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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Two friends having an affair? WWYD

92 replies

AtALoss2012 · 10/12/2012 10:56

NC, and really at a loss! Will keep brief as would rather not be known in RL.
I very strongly suspect that my friends DH and our mutual friend are having an affair. Very randomly I was out for dinner with work people and saw them there together. They were being very couply and cosy, holding hands, kissing, giggling until they saw me, I was really shocked but they then shortly got up and left, they didn't talk to me at all or really acknowledge my presence, but they definately saw me. Friends DH had told her he was working away that night. They know I know but haven't said anything to me, this was last thursday night. It does make sense to me as a few months ago I commented to my DH that I would be uncomfortable with him being as friendly and flirty as friends DH was with OW. Friend has also commented that mutual friend(OW) hangs around alot... but it has never gone further than that. DH thinks I should leave it, he says that they know I know so that will either prompt them to come clean or end it and I would be better off not being involved.
Do I tell friend? WWYD?

OP posts:

chrismissymoomoomee · 10/12/2012 11:04

I would stay out of it. The messenger always gets shot.

It sounds like they aren't very discreet anyway so will be caught out before long.

What a horrible position for you to be in.

SugaricePlumFairy · 10/12/2012 11:04

I would speak to the mutual friend or the Husband and say that either they confess within the week or you tell your friend waht you saw..

You saw it with your own eyes so it isn't idle gossip otherwise I would say stay out of it.

Would your friend feel betrayed by you if she knew you were aware of this sighting but said nothing?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 10/12/2012 11:05

Tricky isn't it? I would normally agree with your DH that it's a total minefield to get involved in someone else's marital problems... especially if you're the one dropping a bombshell as big as this. But as they have been completely caught with their pants down and as your friend already has her suspicions, I don't think I'd be able to keep quiet. Especially if it later came out that you'd seen them together and said nothing.

AlphaBeta82 · 10/12/2012 11:06

Ohh that sounds like an almost impossible situation... whichever way you go you'll end up in the wrong I'm afraid. I would probably talk to my friend, if it was a really good friend, and just tell her what you saw and leave it at that, where she goes from there is then her choice. If you were your friend wouldn't you want to know?

WinkyWinkola · 10/12/2012 11:09

I would tell them they either come clean or you will have to tell your friend what you saw.

It's crap you're In this position. Affairs often have a large fallout range which makes it even more of a selfish act.

Is OW a good friend of yours?

Themumsnotroastingonanopenfire · 10/12/2012 11:11

How is your friend going to feel if it later transpires that you knew and said nothing? In her shoes I would want to know and would be very unhappy to find out that a friend had known about the affair had kept it from me. Do you think your friend would want to know and if so do you really have the right to remain silent?

Abitwobblynow · 10/12/2012 11:11

Confront them. Tell them that what they are doing causes unimaginable pain to more people than they have started to think about, and that they WILL be found out.

So whilst they are in control of the situation, that they come to what decision they want to come to, and do it.

That is what I would do anyway. (I would NEVER tell the wife. She is the one person who is not in any control of the situation whatsoever, so why give her the responsibility to manage what she didn't cause?)

Duty discharged, their secrecy bubble blown, a bit of healthy disapproval, advice given, responsibility handed back to them.

CanIHaveAPetGiraffePlease · 10/12/2012 11:14

I'd so want to know though -in my case I'd want to be told. I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't.

ComradeJing · 10/12/2012 11:15

My friend discovered that her ex was cheating on her left right and centre and was devastated because so many people had seen him cheat but didnt tell her.

I'd a tell a good friend and I would want to be told to.

ChinUpChestOut · 10/12/2012 11:16

Oh dear OP, you will indeed be shot no matter what you do or say. Either the DW will have a go at you for telling her what she didn't want to really know or for not telling her what she DID want to know.

I have been in this position once. I said nothing. I decided that if the DW came to me to ask if I knew anything I would tell. Otherwise I decided that as I hadn't actually seen her DH and the OW having sex in front of me I wasn't going to assume anything. For all I knew they were watching re-runs of Eastenders when they were hidden away in OW's house. And it wasn't my business to make assumptions and force them on the DW and risk her marriage. Maybe she knew and was prepared to live with it, or maybe she didn't. But who was I to decide that she had to know whatever it was I assumed was going on?

My advice would be to say nothing - and prepare an explanation as above when the DW eventually phones you.

Original poster

AtALoss2012 · 10/12/2012 11:22

Friend is quite a good friend but not one of my closest, sort I don't share everything with but would happily meet up for a cuppa or for Dcs to play. OW is someone who comes along to larger social gatherings etc, I wouldn't invite her to my house for a cuppa for example. My DH is friends with friends DH, which is how we got to know one another many moons ago. OW and friend used to be quite good friends but not so much now I think as friend as DC. Sorry if this sounds confusing.
I'd want to know but I don't want the responsibility of dealing out such horrid news. Though I think deep down I have to do something. Abitwobbly that is a really good point, but I do think maybe I should tell friend...
Oh I really don't know what is for the best!! Very angry at both of them for creating this mess and dragging me into it! (even if it was inadvertantly!)

OP posts:

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 10/12/2012 11:23

"hadn't actually seen her DH and the OW having sex in front of me "

Openly snogging in a restaurant kind of wipes out any element of ambiguity... The OP isn't assuming anything.

MrsCampbellBlack · 10/12/2012 11:27

Would it be possible next time you see your friend to just say 'oh i saw him on x night havign dinner with friend b' and just leave it at that.

She then knows he wasn't away and can ask him about it.

DontmindifIdo · 10/12/2012 11:33

well, you know they are having an affair, and they know that you know they are having an affair, and they are not being discreet, so other people will find out in due course. Plus if they aren't being discreet, it could be that they don't care if they get caught, and therefore are in the 'planning to leave' stage. This then means it's going to all blow up at some point, possibly very soon.

When it does, it could easily be that the Friend finds out independantly that her H has been cheating and he assumes she found out from you, so says something. That would be very hurtful to your friend if she's been going slightly crazy trying to find evidence and she suddenly realises you have known all along. (She might mistakenly think you were either laughing at her behind her back and/or helping her H have an affair)

I would talk to either the OW or the H, say you know what you saw and they have put you in a terrible position. I wouldn't give an ultimatium this close to Christmas, though, I think AbitWobbly is about right. Put it back on them.

chrismissymoomoomee · 10/12/2012 11:33

AtA Please think about it.

Someone I know was in a similar situation to you. She confronted the cheating husband and gave him an ultimatum. The husband then told his wife that the lady I know had tried it on with him and threatened to ruin his life. All of her credibility was gone no one believed anything she said about him and the person he was having an affair with after that.

If you tell the wife then she may find it hard to be around you after that, or her and her husband will try and work it out and then you will be pushed out too.

Its so hard to know what to do for the best I know, but please think of all the possible consequences for yourself before you do anything.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 10/12/2012 11:35

I'd also recommend the 'I saw your DH in ' opening gambit. He's either a) owned up, b) said he was somewhere else or c) said he was with someone else. If she asks you a direct question e.g. 'who was he with'... be honest.

Original poster

AtALoss2012 · 10/12/2012 11:40

In response to chrismissy, yes I am worried about this, we all live in a close knit village, apart from OW but she isn't far away. I can't not see these people on a regular basis, we share friendship circles and community stuff.
It is great you are all giving advice but everyone has such conflicting opinions, wish my brain would work better and sort this mess out in my head! Currently at work and not getting a thing done!

OP posts:

ChinUpChestOut · 10/12/2012 11:40

I know, I know cogitO I'm advocating the chicken's way out.....!

But the thing is, unless the DW is noticeably sniffing around for information on her DH, or gives some kind of indication like some of the other MNers "I'd want to know etc", the OP is not necessarily going to be thanked for this. (Not that she's looking for thanks, you know what I mean).

I'm with chrismissy - OP needs to think it all through before wading in.

Nancyclancy · 10/12/2012 11:40

I agree to the 'I saw your dh out the other evening' approach too! You are not accusing anyone of anything but not letting it go either.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 10/12/2012 11:44

The OP will not be thanked if she drops the bombshell and she will not be thanked if it comes out she kept quiet. In a no-win situation therefore I think it's a case of 'tell the truth and shame the devil'. You may not be popular but you can always defend yourself if you've told the truth.

Original poster

AtALoss2012 · 10/12/2012 11:49

I must admit Cognit0 I am leaning towards this approach. If I just tell the truth to friend, not my assumptions at what this means but exactly what I saw, then I've done what I can feel is the right thing. I always tell DC that he should always tell the truth (albeit with diplomacy!) but needs to accept sometimes people don't like it, but telling people just what they want to hear is as bad as lying. Maybe I need to listen to my own parenting advice.
I will think about this though before wading in. In truth I've thought about nothing else for the last 4 days! I really expected the H or OW to contact me. The only contact I had was OW 'liking' a comment on my FB!!

OP posts:

Abitwobblynow · 10/12/2012 11:50

Or - where does he work?

You could download 'what will you become?' by lindajmacdonald and send it to him anonymously. £8 for a clear conscience and knowing you did your best.

That essay is a right kick in the nuts.

Abitwobblynow · 10/12/2012 11:52

Please don't tell the wife. If you do anything, it should be towards the twat who is doing the damage.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 10/12/2012 11:53

They're not going to say anything are they? They're probably gambling that you're too embarrassed to spill the beans. Also they've had a few days to work out a plausible explanation why he was in that restaurant with female friend where you saw him, etc. etc., just in case you say something.

"What tangled webs we weave"... and so forth....

vitaminC · 10/12/2012 11:54

If the original friendship is through your DH, I would tell him and leave it to him to have a "man-to-man" talk to his friend!

He could probably do it much less confrontationally, in a blokey way: "hey mate, DW told me about you and OW last week, what are you playing at?", then take it from there depending on how he reacts...

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