him for not paying me enough attention when he had all that going on as well. but I am only human and it had been sidelined for a couple of months. I am so sorry I lost my cool and it was genuinely out of order but what's done is done.

I think it has affected his mood which is why I sympathise and to an extent understand. I have replayed in my head over and over and over again, with all of my ex boyfrineds if they weren't into me, they were shitty with me and let me know they couln't be arsed with me. he was totally into me, kind caring attentive, etc. it cannot have been insincere. I don't think any of this would have happened but for his problems. he sounded desperate when he said, I can't give you what you want, I'm not capable now. I think it's the job loss and illness. he's not in a good place for a relationship and he needed a partner who understood that him paying attention to another's needs was going to be impossible. But then again parents of young children have illlnesses and what not, they don't chekc out of caring for them.

I don't know....

Was he the one that didn't want you to visit when he was recouperating somewhere???

Yup same one cogito.

It wasn't that he didn't want me to visit: I thought he didn't want tme to visit as i was paranoid. I didn't feel able to ask as it was his parents house. but my fears were unfounded they invited me like the day after i started that thread.

You know, sometimes things do work out after a rough patch....... Good luck, you sound like you still love him.

Thanks ginger. I do love him. but breaks don't work I think. not seeing each other is what caused the problems. a break will make it worse.

a bit confused about the time frame - you said 'it had been sidelined a couple of months' after you had a go at him, but i thought you said before that the break was only 3 weeks - or was it months?
fwiw I'm terrible when i feel ill and not functioning properly - I just want to hide away, is that unreasonable? I thought that him textig about positive 2013 is a good sigh, but obv no one agrees on here, so i may be wrong. It's just if he is in pain and has depressing life atm he feels he can't offer anything, though of course it's wrong to refuse meeting you - or at least speak on the phone if it's only been 3 weeks! but if 3 months - then it's wrong of course.

I mean it's wrong if he was only texting/phoningg for 3 months, rather than weeks.

Id been sidelined a little 6 weeks or so before hospital. but he had job issues so that was a reason.

He probably did just want to hide away. but I tried to encourage him to get out more.

the break has been 3 weeks. nothing but friendly but ambiguous texts and the great 2013 comment. I don't know. I don't even think he does either. he hasn't replied to me saying we need to talk.

I'm assuming its a break up and grieving

Definitely do not reply. And put him out of your mind as much as possible. Set yourself a goal of, say, a week at a time and every time you think of him ring someone else, or do exercise, or distract yourself somehow. It will get easier.

hmm, but why would he mention 2013? is he was seriously sure of break up he really wouldn't as he's not a nasty type generally, as you say - he may have just said that he's not good for you and leave it. He may well not know yet how much his recovery takes etc but to me it sounds like he still thinks you may resume relationship if and whe nhe gets better. If he was always kind and nice before, I think he may ne is not a very strong character and deals badly with being 'useless'. BUT I think you should insist on meeting and talking soon if he wants you to consider 2013 with him - just say so, maybe direct approach will work. Just say that you can't bear this texting anymore and either you stop any contact or you meet and talk like grown ups even if he is still unwell and even if you both aern't sure of the future.

OR go cold turkey on him with no contact as others suggest and then when he recovers he can come and find you, meanwhile do things for yourself, but either way you need to stop doing what's hurting you (texting)

He mentioned 2013 as the card had standard wording saying merry Xmas and happy new year.

I don't think I should read into the 2013 for my own sake but I hope there is something in it.

I don't know cutting off all contact May make it worse.

try the ultimatum as i suggested above, if you don't want to just go silent on him. Can you leave a voice message - if you talk calmly and like a grown up that 'it's either meeting or nothing as texting is too painful', he may well respond - if not you've lost nothing and just can leave it then.

if you believe it's the end, how can anything make it worse - try an assertive calm approach, if you still think there is something to save.

I honestly think you need to chalk it up to experience and move on with your life. It's horrid for this to happen at Christmas.

If I am reading this right, his perception is that when he was going through the loss of his job, then followed by a serious infection that hospitalised him, you confronted him and said you didn't think he was giving you enough attention (probably fair point). He has responded by saying he doesn't think he is capable of giving you what you need, and you go on a 'break'.

Asking him to explain his texts, or to meet up and talk is only going to portray you as being a bit needy and not respecting his wishes. Sorry, but I think it will come across this way. I think the only way for you to come out of this with any dignity, is to move on and go no contact.

Believe me OP, I tried to convince myself that my ex still cared, wanted me, etc. it's because he's a coward that he's treating you this way.

What he should do is man up and say he doesn't want to be with you. What's he has done instead is take a "break" which leaves him free to date/shag if the opportunity arises and he can be guilt free because you aren't together. But he keeps you on the back burner by giving you a little contact, a little hope.

I know you don't want to hear that or believe it. I certainly didn't at the time.

If he cared about you the way you care about him, he'd be more concerned with your feelings and not want to put you through this emotional roller coaster.

Take care of yourself, look after your feelings. And ignore, ignore, ignore. If he wants you, he'll come back and be with you full time.

You shouldn't be in a relationship where one person holds all the cards. You shouldn't live in fear of doing or saying the wrong thing and "messing" it all up. That kind of fear is destructive to you as a person.

My relationship with the ex was all rosy and fine too until problems set in, he wasn't happy with his job, he was stressed. Nothing that had anything to do with us as a couple but there was always an excuse. And I kept buying them until he found someone to replace me with, because I wanted it to work out. He just wanted a warm body until he found someone better.

I'm sure you'll read this and think it's not the same for you and maybe it's not. But you need to really examine your relationship and what's going on and if any of what I've said rings true, then pull away. Take the power back.

I'm rooting for you OP. there is life after such relationships. And it can be so much better