to demand my DH comes home?

[efme]

He has been living with his mum for two weeks because his father is in hospital and his mum has early stage dementia. She is only 65 so it is very sad, and we didn't realise how bad things were until my DH's father went to hospital. She is basically fine but forgetful - she might leave the cooker on, or forget to eat, or leave the house without her keys.

I'm 10 weeks pregnant and have been off work for the last few days because I feel so tired and ill. I know it's all normal, but I also feel very low (I have a history of depression). This is my first pregnancy and I can't stop worrying and panicking about the future. I have been to the doctors and have an appointment with a counsellor but not until the new year. We have a lot of money problems, partly caused by the situation with DH's parents which has taken up a lot of our time over the last year. We're both self employed so any time off = lost earnings. I am terrified of the future and don't know how to cope.

I have spoken to care providers and set up an appointment for my DH and his mother last week. The meeting went well but care will be expensive. But I really feel like I need my DH home, even just for a week. On the other hand his parents need him too, and I'm not doing much to help because I feel so terrible. And at the moment my DH is being very strong, but I know this must all be dreadful for him. The thing is, I just don't know how I can carry on without him for another week. AIBU to ask him to come home?

She is basically fine but forgetful - she might leave the cooker on, or forget to eat, or leave the house without her keys.

Seriously? You are very, very unreasonable to write that statement about a person with dementia. Was guy history if depression you being "basically fine but a but fed up"?

Your MIL has lost the support of her husband, may not understand why and you want her son to return to you - while you're basically fine but pg / tired / missing him?

FFS, try to be supportive. You sound very selfish. He's there to help, he's not partying. He's probably discovering how difficult it can be to arrange suitable care for a person with dementia.

Well the OP is ill. She is depressed. Antenatal depression is an illness just as PND is.

You do sound upset, and I understand that. It must be a hard time for you all.

But your Dh, really, rant come home, can he? It wounds like it might not be safe for mil for him to do so? :(

Are your parents around? Does your friend understand how down you are?

You poor thing, hope thing feel better soon.

Not sure why others are assuming you arranged anything without consent. Did you?

I don't think anyone is assuming anything. Thats why I asked the question and didn't accuse of her of doing without consent. Simply asking why she was the one.

I don't understand why its not valid question and needs defending.

Frankly, you need to pull yourself together, your husband cannot come home and leave his mother to herself if she is a danger to herself, which it sounds like she is.

And I say that as someone who has suffered severe depression and understands exactly what it is like.

He CANT come home, he cant leave her.

I'm sure something could be sorted to accommodate you staying there, even if its a blow up bed that could be put away everyday and blown up every evening.

Obviously he cannot stay there forever, but he needs to be there now, have you even been to visit?

The OP has a history of depression. But she is not in physical danger if left alone.

I am sure the OPs DH is gutted he can't be in both places at once. But he has to weigh up the options. Mother is a danger to herself, wife has depression and is stressed.

he can sort out arrangements for care for his mum and then go home. If he goes home tonight, his mum could seriously hurt herself.

The house can't be that small that you can't stay there, you're only ten weeks pregnant!

Just go and help. You'll feel better for being with your DH.

My mum has dementia. She could not be left alone and when my dad was in hospital recently, I had no choice but to go and stay with her until he came out. My DH and DC had to adapt for the few days that I was there, and whilst their problems were more logistical - it was, I am sure, a PITA for everyone and we were all miserable.

But I had no choice.

You say her house is too small for you to stay there but presumably, you would share a bed with your DH who is managing to sleep there, so are you sure that it is too small - rather than you not wanting to be there (which is understandable but you have to look beyond the 'ideal' at the moment)?

I know you must be feeling low but it comes down to the simple fact that mums needs trump yours at the moment and DH can't be in too places.

In your shoes, I would either bit the bullet and be as supportive as you can (DH will NOT want to be there either) or find a way to fit in to her small house for the time that your FIL is in hospital

I'm taken aback by some of the assumptions here. Of course I have been to visit. Of course I haven't done anything without talking to my parents in law and my DH first. They are part of my family and I care about them deeply.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman the last thing I want is for my MIL to go into a home.

orchidee I'm sorry if that sounds insensitive. This is all a very new and worrying situation for us. What I mean is nothing has happened, but obviously we worry about the worst. She says she doesn't need any help but understands how worried her son is about her.

I feel very sorry for you op. it's your first pregnancy, you should be feeling excited and sharing all the excitement with your dp, making plans, talking baby names etc, instead your feeling rotten and don't have your dp to help you out and support you as much as you need/hope. However it sounds like his mum needs him more. Not sure what the answer is there. Could someone sit with his mum for an evening whilst the 2 of you have a nice meal out or something? Is there any other family that coud help out?

My FIL is not the carer, in fact it's the other way round - her husband needs care, and has a care plan in place. This has stopped because he's in hospital. Because my MIL has only just been diagnosed she has not been referred through social services, but I have been trying to get that process going for her. Until now we thought that us visiting them 2/3 times a week was enough. When my FIL went into hospital of course my DH went to live with her immediately but we are not replacing full time care like for like. We are trying to understand what her care needs are and everyone agrees we need to set up a new situation for the future.

Right let's forget about "demanding he return home." Bad phrase, etc.

Consider what do you want, and how can you get it?

E.g. you want emotional support. You want to see him face to face. You want a hug. Perhaps if you can identify something specific you can find a way for it to happen.

Anything you can do to help e.g. arranging appointments or making phone calls is I'm sure appreciated and helps your overall goal.

I am sure that FIL is worried about his wife - after all, he knows how much support she needs - and is relieved that his son is there. Thus will surely help FIL's recovery.

You will all get through this, but it's likely to take a considerable effort.

brady

I wasn't referring to your post. Should have made that clear. It was to timeforachangebaby's

I agree that the OPs MIL will need constant watching at the moment. But OP needs some empathy as well. It's just very hard all round

I agree with that orchidee

Btw DO NOT underestimate the impact of all living together, which you say has been touted previously. Especially with a small child. Read the Talking Point forum on the Alzheimer's Society's website for practical and emotional support for dealing with dementia. Tis very good!

well OP you are drip feeding a lot of information hence the responses, it sounds like in the short term, you need to go and stay there, even if its on a blow up bed, until you have a care plan sorted out and FIL is out of hospital.

In the long term, obviously a care plan needs to be put into place.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman the last thing I want is for my MIL to go into a home.

OP I accept that, I was just trying to get a feel of what is going on.

How far do pil live? If they're moving anyway make to sheltered housing very near you.

You may need to suck it up in the meantime but take the time to ensure a care plan that works is in place so that it is running smoothly as possible when the baby comes - at least you have time to prepare now.

Thanks Fairyegg. For various reasons I won't go into, the extended family can't help at the moment (illness, other family commitments, live too far away ..) My MIL's sister has been great but when we asked if she could relieve my DH for a few hours she said no. I told a friend but she's got two young children and is too busy to talk most of the time.

There is really nowhere to stay in their house. There is one bedroom and my DH is sleeping in a bed with his mother. Anyway, I just feel like I would make her feel worse if I was there, crying all the time. At least on the phone I can pretend to be cheery for half an hour.

She needs him more than you do right now.

Thanks orchidee, maybe that's what I need to do - just think about individual things I need/ can do. Sometimes it feels like everything has happened at once and I can't do anything to sort it out. Every day is another nightmare

I bwould go stay with him, making sure its a few days and clear its not going to be forever.

Just for a couple of days. While new care arrangement's are made.

Your dh has to come home at some point. Talk to him and work out a plan and an approximate timeline.

It sounds a horribly difficult situation OP. I do empathise,which is why I don't think you getting in touch with people who can put a care plan in place is a bad thing. At all. Regardless of your motivation for doing it,the end result may well be very helpful to you all.

But I still don't think that demanding anything will be a good move. Your DP needs your support right now,his parents will not always be here but hopefully you will be together for a long time in the future. It's a tough moment but you have so much to look forward to,you have a new baby coming! Try as best you can to focus on the positives.

would you not feel happier there with DH though? and why not a blow up bed downstairs for the nights? or at least spend all day every day there and go home to sleep

You have choices but seem to want everything your way.

You chose to get pregnant knowing your existing situation, money and health wise, but your MIL didnt choose her condition.

Go and stay and sleep on an air bed in the lounge or stay put and support your husband and be very thankful he is the kind of son parents can be proud of.