Porn and lies

[sickofporn]

I wonder if anyone can advise me on how to block porn from my home computers and husband's phone. DH has told me he is going to stop (again) but I want to make sure it can no longer be accessed in my home should he relapse. I have no sex life while DH seems prefers to prefer a wank over disgusting images. I have to protect my DCs and save my marriage :(

[FastLoris]

I told him that maybe I should try having a search for big cocks on the Internet for me to wank over, but I would never want to hurt him by wanking over other men.

What was his reaction, when you told him that?

Also, why do you think that his not looking at porn would make your sex life OK? They're different things. He might just not fancy you, or he might not feel comfortable being intimate with you, for whatever reason.

There are various ways of blocking porn, with various degrees of effectiveness, and none perfect AFAIK. I'm no expert but you could try this:

www.opendns.com

Unlike conventional filtering software, it doesn't install a program on your PC. Instead, it reroutes your internet connection to go via the OpenDNS server rather than your ISP's server. You can then set various filters on the feed itself, and they apply to everything that comes into the house via that connection, no matter what device it's accessed on.

[ecclesvet]

No, not saying that at all. Just that her view of the "our sex life is bad because he watches porn because our sex life is bad because he watches porn because our sex life is bad because he watches porn because our sex life is bad because he watches porn because..." cycle is no more valid than his.

[AnyFuckingDude]

I believe that a person like this, if he did have a satisfying sex life would still use porn. So, i don't actually agree it's a cycle at all.

It's a justification, and a false one at that. This inference that he uses porn because his sex life is "unsatisfactory" is bollocks. He uses porn (at the expense of his marriage) because he is an unsatisfactory and inadequate person.

[sickofporn]

Thank you AFD those are my sentiments also.

FastLoris - He thinks I would never really look at other men, and I don't want to. I think that would make me feel worse, not better. I did think of leaving a search history of hot naked young men shagging on the pc for him to find but then I thought I don't want him to get any more ideas!

As for him not fancying me well it's his loss then I refuse to let his seedy habit affect how I feel about myself.

If we never had sex again for a real reason such as his health I would live with that but I can't accept the reason I am not getting any is because of porn. I deserve better than that and he should know that.

[AnyFuckingDude]

SOP, what are you going to do, love ?

It seems you have been driven to make your own choices now, since he has made the wrong one (or certainly the marriage-wrecking one, for you)

Put up and shut up. Or end your marriage.

[CuriosityKilledTheCrap]

My marriage ended because of porn. It was as simple and as complicated as that.

It was always there - even though I was never anxious or a "snooping" type of woman it never got better. I have an old thread on here somewhere. People had great advice. I can link it if you think it would be helpful.

[sickofporn]

I do not want my marriage to end. I am crazy about this man he is the love of my life. But that is why it hurts so much.

I do want to protect my DCs as much as I can though. My DH was not born this way he was exposed to porn at a very young age I remember him telling me he stole his grandad's dirty magazines when he was 13.

I was never exposed to anything like this as a child.

[sickofporn]

Yes please link. I am really scared of the marriage ending talk though :(

[AnyFuckingDude]

SOP...what your husband describes as his introduction to porn is actually pretty standard, I am sorry to say

[AnyFuckingDude]

I saw my father's porn mags at a younger age than that.

[CuriosityKilledTheCrap]

Oh yes - I saw mucky mags back then too. I think most people did didn't they?

Hold on and will post link. Don't want to be the voice of doom, so take from it what you will. x

here

Funnily enough - looking back, the thread ends and I'm still taking about going to relate. We never did.

[sickofporn]

Thanks for the link. I'm going to read it now.

[CuriosityKilledTheCrap]

You're welcome. Happy to help more if I can.

I don't regret leaving for a second.

[Charbon]

I think the crux of this is that he is going to continue to use porn and lie to you about it - and your sexual needs are always going to be a secondary consideration to his.

It is extremely unlikely that even if you were having sex morning, noon and night he would stop using porn. You said you've had the higher sex drive and on one occasion he tried to persuade you that you were imagining this and in fact had stopped wanting sex.

So ultimately you have to decide if you want a decent sex life with a man who doesn't use porn and with whom you can raise your children without fear of their exposure to it - or you put up with the alternative. I can't see any other option here with a man who keeps lying to you and now appears to be telling you to get over yourself, because all men do it.

They don't - and you simply don't have to accept this as a life for you and your children.

[ATourchOfInsanity]

I never really got over being lied to about porn by an ex. I also went a bit mental comparing myself to the women - was early 20's and a bit low of le old self esteem. I never felt right with him though after finding his history. He would sometimes stay home when I did the food shop and I would spend the entire time racing around the shops thinking "I know what he is doing, lazy selfish git!" and try to catch him at it when I got home...never worked and just felt resentful.

I hope you can resolve this in some way, but, without trying to portend doom and gloom, I fear this may be a bit of a turning point about how you see this man.

Would also reiterate you can't block all porn. He will find a way, phone, work or internet cafe etc. If he is addicted, perhaps he could get counselling? It should not be the norm this takes over REAL sex, and he needs to get that message loud and clear.

[ATourchOfInsanity]

It is NOT the norm that PORN takes over from having real sex.
Sorry, about to go to bed and seem to be missing words

[notmydog]

I am more or less in exactly the same situation you are in OP. I've cried many tears over the past 20 years. I've had many soul distroying situations in my marriage. I have become a hard person, I have lost my faith completely. It's distroyed the person I was before. I love my DH and I have chosen to stay with him. He is my best and only friend. But I don't know for how much longer I would be able to put up with the humiliation. My DH also prefers porn to sex with me. I have had very low self esteem because of this. I have a daughter and since having her I've contemplated leaving my marriage to protect her. My DH is a wonderful person and a very good father. I couldn't take that away from my DD or from him. But sometimes I feel that he's already made the choice between his marriage and his addiction. Because he hides things from me and lies to me and only ever comes out with the truth when he gets caught, I find it difficult to trust him. It hurts so much because I genuinely love him. But maybe I've just been a fool for the past 20 years.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" I would never want to hurt him by wanking over other men"

Ironically, men are rarely upset by the idea of women masturbating... whether over a man, a photo of a man, or a 'Fifty Shades' type novel.

[ATourchOfInsanity]

Also for a lot of woman, images of men shagging simply don't have the same appeal as an actual relationship and sex with someone you love.

[badinage]

Ironically, men are rarely upset by the idea of women masturbating..

Women are rarely upset by men masturbating though.

It's not about masturbation is it? It's about masturbating to real life women in porn, at the expense of a sex life.

I think men would be very upset about that, if the boot was on the other foot....

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

And for a lot of women, images of men in the nip are just a timely reminder to order the Christmas turkey.....

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Definitely.... men would be very upset if the missus was so busy with the Rampant Rabbit and 'www.hotnakedblokes.com' that they didn't get a look in. But they're generally OK if masturbation is the warm-up act to the main event ...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I say 'generally'.... I have no basis for that statement other than my own relatively limited experience...

[ATourchOfInsanity]

Would love to read a thread by a man who can't get a look in 'cos his wife was always at The Dreamboys club with work colleagues, reading 50 shades at home with her rabbit while he does food shopping and hiding her online stash of Big Cocks whenever he walked into the room and pretending she was doing 'research' for work.

Not seen one yet.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

We have better things to do with our time. :) Maybe that's it? Some men have too much down-time.... devils and idle hands and all that....