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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

PIL...yep that old chestnut!

81 replies

BellaOfTheBalls · 01/12/2012 07:01

I suspect this should probably be in AIBU but I'm not sure I'm brave enough!

Small backstory - we moved away about 10 months ago to a beautiful rural area due to DH getting a job that offered far better prospects than any he could get where we were. It also has the added bonus of being close to my family. We weren't wrong; the move has proved to be the best thing we've ever done, DCs happy, DH & I happy, DH promoted to head of a department within 6 weeks of starting etc. PIL understood but MIL was extremely upset; she didn't get out of bed for three days when she found out. They are visiting for the weekend & arrived while DH was at work. All good & fine until MIL said to 16mo DS2 in baby talk "your mummy & daddy kidnapped Granny's boys and took them away from her, didn't they?" I didn't say anything but was upset by it. She then told me how it doesn't feel like Christmas, there's no point putting any of the decorations or the tree up because the DCs aren't there & its too depressing. She says all this to me & not DH, so sometimes it can feel like I am being singled out or that she lays the "blame" solely at my door.

It's been almost a year since we found out we were moving and 10 months since we actually moved. She's seen DC's every 2 months in that time and we Skype weekly. I make an effort to post lots of pictures & videos on FB or to send them to her via text/email etc. What more can I do?

OP posts:
Narked · 01/12/2012 13:22

They moved 'due to DH getting a job that offered far better prospects than any he could get where we were.'

I'd suggest she talk to her son.

Narked · 01/12/2012 13:24

I would be concerned for the mental health of an adult who doesn't get out of bed for 3 days when they're told their adult son is moving.

Lueji · 01/12/2012 13:26

I agree with telling your DH about it.

And they are not her boys, are they?

Or you could invite them to move to that area too.

Lueji · 01/12/2012 13:28

Reading back the OP, does she want to get invited to stay at yours for Christmas?

clam · 01/12/2012 13:37

"Or you could invite them to move to that area too."

Shock Blimey, steady on!!

ScrambledSmegs · 01/12/2012 13:51

Um. I can see both sides. I do think it's a bit unfair of your MIL to use such emotive language at you - especially to refer to you and your DH 'kidnapping' your own children. Taking to her bed for 3 days does sound drama-queenish, but we don't know the full circumstances. I think giving her the benefit of the doubt is best, she loves your children very much and wants see you all.

Also, you haven't said how much time you used to spend with PIL's before the move? If she was a very involved grandmother beforehand I'm not surprised she feels upset. I know that since retiring my PIL's have wanted to see us more, and my MIL in particular loves nothing more than seeing her grandchild and feeling like she's essential to our family (which of course she is). If that was taken away, no matter how good the reasons, she would understandably be very sad.

I also think seeing them once every 2 months is not really enough, unless you live somewhere so remote that access is an issue. I realise it may be for practical reasons, but to go from (I assume) regular contact to once every 2 months must have been quite a blow. Skype isn't the same, it's ok but when children are small there's not really much you can get out of it.

How is your relationship with your MIL normally? Can you talk to her? Or is it best to let your DH discuss how your PIL's feel with them? Maybe you can make a joke of any comments you feel are 'digs' at you - I doubt your MIL has thought them through like that, she just sounds like the kind of person who wears her heart on her sleeve. I hope you have a lovely weekend with them.

Sorry if this is all a bit jumbled or doesn't make sense. I appear to be in early labour, so am MNing through the pain...

Narked · 01/12/2012 13:59

MNers are hardcore Grin Good luck Scrambled.

Lueji · 01/12/2012 14:00

Loving it! :o

Good luck with labour.

Narked · 01/12/2012 14:08

The reality is that if she had her grandchildren on her doorstep and regular contact, they were a major part of her life. Seeing them every two months and once weekly on Skype will leave her feeling bereft, but even if you spent an hour a day trying to get small DC to engage on Skype and saw her monthly, she would still feel the loss of having them close by. You sound like you've been trying to keep up contact, and you could try to up that a bit more, but there isn't a way you can fill the gap created by her not having them near. She will have to do that by finding other things to occupy her time and attention.

ScrambledSmegs · 01/12/2012 14:09

RAAAH!

The idea of me being hardcore Grin Thank you!

hopespringy · 01/12/2012 14:14

I know a woman whose granddaughter thinks granny is a newsreader because of Skype...

Mintyy · 01/12/2012 14:24

Ask your dh to have a word with her if its upsetting you so much.

Mintyy · 01/12/2012 14:26

How far away do you live now? We live 3 and a half hours drive away from my inlaws and see them every 2 months, even though dh works most weekends. Practically every Saturday he has off is given over to his parents because they love and want to see us.

seeker · 01/12/2012 17:35

"And they are not her boys, are they?

Yes they are they are. They are also their aunts and uncle's boys, their godparent's boys............

seeker · 01/12/2012 17:40

"I would be concerned for the mental health of an adult who doesn't get out of bed for 3 days when they're told their adult son is moving."

So the next time someone co we on here and says "my des is on pgl and ican't stop crying" or even "I won't let my dd stay overnight with granny becUse I'd miss her too much" we all just say "you're bonkers and/or toxic" do we?

DontmindifIdo · 01/12/2012 18:12

Seeker - there's a world of difference between missing a child you are still responsible for and crying for 3 days over an adult who's married, lived away from you for years and is no longer your responsibility moving.

seeker · 01/12/2012 18:42

My daughter will be going away to university in about 18 months time. I'm dreading it. Will I be bonkers or toxic if I cry and miss her like crazy?

lopsided · 01/12/2012 18:54

To be honest, I think you just ignore the odd if hurtful comment. It must be very distressing to see your future one way (that you'd like) and then have that all change. Once every 2 months is not very often when children are small. Perhaps you could talk about the future when they might go to stay for a bit of the holidays.

Do you go to visit her? Will you see them at Christmas. These things are important.

splintersinmebum · 01/12/2012 18:59

Could they move to your new area?

Original poster
BellaOfTheBalls · 01/12/2012 19:26

Thank you all for the responses; I appreciate them all & do agree that I need to be a little more forgiving about the situation. I think its all too easy to forget that while your life has moved on, others are still dealing with what you have left behind. I must remember this and not judge too harshly. I will try and tackle some of the points raised, bear with me.

MIL is somewhat prone to attacks of the Drama Queen hence the taking to her bed for three days. We always knew that it was going to be difficult for her to cope with. Without going into endless details she has two older GC that she doesn't see regularly due to issues with access and BIL's Ex-P. She saw our moving as her losing "her boys" and I think relived a lot of what she went through previously, despite the fact we would never actively prevent her seeing the children. FIL is great; quite abrupt though but we get on very well. He doesnt say no to MIL though and has a tendency to let her get on with it rather than tell her when to stop if that makes sense.

Arranging to see them more regularly is a bone of contention between DH & I. Previously we would visit my parents once every 2 months, but my parents would visit us every 2 months so we were seeing each other monthly. However PIL have nowhere for us to stay which means we need petrol plus have to pay for 2 nights in a hotel for us & the DCs which always seems to come to £150+. We struggle to accommodate them here as we have no spare bedroom but we manage although the cost of the fuel is a stretch as neither of them are well enough to work.

This all sounds like excuses. I'm well aware of that. They are going to FIL's family in Scotland for Christmas which they are looking forward to. DH & I have talked about this today and have decided we must make more of an effort to go to them and I will call her more often during the week as I listen to her whereas DH doesn't have the time or, sometimes, the patience. Her friends & family have a tendency to feed dramas and negativity by saying "oh poor you" which seems to cement her feelings but actually when you "now, MIL come on" and suggest other ideas/options she accepts these readily and takes them on board really well but DH & I seem often to be the only ones who do this!

Thanks again for all the feedback and especially to PP who is in the position my MIL is in; your post really helps me to see it from her POV. I'm fairly certain I'll be posting something similar myself in twenty-odd years!

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/12/2012 19:39

I don't think you can do much more than you are doing, tbh. I don't know whether DH is an only child or whether there are oodles of family close by to PILs. It's been a while since you moved but a visit probably highlights how the GDCs grow and change and underlines what MIL is missing, Skype makes for poor cuddles.

You say they understood work prospects were better so they didn't try and talk you or DH out of it. Your PILs haven't upped and followed you so no danger of stalking which could lead up to toxic or weird behaviour. Think of how many posters write in saying their PILs are obnoxious and never bother or openly detest them as DILs. Here's a woman who evidently loved having you all close by and still misses you.

I might be tempted to get DH to ask FIL quietly is MIL all right, she sounds depressed.

Original poster
BellaOfTheBalls · 01/12/2012 19:39

Oh and as for moving, yes this has been mentioned repeatedly. They are in a council property so I made enquiries with the local council here about housing and requested relevant forms on their behalf then posted them to them. The response was completely non-committal and the subject quickly changed. They are the type that are very resigned and accepting of their fate regardless of whether it is a good thing or not. They do not actively seek out ways and means to make things better, they simply accept what is handed to them. This is great as it means they take everything in their stride, but not so great as when things don't go so well they do not go out of their way to change the situation.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/12/2012 19:41

Oops, posting while doing other stuff and missed your post, Bella.

elizaregina · 01/12/2012 21:13

Bella

You sound very caring and I would take what MIL says with a pinch of salt. I also dont blame her for taking to her beds for three days - or three weeks - if that is how deeply she feels = that is how she feels HOWEVER - there is no need to let you know about it! I wouldnt call it toxic - but I am wary of people who cry and let everyone know it....

It would be differnet if your FIl had said " mil took it hard and took to bed..."

Nice - GP's who dont see thier GC purely because of relationship break down with the GC parents - often dont get any contact at all...I really feel for your MIL but also hopes she does appreciate how much effort you are making to keep up contact.

On a lighter note if you watch Gavin and Stacey - do you remever the time Gavins mum kicked off when they announced they were going to move to wales to be with stacyes family?

I know its a program but imagine stacy talking about her on here!!

At the end of the day - dont take it too serioulsy, allow her to be upset - tell your DH about it - maybe next time she says something to you - in a really nice way ask her if she can talk to DH about it - always let her know she is missed - and just remeber soon this arrangement - will be the norm and all will be well.....

Phineyj · 01/12/2012 21:59

I think you're doing everything you can to make the relationship good, in my opinion. It's not at all unreasonable to have to move for work, especially in the current economy. A number of people I know have moved to different countries to their extended families -- a few hours' drive is nothing compared to that. When my DSis and I were small, we saw our GPs only occasionally as they moved to Devon, but the trips were wonderful. In fact the visits were much more enjoyable than going every Sunday when they moved back nearer to where we were!