Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to demand my DH comes home?

86 replies

efme · 07/12/2012 20:25

He has been living with his mum for two weeks because his father is in hospital and his mum has early stage dementia. She is only 65 so it is very sad, and we didn't realise how bad things were until my DH's father went to hospital. She is basically fine but forgetful - she might leave the cooker on, or forget to eat, or leave the house without her keys.

I'm 10 weeks pregnant and have been off work for the last few days because I feel so tired and ill. I know it's all normal, but I also feel very low (I have a history of depression). This is my first pregnancy and I can't stop worrying and panicking about the future. I have been to the doctors and have an appointment with a counsellor but not until the new year. We have a lot of money problems, partly caused by the situation with DH's parents which has taken up a lot of our time over the last year. We're both self employed so any time off = lost earnings. I am terrified of the future and don't know how to cope.

I have spoken to care providers and set up an appointment for my DH and his mother last week. The meeting went well but care will be expensive. But I really feel like I need my DH home, even just for a week. On the other hand his parents need him too, and I'm not doing much to help because I feel so terrible. And at the moment my DH is being very strong, but I know this must all be dreadful for him. The thing is, I just don't know how I can carry on without him for another week. AIBU to ask him to come home?

OP posts:
EuphemiaInExcelsis · 07/12/2012 20:28

Who else do you have? Parents/siblings?

Ragwort · 07/12/2012 20:29

It must be a really difficult time for your DH - for his DM to have early stage dementia at 65 is horrific, could you go and stay with DH and his mother, if you are not working would you have time to do that? It would give your DH some support, he must feel is torn three (four including the baby) ways.

I do appreciate it must be very tough for you as well but making a 'demand' on your DH at this sensitive time is not really going to help anyone.

nannyl · 07/12/2012 20:33

sounds awful

could you go and stay with them for a week intead?

My dad too has early onset dementia, and last month, a week after his 62nd birthday we had to move him into a care home... because even employing carers to be with him 3 times a day was not enough...

Its a truley horrible and cruel illness Sad

and if your Mum needs someone, then (like my dad) she cant manage alone

timeforachangebaby · 07/12/2012 20:35

You are being dreadfully unfair - he is where he needs to be - he isn't having a party is he.

I know early pregnancy is tiring - but to set up a care meeting - without his dad present (assuming he is coming out if hospital at some point and resuming his wifes care) is massively disrespectful and over bearing.

Why can't you go there? Or have his mum to you - but that may be difficult for her.

I'd hate to be in your DHs shoes but if I was (Or Dh ever is) I hope to be supported/ive.

We have discussed this and potentially I will face a position where dh is away mon eve through to Friday as his mother is clear she doesn't ever want to go into care and he is an only child of an elderly parent - I would fully support him and that's with 3 under 5

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 07/12/2012 20:36

TBH demanding he comes home would be very unreasonable. If she leaves the cooker on, locks herself etc she can not be left alone.

I understand the early stages of pg are difficult especially if you already suffer with depression. But it will get better. His mum won't.

It sounds like he is making plans to deal with the situation and it doesn't sound like he is moving in there permanently.

Yes it would be nice for you to have him home, but he needs to sort his mum out.

Pantofino · 07/12/2012 20:37

You are PG not ill - his mum needs him more.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 07/12/2012 20:37

Why did you arrange the meeting?

Mrsjay · 07/12/2012 20:38

would you be able to go and stay there your DH is looking after his mum and his dad is in hospital bet he is so worried about you as well go and stay there so his mind is at ease while you all sort out care for his parents,

Mrsjay · 07/12/2012 20:39

Why did you arrange the meeting?

why not ? i arrabged consultants and OT meetings when My Mil was alive but in hospital least the OP is helping out

Mrsjay · 07/12/2012 20:40

yes yabu to demand he comes home

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/12/2012 20:41

YABU. You are pregnant not ill. His mother is ill and cannot be left alone. His father is in hospital. What else can he do but care for her?

He will look at you differently forever if you stamp your foot about this.

Witchety · 07/12/2012 20:42

Second what portofino said!!

How would you feel if he came back and something happened to his parents?

Witchety · 07/12/2012 20:42

Oh yes, yabu!

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/12/2012 20:43

I don't think you've done anything wrong in setting up meetings etc...okay it might be with your own needs in mind slightly,but speaking to people who can put a care plan in place isn't going to hurt anyone. If anything your DP may well find it very helpful as he's going to be so busy at the moment.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 07/12/2012 20:44

why not ? i arrabged consultants and OT meetings when My Mil was alive but in hospital least the OP is helping out

Thats why I asked the OP, because she may not have been helping. She may have been interfering.

Fakebook · 07/12/2012 20:45

What you just want him to come home and leave his ill mother? YABU! You are pregnant and can lookafter yourself. You don't have a disability. Bloody hell.

Mrsjay · 07/12/2012 20:46

because she may not have been helping. She may have been interfering.

oh ok i did it to help not interfere though as my DH didnt know how to go about it,

and Blush at my spelling arranged wrong

Pantofino · 07/12/2012 20:46

He CAN help his mum, but there is not much he can do for you at the mo, even if he was there. If you had other children and were feeling rough I would be more sympathetic.

JamieandtheMagiTorch · 07/12/2012 20:47

Oh I can imagine how hard you are finding it. I had a small baby and PND when my husband's mother was dying, and I felt lonely and even (gulp) resentful at times.

I think you need to find some other support for yourself at the moment, if you can't be with him.

Not sure why others are assuming you arranged anything without consent. Did you?

Pantofino

Depression is an illness, and the OP sounds like she is feeling very anxious at the moment.

timeforachangebaby · 07/12/2012 20:49

Did the OP consult the dad before arranging this meeting? He is I guess usually the main carer thats my concern, he may not want a long term care package.

Fairylea · 07/12/2012 20:50

Could he bring his mum to live with you for a bit ?.

PassportHell · 07/12/2012 20:52

What panto said.

orchidee · 07/12/2012 20:54

She is basically fine but forgetful - she might leave the cooker on, or forget to eat, or leave the house without her keys.

Seriously? You are very, very unreasonable to write that statement about a person with dementia.

Your MIL has lost the support of her husband, may not understand why and you want her son to return to you - while you're basically fine but pg / tired / missing him?

FFS, try to be supportive. You sound very selfish. He's there to help, he's not partying. He's probably discovering how difficult it can be to arrange suitable care for a person with dementia.

Original poster
efme · 07/12/2012 20:56

I set up the meeting about care because I spoke to both of them and we all decided it would be good to get the ball rolling. When his father comes out of hospital there will be have to be another care plan in place, and at some point my DH has to go back to work, whether or not he stays living there. I purposefully did not want to be at the meeting because I wanted my DH and his mum to talk about their needs without me being there influencing anything.

I have also been sorting out solicitors, estate agents (they need to move to a more accessible home for his father), accountants and social services and talking to the extended family - all at my DH mum's request, who I care about deeply and talk to every day.

Their house is too small for both of us to stay there, and we live in a one bed flat so she can't stay with us.

I know I'm not ill, but I spend most of the day in tears and am scared to go out. My MIL is also not going to get any better and we have to be realistic about the future. We've discussed all living together in the past which I'd be up for, but my DH doesn't want to move to where they live and we can't afford to rent/ buy a big enough place where we live currently.

'Demand' is the wrong word. I just want to ask him if he can come home for a few days. I don't know what else to do - Ive gone to the doctor, I told a friend but she's really busy .. I don't know where else to turn.

OP posts:
bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 07/12/2012 20:58

MrsJAy i get that and your dh is lucky to have someone to help. I was just wanting to know the OPs intentions about behind it.

Its entirely possible she was supporting him and they had discussed it.

Or she may have thought care meeting would mean the mother being put straight in a home and her getting her dh back, regardless of it being the best option iyswim.

I was just trying to gauge how unreasonable the op was.

Swipe left for the next trending thread