Videoing topless girls on holiday - overreacting or not?

[christmaswish]

He's been converting his first family's holiday vidoes, from VHS to DVD. He hasn't let me see them, because he said he'd hate for me to see his ex wife (fair enough I guess, but then he's sitting in the next room watching them). He did cut bits out, so I could see him when he was younger, and put them on a DVD for me & DD1.

So today I couldn't find it. I went to the pile, grabbed one & put it on. Yes, I'm perfectly aware that it may have been something he didn't want me to watch. So flame me, I'm a horrible bitch.

The video was a family holiday. To start with DH in the nude, with their DS. Then his ex & DSS. He claimed he didn't want me to watch as his ex would make me insecure & they went nude together. So there is this ordinary, chubbyish woman, fully clothed. I warmed to her instantly. He'd portrayed her as a slut, who got her tits out for guys, which is not what I saw. She seemed nice.

What made me gasp though - there were clips over the top, of other women. Very young women, very toned & bronzed, some topless. He zoomed in on their butts & boobs.

To start with I assumed that he'd just panned around, and got distracted... not so. He's deliberately edited it, so that in the middle of mum & son playing, there are about thirty seconds of other women. All clips he took, have close-ups of other women in. I felt really sorry for his ex wife. Very sorry :(

I've always been extremely insecure with DH, over & above every other relationship. He has done things to cause this, such as Adultwork, but is home all the time, and makes out to others, that he's a loving partner, to a paranoid bitch.

Last night I woke up, to find women in their undies on tv - he was watching a programme about prostitutes, and them seducing men.

We've never been on holiday - he has been abroad twice, to nudist beaches, since we married. And I've never seen all the photos he's taken.

When out, he never walks with me. When we dropped his son off, there was a young woman, that DH didn't take his eyes off. About 20mins, he just stared at her. He never even waved his son off. He claimed to not have done it, but I feel so ugly.

We don't have a good sex life. He can't come unless I've dressed up in stockings, which is tiring for me.

I've turned into a paranoid, nagging wife, who gets uncomfortable with girls in lingerie on TV.

I don't think this is true. It seems to me that he's ignoring your (very legitimate!) concerns, minimising what you try to tell me, and turning it around so that YOU are the unreasonable, difficult one. That, with the fact that you say he tries to convince the outside world what a perfect person he is, uncomfortably smacks of gaslighting to me.

Showed this to DP.

A LTB from him too.

Uber Creepy.

OP

Take the stack of DVDs to the police then leave.

If you don't do it for yourself then do it for your daughter. He will (if he doesn't already) see her as a sex object.

Leave.

Its not his ex wife I feel sorry for she got out you need to feel sorry for you and find your exit. Goodluck

Please get out op. I fear for DD.

OP: somewhere deep inside you, there is a tiny spark of belief in yourself as a lovable person who is worthy of respect. Please please please find it, and take steps towards setting up a new life without this man. It's better to create your own happy family with just you and your DD, than to be with some who clearly does not respect you, or indeed any woman.

I wouldn't let my DH in the front door if I found that and if he treated me that way.

Is go to the police and say that I suspected he was looking at underage girls on the Internet, leave them the films and inform DH that it was my duty as a parent to do so.

Seriously aren't you worried about your daughter? I wouldn't leave him alone with her ever.

You don't need Dr Google or this board to diagnose your h's condition.

He's got an incurable perversion and you're best advised to dump the fucker before he corrupts infects your dc.

As for being worried that if you made contact with his exdw she'd tell him and he'd get really, really angry, feel the fear and DO IT anyway.

Talk to his ex and if your worst fears are realised and he kicks off. call the police. When they come to remove him from your home, give them a pile of his dvds/videos home movies to take back to the station so that they'll seize his computer see for themselves what manner of lowlife scum man he is.

Yuck, yucky yuck. Not normal at all.

I'd be contacting the ex and meeting up to hear her story.

His contempt for paedophiles comes from knowing how men like him look at girls. There may be an important age distinction but he's also expressing his knowledge about how he wants to act and others do.

His son may become an unpleasant person to have around your dd. hopefully the age gap is big enough that he'll be off in his own life before she's a teen.

"It isn't porn though, it was looking at other women, when with his wife."
"Now I'm wondering if him turning their holiday videos into a pervfest, may have made her feel crap, and therefore look for attention elsewhere"

I still very much doubt that he left her for having an affair. Most women, you know, would leave a man who was behaving as your DH does. Why do you think she would have stayed with him? Hopefully she left him before her self esteem was so undermined that she felt crap.

You, as the wife, and his ex wife, are not the only victims here. The most creepy thing is that he has been perviing over unknowing, non-consenting teenagers. Making you feel 'crap' because these women are 'hotter' is actually accepting his world - that women need to be 'hot' and young to be attractive and loveable.

Readers Wives is consensual - the women know they are being photographed, and from my memory of what I have seen they are actually normal ordinary women, not 'hot' or teenagers.

The 'it was a long time ago' is a complete red herring. He hasn't got rid of them, has he? And clearly he has started using more modern methods like Adultwork, whatever that is.

Your Mum is not giving you a healthy view of reality at all - sorry.

Why did you not pick up the Freedom Project opportunity before? I think now might be the time.

You are AFRAID of this man! Afraid of his reacyions. It is not healthy for you or your little girl to live with a man you are afriad of.

Please, pease, pick up the Freedom Project information. You will fnd that you are not alone - many women are experienceing what you are experiencing. You will recognise the patterns in ther lives, and they will recognise and support you in yours.

Do not discuss it with your Mum, get good support and professional help via counselling or Freedom Project.

You can do it, OP

Blu you are right. I am afraid. I can't talk to him. When I brought up Adultwork (which is a site where prostitutes advertise, and you pay to meet or webcam them), he just got angry. He still does. I've never let it go. I just can't argue. He seems to think he's done nothing wrong.

It just makes me feel sick - physically. He saw a young girl on a reality show, that we watched together, found out she was a prostitute, and then joined AW to look at her naked (his excuse anyway). So I get upset over it. He claims I am unreasonable. He is a "red-blooded" man, he do it for anyone, even "Helen Mirren". Then he justified it further by telling me that he'd sent the link to his son. His son who sits here, telling me that his dad fancies every woman we see on TV, making me feel uncomfortable & like a sack of spuds.

AF Sorry for disappointing you, I feel so guilty for that.

Ah, the comment about going onto AW to "look at a celebrity naked" has just rung a bell in my head. The X Factor contestant ?

Love, you don't need to worry about disappointing me it's yourself and your dc that should be occupying your mind

Why haven't you left him ? Serious question.

ChristmasWish - you do know that you are not being unreasonable, don't you?

Just say you had the confidence of a Ferrari in full throttle and did not feel personally undermined by his looking at prostitutes, videoing teens, leching over teen girls with his son , what he actually does still wouldn't be OK, would it? It isn't about whether you are 'jealous' or 'unreasonable' it is about what he is actually doing. What he does would still be wrong if you didn't feel threatened and undermined by it.

And another thing - you could look like miss world, and he would STILL do this. It isn't about you, it is about him.

You know in your heart of hearts that you are not unreasonable, that this is not OK behaviour of his, and that it is not good to live with someoone you fear. If you fall into the trap of believing other peolple's versions - like his and your Mum's - you won't be able to believe your own thoughts and feelings. It might seem easier in the short term to brush it all off, to accept 'I'm over-reacting' 'I'm jealous' 'if only I could stop being troubled by this, it would all be all right', but the trouble is that will just push your own self further under his control.

And he doesn't love you. Anyone who makes someone afraid to communicate their feelings can not love them. Control, possess, keep, manage, fuck, yes. Love - no.

So, who is your relationship FOR? For you? Doesn't sound like it, and it doesn't make you happy. For your DD? Don't fall into that trap. How on earth can he contribute to her growing up as a girl with her own sense of pride and assertiveness as a woman? He thinks women are objects. And as she grows, she will be just as afraid of him as you are. And be at risk of falling into abusve relationships herself.

As AF says, you don't need to apologise to anyone here.

You need help and support - finding the strength and clarity to rescue yourself is hard. Truly, I would start with your GP, the Freedom Project and maybe another call to Women's Aid about emotopnal abuse. Also - just have a look - see how much you would be entitled to as a single parent.

Most red-blooded men value a real relationship over ogling strangers.

You are both seprate human beings and live seprate lives but chose to share your life with each other to make each other happy because you love the other person.

This man does not improve your life but makes it horrible. This man does not consider you in his actions.

He does not deserve to share in your life, your joy or your happiness.

You have the right to chose not to have hin in your life.

You are a adult and you dont need him.

Can I say that I have an adult son and the idea of my dh sending him porny images to talk about is utterly revolting. Ds is here and his observation was that he would regard any father doing that as a creep and someone or hom he ouldn't have utterly no respect.

Your dh sounds awful. Truly awful.

And fwiw can I just say that I have known two paedophiles and both of them were very vocal about their contempt for paedophiles. They are not stupid people.

[sigh]

for whom he would have utterly no respect

My iPad has a mind of its own today

Chrstmaswish, I'm afraid your husband is a scumbag. Sorry.

Trust Technoviking he should know and you now have a male perspective.

Also agree with pagwatch, my first thought was he sounds like a paedophile.

OP, your husband is a creep of the highest order.

Also what message does this send to your DD, that it is ok for women to be objectified as physical objects, because its what "Red blooded males do".

There seems to be a cycle her your DM thinks its fine for men to behave in this creepy manner, your farther's friend thinks its ok to grope you, and now you are married to pervert. Please for the sake of your DD leave this man!!