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Original poster

Is this the straw that will break the camel's back?

80 replies

lovemenot · 14/12/2012 23:10

Day 4 of the silent treatment.

He came home from work on Tuesday, in grand humour. At 3 mins to 6 he asked if he could change the channel on tv to watch the news - which starts just after 6. D13 said "ah dad, I'm watching this", his tone changed and he asked the same question again. He then sat down and changed the channel and dd said "aaahhh daaaad, I was watching that", to which he replied "can I not even watch my own fucking tv in my own house, what do you want, do I have to go to the pub to watch it?"

So I got annoyed at him for bullying her, and said to him "your tv, your house, your remote, watch what you want as nobody else in this house has any rights or choices". So he stood up, put on his coat and went to the pub.

Since then, no apology, no discussion, no nothing.

And I'm sick to my back teeth of this bullying attitude, then the poor me and the cowardly running off to the pub. So this time, I'm not fixing it.

Regardless of the argument this is how he deals with it. He has gone to the pub every evening since then.

Oh and he has also invited his son 22 to stay in our house on Christmas Eve without any discussion with me. His son used to live with us until I told him to leave due to his hugely disrespectful behaviour, who has encouraged our daughter to lie to us, and who has caused h's other children to totally blank me by bitching about me.

OP posts:
TakeMyEyesButNotTheMulledWine · 14/12/2012 23:36

Sounds like he was causing an argument as an excuse to go to the pub.

All the other things you describe is him being an abusive wanker.

Has he any good qualities?

I couldnt live like that OP.

MrsTomHardy · 14/12/2012 23:42

Was going to post similar!

I couldn't and wouldn't live like that.

Original poster
lovemenot · 14/12/2012 23:43

He doesn't need an excuse to go to the pub. If he fancies a pint after work, he usually calls to let me know. No problem.

As for his good qualities, I think I'm moving beyond caring about them right now. I'm just sick and tired of every argument or perceived criticism having the same result.

OP posts:
TakeMyEyesButNotTheMulledWine · 14/12/2012 23:48

How long has this been going on for?

He is dragging your DD into your relationship issues, prick!

What do you want to do? Do you want to end your marriage? Do you still love him?

izzyizin · 14/12/2012 23:56

Do you only have one tv in your home?

Original poster
lovemenot · 15/12/2012 00:00

This year has been shit. Several big arguments that all end the same way. He would know that I'm pissed at him, so he would go to the pub. Several days (10 at one point) of silence and then I would give in and try to sort it out. So he would start a text conversation to discuss it, and then assume it's all resolved.

He has decided all dd's disipline issues are mine. He undermined me at one point and then called me a fucking bitch when I overruled him. (That's the one that led to the 10 day silence).

There is no physical affection and no sex since Feb 2011.

I'm heartbroken because I do think my marriage will end. But I don't see it changing or improving. I'm going to counselling but he has no interest in how it's going. He reckons I'm angry at him all the time, (I'm not angry, I'm detaching), and of course he has done nothing to cause this "anger".

OP posts:
Original poster
lovemenot · 15/12/2012 00:02

izzy, no, we have a tv upstairs as well....but he expects dd to go upstairs, not him. Besides, his programme hadn't even bloody started yet. So this was a control issue.

OP posts:
deleted203 · 15/12/2012 00:06

I couldn't live with anyone who subjected me to 10 days of silence as a 'punishment'. And I certainly wouldn't miss them if the relationship ended. What exactly is he contributing emotionally to it?

ElectricSheep · 15/12/2012 00:07

Get out OP sooner the better. There's only one way this is going to go and that's down - draining, confidence-blowing misery. Cut it short and save yourself the grief.

Original poster
lovemenot · 15/12/2012 00:11

To explain the silence thing.......I think I'm doing more of the silence than him. But not as a punishment to him, more because he will not make any attempt to discuss or apologise. So I won't engage with him on those terms. He would like to just pretend nothing happened and carry on as normal (whateverthehell his normal is).

OP posts:
deleted203 · 15/12/2012 00:14

Either way lovemenot it sounds a chilly atmosphere to live in, with very little love or affection. Surely you don't want to spend your life like this - or encourage your teenage daughter to believe this is how relationships are?

Original poster
lovemenot · 15/12/2012 00:22

No, I don't want to live like this. And I definitley don't want my daughter to endure it either. My counsellor has used words to describe him that you will find on any site that deals with narcissists, and if he is right then this marriage is doomed.

It's just so hard to reach the point where you have no choice but to leave. And his behaviour is sometimes so subtle that I worry I'm overreacting.

He won't leave this house so it's time to work on the running away fund.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 15/12/2012 02:19

You will. Next year! You'll dump the fucker. How dare he? Angry

izzyizin · 15/12/2012 02:30

You know that you need to get your dd away from this toxic atmosphere.

Please make a start by sourcing a rottweiler solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law. Some offer a free half an hour initial consultation which will be sufficient to outline your legal entitlements on divorce.

If you are eligible for legal aid I would advise you to get this particular ball rolling early in the New Year as changes that will take place in April 2013 will see the end of this provision for divorce unless there is evidence of dv.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 15/12/2012 09:52

Can I suggest that you follow izzy's advice, but in the meantime, book a lovely Christmas day meal out for you and your daughter and leave the miserable bastard at home.

Abitwobblynow · 15/12/2012 11:19

Are you and DD able to go anywhere for Christmas?

PS what things does the counsellor say? [interested]

Original poster
lovemenot · 15/12/2012 20:44

Yes, we could go to my mams for Christmas and it's looking more likely with each passing day.

Counsellor used words like "juvenile", "emotionally locked in childhood", "immature" and made reference to the fact that although he displays no emotions, deep down he is probably very insecure and fearful.

He texted me today to ask me if I could collect dd - he usually drops and collects her from horseriding on Saturdays, I work. I knew he wanted to go to the pub (again) to watch the rugby. I was tempted to say no, but looking after her is more important.

Having a crap day today emotionally, I'm afraid to cry coz I might not stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovemenot · 16/12/2012 13:26

Still silence and I'm finding it hard to stay strong. I think, given his juvenile rationing, that he feels he is entitled to respond with anger when criticised and should not have to be accountable for it? But it's a matter of respect isn't it? The very fact that he will not approach me to resolve the issue is breaking my heart, each day that passes is a day closer to the end of us.

But this is a shit way to live. What do I do, do I break the deadlock?

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 16/12/2012 13:42

What do you think his response would be when you tell him you cannot continue living like this?

MrsFlibble · 16/12/2012 13:47

Cant you just pack his bags and put them on the porch and say marriage over, i will not be treated like shit.

Original poster
lovemenot · 16/12/2012 13:57

His first response will be "there's the door". If he thinks I actually will leave, he might then back down somewhat. He will make it out to be my issue, not his.

The house is technically his. Yes, it's a marital home but he bought it just before we met. He will not leave. A judge might rule that the house be sold to provide for me and dd, but he will fight that tooth and nail.

OP posts:
MrsFlibble · 16/12/2012 14:07

Is there anywhere that you and DC can go to stay, because this icy cold home is not a place i'd want my DD to live.

amillionyears · 16/12/2012 14:19

When you have arguments, do you think he knows how to fix them?

amillionyears · 16/12/2012 14:21

Also, if I were you, I would write a full list of grievences you have with him, and possible ways in which they can be fixed.

And, if you are brave enough, get him to do the same.

Original poster
lovemenot · 16/12/2012 14:21

Not really...my parents are elderly and I don't want to put them through the worry of this.

Mon-Fri is ok, dd is in school and he is at work. He has been going to the pub after work (to avoid me!) until 8/9pm so when he comes home dd has already gone to her room, and I then go to mine (ours). Right now, he has taken dd out to have lunch with his son, so a few hours peace for me. And I might take her to the cinema later, if he doesn't go to the pub.

For some reason, I feel that if I leave this house I will lose my/dd's home for good. Not that I have enough money to go. But I feel that I have to fight for her to have the home she has a right to. We split up for 5 years when she was 2 and when we got back together, he promised that we would always have our home. Not that he will honour that without a fight.

Why oh why can he not just say sorry for being an ass?

OP posts:
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