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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this the straw that will break the camel's back?

80 replies

lovemenot · 14/12/2012 23:10

Day 4 of the silent treatment.

He came home from work on Tuesday, in grand humour. At 3 mins to 6 he asked if he could change the channel on tv to watch the news - which starts just after 6. D13 said "ah dad, I'm watching this", his tone changed and he asked the same question again. He then sat down and changed the channel and dd said "aaahhh daaaad, I was watching that", to which he replied "can I not even watch my own fucking tv in my own house, what do you want, do I have to go to the pub to watch it?"

So I got annoyed at him for bullying her, and said to him "your tv, your house, your remote, watch what you want as nobody else in this house has any rights or choices". So he stood up, put on his coat and went to the pub.

Since then, no apology, no discussion, no nothing.

And I'm sick to my back teeth of this bullying attitude, then the poor me and the cowardly running off to the pub. So this time, I'm not fixing it.

Regardless of the argument this is how he deals with it. He has gone to the pub every evening since then.

Oh and he has also invited his son 22 to stay in our house on Christmas Eve without any discussion with me. His son used to live with us until I told him to leave due to his hugely disrespectful behaviour, who has encouraged our daughter to lie to us, and who has caused h's other children to totally blank me by bitching about me.

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Original poster
lovemenot · 16/12/2012 14:22

amillion - I think he does know how to fix them, he just doesn't see why he should.

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TravelinColour · 16/12/2012 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amillionyears · 16/12/2012 14:29

Does he think he has acted wrongly?

dondon33 · 16/12/2012 14:32

What an awful situation lovemenot and what a twat your H is.

I'm not sure how I'd handle it at the moment but do know I couldn't contemplate staying with someone like that.
Perhaps I could manage to pretend everything is okay for a little while longer if I knew I was leaving him but if you're going to have a battle on your hands then I'm not sure it's such a good idea to 'break the deadlock' only you know if it's better than dealing with his sulking moronic behaviour.
I would be very tempted to allow it to continue closer to Christmas then I would take DD and go elsewhere for the holidays, leaving his miserable controlling ass at home with his fucking TV

sneezecakesmum · 16/12/2012 14:35

Could you see a solicitor to see what your rights are regarding your home. If you are married you are in a strong position despite the fact that he owned the house before you moved in. If you cohabit your position is much weaker but you need to establish your rights before you make any move.

Try the legal forum on MN.

This man sounds like a nasty controlling bully.

MrsFlibble · 16/12/2012 14:36

I would take DD and get some space over xmas, even if its just from xmas eve to boxing day.

Original poster
lovemenot · 16/12/2012 14:56

amillion - whether he feels he has acted wrongly or not, he definitely feels he does not need to apologise for it.

His behaviour is the same regardless of the argument. He will change the reasons for the argument into a poor me situation. He works hard, the recession has taken it's toll etc etc but he will disconnect totally from any emotional point of view. This morning, he was whistling as though he hadn't a care in the world.

Will look for a family law solicitor to see what my rights are regarding the house. And I will find the strength to not break the deadlock. And I will hope that my counsellor can fit me in tomorrow evening.

I had decided that my bottom line was that if he ever called dd names then that would be it. But now that she is older I can see the subtle bullying affecting her too and I won't tolerate it. He won't change, he is too old and set in his ways and I'm too young to spend the rest of my life in a relationship that is devoid of emotional connection.

Thank you ladies, for giving me somewhere to get my thoughts out and for stopping me from second guessing myself.

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Original poster
lovemenot · 16/12/2012 15:14

Just thought I would share this beauty! He once told me "I'm not arrogant. How can I be arrogant when I am always right" Xmas Biscuit

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MrsFlibble · 16/12/2012 15:30

Seriously, why are you still this man, he sounds like a total arsehole.

Original poster
lovemenot · 16/12/2012 16:01

I suppose, like a lot of posters here, because there are more good times than bad. Because I guess I'm somewhat co-dependent. I'm very laid back and easy going and I wanted to believe that he did love me. Or that his aggressive attitude was just verbal diahorrea towards others. And that regardless of this aggressive attitude that we could always work it out.

But when his middle son didn't invite me to his wedding earlier this year (on orders from dh's first wife) and dh decided he would go to the wedding anyway, I realised he didn't really have my back. That's when I knew it was only a matter of time. I've tried talking to him but as soon as it gets emotional he shuts down. And it's the lack of emotion, not the arguments (everyone has those), that make this a very lonely place to be. So I've done a lot of honest thinking this year. I've tried to set boundaries for myself, that's a work in progress. I've seen his subtle bullying for what it is and called him on it instead of trying to keep the peace or gloss over it. I've been journalling so's I don't forget the little insidious comments he makes. And I've started counselling so I can identify my part in all of this.

I'm not afraid of this marriage ending, I'm not afraid of being on my own but I did fully commit to my marriage and never want to feel that I walked away simply because the going got tough.

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MrsFlibble · 16/12/2012 16:04

Lovemenot, it takes two to make a marriage work, you need to know if your husband is willing to put in the work and drop his arrogance to make it work, if hes not willing then atleast you know you were willing to try.

HisstletoeAndWhine · 16/12/2012 16:34

Darling, you do realise that a H ignoring his wife, not peaking to her for weeks at a time IS abusive? You know this doesn't happen in 'normal' relationships?

Sweety, this is NOT your fault, none of it.

Stay strong, you'll find your way out.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2012 17:06

Marriage isn't meant to be a feat of endurance against all the odds

Really, it isn't

If you want to martyr yourself to a cause, go climb Mount Kilimanjaro for charity or summat

Love, you are right, he doesn't have your back. So...what point is there in being married to him ? You can surround yourself with people who do and put this man to one side as one of those people that you have to interact with because of the kids, but as a life partner? He's simply not up to the job.

Viviennemary · 16/12/2012 17:14

I might be old fashioned but I think the adult in the house has the right to change channels over what a child is watching. So I don't think he is in the wrong to think that he cannot come home from work and watch the news. He isn't right to sulk for days on end though. It sounds as if he wants to have the right to come home and watch the news which I think he has.

Viviennemary · 16/12/2012 17:15

Just saw the bit about his son. He should have asked you first. I'd have been annoyed to if he'd not mentioned it. Can't you do a bit of give and take.

Original poster
lovemenot · 16/12/2012 17:33

Viviennemary - of course he can watch the news. But, as mentioned above, the news hadn't even started when he changed the channel. Her programme was over before he even put his coat on. He is superglued to his remote control, even sleeps with one in his hand. He criticises my viewing choices all the time.

So this wasn't about wanting to watch the news, this was about control. Nothing more, nothing less.

And now it's about his inability to discuss the issue, or own his part in it.

It's becoming very clear to me that there is a huge inequality in our relationship and as long as everything is hunky dory in his world, then he feels no need to ever ask me if I'm okay too.

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Viviennemary · 16/12/2012 17:55

I understand it's not just about TV. It isn't right you should feel there is huge inequality in your relationship. I didn't mean to be snippy. Relationships are difficult and people have disagreements. But if one person is unhappy a lot of the time because of unfairness then it's very serious. My DH never wants to discuss things when we have a row. And now after a very long time I accept this. I am sometimes difficult and so is he. If he's controlling in other ways then it isn't good.

amillionyears · 16/12/2012 19:24

You could try reading the book "Why Women Talk and Men Walk . How to improve your relationships without discussing it". I dont know how much it would help in your particular relationship, but you may understand how he behaves like he does, a little more.

It was interesting that you mentioned the whistling. I have noticed that sometimes when men whistle, it can obviously men that they are happy, but it can equally mean that they are worried or upset about something. That their world is a bit on shaky ground.

Your post of 16.01pm shows that you are being insightful.

Why do you think he shuts down on his emotions? The book I recommended, may give you some more ideas about this, and about him.

amillionyears · 16/12/2012 19:27

The not thinking he has done anything wrong, may be part of shutting off his emotions.
Does he apologise ever to your kids, or friends or other family members such as his parents?

sneezecakesmum · 16/12/2012 19:54

This book off amazon HERE probably sums up your H in one. Do the 'look inside' thing on amazon and I guarantee you will see his behaviour for what it is. Sad

Original poster
lovemenot · 16/12/2012 22:56

Thank you sneeze, have just ordered that book.

Amillion - no, he apologises to nobody. Once, when I threatened to leave after he called me a fucking bitch, he apologises for his "intemperate language" but not for the sentiment behind it or the hurt it caused.

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Original poster
lovemenot · 19/12/2012 16:09

Day 9! Spoke to my counsellor and my GP and while I have moments of weakness, I am still strong enough to maintain the silence until such time as fw gets the message that I'm not fixing this this time!

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amillionyears · 19/12/2012 17:05

What did your counsellor say? You dont have to answer that if you dont want to.
Also, did you order the book I recommended?
And did you consult a solicitor as someone else recommeded, to see where you would stand regarding the house?

Original poster
lovemenot · 19/12/2012 18:13

My counsellor recognised that this pattern of conflict is causing me distress. While he didn't tell me to maintain the silence, he did agree that for me to break the silence would mean that the same thing would happen again next time there was an argument. He agrees with me that regardless of the current row, the lack of intimacy and emotional connection in our marriage doesn't not augur well for the future. We have talked about fw coming to counselling too, but has mentioned his concerns that he will manipulate and simply say the appropriate words.

FW has mentioned next years summer holiday to dd! I will be very surprised if we are still together next summer!

Book is ordered, and will be seeing solicitor asap (had to work this week and Christmas is interfering with their availability!)

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Original poster
lovemenot · 22/12/2012 10:41

Day 12. And the silence continues.

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