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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why can't he orgasm?

35 replies

AppleDay · 12/12/2012 12:18

I wonder if anyone can help. I've been with my new boyfriend for about 6 months now... After a very long and painful break-up with my ex, it's wonderful to be falling in love again :-) My new chap is very kind and lovely, but he was also a virgin (aged 38) when we met. My question is: is there any reason, do you think, why he doesn't orgasm when we have sex? Of course I understand he was very nervous when we first had sex, and things are improving, and I'm trying to be non-judgemental and relaxed (for both our sakes) but it makes me sort of feel like a failure! He seems to enjoy it, but he never reaches that level. Is there anything I can do to make it better for him? Or am I just being silly?
Thanks so much :-)

OP posts:

CheeseandPickledOnion · 12/12/2012 12:20

Is he able to achieve orgasm alone?

I would expect he can, and at 38 being a virgin I would suspect that means he's very use to manual stimulation, that might means he needs a little 'more' stimulation than your vagina is providing.

Lueji · 12/12/2012 12:32

If he has problems alone as well:

his hormone levels be low?

could he have a heart/circulation problem?

In which case he should talk with his gp.

Original poster

AppleDay · 12/12/2012 12:33

thanks Pickly, this is what I found from a quick internet google so you're probably right :-) I was wondering whether to try asking him to 'show me what he likes' (sorry if that's TMI) but I don't want it to come across as some cringey soft porn attempt, which it isn't.
I assume he can have an orgasm alone, although he gets quite tense when we talk about sex, and I am trying not to make it into a 'thing', because I know the more we make it into a problem, the more self-conscious/unsexy the whole thing will become.
Anyway, thanks so much for your reply Pickly. Thinking cap is on.

E xx

OP posts:

DearJ0hn · 12/12/2012 12:34

A virgin at 38?

Why?

Unless there is a very good reason for this, there will be issues a plenty

ike1 · 12/12/2012 12:36

Wow genuinely interested in why he remained a virgin for so long!

HousewifefromBethlehem · 12/12/2012 12:38

Yes I agree with dear above. Issues aplenty I reckon.

AlexanderS · 12/12/2012 12:38

Is he circumcised? It can take longer (and need more imagination) when they're circumcised.

But I agree with the above poster - 38 is awfully late to lose one's virginity, I think you need to fully understand the reason for this.

Imnotaslimjim · 12/12/2012 12:40

My Dh had a similar problem. He'd been single for a long time (though not a virgin when we met) and it took him about 2 months to reach orgasm with me. The problem is, the more they worry about it, the more it doesn't happen!

For us, there was a few drinks, some lovely massage to relax us and we just sort of let it happen. 10 years down the line, he orgasms with me pretty much every time we have sex

To sort it though, you do need to talk about it, and him cringing at the subject is not going to help!

Original poster

AppleDay · 12/12/2012 12:43

Yes I agree, 38 is late to lose one's virginity - I'm 35 and lost mine at 17. But he's shy/intellectual, and basically didn't meet the right woman, had very few serious girlfriends. I know it's unusual, but it doesn't mean he's a completely lost cause surely! He has made lots of progress in the last few months :-)
Thanks for all your helpful thoughts and suggestions. He is not circumcised, so it isn't a matter of loss of sensitivity I don't think. E xx

OP posts:

Original poster

AppleDay · 12/12/2012 12:45

Slim Jim, thanks so much - this is super helpful! I am kind of hoping things will naturally resolve themselves, and hearing about your experience with your husband is v cheering. The reason I don't want to raise it, is that he then about it worries more. E xx

OP posts:

DearJ0hn · 12/12/2012 12:58

I don't think your sex life will be anything more than barely adequate with this man. However, some folk don't prioritise sex highly so as long as you are aware that he will probably always have issues here then that's fine - you could concentrate on other areas of your relationship.

I don't think he is a lost cause as a person, of course. But sexually... it's probably never going to be 'there'

TeaBrick · 12/12/2012 13:03

I had an ex who was 25 and a virgin, and also had difficulty achieving orgasm. I now strongly suspect this was probably because he preferred men.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 12/12/2012 19:56

Agree with J0hn. I wouldn't be optimistic about sex with this man. All credit to you for taking him on. Sorry if that sounds mean.

Apart from anything else, if he's remained a virgin for so long he hasn't got much of a sex drive. If he's got to know women and had normal social relationships with them it's hard to understand why he never wanted to take it further.

I feel a bit sorry for you both and hope that you can find a solution to this problem. You sound like your sex drive and experience are more 'normal', OP and I do wonder if this man has what it takes to satisfy you sexually. If everything else in the relationship is great you might have to accept 'under par' sex and some people can do this, some can't.

SweetSeraphim · 12/12/2012 20:22

If he's been masturbating instead of having sex, he will find it much harder to orgasm through intercourse. That's what I've read on here anyway!

Pendeen · 13/12/2012 01:22

I had a b/f who didn't orgasm in me. Never.

He was a very thoughtful lover and always made me orgasm when he was inside me, but never managed to ejaculate so, (TMI probably) but I had to masturbate him after he withdrew.

He was quite happy with me stroking him and eventually he would always come on my legs or my tummy.

Everyone IS different and that was just his 'way.'

Maybe you could offer / try with your b/f.

Bogeyface · 13/12/2012 02:20

Bit shocked at the "he must have issues" comments.

We found out, purely by chance, that a friend of ours had lost his virginity at 33. He was pissed and it slipped out (fnaar!), we were really shocked because although he hadnt had many GFs we kind of assumed he must have lost it much younger, which is a sad reflection on us really. The next time we saw him he was very embarrassed and told us why. We really didnt want to know, but he wanted to talk about it! It turned out that he was very sexually repressed as a young man thanks to his uber religious mother, he was removed from sex ed at school, that kind of thing. Then in his 20's the women he met were either so overtly sexual (by his standards) that they scared him or were as timid and shy as him so it never went anywhere.

He finally met a lovely woman when 32 who had been married before, and they dated for almost a year before sleeping together.

She is wonderful, kind, understanding and utterly adores him. No idea what their sex life is like (Mt friend managed to forestall him on that one, TMI!) but they are blissful, getting married and planning their children :)

Sometimes life just happens that way, and suggesting that he may have issues could be doing him a great disservice.

bumhead · 13/12/2012 07:36

Agree with Bogeyface, I know a couple of men who hadn't lost their virginity till later on in life.
It isn't illegal to not be some shag-everything teen you know!
In both cases, the men were very 'bookish' and from repressed backgrounds and hadn't met women they felt were right.
One now has two DCs and the other has one on the way.
Amazing how if this was a woman the responses would be totally different.
I mean if a woman posted on here that she hadn't had sex until late 30s, would she really be written off as 'sex with her will only ever be barely adequate a best'??
Jeez, give the guy a chance!!
Op ask him what he likes, it doesn't have to be a pressure loaded question, but chances are he probably has built up the whole thing in his mind so take your time :)

TeaBrick · 13/12/2012 08:36

But Bogeyface, your friend did have issues! He had been sexually repressed at an early age an developed a fear of sex, or that's what it sounds like. Glad he's ok now.

Bogeyface · 13/12/2012 09:22

He didnt have a fear of sex! He just didnt know anything about it really, and as a naturally shy man he found women who he met in bars etc to be a bit too full on for him. Why should someone who waited have a fear of sex? You dont have to do it at 16 you know!

Original poster

AppleDay · 13/12/2012 12:40

Thanks so much - I'm really relieved that some of the rest of you are shocked by the 'he must have issues/repression' comments. (Although I appreciate that people are trying to help.)

He's a wonderful man, but I think never felt confident/ballsy enough to ask women out - but it seems really ODD that we would simply say he's a weirdo, and should henceforth be banned from all society/chance at love/happiness...

Really?! Just because he hasn't had sex until the age of 38? I actually went out with another virgin in his 30s (what is it with me???!) and after a shaky start we had a really fab sex life. Much much more than 'adequate'... Surely if men/women can learn about sex at the age of 16 or 18 or 21, they can learn about it at the age of 38 too?

Anyway chaps - I tried talking to him about this last night and it went, uh, not-so-well... I guess my dreams of having a baby are in the rubble at the moment.

OP posts:

Meringue33 · 13/12/2012 12:57

Hi OP you both sound like lovely people and no reason not to be optimistic about this! Sounds like a good question for Dan Savage, I suggest you browse some of his columns to see if anyone has asked a similar one before. He's also talked about "death grip" masturbation being a problem for guys who then find it hard to come during sex. You will find so much good advice there! Good luck! X

MamaMary · 13/12/2012 13:05

OP, at first my DH couldn't orgasm in me, or it took him a very long time to (delayed ejaculation). He stopped masturbating and that helped. Like your BF, he'd been single for a while. It just took time. Several months. Now there are no problems. You're doing the right thing: don't make an issue of it; just help him to relax.

TeaBrick · 13/12/2012 18:25

Ok Bogeyface I stand corrected. I just find it hard to understand how or why someone would wait that long! It probably says more about me than it does about them though (I do think it's very very weird to be a virgin past about 20 though, I can't feeling like that).
The 40 year old virgin is a good film though, and he wasn't weird at all, in fact he was very nice, and turned out to be a good shag in the end, so there is some hope for the op .

ArmyOfPenguins · 13/12/2012 19:31

... I guess my dreams of having a baby are in the rubble at the moment.

Does he know you want a baby?

ChoccieHobnobs · 13/12/2012 23:24

OP I was in a similar situation. I met my husband when he was in his 30s. He too is a shy intellectual type and he'd never had a relationship before meeting me. It was several months before he reached orgasm during sex. He still enjoyed it before this, it just took time and patience. We now have a fairly normal sex life and he is a very considerate lover (and I'm now expecting). He's also a wonderful husband. Years and years of loneliness doesn't mean 'issues', it means he never takes our relationship for granted. Give him time, he'll get there in the end.

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