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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Two friends having an affair? WWYD

92 replies

AtALoss2012 · 10/12/2012 10:56

NC, and really at a loss! Will keep brief as would rather not be known in RL.
I very strongly suspect that my friends DH and our mutual friend are having an affair. Very randomly I was out for dinner with work people and saw them there together. They were being very couply and cosy, holding hands, kissing, giggling until they saw me, I was really shocked but they then shortly got up and left, they didn't talk to me at all or really acknowledge my presence, but they definately saw me. Friends DH had told her he was working away that night. They know I know but haven't said anything to me, this was last thursday night. It does make sense to me as a few months ago I commented to my DH that I would be uncomfortable with him being as friendly and flirty as friends DH was with OW. Friend has also commented that mutual friend(OW) hangs around alot... but it has never gone further than that. DH thinks I should leave it, he says that they know I know so that will either prompt them to come clean or end it and I would be better off not being involved.
Do I tell friend? WWYD?

OP posts:
vitaminC · 10/12/2012 11:55

I forgot to add: otherwise, your own husband might end up getting annoyed with you if his friend falls out with him do to you getting involved!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 10/12/2012 11:57

Oops, more conflicting opinions here

But I would tell the wife what you saw ie. exactly what you saw and no more with no embellishments and judgments about what it might mean. Make sure she knows you have no expectations of what she will/won't do with that information and that it goes no further.

If I were her, I would hate to be the last to know and, when it all comes out, to think that people that are supposed to care about me left me looking like a duped fool.

She has no control over what is happening with her H and the OW but she does have control over what she does in response to being in full possession of the facts

DontmindifIdo · 10/12/2012 12:00

I actually think a start of "I meant to tell you, I was in X restaurant on Friday and I'm sure I saw your DH in there, but he left before I had chance to come over to say hello, I hope he didn't think I was being rude!" as that just gives her the chance the start the conversation along the lines of, "AtA said she saw you in X place, but weren't you away on Friday?" if she asks for further details you can say you thought you saw OW with him, but you don't have to say you saw them kissing unless you want to

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 10/12/2012 12:05

If my husband was cheating and my friend knew about it, I would want them to tell me. It would be the end of the friendship if I found out later that they knew and let me carry on being played the fool.

GlaikitFizzogTheChristmasElf · 10/12/2012 12:05

I agree with AnyFucker here. You need to present your friend with what you saw, and let her know you are there if she needs you, but you will not judge her whatever she decides to do.

Callisto · 10/12/2012 12:07

I would tell the wife, and I would want to be told in her situation. I just don't understand why anyone wouldn't tell a friend that they are being cheated on. All of the damned if you do stuff is just an excuse to do nothing and imo if you do nothing then you are complicit in the affair.

halfthesize · 10/12/2012 12:09

I think advice from MrsCampbellBlack is very good, then its just like an innocent comment made in passing for friend to investigate. I really think she needs to know. Good luck, would hate to be in your position. x

SledsImOn · 10/12/2012 12:09

Talk to your friend.

If you make a big song and dance about it, complete with shocking revelations and so on then that would be horrid and make you look like you were enjoying it - but if you just have a quiet word, in private, and tell her what you saw then she will be more likely to appreciate it.

If you don't tell her and then she finds out that you knew, you'll lose her I imagine.

Horrid situation - I'm sorry.

moogalicious · 10/12/2012 12:10

Ata I have been in this situation. I told the dh who was cheating that I knew and the shit really hit the fan - he told lots of lies and wriggled out of it and I looked like a complete bitch. The DW begged me to tell her the truth but I just couldn't - I was in a such an awful position.

A few months later the DW found out anyway. She thanked me for looking out for her, but I feel terrible that I didn't just tell her straight away. She's forgiven me for that (I think!).

I can't give you any more details as it might out me or my friend. Needless to say, it was an awful position to be in but if it happened again I would tell my friend. No questions. No giving the DH the opportunity to wriggle out of it. If it was me I would want to know that my DH was a cheating bastard. Why protect him?

Original poster
AtALoss2012 · 10/12/2012 12:12

Thnks everyone. I am going to tell her but in a very non-bias way, as you say just what I saw and when and leave it at that. I will support her if she needs it but will also understand if I get caught up in her anger when she lashes out or indeed if she wants to ignore it. I haven't told anyone else apart from DH and we've agreed no-one else is to know as it is not our life being thrown all over the place.
DH did think about talking to friends H but felt he couldn't, and they are not that close anymore. also his exact words were 'I'm not sure if I could stop myself from punching him!' My DH is quite a traditionalist about marriage, espceially when children involved, I'm not sure he would deal with it very informally. DH does think we should say something if it doesn't stop or they don't tell wife, but whatever I feel is right is my decision and he'll support me.

OP posts:
SuperChristmasScrimper · 10/12/2012 12:12

I would say something. It would be the end of your friendship if she found out you knew but carried on letting her being made a fool of.

badinage · 10/12/2012 12:12

Bear in mind that on a forum, some of the advice is going to be coming from people who would have rather have put their heads in the sand and not known - and also from people who've been in the OW or husband's position. Even your husband's opinion is skewed by not wanting to dob in a mate, plus he doesn't sound very good at confrontation.

So just do what you think is the right thing to do. Your friend is already suspicious, but is probably being told she's unreasonably jealous or insecure. She might even be led to think she's going mad. Meanwhile she is risking her health if she's still having sex with an unfaithful man. These two are treating her with contempt and they aren't even being discreet about it.

If you tell her what you saw then she can decide for herself what she does next. She can plan, get a health check, go to see a lawyer, get her own evidence, confront or do nothing. Telling her doesn't force her to do any of those things but it gives her info to make those decisions.

If you tell the husband or the other woman, they will just hide it better so please don't do that.

magimedi88 · 10/12/2012 12:17

Late to this but I think your decision is right, ataloss. It's the lesser of two evils & I would definitely not say anything to the husband or OW.

AlphaBeta82 · 10/12/2012 13:22

Good luck OP, FWIW I think that is the right decision

worsestershiresauce · 10/12/2012 15:23

AtALoss, I think you've made a good decision. If I was the wife in this scenario I would be grateful. Forewarned is forearmed.

ClippedPhoenix · 10/12/2012 15:53

I'd say nothing. It's not my business.

If it came out that I'd seen them I'd just say, oh yes, that's right I saw them in the such and such restaurant.

BornInACrossFireHurricane · 10/12/2012 18:13

Yes I also would tell her what you saw. Give her the chance to decide what to do with the information, the chance to regain some control.

Good luck OP

Pizzaexpress2 · 10/12/2012 18:32

Ooh. A difficult one.
I have been in this position and I kept my head down. I was sure it would come out but it didn't. Couple are still together and all seems well.
I am relieved I never said anything to any of those concerned.
I was waiting for ages for it all to come out and to support my friend as necessary.
Why would it come out that you randomly saw the Dh and ow in a restaurant. You have no firm proof of anything going on so could shrug it off without thinking too deeply.
I would not want to know to be honest. Sad, yes I maybe but what if it does work it's course?
Honesty isn't always the best policy.

MerlotforOne · 10/12/2012 19:47

I caught my Dad in a clinch with a family friend. He didn't know I'd seen them. I told my mum who confronted him. He denied it, gave me a stern talking to, along the lines of 'Merlot, I'm disappointed in you for thinking the worst of me' etc.
6 months later it all came out. He was having an affair with her Sad. I was able to support my mum through the horrendous aftermath. They patched things up and are still together 16 years later.
I believe I absolutely did the right thing, despite the damage it did to mum, who hadn't been suspicious before and might never have found out otherwise. She stopped behaving like a martyred doormat and their relationship is much healthier as a result.

Teeb · 10/12/2012 20:32

What an awful thing your father did to you Merlot (as well as your mother of course.)

ZenNudist · 10/12/2012 20:48

Another vote for tell the wife, do it soon. I'd say 'oh I saw your dh in x place on Friday, he was with y' then change subject to how your work do went.

lunar1 · 10/12/2012 20:49

I think you are doing the right thing, I would want to be told.

MerlotforOne · 10/12/2012 20:52

Thanks Teeb. It was horrendous at the time, I was 18 and living at home, doing A-levels. In hindsight I think it actually undid some of the damage caused by growing up with this idea that men needed looking after, although not all of it, and that I'm less of a doormat as a result (although my feminist SIL would disagree with you!)
Sorry OP, don't mean to hijack, just saying I think telling your friend what you saw is the right thing, regardless of how she reacts to it.

MerlotforOne · 10/12/2012 20:53

Would disagree with me I mean...

MikeOxard · 10/12/2012 21:05

I think you are doing the right thing OP.

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