Videoing topless girls on holiday - overreacting or not?

[christmaswish]

He's been converting his first family's holiday vidoes, from VHS to DVD. He hasn't let me see them, because he said he'd hate for me to see his ex wife (fair enough I guess, but then he's sitting in the next room watching them). He did cut bits out, so I could see him when he was younger, and put them on a DVD for me & DD1.

So today I couldn't find it. I went to the pile, grabbed one & put it on. Yes, I'm perfectly aware that it may have been something he didn't want me to watch. So flame me, I'm a horrible bitch.

The video was a family holiday. To start with DH in the nude, with their DS. Then his ex & DSS. He claimed he didn't want me to watch as his ex would make me insecure & they went nude together. So there is this ordinary, chubbyish woman, fully clothed. I warmed to her instantly. He'd portrayed her as a slut, who got her tits out for guys, which is not what I saw. She seemed nice.

What made me gasp though - there were clips over the top, of other women. Very young women, very toned & bronzed, some topless. He zoomed in on their butts & boobs.

To start with I assumed that he'd just panned around, and got distracted... not so. He's deliberately edited it, so that in the middle of mum & son playing, there are about thirty seconds of other women. All clips he took, have close-ups of other women in. I felt really sorry for his ex wife. Very sorry :(

I've always been extremely insecure with DH, over & above every other relationship. He has done things to cause this, such as Adultwork, but is home all the time, and makes out to others, that he's a loving partner, to a paranoid bitch.

Last night I woke up, to find women in their undies on tv - he was watching a programme about prostitutes, and them seducing men.

We've never been on holiday - he has been abroad twice, to nudist beaches, since we married. And I've never seen all the photos he's taken.

When out, he never walks with me. When we dropped his son off, there was a young woman, that DH didn't take his eyes off. About 20mins, he just stared at her. He never even waved his son off. He claimed to not have done it, but I feel so ugly.

We don't have a good sex life. He can't come unless I've dressed up in stockings, which is tiring for me.

This isn't normal 'red blooded male' behaviour, it is that of a sick pervert.

And the reason he is paranoid about DD is because he knows what he would like to do with a young girl.
Its called projection
And when she grows up he will be calling her names for wanting to be like her peer group, or slathering over her friends when they come round. He wont let her develope normal healthy relationships and she will become horribly damaged as to what is normal, and suffer from self esteem and body image issues.

He sounds awful OP - but the worst things about him were not even in the thread title! How horrible that he can only come when you wear stockings. Has he been like this since you met??

Look, I might be a lesbian but even I know that most men (red-blooded or not) do NOT join AW (what the hell is that anyway) to look at naked pictures of teens. Nor do they surreptiously film other women.
Vile vile vile. No boundaries. Get the hell out of there and leave this creepy sad act to get on with it.

He sounds vile OP, sorry but you need to get yourself and your DD away from this man.

No wonder you feel insecure if he does all this stuff :(

Get rid of the pervert and get your confidence back

OP, you are being abused, financially and emotionally.

No, the vast majority of men behave nothing like what you describe. No man I know would do those things.

Because he is abusing you emotonally and because he has managed to get thorugh al your money he has left you feeling very unconfident in yourself - the whole point of abuse is that it robs the victim of any resources (emotional / financial) to escape it. And he's making you feel it is alll down to you. Telling you don't love him because you aren't taking meds is gaslighting. Messing with your head, keeping control over you.

So you may need help to free yourself. I would go to your GP and say that as well as your meds you need a counselling course because you feel emotionally abused by your GP. Or ask your HV about Freedom Training, which helps abused women see what is what and supoprts them to rebuild their confidence and self esteem.

Please , OP, many people here really care about people in your situation, and it is with that care that pelople urge you to leave - I would say 'get help'.

PLease do it, not only for you, but for your DD. You will be FINE on your own, and better off without this man.

Apart from anyhting else do you wnat the shame of the police arriving on your doorstep? Because if he filmed my teen dd as he has filmed others, I would be off to the police quicksmart.

Good luck.

This does all sound a bit dodgy to me I have to say. Having stuff like that on your holiday video tape is not normal.

Sorry, I went out for air, retail therapy (or rather window shopping) and to meet my mum - get a RL perspective.

My mum is of the opinion that I'm overreacting. She said "well it was a long time ago", and told me that if it had been dad, that she'd have let it go (the videoing I'm referring to). She thinks that as dad had porn mags (pretty mild compared to todays standards), that it is what men do. It isn't porn though, it was looking at other women, when with his wife. He was projecting a family guy on holiday, whilst perving, and I doubt his wife knew about it. My mum also said that she thinks "Reader's Wives" is the best type of porn .

I did contact Women's Aid about 6 months ago, but never took it further. They did give me some info on the Freedom Project.

I did cope as a single mum, yes. I had help from my parents though, and they are now in their 70's. I also had my own house, which I gave up to live with DH. How I regret that. DSS still considers this as 'his' home, but my own DS has no such place. He never lived here, where we lived has gone, so by virtue of being so fucking stupid, my son has nowhere that is still 'home', yet DSS can call this 'home' despite not living with us.

I'd always accepted his version of events re; his ex cheating. Now I'm wondering if him turning their holiday videos into a pervfest, may have made her feel crap, and therefore look for attention elsewhere. He told me that he went to strip clubs, and that she went to see The Chippendales, that she wasn't jealous or insecure like I am. I wonder if she'd detached though. If he was going to strip clubs, videoing other (hotter) women & having threesomes with her friend, then maybe she decided to get someone who liked 'her' and only her.

Leverette I wish I could. I have thought about it. I am a coward though & very shy. I'm worried that she would contact DH and he would get really, really angry.

I found her on Facebook.

OP I feel really sorry for you being married to a person like this.

Anybody who zooms in on women sunbathing, without their knowledge or permission, is vile. To look at attractive women is understandable but to stare at them or film them is an entirely different story.

The fact that men like him are around gives me the creeps, he is nothing but a revolting pervert who obviously doesn't deserve you.

OP, what would it take for you to leave this creepy fuck ?

Have a really good think about how many boundaries he has already crossed and what in particular could be worse than any of that which would prompt you to consign him to the bin where he belongs ?

Do you have to ask?

It was a long time ago, but it gives an insight into the man he is.
Besides, he could have deleted those scenes when transferring them.
He not only kept them as he still seems to be looking at them.

And coupled with the weekends alone...
And his recent attitudes.

I think you know what to do deep down.

I think the thing for me is - do you really want your DD growing up with a man who regards women and girls as he does and is as dodgy and creepy as he is? I wouldn't.

OP You said you warmed to his ex. That suggests she's a decent person, and that you have something in common - you have both been taken in by this porn-consuming pervert.

She found out and got rid of him.

Now you have found out and it's time for you to get rid.

Unfortunately, your DM is not the best person to ask to get perspective on this as, from what you have said about your father and his friends who groped you, she has a perspective that allows abusive behaviour. I think the posters on here are giving you better answers.

I think I have posted on your threads before? Do you have a bi-polar diagnosis? Please don't let him use your mental health against you to keep abusing you. Please seek help from Women's Aid, and possibly you can find a mental health charity such as MIND who could help you with an advocate for legal proceedings?

Imho your mum is dysfunctional. She was with a man that disrespected and objectified women and she let you grow up around him and has passed on that dysfunctional 'norm' on to you.

You know what to do but you chose not to and you are passing the same disfunctional 'norm' on to your own dd and letting her think this is how men should see women.

Its very sad but has gone on for generations.

Maybe your dd will be on mn in 20 years time asking the same thing you are. What would you tell her? The same as what your mum told you?

christmaswish this is the clearest LTB I have seen, violence notwithstanding. And your mum is toxic, she should be putting you and your dd's interests first. This must be so very sad for you but I don't know what you are waiting for now - you keep puzzling over his last relationship but really it's your relationship with him that is a puzzle. Sounds like ex wife had a really lucky escape. I feel for his son though, his behaviour will mean the apple won't fall far from the tree. :(

What a creepy weirdo you are married to!