PIL...yep that old chestnut!

[BellaOfTheBalls]

I suspect this should probably be in AIBU but I'm not sure I'm brave enough!

Small backstory - we moved away about 10 months ago to a beautiful rural area due to DH getting a job that offered far better prospects than any he could get where we were. It also has the added bonus of being close to my family. We weren't wrong; the move has proved to be the best thing we've ever done, DCs happy, DH & I happy, DH promoted to head of a department within 6 weeks of starting etc. PIL understood but MIL was extremely upset; she didn't get out of bed for three days when she found out. They are visiting for the weekend & arrived while DH was at work. All good & fine until MIL said to 16mo DS2 in baby talk "your mummy & daddy kidnapped Granny's boys and took them away from her, didn't they?" I didn't say anything but was upset by it. She then told me how it doesn't feel like Christmas, there's no point putting any of the decorations or the tree up because the DCs aren't there & its too depressing. She says all this to me & not DH, so sometimes it can feel like I am being singled out or that she lays the "blame" solely at my door.

It's been almost a year since we found out we were moving and 10 months since we actually moved. She's seen DC's every 2 months in that time and we Skype weekly. I make an effort to post lots of pictures & videos on FB or to send them to her via text/email etc. What more can I do?

Do you think it would have been easier for her if you had moved somewhere that wasn't near your family? She probably feels like you have chosen them over her.

All the same she needs to get used to the new status quo.
But be kind, because she sounds unhappy. All her dreams have been toppled, which isn't a nice thing to happen to anyone.

nothing. you can do no.more, and that includes the fact that you cannot change her.
however I would have to address the kidnapping statement- it is not okay to demonize your choices,band partly you, to your children- she should be brought up on that. but unless it is important like that, try and let the rest go. she won't change and your trying to reason will only make her resentment worse.

So sorry she is trying to make you feel bad. If it's any consolation, my own PIL reacted in a very similar way when we moved to the other end of the country, but after a couple of years they finally seemed to accept our decision. DH and I ignored all the tears and tantrums in the meantime, and stayed in regular contact.
It sounds as though you are doing all the right things, you sound very thoughtful and caring. Hope they come to accept your decision sooner rather than later.

I don't know alibaba but yes, suspect there is an element of that.

I'm not one for being brutal with people or for rocking the boat at all really as I struggle with confrontation. I just find this situation confusing and a little frustrating at times as she openly states she understands our reasons for moving, how much she likes the area we live in etc. I can completely understand that she conflicting emotions about it but I just find that I feel guilty for something that was actually a positive move.

No you mustn't feel guilty.

I'm glad she does actually understand really. She sounds a bit like my mum - lovely but mouth before brain at times.

Can you talk about how much the boys will like going to stay when they are older?

I think just keep on as you are, but I would ask her not to say things like the kidnapping statement again - really not appropriate!

"I don't know alibaba but yes, suspect there is an element of that."

A touch disingenuous, perhaps?

Sorry if that seems disingenuous. It's really not meant to, more a case of "typing out loud" as my thought process comes together. Never a good option.

She logically understands but emotionally is very upset. Completely understandable but those sort of comments just make it worse for everyone. Can you sit down and really listen to how upset it has made her feel, and understand it and tell her you understand. Doesn't change the fact that you both know its the right thing, but it might help her deal with the emotional fall out.

Also, do you always make sure that she knows when the next visit/call will be and how much the children are looking forward to it? Help her feel as connected as she can?

Your post should not be in AIBU; its not a question of being reasonable or unreasonable. Its more of a relationships issue. Its your MIL who is primarily at fault here; she chose to lie in bed for three days, she has chosen not to put the decorations up. I'd let her get on with it; ignore such childish tantrums because she wants her own way all the time. Do not allow yourself to be further dragged in to her own toxic style of behaviour. She wants you to feel guilty, after all you took her darling boy away from her and now you've moved further away from her (influence) to boot!.

Does she happily acknowledge all the photos etc you send to her without any rancour or backstabbing or does she still moan about not seeing them enough?.

She needs to be reminded that your family primarily moved to this new area for better employment prospects and the move has been a very beneficial one for your family unit. Your H and you need to present a united front to such difficult people.

You need to talk to your H about her behaviours, it may well be very painful for him to hear it and may disregard it but it needs to be talked about all the same. Also he has had a lifetime of such conditioning at her hands so may not regard her behaviours as odd or manipulative.

Also it in interesting to note that she has not said anything directly to her darling boy, it is usually their wife i.e you in this case who cops any resentment (that has always been there for you) and supposed hurt feelings. They've also turned up when DH was at work unsurprisingly (so no-one to back you up). This woman knows full well what she is doing and her H seems to back her up fully by enabling her. He may also have heard this daft kidnapping comment but did not pick her up on it either did he?.

What is FIL like - I ask only as you have not mentioned him at all. He may well be the bystander here acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

What she has said to your child and to you is completely unacceptable (you were probably too shocked to say anything but regret not doing so) and she should be pulled up on it every time. Emotionally manipulative and bullying tactics cannot be tolerated at all. Your own boundary re your MIL needs to be reset and set a lot higher than it currently is. These people will not change but you can certainly change how you react to them.

"Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward may well be helpful to you as it further explains the dynamics.

I'm sorry, bella ( as people say when they are about to be rudely blunt) but if you have all moved a long way away "with the added bonus of it being near your family" and are irritated with you mil because she doesn't see it as a completely positive move for everybody, then maybe a little empathy is called for?

Where are you going for Christmas?

Oh Attilla FFS - every parent/MIL whoever who does something we don't like isn't necessarily toxic.

IMO that takes away from the situations where there is genuinely toxic behaviour.

People are allowed to be upset you know...

Jesus wept, Atilla- I'm glad I'm not the dust beneath your chariot wheels!

Seeker

You know, none of us must speak to our extended families. We should live in a bubble and do exactly as we like without reference to others.

Oh, wait - isn't that what toxic behaviour is?

I think its the other way around; MIL is completely hacked off that Belles family moved away, albeit for sound economic reasons.

MIL not getting out of bed for three days (thought of Miss Faversham when I read that) after receiving news of such a move is manipulative, attention seeking behaviour. Does your DH know that his mother pulled such a stunt?.

I can understand her being upset, but taking to her bed for three days? Really? That's not the reaction of a rational adult.

You don't say how old your DC are, but you had been living closer to your PILs than your own family for some time- was she sympathetic to their situation then?

I think you should pull her up on remarks like the one you mentioned in your OP- it's quite an unpleasant thing to say, imo. You perhaps could say jovially 'Oh MIL, don't be silly- of course we didn't kidnap our own children. What a funny thing to say!'

If she persists, maybe point out that you lived closer to them for x number of years while your family were further away, and now the situation has reversed and your Mum and Dad get the chance to be more hands-on, like she was.

I have an equal right to express my opinion even though you disagree with it.

MIL has interesting ways of showing she is upset doesn't she?. Rather than openly discussing any concerns she has with the OP and her DH she comes out with comments about OP and her H kidnapping their own children and not choosing to put the decorations up.

Many people (like yourselves undoutedly and fortunately) do not come from families where this sort of crap goes on but MILs part in this situation could certainly be seen as manipulative and attention seeking.

How else could she lying in bed for three days after receiving news of such a move be described?.

I don't think you can do any more. You are trying to keep them involved and see them regularly. She is allowed to be upset of course, but how she chooses to express that upset is her choice and very telling. The comment about the kidnapping thing was ridiculous. If she tries to talk at you through the 16 month old again tell her that he probably doesn't understand what she is saying so perhaps she could direct such remarks directly to you, as that seems to be the intention.

God I'm glad you are the DIL Bella, and not some of the, I think, excessively harsh posters on her.

I agree you should pull her up on the 'kidnapping' comment, but in a joking way (as said above).

It's clear from what you say that your MIL is very upset and missing you all. Would it be worth your DH having a one-to-one chat with PIL about how your MIL is day to day? Tbh, it sounds to me like she's depressed and could do with some prof help. Three days in bed is not rational, but nor does it sound like a 'toxic MIL' to me.

I think the point about her dreams of the future having fallen own was bang on. She probably saw herself being the on-the-spot Granny watching them grow up. Of course, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you moving, and it sounds like a lovely place and situation you're in. You should absolutely not feel guilty, but you can be (as you already are) empathetic.

You asked what more can you do - the answer is nothing really. It's your MIL who has to (god I hate this phrase) work though it. As I said before, it doesn't sound like she's managing this on her own. Maybe DH and you can suggest she goes to see her GP?

Hope you can all enjoy the rest of their visit.

You don't like her making comments like that because it makes you feel guilty? you have nothing to feel guilty about but, come on, we're all human and you are aware of the awful wrench it was for her. She's allowed, though, to express her distress, even though she may tip over sometimes into expressions that aren't helpful. I see her comment as real - that's how she sees it - but at the same time accepting. I don't see that it was malicious.

I agree that 3 days in bed suggests something else going on with her, possibly. I'm at the other end with kids flown and it's not pretty when they do, though you hide it and they never know. I've been know to sniff dc's sheets, climb in and have a big cry but they'd never know that. It was the end of an era, a time of huge investment that had finally reached its conclusion (for me) but for her she didn't expect that you'd all up and move. I don't know how old she is or what her background is, but my mum is upset that all her kids are flung around the same city for goodness sake. She honestly expected us to live nearby, as she and her siblings did to their parents. Different expectations but she's adjusting and wishing you well by the sound of it. She's doing the best job she can imo.

She didn't get out of bed for 3 days when she found out you were moving?

There is either something else wrong (mental health issues?) or she is a massive drama queen manipulator.

and btw our dad tells us things about our mum that she doesn't want us to know. He's a bit of a blabbermouth, my dad. He'd be the type to tell my kids I climbed into their beds and sobbed when they left home. I wouldn't want them to know that.

Sounds like she's a drama Queen, your DH can't be surprised by this, he'll know. My mother is a drama Queen, my DH has been contacted about a new job in Abu Dhabi, if he does take it, I'm expecting a similar reaction, poor DH, he'll be the bad guy stealing her DGC... (I think MIL will be sad, I also think she'll plaster on a smile and tell her DS what a great opportunity it is - while FIL looks at the golf resorts out there....)

Anyway, you need to tell your DH what she said, he needs to manage this, keep saying how happy he is and how grateful he is that you were prepared to move away from your friends to support him and what a great wife you are for doing this. He needs to focus on the sacrifice you made for his career (you must have had friends and a life in your old town). He can say how you never complain about it but he knows you miss your old friends etc. You need to keep the focus on your DH's career, this was a move for him (even if he wasn't really!). It's harder for a MIL to complain that her DIL has "taken her boys away" when the narrative is "this is all about DH's career".

If she says you've kidnapped the DCs again, pull her up on that, a simple "please don't say that MIL" would do.

So it's absolutely fine for a mumsnetter to weep buckets when her child goes away on PGL for 4 nights, but a MIL is toxic or has mental health issues if she weeps buckets when her adult child and her grandchildren move hundreds of miles away?