My toddler has made an alarming announcement

[OhEmGee25]

And I feel sick. She is 2.6 and my whole world. Her dad left us when she was 2 weeks and he honestly (not biasedly) does not make an effort: went away for both her birthdays, last Xmas and will be this Xmas too. It's been a month since he saw her as he's been "too busy". He's never had her overnight as he says he doesn't have the space. Sorry for that ramble but didn't want to drip feed...so it's been 4/5 weeks since he saw her and whilst playing Lego with me and my dp (who she idolises, lives with us) she said word for word "no me see daddy no more, he hit my elbow, me cry". Shocked to our cores, we quizzed dd on this without trying to probe too much but she's said it another two times today. I don't know what prompted it but I've never heard her say the word "hit" before. Feel ill with it.

Please don't get all upset and start jumping to conclusions. It's very possible that she hit her own elbow and cried and her dad said something along the lines of "oh dear, did you hit your elbow?" There could be all sorts of situations, not all involving some kind of abuse.

I understand its alarming to hear, but without knowing, how hard or was she being punished, its hard knowing what to do.

I feel for you on the visitation thing, the xmas my ex in laws had my daughter, my ex choose to spend it with his gf.

I think anyone would be shocked to hear this from their toddler! But as Kinky says, it could be anything. And I find it strange that her elbow was involved unless it was some odd accident.

However I do think you can call him and ask about it, because it's more significant that she is saying she isn't going to see him.

Is that something he said, or she is saying on her own? That's very odd and worrisome!

An elbow wouldn't be a natural place to hit deliberately. It could have simply been an accident but she is blamng him. At this stage unless there is something you have not mentioned (like a history of violent behaviour) I'd ask ex about it next time you speak to him and keep an eye on the situation. And my toddler suddenly comes out with all kinds of words that I do not realise he knows.

while it's a shocking thing to hear, I wouldn't jump to conclusions unless you have prior concerns.
my 4 year old told nursery that I hit her in the face. which I did, accidentally, while putting her glasses straight! but to hear her tell it, you'd think I punched her.
ask her dad and say she's mentioned it, and see what he says.

Ive tried to call him but he rarely answers my calls and hasnt now. It was just so random, playing nicely together and she just came out with it. Shes next due to see him on 30th Dec for Xmas - it'll be about 6/7 weeks since the last visit then. She HATES going. I mean really really cries on the occasions he actually turns up. And she rarely cries. I just want to keep her safe with me

If she cries and doesn't want to go, perhaps you need to talk to him about that too. I presume he's going to have to contact you before he shows up to discuss details, make a time then, or schedule time to discuss this.

If it helps to reassure you, my 2.5 year old DD ran away from me while we were playing once, saying "NO Mummy, don't smack me, don't hit me!" And I had NEVER done either.

Do talk it through with her dad if you can at all.

My toddler wouldn't particularly want to go off with someone that he only sees every 6/7 weeks either.

I wouldnt of been concerned...

But, she cries and is upset ?? Is this just because she doesnt really know him and wants to stay with mummy or something else?
How is she when she comes home? How does she act with him?

My DD told people at nursery that i put her in the bin. I certainly do not.

Dd2 is nearly 3 and is currently telling everyone who will listen that 'daddy hit my head, it hurts lots, I'm very sad ' I know that it was an accident but if he was an ex that I wasn't a big fan of it would be upsetting me just as much as this is upsetting you.

It is really hard at this age when the are able to tell you things but are still unable to contextualise it or even understand themselves the difference between deliberate and accidental hurts.

Speak to her dad whenever you can and talk through what actually happened. Then you can decide where to go from there.

Little children do say random things, that don't necessarily mean that they have been abused or neglected. I'd have thought it was quite scary for her to see him so infrequently, though - at 2.6 6-7 weeks is the equivalent of 6-7 months for an adult

I wouldn't worry about the elbow comment, no one hits a kid on the elbow on purpose surely?
I would be worried about her 'hating' to go with him though, I'd find that very upsetting. Tell him he needs regular contact or none at all, it's just too infrequent for a toddler of that age. :(

I would talk it through with ex if possible but it may be nothing. DD told everyone I called her a little bitch and sent her to her room, I didn't.

The crying and not wanting to go with him is worrying though. What would happen if you said no to anymore visits?

My 2.1 son told Daddy 'mummy kick me. Me cry' .....

I didn't btw!

Agree that toddlers say random stuff. My dd bruised her head thrashing in her cot in a tantrum.

Days later childminder asked how she had hurt her head and she told her 'mummy did it, bash bash bash'

I did no such thing. Bloody worrying though.

nursery once took me aside to tell me that DD1 who was about 2 1/2 at the time had told them "when I naughty my daddy d smack me and shut me in the cupboard" and they needed to do some enquiries under their child protection policy. Clearly it was not true, now I can laugh about it but I was mortified (as well as quite proud of having a child with such a vivid imagination)

Regardless of what did or didn't happen - she clearly doesn't like going there. And given his general flakiness, does she actually benefit? I do understand how important contact with both parents is - but your Ex does seem very disinterested and unreliable.

I think you have to let her go on the 30th and hope that she was exaggerating/misunderstood events, but after that - don't chase him for contact. Leave the ball in his court. From what you've said, he probably won't make the effort.

I wouldn't let her go anywhere if she was crying before she went. Something has to change about this arrangement. She's supposed to be seeing him because it's a loving relationship, not because she's being forced to see him.

6-7 weeks is too much of a gap between visits for a child her age to remember him well enough to feel comfortable going off with him. He needs to see her more frequently, or visit her at your house with you present if he's going to leave it longer.

Mine announced daddy hurt her with his prick - she meant his prickles where he hadn't shaved.

My niece when small once randomly burst into tears and when questioned announced "Aunty X kicked me", which I hadn't.

I am not saying you shouldn't listen to her, but its very random - hit her elbow?

I think the problem is the lack of contact, its simply not frequent enough so she is unhappy.

Oh and as an aside, you shouldn'e be questioning her, she wont remember anyway at 2 - if you have genuine concerns then you need to involve the professionals.

Of course OP was right to try to get more information from her toddler about what she'd said about her father - do you seriously think she should have called social services so that a complete stranger could ask her instead?

I agree that the main problem is the lack and irregularity of contact. If she's not happy going, then you need to speak with your ex about that and see if he is open to seeing her more often.

FWIW, my close friend split up with her partner when their dd was a baby. His contact has been pretty erratic, but it's got much more stable as she's got older, and she's now 5 and sees him regularly each week.