to demand my DH comes home?

[efme]

He has been living with his mum for two weeks because his father is in hospital and his mum has early stage dementia. She is only 65 so it is very sad, and we didn't realise how bad things were until my DH's father went to hospital. She is basically fine but forgetful - she might leave the cooker on, or forget to eat, or leave the house without her keys.

I'm 10 weeks pregnant and have been off work for the last few days because I feel so tired and ill. I know it's all normal, but I also feel very low (I have a history of depression). This is my first pregnancy and I can't stop worrying and panicking about the future. I have been to the doctors and have an appointment with a counsellor but not until the new year. We have a lot of money problems, partly caused by the situation with DH's parents which has taken up a lot of our time over the last year. We're both self employed so any time off = lost earnings. I am terrified of the future and don't know how to cope.

I have spoken to care providers and set up an appointment for my DH and his mother last week. The meeting went well but care will be expensive. But I really feel like I need my DH home, even just for a week. On the other hand his parents need him too, and I'm not doing much to help because I feel so terrible. And at the moment my DH is being very strong, but I know this must all be dreadful for him. The thing is, I just don't know how I can carry on without him for another week. AIBU to ask him to come home?

Demand is the wrong word. I don't know why I wrote that. I've been trying to hide how I feel from him but just don't know where else to turn. I suppose I was thinking about making a decision for myself, but it's definitely the wrong word. I would never demand anything of him.

I cant feel optimistic for the future. I want to die. I don't feel like I can face another day, let alone a lifetime. I can't be a mother. All of your responses have made me realise how selfish I am.

efme

You sound very down. For your own protection, I'd have this moved to Relationships.

Re: meals. A company called Wiltshire Farm Foods may be useful. (They've a website. )

They deliver frozen ready meals -they'll put them in the freezer if you want- and are often used by older people. The drivers are nice. Anyway the meals are heated simply in the oven or microwave, no complicated instructions, the packs don't need to be defrosted first or pierced etc. They can be prepared easily by carers. You may find that carers can't do much food prep (they're nit allowed to) so the simpler, the better.

Also, you may find that an old fashioned home help is more flexible than sw-provided carers. Look.into "assisted living" services. Many operate as not-for-profit.

efme

Listen to me. You are not selfish. You are having an emotional reaction to a difficult situation. Not all emotional reactions are saintly. You have not done or said anything cruel or thoughtless to your DH or his parents

Please can others back off the OP

efme, now you are over reacting, you put a lot of information in later posts that explained a lot how you feel and what you have done

part of being pregnant is about self, its a natural instinct

if you are feeling that low then you NEED to speak to someone in real life, and get some help, DH needs to be there - you need someone with you.

I cant feel optimistic for the future. I want to die. I don't feel like I can face another day, let alone a lifetime. I can't be a mother. All of your responses have made me realise how selfish I am.

No Your not.

Demand was the wrong word, if thats not what you meant. So lets disregard it.

Demand he comes home is unreasonable

Wanting to work it out so he can is not.

TBH OP you need more help than we can give, if this is actually how you feel. You need to call your dh right now if you really feel you want to die.

All the issues you have mentioned can be sorted. Money etc Feels like a massive deal but its not. Not compared with a life.

agree brady

Jamie, there is no point in blaming everyone else for the OP drip feeding, its clear now there is a lot more going on than the original DH is with his mum.

OP maybe start a new thread in Mental Health, the posters there are really, really helpful and can offer practical real life advice, they have far more experience of the issues MIL is facing and also your own depression.

They really are lovely - I have spent time posting there myself under a different user ID.

timeforachange

It was clear from the OP's first post, second paragraph, how she was feeling.

Right efme I apologise for saying you sound selfish earlier on. I think you sound desperate and I am trying to help here. I think AIBU is the wrong place for this and you're likely to get more people reading the first post and saying YABU!

You could report the thread and request it's moved to relationships. I am happy to keep posting with ideas if you want.

Today is just one day you know, and what you're feeling isn't permanent. Moments of sheer joy are in the pipeline!

As an aside, this may be useful www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X

It was clear from the OP's first post, second paragraph, how she was feeling.

I disagree. But lets leave that now.

Happy to leave it.

whois

Have you read the whole thread?

Uh, I didn't see the post about wanting to die...

Probably at the moment your needs do trump the parents then! Call your DP ASAP or some friends and get some help!!

JamieandtheMagiTorch no! Nightmare! Bad post bad post bad post!

whois

no worries. I've done it myself
you can report yourself and get it removed

Oh efme

I don't know what to say,please try and focus on the positives you have (I know it's hard when you're at such a low point). You will be a wonderful mother,don't knock yourself so soon. You're clearly a very sensitive and caring person.

Maybe go to stay with your DP whilst he's caring for his mum? Your feelings don't become irrelevant now,if his mum has dementia then it's going to be an on going thing. Talk to him and let him talk to you. Be there for each other. He's probably quite worried about the future too.

Esme- it's in the nature of AIBU that people will respond after reading your initial post and may not read the whole thread.

jamie timeforachange

It was clear from the OP's first post, second paragraph, how she was feeling.

I completely disagree with that.

Will those of you who ignored the mention of depression and the obvious vunerability of the OP please actually take a minute to actually read the post before shitting all over someone who needs help.

Please talk to your GP again. Explain the situation. Talk to your DH and be honest. You need support too.

Narked I have already disagreed with that. There is a difference between anxious and history of depression and the OPs later posts.

Can we leave it now the OP needs help. We can help, or we can have a pissing contest over the first post.

Efme call Samaritans if you need to talk to someone.

Monday go see your gp or midwife and ask about support.now because your mil is not going to get better and you will still be pregnant . And when baby is born you will need support too and your dh cannot always be there for you with his mil responsibilities. You need to try and build up a network of other people too so you can draw on their help. Look into prenatal classesetc so you can meet others. Etc .

What have you taken for depression in the past? Talk to gp about what is safe to take in pregnancy ?

Narked- bit late to the party. No-one has been "shitting all over the OP" since she revealed more info, apart from one person who said "YABU" then apologised after reading more of the thread.

This is AIBU? so it's to be expected that people post yes/no in response to the question asked. Which was, let's face it "his mum has dementia but should I demand he come home anyway?"

I'm not sure what your post is supposed to achieve. No-one that's posted recently, since more info was given, hasn't offered support.