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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this the straw that will break the camel's back?

80 replies

lovemenot · 14/12/2012 23:10

Day 4 of the silent treatment.

He came home from work on Tuesday, in grand humour. At 3 mins to 6 he asked if he could change the channel on tv to watch the news - which starts just after 6. D13 said "ah dad, I'm watching this", his tone changed and he asked the same question again. He then sat down and changed the channel and dd said "aaahhh daaaad, I was watching that", to which he replied "can I not even watch my own fucking tv in my own house, what do you want, do I have to go to the pub to watch it?"

So I got annoyed at him for bullying her, and said to him "your tv, your house, your remote, watch what you want as nobody else in this house has any rights or choices". So he stood up, put on his coat and went to the pub.

Since then, no apology, no discussion, no nothing.

And I'm sick to my back teeth of this bullying attitude, then the poor me and the cowardly running off to the pub. So this time, I'm not fixing it.

Regardless of the argument this is how he deals with it. He has gone to the pub every evening since then.

Oh and he has also invited his son 22 to stay in our house on Christmas Eve without any discussion with me. His son used to live with us until I told him to leave due to his hugely disrespectful behaviour, who has encouraged our daughter to lie to us, and who has caused h's other children to totally blank me by bitching about me.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 22/12/2012 11:05

It sounds like your dp has issues and could do with counselling. In some ways he sounds like my dad was. The sulking and drinking and expecting things his own way or shouting.

So whilst I'm less inclined to shout LTB, if this is typical behaviour, I would say deal with these issues now before you spend the next 20,30+ years with the same arguing sulking shouting etc.

Fwiw, my mum just argued back and still does. She is still with him and while he has mellowed over the years to his kids, still it's the same behaviour towards her.

amillionyears · 22/12/2012 11:07

Have either of the books arrived?
Are either of them helpful? I dont know anything about the other book.

dondon33 · 22/12/2012 12:03

lovemenot 12 days :(!!! I admire your strength in this situation, it must be so difficult but I hope each and every day he maintains his sulking = believing he is in the right, that it only gives you more strength and confidence. I honestly think it will be killing him,if not now then soon, he'll know there's something wrong if you haven't 'fixed' it already.
What's the longest you've previously allowed this to continue before caving?

Original poster
lovemenot · 22/12/2012 12:11

Last big silence was 10 days. It'll be interesting to see what happens over the next couple of days.....will he sort it because it's Christmas Day? Am nearly sorry he has the "excuse" of Christmas Day if you know what I mean!

Amillion - no books yet, I guess the Christmas orders are slowing things down.

OP posts:
sneezecakesmum · 22/12/2012 16:39

Even if he thaws out at Christmas the underlying problems will remain. You need to gain understanding of his behaviour and the thinking that lies behind it. Pity about the books. They will be a revelation to you I am sure when they arrive.

Meanwhile I guess you have to just grit your teeth and get through it.

dondon33 · 22/12/2012 17:23

So you've passed the previous 'mark' then :@
I know exactly what you mean about the 'excuse' but even IF he does try to sort it out for the sake of xmas day - it doesn't justify the last 12 days of his behaviour. Personally I would maybe be civil to him if he apologised but it certainly wouldn't be forgiven/forgotten.

Original poster
lovemenot · 24/12/2012 23:21

Lundy book arrived and yes, he is in there!

The silence continues.

Thank you for your support and wishing you all a Happy Christmas :-)

OP posts:
Doha · 24/12/2012 23:27

Been lurking lovemenot. I cannot believe he is being such a knob Sad. you deserve better.

I admire your resolve to stay strong and not be the first to "cave in"

I hope you have a lovely ( and quiet) xmas

x

sneezecakesmum · 25/12/2012 17:45

The Lundy book is a revelation when you see clearly for the first time all their little tricks and manipulations. It's like a light goes on for the first time and the mental fog clears!

Hope you find a way forward.

tallwivglasses · 26/12/2012 08:36

How was Christmas lovemenot? I would be going demented in your position. Thinking of you x

Original poster
lovemenot · 26/12/2012 14:22

I got through it! He gave me a gift voucher and a card with a poem he had written....saying he loved me and hoped I loved him too.

He pretty much behaved like all was well with the world, and I made an effort for the day that was in it. I did find myself zoning out all the time and letting the conversations just happen around me. I escaped up to my mams as soon as I could - and that was just great! My niece and nephew are still little so the excitement was wonderful.

I have opted out of visits to his family as I'm not going to put myself in a situation where I have to play happy families. So he'll be heading to his sister's in an hour or so which gives me time alone to read some more of Lundy!

Am feeling totally drained and sad. He still thinks that I'll get over my little "issue" and normal service will resume. It's beyond him to come sit with me for a while and instigate a chat about our relationship, and that's the bit that hurts the most.

Thanks for thinking of me x

OP posts:
sneezecakesmum · 26/12/2012 19:59

What the Lundy book says is he may not be aware of why he acts the way he does, but he is most certainly aware of what he is doing and how it affects you. This switching love on and off is designed to keep you off balance and questioning yourself. Is it you after all that started this???!!! After all, he has made a wonderful gesture, everyone in the outside world thinks the world of him....therefore it must be you at fault!

The zoning in and out is just typical of the mental confusion his manipulation has worked on you. Its not a hopeless situation, but you need to see his actions for what they are, put some mental distance in place and only then see if he is prepared to work on changes for him. Little chats with him now will only be a platform for him to tell you what changes you need to make in you to make his situation better! They wont involve him changing at all.

tallwivglasses · 26/12/2012 21:25

A POEM? Bloody hell it had better be a good one Xmas Hmm

Original poster
lovemenot · 28/12/2012 15:57

Day 17! This man is simply unfuckingbelievable. He will not/can not approach me and sit down and make an effort to start sorting this all out. I think (only heard a couple of words as he did not realise I was in the kitchen) referred to me as a "miserable bitch" to his son the other day. He will leave me upset because he cannot hold his hand up and apologise for behaving badly. He has convinced himself that my little "sulk" is my problem.

If this was the other way around, I would have gone to him 16 days ago to sort/apologise/discuss/compromise/whatever. How can he leave his marriage in this state? Gutless, that's what he is.

OP posts:
merlottits · 28/12/2012 16:07

You are living with my father. So let me tell you what will happen.
You will live with this miserable, sulky arsehole and keep forgiving him while he sucks any kind of joy out of your family life.
EVENTUALLY you will gather enough strength to kick him to the kerb. Within days you will wonder why on earth you didn't do this years ago as you have sacrificed years to the wanker.

Why not learn from my mother? Skip the next couple of months/years and dump his arse now? You'll wish you had, if you don't.

Original poster
lovemenot · 01/01/2013 23:40

New Years Day and Day 21 of the continuing silence.

I really don't know how much longer I can do this. If he feels the need to tell me something, or ask me something, he will and I will answer. But that's it, no other communication.

Last night, at midnight, he did nothing. Dd and I wished each other happy new year, and he did nothing.

Have started to write a letter to him, not sure whether I'll give it to him or not because if I do, then that's me fixing it again. (I know one conversation is not going to fix this, but yet again I'll have started the repair work).

Counselling resumes next Monday and solicitors offices open again from tomorrow!

On a good note, I've lost weight this Christmas from having no appetite!

Wishing you all a Happy New Year and thanking you for all your support x

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 02/01/2013 18:33

Happy New Year, lovemenot. You really don't deserve this, and nor does your dd. in fact you deserve a medal.

I think I hate your husband Angry

Ahhhcrap · 02/01/2013 18:36

Bloody hell OP! My exH used to go this to get his own way. Took me a long time to realise its abuse Shock

biff23 · 02/01/2013 19:02

Omg only just seen this thread. Poor you, really don't know now you have coped. My mother was like this, would give me the silent treatment for weeks at times. It's just not normal or healthy. I think you know it's over but I guess it's the figuring out what's next who h is the hard part.

I'm thinking of you.

Original poster
lovemenot · 04/01/2013 18:25

Day 24. Have solicitors appt made for Monday and counselling on Monday evening. Am going to ask him if he wants to go to my counselling appt, if not then it's game over.

OP posts:
Bearface · 04/01/2013 18:38

Loveme - just read this thread and I really feel for you. If I was you, I would get out as soon as you can. Someone who loves you does not give you the silent treatment for over three weeks. You deserve so much better than this. You're doing the right things by going to counselling and offering him an opportunity to build bridges, but if he won't, which it sounds like he won't, then you know what you need to do. Stay strong. Thinking of you.

sneezecakesmum · 04/01/2013 18:42

Good luck lovemenot. If you opt for counselling together make sure you read the lundy bancroft book about couples counselling. Emotionally abusive men know how to manipulate this type of counselling and turn it to their advantage. You may end up coming out of the session feeling YOU are being the unreasonable one!

ILikeWhisperingToo · 04/01/2013 18:46

Good luck. (And good riddence; for when you hopefully ltb. :) )

Flossiechops · 06/01/2013 08:34

Adding my best wishes too. He sounds like an absolute tosser! Hmm You do deserve much much better

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/01/2013 22:53

How did today go, lovemenot?