Videoing topless girls on holiday - overreacting or not?

[christmaswish]

He's been converting his first family's holiday vidoes, from VHS to DVD. He hasn't let me see them, because he said he'd hate for me to see his ex wife (fair enough I guess, but then he's sitting in the next room watching them). He did cut bits out, so I could see him when he was younger, and put them on a DVD for me & DD1.

So today I couldn't find it. I went to the pile, grabbed one & put it on. Yes, I'm perfectly aware that it may have been something he didn't want me to watch. So flame me, I'm a horrible bitch.

The video was a family holiday. To start with DH in the nude, with their DS. Then his ex & DSS. He claimed he didn't want me to watch as his ex would make me insecure & they went nude together. So there is this ordinary, chubbyish woman, fully clothed. I warmed to her instantly. He'd portrayed her as a slut, who got her tits out for guys, which is not what I saw. She seemed nice.

What made me gasp though - there were clips over the top, of other women. Very young women, very toned & bronzed, some topless. He zoomed in on their butts & boobs.

To start with I assumed that he'd just panned around, and got distracted... not so. He's deliberately edited it, so that in the middle of mum & son playing, there are about thirty seconds of other women. All clips he took, have close-ups of other women in. I felt really sorry for his ex wife. Very sorry :(

I've always been extremely insecure with DH, over & above every other relationship. He has done things to cause this, such as Adultwork, but is home all the time, and makes out to others, that he's a loving partner, to a paranoid bitch.

Last night I woke up, to find women in their undies on tv - he was watching a programme about prostitutes, and them seducing men.

We've never been on holiday - he has been abroad twice, to nudist beaches, since we married. And I've never seen all the photos he's taken.

When out, he never walks with me. When we dropped his son off, there was a young woman, that DH didn't take his eyes off. About 20mins, he just stared at her. He never even waved his son off. He claimed to not have done it, but I feel so ugly.

We don't have a good sex life. He can't come unless I've dressed up in stockings, which is tiring for me.

He sounds like a creepy bastard.

Why are you still married to him?

What good stuff does he do for you?

Have you children together, what the hell is in this relationship for you.

Ummm.. That is as creepy as hell.

He clearly has entitlement issues. He doesn't seem to be a very nice person and he puts you on edge.

I'd be very concerned that he'll pass this behaviour onto your son.

Have you posted about him before? You need to leave him, there is nothing else anyone can say.

I hope you find the strength to leave, I know it's easier said than done.

He's a creepy perv. Never mind the video, going on holiday alone to a fucking nudist beach would be a deal-breaker for me (and I'm not uptight about nudity or even DH seeing women in the nude necessarily but on his OWN? When you haven't had a family holiday? No way).

He sounds absolutely ghastly - LTB

We don't have a son, his son is from his first marriage & is an adult now. We have a DD.

I did post about the adultwork thing, when he wanted to look at a 19yr old. He sent the link to his son, and it makes me sick to have had his son in our house, knowing that he & his dad were looking at a girl naked, and laughing about it, behind my back.

I don't know how to bring up the videos. He will just get angry & make it my fault.

I've tried to talk about things, but he just calls me crazy. Like he wants me to STFU.

So so creepy. If this was a casual acquaintance I'd be avoiding them like the plague. If this was my dh I'd be mortified and making my exit plan.
Every separate point would be a reason for leaving.
Why did you let the sex site go?
Why would you stay with someone who views women as objects?
Why would you be with someone who ogles other women for 20 minutes?
I'm sorry but I'd be assuming that he's been unfaithful either abroad or at home and I'd be getting tested for stds-yes I'm extrapolating from what you've said, but that is what I would be doing.
So sorry for you

I would be very uncomfortable with this. The videoing, the lying about it, other issues (adultwork etc) and he can only come when you're wearing stockings

Aside from all this, he makes you feel insecure

He sounds like a pervy voyeur. Is he the kind of man you'd like on a beach when any teenage DD's that you might have are relaxing?

Being a lecherous creep is "ugly". THAT's the issue.

Why on earth does he go off on nudist beach holidays on his own, rather than joint hols? Well, I realise the answer is obvious, but why have you gone along with this?

Ah, I though it I recognised this.

I don't think this is a recoverable situation. He has no respect for you or any other woman, including your DD as she grows up.

you could try counselling but I'm not sure it could ever be successful in massively changing someone. It might help him understand the effect it has on you and hide it better, though.

Are you happy? Do you want to stay with him?

He clearly doesn't like women.

Get out of this relationship OP. Now. There's nothing in it for you.

Trading images with his adult son? So twisted -please get away from this creep-he treats you like shit.
You don't have to discuss any of this with him-yes of course he'll just twist it all-he thinks you're worthless object to be manipulated at will.
You need to leave-your dd is in a toxic environment and it will poison her too.

Sorry, this is my first one of these on MN, but... LTB. For your own self respect. And the safety of your DD's friends as she gets older, by the sound of things.

OP - you know you don't have to have a reason to leave? You don't have to justify yourself, you can leave because of any or all of the things you have said without even mentioning the video stuff. And what if he does go mad over looking at the videos? He'd only be going mad because it enabled you to see something worse than looking at his videos. And that he, as your HUSBAND has been caught LYING to you.

He could be breaking the law if he continues, voyeurism is an offence!

Sorry for you op, he won't change tho

I did worry about him being unfaithful on holiday. There was one photo where the two of one thing, which he's explained over & again.

There were also some dubious photos of him, that he's explained - or rather made me feel mad for questioning. It looks obvious writing it down, but then to confront & be made to feel mad for questioning & paranoid...

I have found him looking on ebay at knickers, he refused to go back to the page, so I never knew what he was looking for. I also found a tab, which said something about school girls & womens clothing on Ebay. He wouldn't let me see it. He did confess that he was looking at a girl on there, that had been talked about on a forum, but he lied as he didn't want me to think that he looked for it all the time... of course this made me more suspicious, why not just show me the link?

I've turned into a paranoid, nagging wife, who gets uncomfortable with girls in lingerie on TV. I get moody if we watch a music channed FFS. I never used to be like that, but it's intuitive from being with a perv obviously.

I feel so, so sorry for his ex. There she was on holiday, whilst her hubby was shooting other women. She cheated on him apparently... I now wonder why.

You're not paranoid....Your dh is doing all the things you think he is and I would assume much more.
Very good point about illegal stuff-do you want to be associated with him when the police come round because he's been perving on people?
Make a plan.

Eeurghh, i'm afraid he sounds like a dirty perv.
Men do love to have a look now & then & watch a bit of porn but to tape people going about their everyday business without their knowledge is so wrong on many levels.
And then to not acknowledge your ds at the school so he can ogle a woman for 20 mins is disgraceful not to mention ghastly

You must feel so low op, the fact he isn't interested in you unless tarted up in full gear must make you feel exasperated & fed up!

Leave the bastard, imo would be best.
How dare he call his ex a slut, he is the male equivalant!

Creepy creepy creepy creepy

We've never been on holiday - he has been abroad twice, to nudist beaches

Everything you need to know about the guy is right there. Nothing wrong with nudism - but if he was just prancing about naked why wouldn't you all be able to go with him? God only knows what he was up to on these holidays but the fact he felt entitled to go on his own and exclude you is pretty awful in its own right.

He sounds like a textbook perv.

I bet his wife did not cheat on him. I bet she threw him out for being a manipulative abusive dirty old man. That's why he wants you to have no knowledge of her.

And now you feel 'really sorry' for her, reading your posts, OP, I am feeling sorry and concerned for you.

Oh dear, I really feel for you ; what a horrible situation.

I'll be honest though, if DH had been filming other women like that, let alone register on AW and exchanging images with DS, I'd be out of there.