Why can't he orgasm?

[AppleDay]

I wonder if anyone can help. I've been with my new boyfriend for about 6 months now... After a very long and painful break-up with my ex, it's wonderful to be falling in love again :-) My new chap is very kind and lovely, but he was also a virgin (aged 38) when we met. My question is: is there any reason, do you think, why he doesn't orgasm when we have sex? Of course I understand he was very nervous when we first had sex, and things are improving, and I'm trying to be non-judgemental and relaxed (for both our sakes) but it makes me sort of feel like a failure! He seems to enjoy it, but he never reaches that level. Is there anything I can do to make it better for him? Or am I just being silly?
Thanks so much :-)

Um, I think I've made it clear about wanting a baby at some point soon-ish but no, we haven't discussed making one together - yet. Anyway, if he can't produce the goods, the baby is an impossibility.

Feeling incredibly depressed about all this today! Blame the rain? Or general hopelessness?

Thinking back to my 20s, worrying about contraception and all that, seems laughable... Why did I bother.

Thanks for everyone's help and advice. I'm just wondering how to casually mention 'death-grip masturbation' on our Friday evening trip to Pizza Express

E xx

2"if he can't produce the goods" - do you mean that he doesn't orgasm through masterbation either?

We went through a similar issue several years ago, however the cause was rather different. He certainly wasn't a virgin before meeting me.

We were trying for our first child and had been for about a year. It was causing both of us a lot of stress. Or it was probably me causing him a lot of stress anyway.

Just from my experience, talking about it at first didn't really help - just seemed to make things worse as he got more stressed out about it. I think the OP mentioned that happened to her as well. Even if you do raise the issue in a very supportive way it is very easy for them to just see it as you having a go at them and their performance.

However, we did get to a point where we could discuss some things - after quite a few .

Sorry if this is way TMI, but I've been there and know how it feels. I don't know how to say this so I'll just come out with it and hope it doesn't get me barred from MN.

When I got very excited there was quite a lot less ''traction'' or perhaps I should say ''stimulation'' for him.

So we worked on some practical things like different positions, getting him to go slower at first, kegel exercises - actually for both of us for different reasons.

This has turned into enough of a sex column so I won't go further but there are some other things you can do as well to increase his sensitivity and so making it more likely that he'll ''produce the goods''.

I have no idea if this is relevant to your situation, but if worked for us.

If he's been masturbating instead of having sex, he will find it much harder to orgasm through intercourse.

I've also heard the exact opposite - if they wank all the time, it conditions them to come as fast as possible, which is what you want when it's only yourself you're pleasing.

HELLO ALL - stop press - we have lift-off!

Thanks for all your wonderful advice and opinions... we went away for the weekend (he took me to Oxford) and guess what, for the first time he had an orgasm while we were having sex. And the rest of the weekend was lovely too...

Is this TMI? Sorry. Anyway it was lovely (I felt really quite emotional, until I started thinking about posting on the messageboard!) and I'm starting to feel better about things. And hopefully, now that he's been able to come during sex, he'll feel less anxious about it. The whole thing was becoming an albatross around his neck (I could see that) but talking about only seemed to make things worse. You know how men can be.

Now he can get to work on giving me some mind-blowing pleasure! haha. not.

Also, to Choccie Hobnobs, huge congratulations on your forthcoming baby - what a lovely ending. Your message gives me hope.

E xx

Now he can get to work on giving me some mind-blowing pleasure! haha. not.

Why not OP?

Is he on anti-depressants? They can make it completely impossible to orgasm.

If he can't orgasm when he masturbates himself or it takes an abnormally long time/ is very irregular he could have an ejaculatin problem/disorder.

Just be open with him and when it is appropriate, allow him to express whether he can or not. If you raise talking to the doctor about it at any time be supportive, not patronising. It could be something he honestly can't help and it could be minimalising his sex drive, which would also explain why he hasn't been really needy of sex in the past.

Sometimes it can be treated, sometimes it can't but at least you would both know then.

I hope things improve.

Pretty disgusted some people are saying that he's a hopeless cause that's pretty horrible.

My partner was 21 when he lost his virginity and that was to me, a lot later than most of his friends but not mega late. He wasn't really fussed beforehand about having sex. Now he has a high to medium sex drive and has no problems with it whatsoever.

Oh and just read above so glad he managed to orgasm.

If he continues to, then your problem may be sorted.

If it's on and off, then perhaps it's an ejaculate issue and the above I have posted still applies.

:)

Thanks for updating Apple. You're right - talking about it made him more uptight, he just needed to relax.

Here's to happy baby making in the future :)