PIL...yep that old chestnut!

[BellaOfTheBalls]

I suspect this should probably be in AIBU but I'm not sure I'm brave enough!

Small backstory - we moved away about 10 months ago to a beautiful rural area due to DH getting a job that offered far better prospects than any he could get where we were. It also has the added bonus of being close to my family. We weren't wrong; the move has proved to be the best thing we've ever done, DCs happy, DH & I happy, DH promoted to head of a department within 6 weeks of starting etc. PIL understood but MIL was extremely upset; she didn't get out of bed for three days when she found out. They are visiting for the weekend & arrived while DH was at work. All good & fine until MIL said to 16mo DS2 in baby talk "your mummy & daddy kidnapped Granny's boys and took them away from her, didn't they?" I didn't say anything but was upset by it. She then told me how it doesn't feel like Christmas, there's no point putting any of the decorations or the tree up because the DCs aren't there & its too depressing. She says all this to me & not DH, so sometimes it can feel like I am being singled out or that she lays the "blame" solely at my door.

It's been almost a year since we found out we were moving and 10 months since we actually moved. She's seen DC's every 2 months in that time and we Skype weekly. I make an effort to post lots of pictures & videos on FB or to send them to her via text/email etc. What more can I do?

I don't think your MIL is resenting you moving for work. From what you've said she accepts that. But that doesn't change that it just is a wrench for her. Nobody's fault, it's just a wrench. I also don't think she took to her bed for 3 days because her son was moving away, but that his (and your) children were moving away. This would be a huge wrench for her. although I'm not that age (yet), I commiserate with women who are and whose children have moved far away - or, horror, abroad - with their families. It just is hard for the GPs. Nobody's fault, just hard.

btw, sending details of a council house move - did you discuss this with them first?

My 16 year old is at a party tonight. And I miss her. Merlin wasn't the same! I'll be delighted when she leaves home, because it"ll be what's right for her. But I will willl also be heartbroken. And I can see myself spending 3 days under the duvet.

Yes hopespringy. FIL has no family where they live & MIL only speaks to one of her six siblings, despite them all being local to her. They had seemed keen when we mentioned that perhaps they could move closer and as they had liked the area so much when they came down I honestly thought it would be a good, positive thing and would maybe show her that we wanted them closer. I was clearly mistaken!

I wonder how old they are and how long they've lived where they are. A significant move might be far too much for them, even though it would mean being nearer their gc. I assume they are working class (as my parents are) and there can be an inherent powerlessness in the wc psyche - 'I couldn't possibly do that !' My parents could no more do this than move to the moon; their world is very small.

I'm not excusing them or siding with them, just trying to flesh it out, particularly as I'm not sure you fully appreciate the wrench it has been for her. As I said above, it just is a wrench, nobody's fault (and not necessarily anything that can be done). I suppose she is just grieving, which our culture is uncomfortable with and notoriously doesn't tolerate well, believing we have the power to avoid it by doing something to remedy it; and if we don't do anything, are seemingly passive and just grieve, people can easily lose patience.

It may also take a while for the idea to filter through that they could move but they're unlikely to make the decision quickly. My parents would consider a move like that outrageously daring and frightening.

Thank you hopespringy I don't think I do fully understand the wrench and probably won't until my DCs are older or I have GC myself. If I cannot understand I need to be accepting & am going to try harder to do this.

Bella I think you've taken all of this really well. I hope that my boys marry someone who is prepared to work to build and maintain relationships with me and DH and you are with your PILs.

As the mother of boys, and only boys, I am always very aware that how I treat my PIL is the model that they will have of how involved and welcome paternal grandparents should be.

Most of the people I know have moved away from their parents, the ones who haven't usually didn't go to college and aren't very career minded.
You and your husband choose where you will live, your MIL can choose to huff about it. If she doesn't want to put up decorations if there are no kids there that's her choice. I put up fewer now my kids are older, if I wasn't here my husband wouldn't bother with any or a tree (I love xmas trees).
If you want to phone her more often then do so although I hate the way phoning, card writing etc falls to women often in relationships so I refuse to do that sort of stuff with my husband, it then means I don't get singled out for little chats because the little chats are with my husband.
I would get on with making new contacts in your new home. It isn't your job to make your MIL happy and fulfilled, that's her job.

So they left today. DH had a little word with regard to the "kidnap" comment this morning while I was asleep & it turns out she says that to anyone who mentions it. Not sure if that makes me feel better (shes not saying it solely to raise a reactionin me) or worse (people who dont fully know the situation might think we left on bad terms). I have put the comment down to experience and will move on from it. New Years Resolution; if they cannot make the effort for whatever reason then we will!

So the next time someone co we on here and says "my des is on pgl and ican't stop crying" or even "I won't let my dd stay overnight with granny becUse I'd miss her too much" we all just say "you're bonkers and/or toxic" do we?

Neither of those are on a par with staying in bed for 3 days, and I tend not to refer to people with mental health issues as 'bonkers' because I'm not an ignorant cunt.

Bella - you sound absolutely lovely and I hope you and your DH will continue to treat your MIL with such kindness.

2Rebecca - I've been reading your posts on MN for years and your callousness never ceases to dismay me.

Neither of those are on a par with staying in bed for 3 days, and I tend not to refer to people with mental health issues as 'bonkers' because I'm not an ignorant cunt"

No? I wouldn't assume that a person who was sad when her family moved hundreds of miles away had mental health. But then I have empathy. Oh, and also, I'm not an ignorant cunt.

Splinters - indeed.

If an older woman/granny said to me that her son/daughter has moved away, 'kidnapping the g'kids', I'd know exactly what she meant in the spirit it was meant. It's a way of joking about something that is obviously painful, that's all. Older people have a code and a way of talking which involves a lot of wry humour. Getting old isn't a bundle of laughs so they have their own black humour about it.

However, I don't know her. You mention that she doesn't speak to 5 of the 6 siblings she has living nearby and I guess you're suggesting she can be difficult? You never know what goes down in some families though.

2rebecca - remind me not to introduce you to my boys argh

My teenagers both have plans to move away from me, one of them is keen to move abroad. To me that's what kids do. You raise them and then they leave and live independant lives.
I expect my kids to keep in touch but I didn't have kids for my own benefit to entertain me and stay just round the corner and invite me for dinner every Sunday.
I do think there is alot of sexism on mumsnet. Women are expected by other women to continually play the carer. Husband can't be arsed to contact his mum? Little wifey should do it (or be called callous), husband can't be arsed to remember birthdays/ send cards? ditto.
We are all responsible for our own happiness (apart from when our children are dependant on us). When my kids are adults it won't be their job to keep me happy, and it isn't my job to make my dad happy.
I don't think that we should go around deliberately being unpleasant to each other, and I love all my relatives, but I hate manipulative clingyness.

"My teenagers both have plans to move away from me, one of them is keen to move abroad"

that doesn't surprise me in the slightest ...

Let's not be nasty eh

I read this situation the same way Attilla has.

A woman who stays in bed for 3 days when her son's family moves, boycotts Christmas decorations for the same reason, and makes comments about "kidnapping Granny's boys" TO the children is a self-centred manipulator who has to make it All About Her.

Solutions are to pull her up on her behaviour as and when it happens (not easy to do, especially for one who avoids confrontation as OP says she does), set firm and consistent boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate, and ignore any tantrums. And seek a united front with your partner, who will find it immeasurably harder to do than you due to his own childhood conditioning.

"A woman who stays in bed for 3 days when her son's family moves, boycotts Christmas decorations for the same reason, and makes comments about "kidnapping Granny's boys" TO the children is a self-centred manipulator who has to make it All About Her."

Totally agree. Someone who does this either has mental health problems or is a manipulative drama queen.

The mil sounds upset and manipulative to say such things like "kidnapping". You might wallow in bed for three days but you don't broadcast your upset to your ahem grown up children unless you want to burden them with a massive sense of guilt for saying what they want/need to do.

Transition is upsetting but with adult children, unfortunately it's no longer about you, the parent. It's time to fill your life with other things.

Splinter, what a bitchy comment about children wanting to live abroad! You sound terrible! Did you mean to? I too wanted to live abroad as a teen - and I did - but it was not a reflection of wanting to get away from my parents. I had such confidence thanks to them, that I felt I could explore the world and they would support and respect my choices.

I agree with Attilla too.

Someone who stays in bed for three days and makes this public knowledge in order to create drama and make others feel guilty is quite different from someone who is upset and has a little cry in private because she is naturally going to miss her grandchildren when they move away.

Don't indulge her too much OP, be kind but firm. You are not responsible for making other adults happy, they are responsible for their own happiness.

Just re-read this thread. I do agree with 2rebecca about it often falling to women to maintain contactamd bolster family relationships but I still question the idea of absurd out of proportion "clinginess".

Three days in bed when PILs were first told about the move which then took place 10 months' ago. FIL mentioned this not MIL. No subsequent 'tantrums' and they've kept in contact so no huffy silences.

This visit MIL said something daft and commented about not feeling like it'll be Christmas. Quite ordinary for people to talk about Christmas being "for the children" so not altogether surprising if MIL is disappointed.

Like I said earlier I don't think OP could do any more than she has. I should have added it's not fair if MIL singles her out for sarky digs and DH shouldn't duck out of smoothing things. If she does it again through the DCs a brisk response in kind along the lines of, "Oh Granny knows we only moved because of Daddy's job and we're still in touch as much as we can be" should suffice.

That should read contact and bolster sorry.

Although rough on you, try to see it from your PIL's point of view. She obviously lives for her grandchildren and misses them desperately. She may take take this out on you a bit at the moment because it's still quite raw. But please have some empathy....make the time you spend with them really special- go out of your way to help your children make lovely personal gifts and maybe even arrange a.weekend stay or special trip with them in the new year. Also make the most of very keen babysitters! They just need to be reassured that out of sight doesn't mean out of mind.

Lots of people don't have the luxury of doting grandparents - both you and your children are very lucky (even if it doesn't always feel like it!) xx

Of course she is being a drama queen and manipulative. You moved because of her son but she is making her comments to you knowing full well as a woman you will pick up on exactly what she is saying whereas as her son will either not register them (ie too used to such comments) or think she is joking.

Just carry on being happy and doing what you are doing. If she wants to wallow in self pity let her. You can't do anymore.