Possible BPD husband

[gladiolus]

I've posted a few times about our problems. Long story short, I left him six months ago because I could no longer live with him, he begged me to at least continue our relationship in different houses if he promised to get help for his anger issues. I agreed and since then we have been together but living apart. He did see his GP and is waiting for an appointment with the mental health team.

Anyway, yesterday we were talking about the issue of women-on-men abuse in soaps. He started looking something up on my iPad and he must have found something which caught his interest as, after about half an hour of thoughtful surfing he asked me if I had ever heard of Borderline Personality Disorder. I said I had and asked him why.

"Because I think I might have it," he said.

Cue several hours of looking into it and half a dozen online tests which all seemed to point the the strong possibility that he might have moderate to severe BPD. A lot of the websites we found contained 'typical' descriptions of the way people with BPD act, think, behave etc and they are him to a tee, especially the whole Mr Nice/Mr Nasty thing, which his ex-wife told him as well.

One of the tests gave results for ALL personality disorders and he scored highly on Borderline/Antisocial/Histrionic, but very low on Narcissistic (which was a relief) and the others.

So now he's a bit scared about this and what it might mean. Personally I'm relieved as I had suspected he might suffer from some kind of personality disorder a while ago but I didn't like to present him with that thought as he would probably deny it extremely vocally. So for him to come to this by himself is very interesting and encouraging.

So, what do we do now? Obviously he needs to bring this up with the mental healthy person he eventually sees in the hopes of getting a firm diagnosis, but how can I help him? How can I support him? It doesn't help that I have suspected Asperger's and am awaiting my own diagnosis so, in his words, "We are both nutjobs."

Despite my last thread, I am not prepared to give up on my marriage, even though we currently cannot live together, but I want to help him with this. I want the nice husband back.

Some of these comments about BPD are vile. Some of you are forgetting this is an illness, and the behaviors all have a reason.

Also disagree with the risk of it being passed on, and would argue that the risks during of the traits being developed during childhood would be as much encouraged by certain dismissive parenting styles, not by BPD itself. There are links between things like CIO and mental health conditions, for example.

The OP is being practical, and seeking to educate herself, not be faced with mental health stigma and unneeded guilt trips. A bit of compassion, ladies, surely.

"Some of these comments about BPD are vile. Some of you are forgetting this is an illness, and the behaviors all have a reason."

Abusive behaviour should not be lumped together with BPD. That is not vile.

The point about the children is that placing them in an abusive and traumatic environment with one parent with BPD isn't the greatest idea.

OP sounds co-dependent. That's MY opinion from what she has written, over and above being compassionate.

My husband had BPD (paranoid) he was diagnosed in his 20s (now in his 40s) He told me as soon as we met but I didnt understand the full extent of what this diagnosis meant. We have been married for 7 years and we have 2 DC. Life is sometimes very hard. He takes medication and in times of great stress goes and sees a psychiatrist. A diagnosis will help not necessarily help your partner to accept and change his bad behaviour. It doesnt work like that. Though it is a step in the right direction for him to acknowledge the problems and seek proper help. If you ever want to chat please feel free to PM me.

Is it co-dependent to love your husband and want to help him?

A thought occurred to me whilst taking some time away to think about this today.

If I had a child who was presenting with possible BPD, or any other MH issue, would I be being told to abandon him and let him sort it out by himself? Or would I be told that my job was to support him and help him?

Assuming the answer is no, then why should I be told to abandon my spouse? I have taken steps to protect myself and my children; we have moved out and have no plans to live with him in the foreseeable future. From this point on, as his wife (in sickness and in health, remember? MH is a sickness) my job is to help him and support him.

"OP where did he get BPD from in the first place? Cause it isn't a well known condition. How did he come about being on a site and thinking, ah I think I may have that?"

The answer to that is in my OP.

I love my child unconditionally and she is a child. Your DH is an adult, responsible for his own health. FWIW if my child was an adult and had an issue such as BPD or addictions which caused abusive or violent behaviour, I would hope to distance myself in the hope that they would seek help.

It is not codependent to love and support your spouse. It is codependent to love them at the expense of yourself, hurt yourself and your family, support them with abusive behaviours and to keep putting yourself and your MH at risk when he hasn't changed his behaviours. Again, I think you need to do some serious, in depth, intensive work on yourself.

OP I think you are dealing with this well; you are maintaining the separate houses, so yes, you are protecting yourself whilst this is going on. And you sound lovely.

MrsTerrys seeing as one of the biggest issues with BPD is a fear of abandonment, if you did that, you would simply be confirming all the underlying fears that plague BPD sufferers.

Using your stance though OP, it should be his mother or father who helps sort him out, not the person he has treated so badly
He isn't your child.
Marriage vows also say to love and cherish

I was using the analogy as A N Other loved one. Should I abandon a friend/parent/sister/older child/other loved one just because they have MH issue? I would not expect my family and friends to abandon me because I might have AS. I would expect them to love me and support me and try to understand and maybe educate themselves on what AS is, which indeed they have done. That's all I am trying to do for my husband, who I still love deeply despite his faults.

If I held the attitude that, "Well, I'll only help him if it doesn't put me out at all," what kind of person does that make me?

I have a wonderful best friend who puts up with my AS behaviour even though occasionally I have been short and sharp with her. Not very often, as she rarely annoys me. She is the best friend I could possibly have and I love her dearly. If she were a lesser human being she might decide that I'm not worth the trouble. But she is a wonderful person and she still sticks by me.

I want to HELP him get better, NOT to support his abusive behaviour. I want to help him realise that his behaviour is unacceptable and help him find ways to control his Mr. Nasty, which, to be fair, has been far less in evidence since we moved out. I really think he is trying.

I just had a look at one of your other threads. This is the charmer who deliberately dropped your dd on the floor and treats your children like crap. And who your children actually hate.
Honestly, why you would want to defend and help this man is just unfathomable.
The work you need to do is on yourself, why you would even consider thinking such a man should be inflicted on your children.

Except Santa that he hasn't actually been diagnosed with anything yet. All we know is that he has been hurtful, impulsive, self-destructive etc. She is looking for reasons to keep understanding and putting up with behaviours. Which is what makes me think this is about codependency rather than BPD.

I'm hiding this thread now but please just ask yourself what it is you are frightened of by leaving this man and being single?

If you want to help people, go and volunteer for some charity work.

Good luck.
Please look after your children.

mcmooncup I had avoided doing that because I suspected that the behaviours went further than shouting. Please, OP, at least look at some therapy for yourself. Were your parents codependent? Any addictions or MH in that relationship?

^this is an illness

No, it isn't. It's a term concocted by psychiatrists to give a label to people who are difficult/impossible to treat. A personality disorder by definition can't be treated, because it's labelled as a flaw in the personality, rather than some kind of chemical imbalance.

Of course, all of this presupposes that mental distress is capable of being categorised in this way - many people, including some psychiatrists (although relatively few I'll grant you) would dispute this.

But it's not an illness.

DO any of you actually read any threads, or do you just skim and fill in the blanks with your own opinions? Do you have any idea how f*ing long it takes to actually get an appointment with the NHS for some bloody therapy after seeing your GP?

JUNE was when he went to see his GP about this!! Flipping JUNE! And he's still waiting. So it's all very well blithely saying "Oh yes get some therapy!" WTHeck do you think we're TRYING to do??

And, yeah, like I have time for charity work! I work full time and am a single parent to two kids, a cat and a puppy. I want to help people that I LOVE, not people I don't give a toss about.

So, hide the f*ing thread if you like - I don't want your opinions anyway.

Sorry to those of you who were actually trying to be supportive, and to those who sent me some lovely PMs.

I don't know why I even came here. I should've known better than to think that the regular denizens of MN would actually want to help someone who was suffering from a mental illness if he was MALE!

This is the bastard that THREW your baby, not dropped, THREW her onto the bathroom floor.

He's no more BPD than my childminder's cat.

WTF are you doing still talking to this horrific man? He could have killed her.

This is a ruse, it's to compete with your potential diagnosis, to remove all support from you.

Don't do a thing until he gets a DX from 3 independent Drs.

Oh and don't hold your breath.

There many BPD sufferers, most of them do NOT abuse their partners/children.

There is NO reason whatsoever to be with anyone that doesn't treat you with love, care and respect. NONE.

Wake up love, you were with a VERY violent, damaged and dangerous man.

Bathroom? Threw? WTF did you get bathroom and threw? CAN you actually read?

I think everyone just wants you to make sure that you put your own health and mental health and that of your children at the top of your priority list.

I want to HELP him get better, NOT to support his abusive behaviour. If the diagnosis is right then your relationship with him actually makes it very difficult to do this effectively.

I have a close friend who has had a diagnosis of BPD for the last 15 years (having worked her way through several alternative diagnoses prior to that). I have learnt that I have to place clear consistent boundaries around myself for acceptable behaviour: times when I don't answer the phone, times when I withdraw, times when I tell her what she is doing is wrong even if that is thrown back in my face as lacking love and care. If I don't maintain these boundaries she becomes more and more dependent, needy and (yes) abusive. If I hold my boundaries I can function, and I can maintain my care of and for her. If I don't she is not any better off and I am a lot worse.

She is my friend, I am hers. Even when I am holding the line.

Well I would disagree. With a combination of medication and talking therapy, I am now stable and doing things that I wasn't able to about a year ago.

OP, I don't know your history with this man, other than what I've read on this thread. But if someone is treating you badly, for whatever reason, then it's probably a good move to distance yourself from them.

And him reading stuff on the internet and diagnosing himself with a 'disorder' whose very existence is controversial and has only come about as a catch-all for people who are resistant to such treatment as is available doesn't mean that he is some kind of vulnerable unwitting pawn in the story of his own life. Which means that you don't have to stay around and fix him if it's causing you harm.

frilly isn't that the point though...you have done that, you are making progress, you have taken responsibility for your life...and that is fantastic.

If he has the diagnosis BPD and is offered, accepts and totally commits himself to treatment, then HE might change. The problem is that no-one can do it for him, in just the same way as no-one did it for you

"I want to HELP him get better, NOT to support his abusive behaviour. If the diagnosis is right then your relationship with him actually makes it very difficult to do this effectively."

Can you please explain this; I'm not sure what you mean.

"And him reading stuff on the internet and diagnosing himself with a 'disorder' whose very existence is controversial and has only come about as a catch-all for people who are resistant to such treatment as is available doesn't mean that he is some kind of vulnerable unwitting pawn in the story of his own life."

As he only discovered the existence of this disorder (not sure why you've put it in single quotes) a couple of days ago I hardly think he is doing it on purpose.

foolonthehill i was just disagreeing with what wallison said, that BPD is not an illness but a term concocted by psychiatrists to give a label to people who are difficult/impossible to treat.

I've put it in single quotes because a lot of people, including psychiatrists, don't think it exists.

My illness is not a flaw in my personality.

I am not my illness.

What you said, Wallison, is a hideous thing to say.

And seeing as there is a diagnostic criteria, and therapy programs designed especially for BPD / EID, I think the crap you are sprouting is both outdated and potentially harmful to those of us that battle this illness every single fucking day.

OP I can't read this hatred any more, it is damaging for my own mental health. Please PM me if I can help at all.